"That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

They do need to be encouraged to grow out of it, though, so your point is very valid.

It's not only disingenuous, but outright wrong to assume the author was saying "be weird for the sake of being weird." He's saying he is weird, and that's OK, just he won't see a lot of good in it in high school.

You're acting like he's advocating becoming a hipster, a straw man you invented.

  In school people clan and desperately look for some
  identity to copy.

People who do things differently or have a value system that is significantly different to those around them will often find themselves as outcasts as a natural biproduct of how they spend their time and the people with whom they feel comfortable. But this doesn't have to be the case. If you find that you are on your own a lot, that should be a natural occurrence and not something to strive for. I think advising an impressionable youth to look down on others who do conform is a mistake because it could start him down the course of assuming the reason he has no friends is because nobody understands him and that will continue to reinforce itself until he is a all-out recluse.

When I look back at those times in my life that I was a recluse I recognize that people were genuinely dicks sometimes, but most of the time I was just not that easy to make friends with. Socializing is a matter of give and take.

I love the old Dr. Pepper ads - Join the non-conformists!

I realize I'm straying further afield of the original article in saying this, but we should keep in mind that being "weird" (or even being "different") isn't always a choice, or at least not a conscious one. I'm not sure if I'd go so far as to suggest that most "different" people have no agency in the matter. But a lot of them don't. Being different is a relative status typically assigned to you by the dominant social paradigm and context in which you exist. There certainly can be a choice, i.e., in whether to embrace this difference, or to attempt to amend it. And degree of self-awareness plays a huge role in the outcome. But often, even deliberate attempts to rein in the differences can fail.

Long before many (most?) of us even realized we had a conscious say in being weird, our peers made that call for us. What we're actually choosing is how to contextualize and reckon with that weirdness.

This is, as you've suggested, far different from a person's deliberately cultivating a surface-level eccentricity in an attempt to stand out (which is really just a case of fitting in by having an interesting quirk).

Finally, I'd suggest that those of us who consider ourselves "weird" or "different" -- regardless of whether that label has been intrinsically or extrinsically imposed -- should take a very nuanced and almost surgical view of it. By self-analyzing the weirdness, you can break it down into its components and decide which elements are useful, which are harmful, which are productive, which are counterproductive. "Weird" or "different" can be reduced to more elementary traits, rather than seen as broad, blanket terms. The broad terms may be value-neutral, but the smaller components often have values (good or bad).

"It's not me that's weird, it's them" is the wrong path to self-esteem. Really, it's a form of retaliation, and it's dangerous. If you categorize people who aren't like you as "weird" and write them off, then you are acting the same as those who are bullying you. The solution to bullying cannot be bullying the bullies.

I understand that when the author says, "There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with them," his emphasis is on the first part. But the second part isn't necessary at all. And in fact, it's a dangerous attitude to have.

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

(Unless you've homeschooled, I don't think you have any idea how much social interaction homeschool kids can get; we don't just sit at home all day.)

Edit: I see comments below on homeschooling and from homeschoolers. Our kids get a ton of social interaction outside the home: homeschool co-ops/events/park days with other homeschoolers, language lessons, sports (karate, soccer, equestrian), music lessons, girlscouts/boyscouts, university outreach programs, town provided activities (acting, choir, pottery, etc), temple, playing with all the neighborhood kids, and that's just off the top of my head.

My kids are 9 and 11 right now and are way more comfortable socially, and better at it, than I (public school) ever was.

Ultimately I think a lot of it has to do with the kids and the parents. We chose to homeschool our kids because we think we can do a better job with their education, but it certainly hasn't hindered them socially.

Now, some things people do, say and are actually are a bit odd and perhaps not good. We need to change. Labelling one's self as weird isn't a pass to do whatever the hell you want. I've learnt that. If we excuse ourselves we then have to allow others to excuse themselves resulting in wonderfully horrible circles of selfishness, everywhere. Everyone needs to improve—to see what's bad and change for, again, there are things that simply are bad. The good things, improve them too.

The selfish relativity of the modern island is a sham that's going to collapse on the heads of those followers soon enough. We people seek to understand others, that is when things change. Unfortunately, like how Asimov wrote in his Foundation novels that there only really ever was one person who understood this (Hari Seldon), it doesn't happen often.

I was talking with a friend, a girl, in the car after we did some shopping and I made an effort to open the door for her. She said that someone had once said to her to never bother with someone who didn't do that and that person was quite vehement in his advice. I suggested perhaps not to disregard that person forever but perhaps to view it as a wonderful opportunity to teach and help someone.

This right here is the problem with "embrace your weirdness!" posts. You're not being weird or unique, you're just ignoring social cues and deliberately making people uncomfortable.

