Life lessons from a 44 year old (2022)
anniemacmanus.com
anniemacmanus.com
Before entering into a relationship with someone else, make sure you understand and own your own traumas, have accepted yourself and are content with who you are. You cannot do that easily with the added complication of a relationship. It adds a dynamic that will trigger every single unrecognized negative personality trait you have, and that will trigger theirs.
People move large distances to live somewhere else for love, work or to escape. Be careful you aren’t running away from yourself.
Your children will grow up quicker than you think. Those moments at every step of their development you will never have again. Before you know it you won’t be able to lift them up on your arm. Before you know it they spend most of their time with their friends and think you’re old and dumb. Before you know it they’ve moved out and are living far away. Before you know it you get to speak to them once a month on the phone.
You parents won’t always be around. If your parents are 65 and you see them once a year, you’ll see them an estimated grand total of 10-15 more times if you’re lucky.
Practice analyzing risks before making crucial decisions, but do not become paralyzed by your risk analysis.
Choosing not to do something is also a decision.
Your health is the most important valuable thing you ever have.
And use sunscreen.
this kills me every time, specially since I live in a different country, so I can't see them much more than that
I try to thank her every time I call with her, and apologize for being an ass.
But what hurts me the most is that I can't help her. I can't fix the computer, or clear the gutters. You know, things that an adult son should be doing.
Nor can I invite her for coffee.
Well, actually, she'd come around unannounced, via the gate, not using the front door. I got angry about that multiple times. But now, I would be really happy.
The days are long but the years are short.
It's why I couldn't be a productive artist/designer. There are too many subjective and inconsequential decisions to invent.
This seems like bad advice to me, given that it rules out romantic relationships for anyone under the age of ~30
I am convinced that being strong is the single most important thing any human being can do once all of their basic needs are met.
After having entered thousands of houses as a volunteer EMT and seeing people younger than my parents who on the verge of becoming incapable of self-sufficient living due to frailty, no other problems just muscle (and bone) loss, I am absolutely irrefutably convinced that every single human being on earth would benefit from pumping some iron.
I just looked it up and even patients with brittle bone disease are highly encouraged to become as strong as possible through physical therapy because of the benefits of being strong.
There is but an insignificantly vanishingly small sliver of humanity too sick to strength train, even if it is just overhead pressing some cans of chicken noodle soup while you watch tv.
It's not important to be strong. It's important to feel strong. This is what keeps humans going. Despair is insurmountable without self esteem, in some regard.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/256992-it-is-important-in-l...
eg If your limbs are disabled, being able to handle the resistance to a gentle ocean wave, is a way to feel stronger than you normally do.
Expecting that "being strong" will always mean the same thing (even within your own lifetime) is not rational.
>> There is but an insignificantly vanishingly small sliver of humanity too sick to strength train, even if it is just overhead pressing some cans of chicken noodle soup while you watch tv.
Cardio matters as you pass middle age. I know some people that do weights that are simply unfit - out of breath doing hill climbing.
Anecdotally I see some physical and mental health from simpler regimes: some regular walking. Why are working people in London mostly not obese - using the tube which needs 10 to 15 minutes of walking must help. Especially so if mixing walking with social?
"Four seconds of intense intervals, repeated until they amount to a minute of total exertion, led to rapid improvements in strength and fitness in middle-aged and older adults." - https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/30/well/move/can-4-seconds-o...
Ideally we need to look at which fitness interventions help someone who has an unhealthy lifestyle. But the selection problem remains: people that are motivated to change their lifestyles (whether weights training, walking, whatever) are a different subpopulation compared against the majority of people with bad lifestyles.
Also I'm guessing you are responding as a <50yr old man to "Don’t exercise to be thin. Exercise to be strong." - the article appears to be by Annie Macmanus. I know two female body builders and neither exercises to be thin.
I'll pick this as a favourite; "17. All kids ever want is you. Your full undivided attention. Even twenty minutes of that in a day is better than a whole afternoon of scrappy conversations and phone scrolling."
So much friction with kids is solved by giving them undivided attention (even briefly).
When you have a kid. Drop EVERYTHING in your life, take off (completely) from work and spend your days with them. For at least a month or two. Make breakfast, watch little kid shows, all that.
Yeah money, but you have decades to earn money. Those couple months you won't get back.
Yes, spend time with your kids, but try not to smother them, and ensure they have a diverse set of interactions with a range of people.
All of this is of course is luxurious thinking for people with wealth and skills that stay in demand.
At that point, kids start yearning to build their own identities. At least some of the time. They want to make their own friends; find their own obsessions and solve (or create) their own problems. They still check in with parents a lot. The rubber band of independence stretches and snaps, again and again.
You realize that no one is a perfect parent, because the concept of perfection collapses on itself. Part of the way that kids master independence is to be annoyed at their parents -- enough so that they walk home instead of waiting for the ride. If we're too good at parenting, the chaos and casual cruelty of the outside world becomes unbearable and they never get the hang of running their own lives.
