You mean what the Mac still is.
Apple relies on unmarked, multi-fingered "gestures"
Actually, they are marked quite clearly, and only some of them are multi-fingered, and they are remarkably easy to use.
and two-handed hotkeys
Actually, Mac OS hotkeys are quite consistent and intuitive, and have survived the test of time. command-c, command-v, command-x, command-z, command-s, command-p all do what they did in 1984. It's simply not true that Mac hotkeys are less intuitive than the alternatives; indeed, Windows copied the most-common Mac hotkeys verbatim.
Yeah, it's a clinic of hypocrisy
This is where you really start to run off the rails.
Then it comes out with one inept, piece-of-shit mouse after another
You can argue with their ergonomics, but they certainly weren't pieces of shit. I found at least some of those mice quite usable.
culminating in a "multi-touch" mouse
The real culmination of Apple's input-device path is the Magic Trackpad, which is the best trackpad I've ever used, and it's not even a close comparison. I prefer it to any mouse, and I've used 28 years' worth of mice.
Gestures are an extra. An added bonus. Think the multitasking gestures for iOS 5 on iPad
There are several short videos about the gestures in System Preferences -> Trackpad.