I text "oh hey if you haven't left yet could you bring my umbrella?"
She arrives 20 minutes late and $20 down, having received message after she left and taken a detour to buy me an umbrella.
Communicating stakes and priorities is hard! I think I've been explicit but she doesn't read messages as literally as me. I should have said "if you have already left then please don't worry as I have a coat on".
Best way I've found to avoid this is to leave as little to assumption as is reasonable to.
A part of me thinks that some of the pitfalls in communication comes from culture, where different groups of people have different expectations of how much to leave to assumption, etc. Hard to really put it clearly, but I would love to read some research around this.
This completely kills initiative, tough, and may reduce the value added by each team member by 50% or more.
The only time to use such tactics is with someone who is acting in very bad faith and at risk of being fired. It can be done for a while to establish an example, while rewarding better behavior with more autonomy gradually.
If they still ignore the instructions, then that's proper grounds for firing them (even in Europe), and if they chose to leave because of it, well, that's ok too.
(I have no idea what your generalized statement is in relation to btw, so I could be talking out of my ass as well, lol)
So yeah, it takes a lot of works to communicate efficiency, no matter the length of the end results
1) I've been micromanaging them too much, and they stopped thinking for themselves. Possibly partly because they were lazy, or annoyed or because they thought it was ok.
2) They don't have the ability to see that my instructions did not make sense in the situation they're in. Maybe they didn't have the training, self confidence or initiative to realize that the instructions were assuming a situation that was different from the actual one.
3) There is real bad faith involved.
Most cases fall roughly under 1). In that case, the proper response is to reduce the level of micromanagement, and let the people figure more things out on their own. That means that even when I spot that they're making minor mistakes, I need to keep my mouth shut. People need to make mistakes sometime so they can learn from them. If they want to discuss those topics with me, I will try to treat them as peers not subordinates. While doing this I also try to make it clear that I expect independent thought.
Then there are the cases that fall under 2). In those cases, I try to give tasks or instructions that are either intrinsically easier, or if that is not possible, I may break the tasks down to more manageable units, while trying to actively provide training and mentoring.
The rarest case is 3) If this is the case, I will provide some push back. Luckily, as a tech lead, I don't have direct reports, so I can refer such cases to the line manager if it gets too bad.
Part of communication is also to give feedback about such things
- Rain distribution isn't uniform, it poured where she was and thought it was necessary.
And/or
- Overestimating time/sunk cost fallacy ("it's just going to take 2 minutes")
And/or
- Giving less importance to ponctuality than others
And/or
- She didn't have one and thought it was a good idea, worth being late
And/or ...
No fault here for either party. Just a learning experience. And as you say, he can give the feedback that she didn't need to go out of her way as well.
Of course I think _my_ communication style is "better". But the best communication style is actually the one that communicates your thoughts to the other person, not the one that "makes the most sense".
And meanwhile there are still cases where it will be the other way around and I am going "well I said X, but surely you could have read between the lines..."
So yeah, the best response is to tell her about the miscommunication so she can know better next time, but it's stupid to try and say she was "wrong". It takes two!
Either way is unnecessarily frustrating, and while I’m willing to be a little bit patient while I train people out of the practice, sometimes it’s just not tenable. If you pause, take a breath, try to think critically, and both pre-answer anticipated questions and ask questions for clarification - better communication and more reasonable expectations are absolutely achievable. You’ve just got to be willing to commit to working on it. Not everybody sees the value in that unfortunately.
I've gotten feedback from some people that my communication is too terse and from other people that it is too longwinded. I can adapt to people I communicate regularly with (like my partner, people on my team, etc.), but it is not possible to do anything with that feedback in terms of first time communication or communication with infrequent collaborators.
Maybe it’s also time for you to step up and buy her a thoughtfully selected umbrella.
Good communication is key.
Where are you getting this information from?
IMO there is nothing wrong with the comment you're replying to. They didn't say that they didn't appreciate the gesture. Just that it taught them that they needed to be more explicit about the priorities of requests.
A different thread of conversation in this post is arguing over what good faith means.
The above poster is clearly not showing good faith because they're assuming negative behaviors. That's where they got the information from.
The very first clause in their remark gives that this is a typical and repeated scenario.
> They didn't say that they didn't appreciate the gesture
The point here is that social relationships are not a valid analog for management.
What a giant leap. Thinking like that is a sure fire way to have relationship problems.
Only for those carrying the controlling/abusive danger flag.
Not what I said, and quite unrelated.[1] Moreover, it is not what you said, even if that's what you meant. You said:
> She went to the time and trouble to pick out an umbrella especially for you, and she did it because this is clearly not the first time so it makes sense for there to be a spare umbrella.
These are significant assumptions to make. Jumping to conclusions like that will lead to relationship problems.
Of course, I could go on and talk about how the behavior could be problematic even if the assumptions are true, but it depends on the particulars of the two people involved. Certainly, if the assumption is true, the behavior is not necessarily a positive one. Intentions matter. As do outcomes. Don't ignore the latter.
[1] And yes, that could trivially lead to relationship problems, and could also trivially lead to relationship bliss, given how generic your comment is.
Good grief. No, it will lead to a moment of amused bonding over the burgeoning umbrella collection you now share, and a perpetual anniversary in my calendar labelled "New umbrella day".
The point I'm making, and shall reiterate, is that maintenance of social relationships is utterly dissimilar to how we manage organisations.
1. I took this action.
2. It had this impact on another person.
3. I should have taken a different action!
Could you explain, in your own words instead of putting the responsibility on me to interpret your meaning, how they are blaming their partner for the interaction?
No. Do not imagine it nor ponder it. Go right to her and ask.
And in the long run, she needs to be coached to articulate without being asked every time (if that is the case with her).
Generally, when people start imagining how I feel about X, they are wrong over 50% of the time, which leads to an escalation of problems. Don't wonder how I feel. Ask me explicitly.
As for the wider discussion: The path to Hell is paved with good intentions. I struggled with this often until I read some negotiations books, all of which said "Don't give credit to someone who did something for you that was of no value to you, and signal to them that this is of no value so that they do not expect a concession from you as a result." For random one offs with random people, it's fine to appreciate their (totally wasteful) effort because you don't have to deal with it often. But in a long term relationship it becomes a currency and causes long term stress. Not only are these efforts creating problem for you (money wasted, time wasted, etc), in the long run the other party will expect credit for it, which will feel like an added insult to injury.
I don't think OP have made any communication mistakes.