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Comment by Quinzel | Hacker News Reader

Give the person the space to be heard in their own time. Don’t try to force a conversation but be ready to listen when they’re ready to talk. When I say listen, I really mean just listen. Sometimes when people are in bad headspaces, the stuff they talk about is uncomfortable for others to hear, but sometimes they just need to feel heard.

It’s common for people to want to offer solutions, and sometimes practical problems really do need practical solutions, and other times some problems just need to be heard.

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I’m seeing a lot advice to just only listen. But when I’m just there silently listening my counterpart they would just angry why I only there in silence.

Thanks. This is good advice. The whole people needing a hug and not a lecture thing has been looping a little in my brain.

Yeah, people don’t need lectures. They just need to be heard, and feel the connection that listening without feeling judged builds. Kudos to you for making the effort for your friend though too! People don’t do that often enough.

Curious if this is something you have actually done personally and if you had success with a major intervention

I wouldn’t call it a “major intervention” because I would consider anything that was a major intervention to involve some professional guidance. Especially if someone is suicidal or at risk of some other form of serious self harm.

However, I have applied this advice with someone I love, who was doing not too well last year. They were in a pretty bad place mental health wise, and I was really worried. I just spent a lot of time being with them, whether they wanted to talk or not, and when they did start to talk, I made sure I actually listened. They are doing a lot better this year. Can I say that it’s directly because I listened? No Is that a major intervention? No. But what it did was build a much stronger relationship with a lot more trust and I think that is pretty helpful.

So if you are counseling someone about suicide, it isn’t serious if you aren’t a professional? I don’t get it. Is a crisis not serious unless someone has a professional assigned?

I think a crisis is serious if someone is contemplating suicide/self-harm whether a person providing support is or is not a professional.

I personally think if someone is in that much of a crisis one should however seek professional input… however… OP said “I don't want the 'seek professional help' etc” so I’ve kind of tried to work around that here.

I think you’re just misunderstanding what I mean. That may be because I haven’t communicated my thoughts effectively enough, or you don’t like my suggestion at all… but yet you haven’t seem to provide a good alternative either..

I don’t think I agree with your top level suggestion if someone is in serious crisis, so I wanted to see if you had some particular experience.

Your follow up rubbed me the wrong way, but perhaps you simply misspoke when you said:

> wouldn’t call it a “major intervention” because I would consider anything that was a major intervention to involve some professional guidance.

Maybe you meant to say you recommend professional help if things are serious, but instead you said it isn’t serious unless a professional was involved. A lot of people don’t have or want professional help, land lots of non professionals find themselves with friends and loved ones and n crisis. A lot of people finding themselves making an intervention, even if that is only to convince someone to see a professional

Ok, well what would you do for someone in crisis then? How would you help someone?

Im not confident enough in any proposal to make a casual recommendation. I don’t want someone else’s blood on my hands from giving flippant advice.

I can say that from my experience, knowing people care about me was important, but so was getting an honest reality check. The realization that I can’t blame others or my circumstances for my misery was fundamental for pulling out of a really rough patch that lasted several years. One key learning I had was that Only I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness. Nobody owes me happiness and neither does the world.

The sentiment down thread recommending someone should consider walking away from the things causing them pain before taking their lives really resonated with me, because that was another breakthrough I had.

I had to lean that depression and addiction are a choice. Blaming others, circumstances, and feeling helpless is just a lazy cop out to avoid taking responsibility for my own emotions.

That said, people’s issues are different. What helped me might send someone else over the edge, so I don’t want to make a recommendation.

Similarly, some people might just need a friend to listen. Other times if you just listen you might miss the last chance to save a life.

> I had to lean that depression and addiction are a choice

I was actually under the impression that genetics accounted for about 40-60% of a persons risk of addiction. I’m not so sure about depression but I was under the impression that genetic and neurobiological factors were also significant in the aetiology of depression. Maybe I just need to hit my textbooks again, and read a few papers. It’s definitely not simply a matter of choice or a moral failing of the person who is experiencing these things.

I’m glad for you knowing people care helped you work through your own struggles. I wonder how they showed you that they cared?

I dont think those genetics numbers are right, but it is really besides the point. Im not moralizing or even talking about how you get there. Im talking about what you can do about it once you are there.

No addict has ever gotten clean without choosing to try. Staying clean requires choosing to do so each day. If you dont make a concerted effort, it doesnt magically happen by itself. A friend, family, or therapist can cant do it for you. They might help you, but you have to actively take control of your life.

Same for depression. you cant get better without trying, and you wont get better if you dont try. It really is that simple.

In either case, if you believed you have no choice in the matter, you are 100% doomed. I would never tell an addict that they have no choice, no control, and they are predetermined to fail everything they try.

It doesnt matter how stacked the chances are against people. The only 100% predictor of outcome is the actions you take moving forward. People who stay clean chose that every day. