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Comment by jawngee | Hacker News Reader

I tried but they wouldn't accept it.

I've dealt with this many times as a South Asian person and it is very possible they still do actually want money. Most people will not ask in a straightforward manner for money and when you offer to pay them, they act all offended. This is a stupid game that I have no idea how it started where they will pretend to not want the money but will still very obviously want it. This has stumped me, being mildly autistic, for the decades of my existence and also stumps foreigners a lot. I cannot proffer a solution. Sometimes asking works, most of the time it doesn't and the other party feels unhappy about it and then when you decide enough is enough and want to pay, another guessing game begins where you need to gauge what amount satisfies them. It's incredibly goddamn annoying and I wish they just told you they want a bribe or money instead of engaging with these weird, obtuse, coy behaviours and then I have to obsess over whether I made a faux pas by paying/not paying them

It's their culture of saving face. The solution is extremely simple.

You tell the person "I was told I had to pay this <X fee> to release my package but I don't know who or where I pay" while waving the cash around cluelessly. The person will 100% then offer to take it and "handle it from there" under the stupid guise of plausibility.

I will try this next time. Thanks for the tip

Asian culture never ceases to confuse me. Nothing is ever straightforward.

I tried giving a gift to some, as thanks for letting me sleep on their couch. They told me no no no. I asked my friends about it, they told me it's about face.

Omg, I get that honor is a big thing, but it makes normal interactions way more complicated.

Every culture has things like this.

"You'll have to pop in next time you're in the area!" does NOT mean "turn up at my house unannounced". Even if it sounds like it.

Or "How are you going?" is not a prompt to actually tell them how you're going.

Yes when I first moved to the US, people would greet me with "How ya doing?" and I thought they really did want to know. It took a while to understand that it was just a way of saying hello.

I'm told that, in China, a way to greet someone is to say: "Have you eaten yet?" 你吃了吗

You are not supposed to provide a detailed answer such as: "Yes I ate a breakfast sandwich this morning at 8 am".

Instead you simply say "I ate" (吃了) or "Nope" (没呢)

Working in Singapore, I encounter this often (but in English). It took me a few months before I realised that I did not need to provide a detailed answer.

Well, maybe start by not thinking that there's a singular "Asian culture".

There are concepts though shared by the area. Piety. Face culture. Ancestry worship. Conservative values.

Some areas may have it to a lesser extent (China were the cultural revolution steam rolled everything and only left superstition) but the concepts shared remain the same,the expression of the pattern varies widely.

This. I bribed my way out of many traffic tickets in Southeast Asia by suggesting that because I’m so busy, I’ll pay the cop directly and then he can pay the ticket on my behalf. Worked every time except once, where the guy was a real stickler

TL, Dr:Slide it into the paperwork so no face is lost

Sounds like they thought they caught a reseller endangering somebodies sales friendship.

Often they’re afraid they’re being recorded. So the conversation should be more like asking for unrelated advice and then making some type of friendship, maybe asking for their contact if you needed any more clarification, etc. Also, they might have a trust network, like you get to them through their friends. So you should ask your friends if they know someone working in this department etc, and get an intro. That way they feel safer. You don’t have to pay them monthly, but yeah, do occasionally compensate them for no reason.

Regarding money, you should start with cash. Have an amount you think is fair on your pocket. Tell them this is what you have and thank for their help. If they don’t look happy or they reject/ask for more, tell them it though, but that you need check if you have more in your car. If the difference is a lot, say you need to ask friend for help. Go back to your car, pretend to talk to someone and come back with more. If they really want a lot more, ask for they’re bank account and tell them you’ll need to transfer (throughout make sure to show them that they asking for a lot and this is very hard for you, you have kids, need to eat, get a cab, pay a loan, etc). Also if you tell them you’ll transfer from a different bank than theirs, they might settle on the cash because interbank transfers are not same day.

All this varies by country and what methods of payment are available.

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