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Comment by naitgacem | Hacker News Reader

I used to have friends in uni with whom i could share very nerdy/technical conversations. near graduation we no longer get together sadly. this has taken a toll on me. HN is a place that feels like home, even if I'm usually just lurking around and overhearing conversations. Thanks everyone for sharing!

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Same happened to me. We drifted apart, live in different cities. But nearly 20 years later, with life settled and kids grown we're rekindling via messaging. I hope firstly, you get your group back, and second it doesn't take 20 years

The best 6 months of my life was studying abroad at a foreign university where I would stay up late with 30 other class mates in a lab solving comp sci course problems and then playing quake over lan til midnight.

Nothing will ever replace that magic time but HN comes close. Thank you guys happy new year HN!

If you’re ever in need to geek out, hit up someone who posted something interesting and ask them if they’re up for chatting. It’s not the most comfortable thing to do, but I’ve had a some great conversations with random people from HN. You’d be surprised how often it works out.

Btw, open invite. Contact info in profile.

> HN is a place that feels like home

Indeed, the only third place I feel worth participating in (for me of course, ymmv) and enjoy. Appreciate y’all. Thank you dang for all of the hard work.

I had a solid email thread with friends from college going for these types of conversations for about 10 years after graduation, but with kids and moving around that all ended.

I am jealous, as people at my uni seemed to be mostly there for the cheap alcohol and parties and probably to avoid working. I imagined uni would have watercooler chats about interesting stuff. But the incentives aren’t aligned. For that you need niche programming language meetups! Or maybe PhD but I decided against that.

why don't you start something where you live?

> something

can you elaborate?

Tech Meetup groups!

Monthly lunches?

Meet up to play a tabletop game?

Go for a hike?

Have a group receive a tech presentation once a quarter?

Lots of options, most just take your time and emails/contacting possibly interested folks.

I think the biggest issue here is "possibly interested folks". although I'll keep that as a food for thought.

Yes, that's the crux, for sure. Meetup or local slacks/discords are where I'd start looking. You could also email current or former coworkers, if you have that info.

If it's like around here (London, UK) the last thing people want to talk about is the day job!

The Bay Area in the early 2000's and even into the early 2000-teens was NOT like this.

You could go out to lunch and have a technical chat and the people at the table next to you might chime in with a solution!

When you get enough passionate people and pack them into one location things get interesting for them (networking, friendships etc)... Much of the passion is gone (lots of people see tech as a path to a paycheck), and everyone wants to WFH.

There's still good stuff going on at local meet ups. I have experienced it myself.

Honest truth is there were always folks without passion in tech.

Meetups are bloody amazing. I keep meeting middle aged divorced women there with loose sense of morals and a drinking problem, which is perfect :)

That's because it's not a good vision for the future, it's literally either building shit that everyone knows doesn't matter or plugging away at pointless automation on overcomplicated piles of steaming crap. Or the next fad.

People have lost the vision and do not understand the soul of the machine is to improve our state of existence not enslave us further.

Fuck 'em. I'm taking the money and doing what makes me feel good (wine, floozies and travel).

Ah good ol’floozies

I can't talk with my colleagues exactly because I'd like to talk about tech 24/7. HN helps.

Been there. Wears off when you get to your early 40s.

How about starting a reading group, say a Linux kernel and device driver source code reading group? ;)

I'd join - not joking either! I'm willing to bet that most technically-minded people have devices that act strangely, and yet are powerless to fix them due to, say, the difficulty of getting GDB to connect via the non-existent serial port to capture the stack trace of a once-a-week glitch. I'm in that category with a few of my devices right now, so a group where people could explain device drivers to each other would be really interesting to me.

I've run a few book clubs online and in NYC this last year. And a Discord for folks in the area in systems programming. And a systems programming coffee meetup in NYC. Stuff like that is what I might guess Erik means! :)

Parent should if they can! But there's also a big difference in intentionality between meeting someone on the quad / outside your room and starting a meetup with friends (or new friends!) scattered across town.

