I feel like there are areas of my life I have extreme agency over and others I have no agency over. I hate it because the areas I feel I lack agency in run counter to my sense of self. Things I struggle to do don't feel like things I should struggle to do. I wonder if this is something I learned when I was young?
Some examples:
* I live on my own in SF. I moved to California after college and confidently left my small hometown without much support.
* I've led teams of engineers in fast-paced startup environments and gotten us to exceptional results. I wouldn't bat an eye at interviewing technical executives.
* I've quit my job, repeatedly, without backups in place, to pursue technical side projects that sound meaningful to me until I run ~out of money.
* I've led groups of 50+ people through week-long music festivals, coordinating all the people, money, accommodations, etc.
* I can confidently speak to large groups of people without feeling self-conscious.
* I've travelled alone, internationally, for work and everything went great and without cause for concern.
And yet...:
* I learned to drive at 32. I'm still "scared" of the concept, don't own a vehicle, and haven't integrated driving into my lifestyle.
* I can make a down-payment on a house, but continue to rent because it sounds big and scary to do such a thing.
* I "fall into" relationships and jobs rather than actively evaluating my wants, pursuing them, contrasting varying options, etc.
* I would never dream of travelling alone, internationally, by myself just to do a thing. It sounds scary doing it for myself, but doing it for work sounds trivial.
* I'm very prone to overthinking situations and trying to solve them in my head before taking a small, tangible step forward with physical actions. This feels similar to lacking agency -- like I would trust myself to gain agency but only once I'm confident I've seen where taking action will take me.
Sometimes I feel like I don't understand myself because I feel like all of these issues should be in the same class. I've done things others feel are challenging, but struggle to apply that same mindset to tasks I know others find trivial. Does this mean I am lacking in agency? Does this mean I just have weird standards for myself? Or is it something else entirely?