Lonely, but not always alone | Hacker News Reader

Lonely, but not always alone

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30 pointswjb313 comments

A perverse aspect of human nature is that it's easier to feel really lonely when you're surrounded by people than when you're actually alone.

Loneliness comes from a lack of meaningful interaction with people. When you're surrounded by people you don't have meaningful interactions with, it makes that loneliness more present and obvious.

Interesting take. I’ve often felt lonely after going ballroom dancing with only strangers. Which I’ve always found perplexing since I never feel lonely otherwise, although I tend to spend my time alone (and enjoy it).

This could be an explanation.

Try having a conversation with one of them after the dance by learning admiringly about their life.

I do, but it stays relatively superficial. What I find triggers the feeling is the sudden switch from interacting with many people to having no-one around.

I feel lonely in my new job, when I'm in the office. I don't work directly with anybody there. There's hustle and bustle, and I feel like the new kid.

I don't feel that when I'm elsewhere.

New jobs or new environments in general can be hard. I'm starting a new job soon and not looking forward to that aspect of things. I guess making an effort to talk with people about their projects even if you are not directly working in them might help. I'm going to be in a similar situation - new office, working on something different from everyone else there - so any advice anyone has would be welcome.

I've felt that way with nearly every new job I've started. Worse, it's combined with the desire to impress people.

Personally, I've found that the fastest way to get past that is to get a task where you need to work closely with someone. The work itself becomes an ice-breaker of sorts.

Depending on your situation, maybe you could ask your manager for such a task. But even if that's not in the cards, sooner or later you'll be actively working with someone on something.

> [the results showed] particularly high levels of loneliness in those that spend over 75% of their time with others.

What % of those classified as having 'particularly high levels of loneliness' do in fact spend over 75% of their time with others, though?

While it may certainly be true that some peoples loneliness persists despite high levels of arbitrary human contact (arbitrary in the sense that this study does not measure the nature or quality of the contact), regardless, it still stands to reason - and would be reflected in the study results, I suspect - that there are also a significant quantity of lonely people who do yearn for higher levels of contact, and consider themselves unable to obtain it.

That such yearned-for contact is desired to be positive, meaningful contact, as opposed to rote or shallow interactions, also stands to fairly incontrovertible reason.

I felt lonely when I used to work in an office. For some reason I feel far less lonely working remotely.

I am married yet both lonely and often alone. Modern life sucks.

I think what it is is whether the person feels accepted in their “group”.

It becomes more painfully obvious that they aren’t accepted when surrounded by a group of people versus being alone.

Research from the US takes a look at the links between time spent alone and loneliness, finding high levels of loneliness in those that spend over 75% of their time with others.

Please don't post summary comments like this. There has been an uptick of them lately, and it's not a good trend for HN.

The idea of HN threads is good, curious conversation, and that requires avoiding formulaic responses, even if they're well-intentioned.

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