1. Don't exercise to thin. Exercise to be strong. --> Especially as you get older, strength diminishes. Exercise enough to keep your strength. This has so many positive knock-on effects.
10. The small details of your day matter. --> They really do. We're all busy, but make time to read a book, to play a silly video game, to go for a hike. My favorite saying: "Enjoy life. This isn't a dress rehearsal."
11. Allow friendships to come and go. --> It seems to get more difficult to find friends. Fewer oppportunities, and we get picker. Another saying: "Everyone is someone else's weirdo." Enjoy your weirdness, take other people as they are, and find friendships in unexpected people.
14. Everyone should go on a course before becoming parents, to find out exactly how their own parents traumatised them. --> You will avoid your parents' mistakes and traumatize your children in new and unexpected ways. We're all amateurs at this, just doing the best we can.
18. Put your phone down. Put your phone down. Put your phone down. --> This is surprisingly hard. What I am doing just now???
> The small details of your day matter. Be it your first cup of coffee in the morning, or the way you make your bed, or a walk through the park on the way to work, life is year upon year of stacked up small joys like these. Take pleasure and pride in them.
But among other good nuggets, I think this can be missed. We often look forward to "big" events in our lives, but I think it's also important to structure a life where you get to enjoy a series of little things each day.
One thing I'd add is that having a kid is very different than I imagined. I assumed it would be a slog like doing chores, but you'd feel accomplished at the end (like having a clean house).
Instead, it's way more fun than I imagined, more similar to playing a funs port. It's very enjoyable, but breaks and rest time are welcome.
I'm not sure I agree on the "reach out 3 times and then stop reaching out".
I have some friends who are terrible at social situations. They don't reach out to anyone. They're homebodies, and lonely, and often find excuses. Gently asking once every few weeks if they want to get together seems to be what they need. Sometimes it takes 3 tries on average, on occasion more, sometimes less.
I wanted to. It was hard to not spend time with them. I spoil my kids though.
Maybe we were corrupted by incorrect images of kids/parents.
One of the unexpected benefits of being the WFH parent for so long is I became an excellent cook, starting from practically no ability at all. Cooking real, varied dinners that keep kids happy 2x-3x per week will level up your skills in a way that weekend attempts a few times per month just can't compete.
I remember the first time I did something really new that worked out well - a self-serve burrito bar featuring various ingredients. The kids were thrilled and my spouse was so grateful. It changed the family dynamics for the better.
- It will be great to be able to count on your experience.
- Sure, no problem. (Wait, what? Oh, I see.)
Now in my late 40s I try to refrain from giving unsolicited advice.
Suffice to say quite a few of the things here I don't agree with, but then again I don't have something to sell or market.
Spend an hour on /r/regretfulparents and see it resonates at all.
it takes an unbelievable amount of time, energy and sacrifice to raise children. Providing for their materials needs like working hard to pay for college while not actually spending time with them will do them absolutely no favors. If you're just going to put them in front of screens, in school, in after-school care, etc so you don't actually have to devote attention to them then don't have them. You will be better off. Creating a new generation of people who have to work through the trauma of not really being wanted is best avoided.
Be honest with yourself and your partner about this. If you give in just to keep your partner (for whom having kids may be a deal breaker), you're going to make your life, your partner's life and your children's life miserable.
It's OK not to do it.
School and aftercare help teach kids social skills and a modicum of independence. Children socializing with a variety of other children is such an important thing, I cannot overstate this enough.
My folks restricted the fuck our of screens when I was a kid, it actively stunted my social life. I didn't see all the shows my friends watched and couldn't relate/participate in these conversations, same with videogames. It was something that took me a while to move past in terms of resentment.
My kids know how much my spouse and I love them. We spend a lot of quality time together with them. Giving a child undivided attention as much as possible is, in my experience, NOT a good thing. Kids then rely on the parent solely for entertainment and distraction. They don't learn how to play independently, or with siblings/other kids. They don't learn to bounce back up after a fall because they know $parent is always there to pick them up, or how to navigate a disagreement with a peer, because $parent is always there to moderate.
> Creating a new generation of people who have to work through the trauma of not really being wanted is best avoided.
Creating a new generation of people who haven't learned how to be independent and self-sufficient is far, far worse. Kids can tell if you love and care about them, it has nothing to do with aftercare.
I strongly disagree with your assessment.
I say this because you seem to take my point personally and are shadow boxing with a point I never made. Did I say "don't send your kid to school"? Did I say "never let your kid in front of a screen"? No, of course not.
There is, for example, a vast difference between playing Xbox with your child vs letting them sit all day in their room on Roblox.
My point is that I see so many people (too many people) use screens as babysitters, work long hours to "provide" and keep their kids in the care of other people all their waking hours without actually spending ANY time with them.