If your weirdness is that you're super into physics or anime or whatever then that's great, but if your weirdness is that you think you're above learning how to properly socialize with other people then it's not on other people to accept you for it.

Whether they get bullied or not, high school is an extremely important time for kids to gain social skills and learn how to deal with people. Dealing with people is one of the most important skills you can have, period. And that often means dealing with people that are being dicks, and people who you like and are good friends. And if people are being dicks, which they inevitably will be, it's a good time for you to think about it, build your self confidence, and figure out who you are.

I understand that sheltering them from the real world is not your motivation for this opinion, but it is the reality of what will happen. Your kids will miss out on a huge period of personal growth and a large expansion of their experience dealing with other people which they will never be able to get back later.

Regardless of whether your child attends a traditional school or is homeschooled, try to raise your child in a way that promotes confidence and a high self-esteem. Confidence is one of the best preventative measures at countering bullying, and it's very helpful in life. And make sure your child has avenues to make good friends. As this article shows, if that's not happening at school, encourage them to go somewhere where they'll find people with similar interests, be it a gym or club or whatever.

When I got a job I didn't understand that jobs are for collaboration, not just achieving things myself. Most team jobs work best if members are able and willing to sublimate their egos for the good of the group: I was busy being smart and weird. I assumed that because I was right everyone else would, of course, agree with me, and so none of my ideas ever got adopted because I didn't know how to enlist people as allies. I was still super lonely and still hadn't learn how to have casual friends (close friends I always had, one or two, mostly other homeschooled kids, but they were people who could put up with me just the way I was, which was kind of an arrogant asshole.)

I eventually sat down and compared myself to people who were less lonely than me and figured out what I could do differently. I realized that I'd rather not be an asshole than be right. I developed an understanding of when and how to ask questions, how to work and, yes, fit in with a group while still keeping myself whole. I learned how to be passionate without being overwhelming.

My kids are going to school. I will fight tooth and nail for a safe environment for them with adults who are on their side and not on the side of the bullies, but I want them to grow up knowing that if you tell your friend to fuck off they will stop being your friend because you are an asshole, not because you are weird. If you are not enjoyable to interact with people won't be your friend because friendship isn't an entitlement: it's a collaborative project. It may be that if you find a huge city you can find someone who doesn't mind being told to fuck off, or maybe even who thinks it is cool, but that doesn't mean that prioritizing your weirdness over the comfort of people around you will lead to a fulfilling social life (especially because those people are likely to tell you to fuck off too). Developing friends will probably have as much to do with how we change and grow as it does with leaving suburbia.

Besides, we have the Internet now. There is no reason kids can't both learn to be part of suburbia and experience the wide world outside of it at the same time.

Our kids go to public school, are healthily wonky in different (and wonderful) ways, and have friends who are healthily wonky in other different (and wonderful) ways. We live in a community that, among other things, had spirited discussions about bullying years ago. We live there despite a long daily commute for me because we believe that having a good environment is almost as important as being good parents.

They look to you to tell them what's good and bad. Choose carefully the lessons you give, explicit or other.

I only remember my real friends.

Learning how to pick you're real friends based on loyalty, character, values and doing the right thing is critical.

I won't tell you not to home school your kids. I will ask you to make sure they have the years of social interaction skills to find those other unique lone souls who do their thing regardless.

I'll ask you to ensure they learn how to deal with all kinda of people in the real world, unless you plan door them to forever telecommute.

To me, school is a terrible, horrible place that I would never wish upon any child, and if I had kids I would never send them to such a place.

Yes, being bullied sucks but keep in mind that your kids will have to meet other kids as well, and if they are homeschooled they are going to appear weird just because they don't go to school and thus don't behave the same in crowds as everyone else does (trust me, this gets noticed instantly). That alone is basis enough for being bullied and that will only make them retract even more to the comfort of your home - and that could arguably be even worse than being bullied (in the long run).

Any kid that gets bullied is of course a serious problem and should be dealt with as best as possible (although it is a very hard problem to solve).

Even in technical jobs and working for programming firms, my bosses and coworkers have included a lot more of the folks I never got along with than the folks I identified with, there are just more of them out there in the world, and I am glad I have a clue why they don't like some things and what I can do to minimize or handle the conflicts.

It's probably not for everyone - it takes a fair bit of personal motivation to still learn when it clearly isn't strictly required of you - but it isn't automatically bad.

At the age when it would have mattered, I would not have had the wisdom to make the right choice. If my parents had offered me the chance to not deal with my problems, I would have jumped at it, and been worse for that choice.

