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Comment by spenczar5 | Hacker News Reader

I don’t totally know what to make of this article. The author seems to have a very difficult relationship with his mother. Generalizing that to all multigenerational homes is an overreach, isn’t it?

Like, I know plenty of parents who have difficult children. Their families alternately give them purpose and stress. Is that an indictment of living with your teenage kids (versus, say, boarding schools)? Or is it merely a feature of humans?

I also know people who don’t live in the same house as their aging parents, but are nonetheless constantly stressed, frustrated, and annoyed by them.

Living together might amplify issues, but I don’t think it is the author’s real problem.

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That's what makes it a good article.

Multi generational living isn't all good, and it isn't all bad. We are culturally trained, in the West, to value our privacy and independence and autonomy, which creates challenges for sharing living space with both your parents and your own children in middle age.

But some of the anecdotes show some of the real benefits, too. Like grandparents picking up children from school and cooking for the family. Like the built in socialization and connections that can get lost when living far apart.

I think this article just shows the good and the bad. In the end, I suspect multigenerational living is something like exercise or flossing or eating healthy. Something that can be annoying in the short term. But has benefits that pay off down the line.

This. My father has been living with me, my partner, and my son since last year, following my mother's death. It's a similar situation to the one described here, where he helped with the downpayment and we pay the mortgage, taxes, and bills.

And, sure, there was some friction and growing pains as we all (re-)learned to live with each other. But it's been fine and good, and it lets me support him in a way I couldn't otherwise. It's definitely a different dynamic to if we lived in separate places, but it's not a bad dynamic at all.

Very similar situation here (except both my husband's father and mother live with us). Yes, there's occasional friction, but we make it work. My father-in-law makes dinner, gets the kid on and off the bus, runs the errands, etc. At this point, doing the nuclear family thing seems quite intimidating.

A big part of it is remembering at all times all the balances.

It's quite easy to forget something like "paid the down payment" or "helps with dinner" when you're dealing with the frustrating side of things, but those can be major.

And the kids get a closer experience with grandparents, which has a value all its own.

Not really. Problematic relationships between parents and their children are very common. It's a valid point against multigenerational homes.

And I'd argue that multigenerational homes makes problematic relationships much more likely. Annoyances that are easily tolerable when you meet up occasionally are massively amplified when you encounter them all the time.

I have a lot of friends that I love, but very few I would tolerate living for months with... And you can choose your friends, you can't choose your parents/kids.

You can't really choose friends though. You can turn down people to not be friends but not unilateraly "choose" them to become friends.

I'm the fulltime caregiver for an 80+ year old parent with NPD and dementia after a stroke. She had to move in with me after essentially becoming destitute.

It's been extremely trying and I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone. There is no upside, other than knowing that I live by my values. Many, many days it feels like that's not good enough for what I have to endure.

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