None of those things are objectively bad. It's only bad when you're using them as an excuse to avoid giving children your time and attention because, in reality, you don't actually want children.
Jeepers - you seem to be fixating a lot on this "childhood trauma" idea. My guess is that you are responding to someone who would never apply those words to that situation (seemed like normal teenage stuff to me).
Obviously HN is a terrible forum to have any reasonable discussion about the cause of your fixation.
Context: I think that there's a whole psych industry that survives by ruminating on personal problems: the industry and it's participants are incentivised to addict people to their tripe. The right amount of psych thinking is healthy: dosage defines a poison.
Holy shit, that's some depressing stuff
I didn't particularly want kids, but my wife really wanted them. Took me some time to adjust, and when they're very little it's a real slog, but ... well, they're just people, people who are biologically pre-disposed to love you very much, and who you are biologically pre-disposed to love very much. The enormous amount of love that comes into your life when you're a parent is the upside of the whole thing that's invisible to non-parents
Maybe this woman has it figured it out better than I do, but I doubt it. Do your best. Behave in a confident enough manner that people will take you seriously as an employee, spouse, friend, whatever it is. But never become too confident on the inside. No matter how certain you seem on the outside, stay humble and remain open to the possibility that you are actually wrong. I think there's an enormous need on the part of a typical human to take a position on everything they're aware of. Don't give in to that. Admit to yourself what you don't know, either because the facts don't exist, aren't accessible to you, or you simply don't have the time and intellectual energy to do the research necessary to truly understand everything that might matter. Become comfortable with your own limits.
I'm 51, and any advice I'd give would boil down to "always keep in mind that you are (and everyone is!) probably wrong about almost everything"
A) Make exercise fun - tennis, golf, hiking, skating, skiing etc.
B) Marriage is a piece of paper. Kids are permanent and a major source of pain or joy depending on how you raise them.
C) Always have a plan B for job, housing, and possibly primary relationship. You may never need it but having one makes plan A tolerable longer.
D) Fully fund your 401k and Roth or trad IRA(s). Let compound interest work for you.
E) Own whatever home you can afford to buy from tiny on up.
F) Reserve time every day or week for your 10000 hour activities/skills.
The thing on letting friends come and go, kind of.
There are things you'll never know, and depths of feeling and insight you'll never attain, unless you are capable of holding on to at least a couple friends for decades. Some friendships are backloaded like Amazon RSUs.
I was discussing this to my 13 and 15 year olds this morning on the way to school. Thirteen is upset because she's growing apart from a previously best friend. It happens. Adults are good (perhaps too good) at compartmentalizing our relationships - golf buddy, work spouse, drinking buddy, sorority sister, etc - in ways that kids don't. Relationships come and go through life. This doesn't mean we need to treat them as ephemeral or unimportant, it just means that if they fade it doesn't mean they won't come back - or that perhaps its ok for them to fade.
Come back in 30-40 years, maybe.
Trauma is treatable.
November 30, 2023
1. Don’t exercise to be strong. Exercise to be healthy.
2. The best place for ideas is where ever works best for you.
3. What she said. And carry and pencil and pocket-sized notebook everywhere. People say I have a great memory. It's a hack, not a gift.
4. In relationships, the most important thing is love. If you have it, no problem is too big. Without it, who cares?
5. If sex ever becomes hard work, become a hooker. You might as well get paid.
6. Consider a pet before having anything else.
7. At any age, if you take care of yourself, you will not experience irrational weight gain. Nothing happens out of nowhere for no reason at all. There are no rewards or punishments, only consequences.
8. Sometimes in life, the best thing to do, is to <insert whatever works for you>.
9. In a long term relationship, be either "all in" or not. If you're "all in", be "all in".
10. Learn the difference between issues and details. Issues matter. Details don't.
11. Allow aquaintances to come and go. True friendships are so rare and precious, never lose them. (I learned that the hard way too many times.)
12. Give every "no show" one opportunity to apologize. After that, ghost them. No matter what happens, it will be for the best.
13. Never allow anyone to "make you feel" anything. You must always decide how to feel yourself.
14. If you're too stupid to use a condom, you get what you deserve. Unfortunately sometimes your child gets what you deserve too.
15. The more you know, the lower the percentage of everything there is to know will be known by you.
16. Don't pick the phone up in the first place. (There, you just eliminated the need for 4,528 "put your phone down" rules.
17. See #14, #15, and #16.
18. See #16. See how easy.
19. Apply #16 to social media. Except Hacker News.
20. If you're older than the author of a listicle, you have automatic permission to build upon it with your own listicle.
OP, thanks for the nice list, and the opportunity to play along with good clean fun. :-)
Number 12 is spot on, people wasting your time should be eliminated very quickly. Money can be gained again, time is lost forever.
Perhaps is author is talking about the effects of (pre) menopause but men can easily avoid this by replacing carb with protein and lifting weights. You just have adjust your lifestyle as you age.
Eat less and you'll be fine.