I think it's incredibly short sighted to think that bullying just stops once school ends. People just learn to deal with it through years of practice. Learning to deal with crap like this is an incredibly valuable life skill and if you don't learn it at school you're going to have to learn it later in life. Sure, kids can be a lot more cruel than adults, but delaying the inevitable solves nothing.

I went to a state school in the north of England which could be described as 'rough' at best. Like many geeks I never really fitted in and was the subject of some fairly severe bullying at times. Like most people that were bullied (and anecdotal evidence would suggest that most people were bullied at one time or another) I got through it and never looked back. As soon as I gave up trying to fit in (and even started going out of my way not to fit in) people respected me a little more for it and life got easier.

Not that I want to tell people how they they should raise their kids here. I don't even have any kids of my own. But having been a child for a number of years I feel somewhat qualified to speak on the matter.

I was homeschooled from the 7th grade, and from what I can tell I'm better off. I was able to focus on my own educational interests--computing and science. I launched a series of small, but cashflow positive websites. I studied Japanese through a free program by GPB for two years (another two via distance learning at University of Alabama) and ultimately found my way into teaching English in Obihiro / Tokatchi for half a year before I started college. I now find myself with a bunch of really great friends and colleagues; I've lived, loved, made mistakes and wonderful experiences. And I'm pretty sure your kids will too.

I'm sorry for brevity, but my phone sucks. If you want to discuss homeschooling topics and strategies at length, feel free to email me.

The second half of high school we basically took the "remedial" classes at the local community college. I got almost straight A's.

I remember spending more time socializing with adults than with kids my own age, but I hardly consider that a bad thing. (Today I still do things like play with Lego, so I don't think I was warped by this.)

After some of the horror stories I've heard about public high schools, I honestly worry that I might have attempted suicide at one of those places.

In general pretty fun to read something that captures something so fundamental. Wish there were more folks like joe peacock to say those words to the awkward 14 - 16 year olds we were. Would have alleviated the pain a little bit.

[1] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20LTTRQcZ8c

I suspect the idea that there is something wrong with loaners is mostly just projection. It's easy enough to vilify other and loners make the best fictional villains, but other cultures also have the ideal of the monk in the woods. In the end games of status are only important for those who seek status.

If, however, you mean forcing him to join a group of "normal" people who will hammer him into the "normal" mold, I take great exception to your advice.

There is no worse blow to your self esteem than selling out on yourself to gain the approval of others. Yes, people in general like to belong, so let them CHOOSE to belong to a group that accepts them being themselves.

Here's what generally happens when you force an individualist into a group not of his choosing:

1. He resents you for deciding whom his friends should be.

2. It destroys his confidence because even YOU don't believe in him.

3. By the law of averages, his new group is likely to be comprised of exactly the kinds of phonies he hates, and they're likely to dislike him for his "weirdness".

Confidence is one of the, if not THE most important thing in the world. People respect confidence, even if they hate you. Bullying is an attempt to destroy your confidence while building the bully's confidence in himself by thinking he's the better man for destroying someone weaker than him (and so long as you don't fight back, he's right, btw). Most people get their confidence by herding with other people and mimicking them. It gives them a false sense of security, but it's confidence all the same. Unfortunately, that confidence comes at the price of never being able to be their true selves, and never being able to chase dreams that differ too much from the accepted norm.

Individuality and confidence are a potent blend. They breed explorers and free thinkers, poets, philosophers, disruptors, and cross-cultural bridges. They drive a person to blaze a trail of his own, bringing him after many trials and tribulations to doors that open but for a select few. However, this only happens IF he has the confidence in himself to try, and that comes both from within, and from his support base (you). Don't take that away from him!

You're right that there was nothing uncool with being good at math, or at computers - in fact people were jealeus about that(especially when you showed off that you "don't need to study"). But I experienced bullying nonethless, because I was shy kid with asthma, that couldn't play football or basketball. And other kids also experienced bullying, because of different reasons.

But it stopped when I got to secondary school in bigger city. Just because all the bullies went to worse schools, because they couldn't pass the exam.

Also - maybe it's rationalizing, but I think my primary school experience was good for me. At least I hope I won't forget what it feels like to be ostracized.

EDIT: I think it's very easy for kids that pass their particular school test for coolness (and for their parents), to overlook that some other kids are bullied in their school.

It just doesn't seem like a big deal that some people are "unpopular". When somebody is comfortable in a class, most bullying techniques won't work on him, and in effect seems harmless to him. Bullying isn't just beating up. Kids are very cruel sometimes, and they use psychical tricks for bullying, too. In my primary school one girl was always laughed off for stinking (I think she did not, really, but it's not the point). Kids made it into a play - they escaped from her, to not be "infected" with stinking. To parents - it's just some kids playing. But for that girl it wasn't easy probably. I'm ashamed to this day that I've participated in this, because I've tried to make them stop bullying me. Well, it was a good lesson at least.