Would also suggest looking for social clubs. I've found the "general social hangouts + minimal focus on a shared interest" are great for people time.

Avoids the monomaniacal over-focus of a single-interest activity, while still providing a bridge with random strangers ("You like thing? I like thing!").

social anxiety.

honestly that has made me double think the definition of friendship. they say you know people in hardships. well, I got to know some of my supposed friends when they went on the job market this year and were acting like jerks. after they got jobs, they turned back to normal. but I don't think of them the same as before anymore.

I too miss having friends to nerd out with.

On the same page

I think sometimes you have to realize that it's OKAY if you're always the one to keep in touch, and no one else seems to make any effort.

As long as they're happy to talk when you call, or they show up at the group event when you badger them enough: that's fine. Some people are just not initiators, and it's either you make the effort, or you lose touch with them. You can't insist on reciprocity.

have you checked on the veracity of this type of contact? last time for me it was a good time with an old one; but continuing would be just nostalgic bazinga...

anyway i'm surviving and happy new year [+2 days] nerds!!!!!!!11

> the veracity of this type of contact

you mean, are they really good friends or not? One is always reassessing that, I guess.

That's me. I've been my friends' glue to some extent since we moved away from high school. I like to think they appreciate it, as I appreciate when they reach out. Happy New Year all HN!

As the non-glue friend - YES, we do appreciate it, so so much.

Is it OK? I'm genuinely not sure. I have been considering a new year's resolution not to keep propping up relationship that aren't reciprocated. Are they "not initiators" in all relationships, or just with you? Why do you conclude that it's ok (genuinely interested)?

It's entirely natural that some people become "initiators" as a relationship develops. At the beginning of a relationship, person A will initiate X% of the time, and person B will initiate (100-X)% of the time. Unless X is exactly 50 (unlikely), this means one person will naturally initiate more than the other. And then, over time, the person who initiates less will realize that the other person tends to initiate, and will come to expect it.

Notably, that doesn't mean that the person who initiates less doesn't value your company! (Of course, it also doesn't mean that they do value you, only that the frequency of initiation is not a good proxy for the health of the relationship.)

> the frequency of initiation is not a good proxy for the health of the relationship

it may not give a 100% accurate picture. but it's certainly one of the variables that plays into the health of the relationship.

It CAN be ok. Or maybe "never initiating" is a sign that they just don't care. I've had it shake out both ways.

I'm with you. What I realized is when you take the lead and throw a party or happy hour at a bar or something, your social status increases as well. Most people are followers, few are leaders. If you feel lonely because you don't get invited to parties or events, it might be that they don't think of you as a fellow-follower. It could be that you're actually the leader type and could benefit from that.

I am one of those people that could be described as "not intiators". I genuinely appreciate when people get in touch. I am sorry that I'm almost never the intiator, it's a trait I unfortunately have and I'm working on getting better.

I used to be the one who would never initiate and would feel sad when a relationship just drifted away.

Now I am the initiator most of the times.

Cuz the Buddha said its the path to nirvana. Disconnection breaks you out of the cycle of suffering.

In today's info overload overwhelming reality, its natural that lot of people are going to disconnect.

Nope. If someone doesn’t reciprocate that’s an indication of their level of interest. This is true for friendships and romance. If the other party is always a passive recipient of attention, they aren’t interested in the relationship. It’s pointless to invest one’s time and emotions into such a relationship.

I agree. We could use a different terminology to make a much better sense out of it. Perhaps the word "give" and "take".

If I am the person giving and the other person is just the one that takes, without giving back anything, then nope, I am leaving that relationship for reasons that should be obvious. Another term to call the "takers" would be "leech" or "parasite". It does not sound good now, does it?

You're right, it's definitely one data point.

If you look at your algorithm's ROC: you really want to avoid false negatives ("nope, not a real friend" when they actually could be).

Whereas a false positive ("yep, could be a real friend" and they turn out not to be) is something you will notice & correct eventually.

To be honest, I actually give them the benefit of doubt at first, because what you said does have merit.

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