Comment by rubicon33 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by rubicon33 | Hacker News Reader

This is a visualization of how I have been feeling for the last couple of years.

I'm in my mid 30s and lately have been going through what I'm sure is a mid life crisis. Seeing all these empty cells really underscores the point.

- Aware of my limited time

- Aware of my limited health (despite exercising, eating healthy, avoiding alcohol and drugs, sleeping well, etc... I don't feel like I did in my 20s)

- Difficulty finding meaning in my work / life ... lots of existential thoughts and worries.

- Bored and burned out, not really sure "what else" there is yet constantly reminded of time that is running out.

Anyone else been feeling this way? My "solution" has been to just accept it and take each day as it comes. I haven't given up, I'm just trying to chill out and let go a little bit. The last three decades were all about gas, gas, gas and maybe I need to just accept that I've reached a time in life where my body and mind is telling me to ease up on the accelerator, enjoy the small things, and accept that what will be will be.

Interestingly, I came across this tweet from the founder of Replit:

"Lots of ink spilled on the coming of age, but no one prepares you for middle age: losing a parent, confronting the reality of passing time, and the resulting reevaluation of life’s priorities. More art should explore this period of life."

It struck me at the same age as you. It doesn't seem to be unique and I didn't find the solution. What I think is that there is no solution, just acceptance and making sure we do things that we feel are worthwhile whilst avoiding that "auto-mode" at work.

For me, it was the fact that I live 8000km from my parents. The last 2 years were just so fast it became a blur. But seeing them grow old scared me so much that I'd rather lose out on my career but try to spend more time with them and live closer.

Instead of chasing startups and VC glory, I would like to work on problems that I care about and build small things that are fun despite them not bringing full-time income even if I just do it on the side. My professional goals are around working on worthwhile things (subjective) with a small team of awesome people. The dream setup is to have 5 smart friends and work together on cool shit we all enjoy whilst earning a living.

Also exploring all these emotions and feelings is interesting. I found that having dire nostalgia and melancholic feelings about the past (and hence passing time...)probably signals something. However, if left unexplored it doesn't lead to introspection. It's meta but even thinking about why the feelings that you described exist leads to interesting internal and external conversations. Journaling, therapy, SO conversations.

"Spending your time well" is an art that is hard to get right.

Would love to also hear about more resources on this topic.

> whilst avoiding that "auto-mode"

what do you mean by this?

I've felt that way since my mid-20s because I started "late" professionally. I've been playing catch up ever since.

Although I've had a lot of success by conventional means (I run my own company solo, work for myself, I'm married with children, I own my house with no mortgage, etc).

My sights are still higher and I feel like I'm still playing catch up. I've been debating about what to focus my time on these days-- do I push more on my business and attain more success? Do I allow myself time to pursue interests that have little to negative financial upsides? Do I forget all of it and just spend that time with my family?

Wish I had a solution or answer for you, but I'm still figuring it out.

Those questions are the same questions I would have. Not sure there's an easy answer for either of us unfortunately.

If I were you I'd probably spend time with my kids. They're only young once and getting to enjoy those years would probably mean the most to me.

Even that can be a puzzle. Kids can be hard work. People like to talk in rosy terms about spending time with kids, especially when it’s the “idea” of kids or the “memory” of their own kids. Yet few parents of presently young children describe their days as blissfully idyllic. So what does “enjoy” really mean? Aside from basics like “don’t work 90 hour weeks” or “don’t travel for work three weeks a month”.

Most of "enjoying time with your kids" is less about what you do and the fact you're there to do it.

It's about building the memories and the trust (in both directions) that anchors the family together. That'll pay off as they grow older and come into their own identities and start to drift away from you into their own lives.

It's partly about setting up opportunities for the big events that people idealize and have nostalgia for. If you're not there, you can't have those great experiences.

It's partly about having the bad experiences. Sometimes those matter more in the long run for building the deep, meaningful, and lasting relationship.

The day-to-day often sucks and often isn't "enjoyed". But the cumulative results of the time and the good and the bad - that takes long-term investment.

Taking care of kids is hard sometimes, no doubt. But spending time with your young kids can absolutely be fun and truly enjoyable. It takes effort to come up with activities and start them. When they begin talking it gets way more fun. I enjoy hanging out with my child and I would describe my days as blissfully idyllic a majority of the time. If you put in the work it pays off with intense fulfillment, pride, and a best friend. I think for this to work you need to be present with your child and actively engaging almost everyday for long periods.

I admit I don’t know that many parents personal enough to know if most are feeling more burdened than not. I would hope that is not the case.

On a basic level, kids give off joy and kids enjoy the world in ways that are long dead to us.

It is enjoyable to watch them grow and putting energy into kids when they are young feels rewarding.

Pretty much everything a kid does is important and/or rewarding biologically to the parents.

I've noticed parents don't talk about it in public, they've forgotten what it is like to be single and wrapped up in work.

Parents often only say that 'you should have kids' and 'it's great' with no further description of what it is like.

Parents are a strange phenomena, they become tribal and grounded, once a man becomes a father.

I can relate to that feeling. I've been reading books on different philosophies to find way out of this. Now I feel like I just accept life is meaningless in a positive way. But it is hard to get all over of these feelings that it still comes back at me once a while.

I do have a few hobbies I can enjoy doing to just forget about all those things. I don't think there is a "solution" though, everyone needs to find his/her own remedy someway.

Do little exercising, eat what is on your mind, do alcohol and drugs, try to still sleep well after having fun partying, etc... life is too short to restrain yourself. Splurge on things you never did, will bring some fresh breath and newfound hunger for life.

I definitely think there's some truth to this, and I would benefit from some kind of unwinding. I'm just not sure yet what it is. Drugs and alcohol tend to make me feel worse the next day(s).

alchol and eating fried food ( what is on my mind) give me intense heartburn.

Another perk of getting old ;)

There’s an awful lot of life still ahead of your early twenties, and I had several loose friends in college who burnt themselves out on drugs. You don’t have to be a prude, but you can cut a long, bright future very short indeed without some restraint.

This is interesting to me, because exercising, and changing my lifestyle to support that, are what has given me that hunger for life.

Runner's high or the sense of accomplishment from a 100 mile bike ride or a tough day hike make me feel more alive than any party ever did.

Eat some yummy unhealthy foods. Have a beer. Life is too short.

heh, been doing that more and more... not sure its helping though honestly!

Or just call a loved one for a chat out of the blue. :p

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