There are other countries where school is just school (more like a job), where there are no sports/clubs/etc., and your social life revolves more around your family and long-term friends. Sports might come from totally separate organizations. In this case, school is much less of a social thing. So maybe that has something to do with it.

For many kids, the college track education is worthless. My neighbor believes she can spot kids who are likely to drop out in second grade (there is a LOT of confirmation bias in that, I'm sure, but probably some truth). By making them all move ahead lock-step, we are, ironically, guaranteeing they are going to fragment and have problems.

It is encouraging to see some signs of change in education (at least here in Utah). There are a lot more trade options (ability to get a CNA in high school or starting apprenticeships in trades, for example). The math program is being re-built in an attempt to change it from "this grade learns algebra, so if you aren't learning algebra in this grade, you are dumb". On the flip side, my kids' high school has partnered with the local state university to provide kids with the ability to have an associates degree by the time they graduate high school.

So while education has been broken for a long time, and is still bad, at least anecdotally, it is getting better. The factory training ground aspect is changing, but, unfortunately, the authoritarian part is still getting worse (see, for instance, the six year old who was arrested for throwing a tantrum).

I went to a high school which was not split by grade. I was called a "geek" or "boffin" (basically the regional equivalent of nerd) because I was often top of the class, or made fun of because I have mild scoliosis. I managed to keep a good group of friends though and I mostly just told the bullies to fuck themselves and got on with my life.

I think there were people who were unable to deal with bullying, and that mostly comes down to a lack of social skills, rather than any extra persecution that they suffered because of their intelligence or appearance.

I would guess it's selection bias.

My brother was sent to the Realschule because of a primary teacher who habitually hit the pupils he hated - he was a sadistic tyrant.

Roughly a decade later, My brother graduated in law and is now on path of becoming a very successful (and rich) international arbitration specialist.

Now obviously, not everyone will be able to turn the tide.

Another reality you seem to ignore is the fact that even intelligent people can be rowdy assholes.

My Gymnasium (high school) class was filled with them. They smoked blunts all day, lighted up books in front of the teachers, even brought some teachers to tears, they bullied kids and so on. They were very excellent students and didn't have to learn for exams.

As an introverted nerd this had the following effect on me: In order to fit in I started to smoke joints myself and missed 50% of the last year. I didn't have problems getting good grades so I didn't prepare for the Matura. In hindsight it was also dumb luck, not just my ingenuity that made me pass the Matura with good grades still. While I was still introverted, it helped ease tensions and I made a couple of good friends in the process.

In conclusion, from personal experience the Swiss education system has deep flaws.

In Europe virtually all activities that are not directly related to being in a classroom happen outside the school, and so kids are more likely to have multiple social circles.

Or in other words: going to school in Europa resembles going to work as an adult much more than in the US.

PS: this is default culture in any school.

Adults grovel at similar idols: money, beauty, fame. They just employ a bit more mis-direction to not make it seem so obvious.

Merchants of Cool http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/cool/view/

I am betting that if they end up on a primitive island they would organize with special respect for those who where the best trackers/hunters.

I was never bullied either because I became an expert at never being noticed. Camouflage is a fine defense mechanism if you're an octopus, but a human can't live that way indefinitely at the cost of his own individualism. Sooner or later you'll want to be noticed by potential friends and by the opposite sex. That "hide in the shadows" mentality which kept you alive through high school will start to work against you and the world will seem much smaller, colder and meaningless.

Any success you have in life gets attributed to dumb luck. The mind kills any thoughts of pride in your work. You see no point in meeting new people because "they won't like me anyway" or "I just won't know what to say," which does nothing but fulfill your self-inflicted prophecy. You feel nothing but the lows in life; if you're like me, you may have used drugs to simulate the highs. Thoughts of martyrdom become common after a couple of years because if your life is going to be meaningless then at least your death shouldn't be. This kind of thought process takes years to form and unfortunately just as long to destroy.

And after you succeed, you're still left with lingering thoughts about how many years you've wasted and how you'll never get them back. That particular demon is a serious little fucker because it's rooted in truth. If you've made it this far, though, then you've already faced worse.

I eventually saw the problem and rooted it out, but many people never will. Hopefully this kind of discourse gets through to a few of them.

It's quite unlikely that all men, everywhere, only talk about things that everyone really thinks are boring. It's also unlikely that everyone everywhere thinks discussing politics and religion is particularly interesting.

'Bigotry is the state of mind of a "bigot," a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices, especially one who exhibits intolerance or animosity toward members of a group.[1]'

It's contrast, not bigotry. Bigotry is when a jock beats up a furry for being a furry.