Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out

Rapid inflation didn’t help, either. For those lucky enough to survive layoffs, they doubled down on work either dedicating more of their time or attempted to insulate their risk by becoming overemployed. Those who have time for friend outings may not feel as if they can afford the cost and those who have money for friend outings may not feel as if they can afford the time.

The rapid rise and acceptance of a remote workforce has led to fewer face-to-face interactions among coworkers. Social circles, that would be expanded by crossing different groups of your friends and acquaintances together, are dwindling due to both natural attrition and because people just see each other less often, weakening social bonds over time.

Then when we all get together despite all odds of us actually meeting up, gatherings kind of just devolve to a bunch of loosely connected people looking at our phones. It’s tragically ironic that the device we use for instant communication ended up putting distance between all of us.

I think we need to make more of an effort to spend time that is of sufficient quality with other people, even if that means our social norms need to change, e.g. phone usage when with others, actively reaching out, etc.

Saying this to encourage people here to try it out, even if that means you hosting. Board games are great way for hackers to get off devices, but still solve puzzles, and hang out with others in the process.

Set the example by staying off your phone. It seems to send the message in our group, and people tend to stay off.

If you’ve not played in a while, there are plenty of lighter (simpler rules, quicker play) that are still fun and require a lot of thinking and strategy.

I’ve been playing regularly since right before the pandemic, and we picked back up after things got mostly back to “normal”.

It also helps to be intentional. Try to be consistent, and find people that are open to regular games to keep it going.

I hear the excuse that people don’t have time, but it’s typically just an excuse — unless you have small(er) kids where they do require a bit more time and energy. But if you have no or older kids, make time to play.

I’ve really enjoyed it, and the connections are nice.

Yes, you can never leave your house and do everything via Zoom! After all, why commute to a pointless office when you could be at home meeting people online? If you start thinking this way, suddenly most interactions that can be done from home start to seem like a waste of time.

The question I always ask WFH advocates is this: when was the last time you had a meaningful in-person interaction with someone outside of your household? Most of the time, they can't even remember.

As an example, consider how we treat it as totally normal that the big companies are focused on VR, gaming, and other individual activities that require you to shut off the world and focus on their devices. This is just…to be expected. And the idea of an Apple device that brings you together with other people in real life is somehow entirely inconceivable. I mean that literally - I’m not sure what it would even begin to look like, because the concept goes against our model of consumer tech so much.

It started because my friend, on FB, just put it out there that if anyone (on his FB friends' list) wanted to meet up to work at a coffeeshop, at a table with a friend they knew, he was up for it. Someone has to speak up first. If you would be willing to do that, use that "social" network to let your whole friend group know you would be willing to do it. It's not a complete cure for excessive isolation, but it is worth doing. But somebody has to speak up first, to put that invitation out there for somebody else to respond to.

In my parents generation, stay at home moms would primarily socialize during the day. Working dads would, in turn, socialize after work with co-workers or male friends who, generally, also worked in New York City.

In my generation, the stay at home moms socialize a lot more in the evenings and it's expected that the working dad be around to do the evening kid time. Babysitters are an option but it seems frowned upon if they are used too often.

This could also be a factor of having small children as friends who have older children seem to go out much more often given that the kids (usually 13+) can take care of themselves.

However, one thing I've noticed about myself is that I don't seem to get as much out of social events. I'm in my 50s, so I've had lots of experience pre-cellphone and pre-internet, and I like seeing people and think we can be more isolationist, the issue is that when I do get together with people, it just isn't that much fun for the most part. I like it, but I don't have a strong desire to keep doing it.

I do tabletop RPGs once a week, and that's fun because there is a focus I like. But getting together for other social events is just kinda mid. And others feel the same way. For better or worse, there are many other intense, engaging, fun, interesting things I can be doing that tailor to my personal tastes. So getting together with some people to just chat or play some random game like we used to is a nice thing now and then, it is too dull to attract me to do it very often.

I can see it in my 15 year old son, too. He sometimes craves hanging out with his buddies laughing and having fun, but he also really likes doing the activities he really enjoys, even solo. Ideally, he'd have a fun group that likes to banter just like him, doing the exact activity that he enjoys, but that is really difficult to find.

I guess, to me, it looks more like we all have very niche activities we really enjoy and fit our personalities really well, but the overlap of all these activities results in a small population. So you have the choice of really enjoying yourself and being alone, or being mildly engaged but doing so with a group of people.

I think the ones most happy are those whose interests align with what a lot of people like to do, which is why sports is so strong these days.

I’m also a part of a 6-people friend group who live in the same neighbourhood, who tends to hang out twice a week at least. It removes the “distance” friction, where you have to drive, uber or whatsoever.

With my other friends though, inflation, lack of cheap things to do, time and etc. is always an issue. I’ve realized once they live a certain distance away, you have to schedule hangs days in advance. That’s cool, I get everyone is busy, but spontaneity of some meet ups makes them so much better.

Why is there not as much promotion of ways of finding happiness in solitude? It would seem at least as much a solution as any this issue of distressed caused by loneliness.

EDIT: I've heard that in southern Europe (roughly, Spain, France, Greece), "hanging out" is as strong as ever. What are they doing right? Is it the population density? The social acceptance of multi-generational combined living? Weak GDP? Poor cellphone service? Something else?

Another thing not mentioned is hanging out online. There are a lot of different ways to do that, and although none of them are the same as hanging out in person, they can be similar to one degree or another.

Especially over the next few years as VR and AR devices become more capable and comfortable, I think the idea of hanging out will start to include virtual options.

Also looking further out, imagine cities that are designed with good density and also integrate efficient and inexpensive public transportation using small private autonomous vehicles. You could take the hassle and most of the cost of driving out of meet ups.

Maybe it's a cultural thing in certain areas.

It's just aspirational bullshit. Huge decks, elaborate brick oven patios,home pools, dining rooms, etc.

I wonder if the aspirational value goes up with less actual usage in reality.

The changes that occured between the 1970s and before and the 1980s and after add up to be major watershed in American and more broadly western culture. You can blame neoliberalism but I think the real change is deeper than that. It's the shift from modernity to post-modernity. And post-modernity is an apt term because the name itself is backward looking and doesn't stand *for* anything, only *against* something.

The optimism of modernity, the belief in the perfectability of society, the abolition of want, of unlimited horizons - all these whiggish things - butt up against some very hard limits. These limits had been in the zeitgeist since the second world war, but reached the mass market in the 1980s.

The US is the quintessential modern country, in the sense of the word I am describing, a child of the Enlightenment. It only follows that the end of modernity would be hard on the American psyche, harder than in older countries with pre-modern cultural DNA.