Ask HN: Where do you go for parenting advice? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Where do you go for parenting advice?

2 pointsgillyb7 comments

I can search Google for parenting advice, but it seems (just like many other subjects) that the web is riddled with paid articles and junk content sites with clickbait articles. Parenting is also one of those subjects where it seems (to me at least) that there's so much psuedo-science out there, but I'm looking for more science based, researched information.

Since I feel somewhat part of the 'hacker news community' I'm really interested to know where people here specifically go for parenting advice - whether it's specific books or articles you read, podcasts, people you follow on twitter/substack/other, or any other source of information you're familiar with.

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I was watching a documentary about Steinway pianos awhile back, and there are several parts where the piano comes off the line and then has to be extensively hand-fitted for some part or other; that is to say that each one takes a lot of individual attention in spite of using some mass production technique (they're about as high-end a piano as there is).

Children are semi-random genetic combinations of their parents and aren't amenable to mass production; I've long suspected that generic advice is close to worthless and once you mix in the replication crisis, all the science seems close to worthless. I think you just have to take the time and figure out what works for each kid.

I feel that's a little like saying 'Everyone is unique, so psychologists are useless'.. Although everyone IS truly unique, there are still common patterns that emerge, and many commonalities in our upbringings.

We don't act completely randomly, not as children and definitely not as adults. We exist within a common environment with a common set of laws or norms that most people live by (excluding extreme cases, for various reasons).

I did parenting courses, multiple times over the years. The best parenting course I ever did was one that was taught by a team of psychologists who specialised in child psychology, and also maternal mental health. I had to do the course as part of my treatment and recovery for postnatal OCD. The course itself was based on attachment theory. The stuff I learned from it, I’ve carried with me through the years. Then… when my kid was struggling in school, I got an educational psychologist who did some assessments and created a individualised report and learning plan for his specific needs, I give the report and plan to teachers.

I rate attachment theory pretty highly and would say, if you can’t access parenting courses based on this stuff, you still might find some good books in the library for parenting strategies based on attachment theory, and also Google scholar if you’re feeling super academic and wanting to get nerdy about it.

In contrast, the worst parenting course I ever did was one that was hosted by community do-gooders which based their techniques on ideologies around what they believed were the socially accepted family values that all people should adopt. It was not culturally appropriate for a lot of reasons and just awful, so when it comes to parenting courses do your research before jumping in… And when parenting gets hard, which if often does, or you feel like you’re out of your depth, getting advice from experts is fine, it doesn’t mean you need some fancy label or clinical diagnosis, sometimes an outsider perspective on family dynamics in general can be pretty helpful.

Thanks, I really appreciate the answer!

I've read a few books on parenting, various online articles and was also at some short seminars. My experience is very similar to yours in that when the people writing/teaching were just basing their knowledge on opinions or trends I feel like it was usually bad advice. When I read a book or article coming from people that worked in the field as developmental psychologists or experienced and well-educated social workers I felt the advice given was much, much better. That was the point of my question - trying to find resources that come from reputable people. I feel like it's very hard to find 'the good stuff'..

Regarding your point on seeking experts advice - I totally agree. I'm no stranger to the idea, and have been to psychologists quite a few times throughout the years. I'm definitely not against it, and when I'll run into difficult situations i'll definitely take that as an option as well. I was hoping to find sources of good advice for the day-to-day stuff that all parents deal with.

What kind of advice are you looking for? What age(s)? On what topic(s) would peer-reviewed papers with a decent p-value really matter as a parent?

As a father of three, the only "advice" I would share with new parents is to consider cotton diapers.

https://priceonomics.com/the-evolution-of-potty-training

Maybe I should've added some more details, but I'm also interested in general. For me, I have 2 kids, one is 7 years old and the other 1 year old.

I know reading peer-reviewed papers would be very difficult, and I don't plan on reading a ton of research papers, but there is so much information out there from people that aren't educated or in a position to give out information.. I would like to know where I can read opinions from well known psychologists perhaps or other professionals that read and rely on peer-reviewed papers.

What I have in mind is something like how Andrew Huberman (the podcast HubermanLab) talks about various subjects and gives advice on certain health topics, while referencing research papers and studies on the subject, but on subjects related to parenting.

Some of the subjects that interest me are: suggested nutrition for young kids, how to develop healthy sleep habbits, toys and games that have healthy developmental impact on kids, effective punishments/rewards systems, good sources and ways to teach kids math/science/physics, effective ways to deal with ADHD, and more..

btw - I like the article you shared here, and would love to find more sources of information like that.

Specifically regarding potty training and diapers though - I've heard that before (don't remember where), but since diaper money isn't a big issue for me, I would rather go with more 'modern' diapers and have the convenience that comes with that over cotton diapers (or no diapers at all) and have my kids potty trained earlier. But it's still very interesting and important to know the story behind it.

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