> Lookup tables for computable values are not novel, nor are they a joke

It's been ages since I've done anything low-level, but I don't think 4 billion if-statements are compiled to a "lookup table" when optimizations are turned off. Each and every if statement would be evaluated in order to determine if it matches the input. This seems to be supported by OP's program outputting in much less time for small numbers than for large numbers--since the small numbers appear earlier in the code.

A 4 billion case switch statement on the other hand, I would expect to compile to some kind of lookup table. Though when the data type is an unsigned int even then I'm not sure what the compiled code would look like without optimization.