The key for me is people like to engage in a conversation about themselves, and that requires you to:
* deeply interact with them about what they care about, challenging them m and giving them a chance to defend themselves and their beliefs in a way that is respectful and demonstrates true interest
* weave yourself into the conversation bringing your experiences and thoughts into their conversation about themselves
* try to learn something new from them, and be sure you articulate what you’ve learned clearly
* bring new information to them about the things they care about and get their views on that information
Etc
It’s basically the same as any conversation that’s not a monologue, even a solicited one. They want to feel important and interesting to you, and learn about you at the same time. But in the end you can’t assume they’ll be interested in you at first, so it’s often useful to lead the way by being interested in them. If you are a person who likes to learn, this shouldn’t be hard. Just try to avoid sinking into social anxiety as best you can as that’s when things become forced and weird.
The way it was explained to me by a Brit is that he had to stop looking for "normal conversation" because Californians just "take turns talking about themselves".
There's advantages and disadvantages both ways but most people are strongly biased to whatever approach they grew up with.
Every Californians Ever (Part 1 of 2):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCer2e0t8r8
Every Californians Ever (Part 2 of 2):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzZkaqBmH-s
I love how the actors have such a hard time keeping from cracking up while delivering their lines and facial expressions, because it's TOTALLY how Californians actually talk. (Except for Betty White whose performance was flawless.)
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hella!!!
Q: How many Southern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Totally!!!
https://escholarship.org/uc/item/6492j904
Hella Nor Cal or Totally So Cal?: The Perceptual Dialectology of California
Mary Bucholtz, Nancy Bermudez, Victor Fung, Lisa Edwards and Rosalva Vargas. Journal of English Linguistics 2007; 35; 325. DOI: 10.1177/0075424207307780
>Abstract
>This study provides the first detailed account of perceptual dialectology within California (as well as one of the first accounts of perceptual dialectology within any single state). Quantitative analysis of a map-labeling task carried out in Southern California reveals that California’s most salient linguistic boundary is between the northern and southern regions of the state. Whereas studies of the perceptual dialectology of the United States as a whole have focused almost exclusively on regional dialect differences, respondents associated particular regions of California less with distinctive dialects than with differences in language (English versus Spanish), slang use, and social groups. The diverse socio linguistic situation of California is reflected in the emphasis both on highly salient social groups thought to be stereotypical of California by residents and nonresidents alike (e.g., surfers) and on groups that, though prominent in the cultural landscape of the state, remain largely unrecognized by outsiders (e.g., hicks).
Extra credit question:
Can you locate the isogloss designating the "101" / "The 101" line?
It makes sense tot think about it in terms of space. If you never speak about yourself the other person "is taking up all the space".
Speaking about yourself, or at least choosing topics proactively can improve your interaction with others. People often want to hear about you, but they prefer to hear about positive or interesting things that happen to you or what's on your mind. For example I love telling funny anecdotes, people love it and they have a great time.
The key is to focus on their reaction. If they don't care about your interests or your day you'll know, and don't feel invalidated or get upset. Just change topics and have a good time.
The real key is curiosity - do you understand their viewpoint? Really? Really really? Are you just responding to a best guess of what you think it is? But once you really do understand (and they understand that you understand) it's totally fine to talk about some anecdote about yourself if it relates.
Everyone deals with fucked up brains, and having people to openly talk about it with casually has both helped me deal with my own shit and get through it faster and meant we know each other on a far deeper level.
Edit: I removed the example because it just distracts from the point.
How did you learn to speak more about yourself when (if you're like me), your mind starts to shut down as soon as you start?
And you can drop hooks for them to ask more about even while talking about them - like "Did you have any trouble getting through Y? I had trouble with X there a couple times before"
There are plenty of bad conversationalists out there though, and I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort of forcing a totally one sided conversation the other way.
But you are right; there is a balance, people that only ask about me and don't tell anything about themselves won't work either. Personally, the preferred route is to just quickly find common ground and go do something. Can be anything.
I think there's a big middle between this and "always making conversations about yourself".