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Comment by joegibbs | Hacker News Reader

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

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I agree - it doesn't seem popular at all. I do know a couple of people who are poly.

I am disappointed there were not better stats in the article. So about 50% say open marriages are acceptable, and about 20% say they've experimented with non-monogamy. But how many are actually in a poly relationship? How does that compare to the past?

They list a lot of movie references to poly relations, but what does that have to do with anything? Is it popular for people to become John Wick, Rambo, etc in real life? I think not. Perhaps they enjoy the idea of being a bad ass, vigilante, etc and watching those movies, but many people understand the downsides and that some fantasies should stay fantasies. The same thing for how many things in porn are great as a fantasy, but not things that the person wants to do in real life. There are many similarities to fantastical ideas that many have of non-monogamus relationships.

I think it would have been more accurate to say that ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has become more popular. The only statistics I've seen seem to support that conclusion. I've not seen any statistics that seem to indicate polyamory specifically is dominating that trend though.

Can you provide those? A search only shows about 4-5% currently involved, but nothing about that value over time.

Unfortunately the data seems to be limited, and quite poor, at this time.

I'm guessing this probably stems both from under reporting due to societal stigmas and due to a lack of research. However, I found the following meta-analysis that appears to indicate an increase in interest over the past decade and a half.

You may be able to access these articles through you're local library for free, or if you have a subscription. I do not have a subscription at this time so I'm unable to retrieve the full details. I previously looked into this topic in 2011 when I was still a psych undergrad, there appears to be more research since then.

https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fcfp0000074

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1...

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X2...

A survey from YouGov in 2016 and again in 2020 appears to indicate non-monogamy is a growing preference among millennials. https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/27639-millennials-...

Personally, I'd agree that the idea or interest in it is more common or more openly discussed today. I'm just really curious how some of the trends compare through different parts of history (free love, less puritanical countries, or bigomy, etc). I would guess prior data would be even more biased by cultural stigma.

Pretty common in the Tampa area, but it's definitely an iykyk type of thing. If you don't pass the vibe check it's not something that will be brought up in casual discussion.

What is 'an iykyk type of thing"?

"if you know, you know"

Which from context apparently means it's secretly everywhere, and just can't be measured because outsiders aren't told.

(I usually just see that phrase in reference to in-jokes.)

iykyk is shorthand for "if you know, you know", and I just mean that groups tend to grow around or inclusive of certain subcultures. So people in a given lifestyle are more likely to associate with other people who are at least familiar with that lifestyle. Imagine it like a Venn diagram. I don't go out of my way to spend time around, or make friends with, people who would judge me for my lifestyle.

This has been my experience. I used to be in a particular industry, within which I was introduced to the concepts of polyamory, swinging, and general ethical non-monogamy.

It was fairly common within areas of that industry, which is ironic because it could be rather conservative generally, but there were little bubbles where it seemed the “free spirited” would gravitate toward.

Statistically, you've met many. So either they just didn't feel the need to bring it up, or they felt a specific need to avoid the subject in front of you.

Based on what statistics?

What statistic? A national one? Because the variation from place to place would be drastic, like comparing rural to urban, and the various politics and cultures that have more hold over different cities. I wouldn't say that a national statistic could say much about one single place or person's experience.

I've met a few, but they're always in weird dysfunctional relationships in which one of them is very sexual and wants more than their partner, and their partner is hopelessly in love with this person and will do absolutely anything for fear of losing them. It's vaguely abusive.

This is my ancedata as well. It’s usually used as a proxy to prevent divorce. Those who are actually poly it’s a lot of over communication and a lot of syncing of calendars.

I’ve met a few. They didn’t work out long term, but I don’t know if it was the polyamory at fault…

Theoretically, it sounds great, but in practice it seems very hard unless your bond is better than most couples’.

I know two couples who are in long-term, serious, open relationships.

The couple I’m closest to does a lot of therapy style processing (weekly) which sounds like it might make the whole thing more trouble than it’s worth. But they seem happy and stable so who am I to question?

Fwiw,I live in the Boston area, and I think I can count the number of monogamous people I know, who aren't my family, on my fingers. I was talking to a friend recently about how few people in our social circles are monogamous, and named the two monogamous couples I've been socializing with them most over the last year, and she informed me that she had been dated one person in each of those couples in the last 6 months. As it turned out I assumed they were monogamous because they are more of my idea of a traditional monogamous couple when ove hung out with them, but they both date and play with other people.

It’s popular compared to 20-30 years ago. I have a number of friends who are poly, one of my siblings was for a few years before meeting a partner who wasn’t.

But folks may not mention it to you until you’re at a certain level of friendship. I remember a couple I knew who disclosed after a few months.

That’s probably related to the decline in swinger culture following no-fault divorce.

I have to wonder if the recent resurgence is related to some social or economic effect driving couples to stick it out when they otherwise wouldn’t.

I wonder why people search for reasons other than some people find poly relationships more suited to them, end of story.

I’m married, I’m not looking for a poly arrangement - but I can totally understand the idea that a mono relationship just isn’t what someone wants. I think it’s possible to love more than one person, romantically, or that a successful relationship doesn’t have to mean until one person dies.

Yes, probably. I'd say between 5 and 10% of the people i've met have been at least once in a non-monogamous situation. I used to be too, but it did not last long. Probably the numbers are at least twice as high, it's not something you just tell people.

You must not live in San Francisco!

Doesn't that support their point? If its mostly just more popular in a relatively small, famously progressive area, then has it really gotten that much more popular?

IMO we're still at the stage where the localized waves of ENM could see a heavy backlash as a lot of the participants who are pressured into it start to reverse course and leave those relationships. I myself know one Midwest couple with an open marriage, and it's pretty clear from speaking to them that it was a one sided deal.

Note: I am not saying all ENM relationships are based on pressure, but frankly many are, and that's not sustainable.

I've met a few here in Fargo, ND. More than when I lived in Tacoma, WA. Relatively large community of poly/swingers in Fargo.

While not polyamory, a locum nurse at my daughter's first vaccination spent a lot of time telling us about the weird inseminatory/co-parenting setup he and his husband had with a lesbian couple. Like, a lot more time than the actual vaccination we turned up for took.

As is typical of British health care we'd waited a good 45 minutes after arriving on time for our appointment (at 9 AM), and I really couldn't help wondering if the delays were down to him.

TL;DR I am often tempted to think the very vocal nature is the intention, rather than the subject they're vocal about.

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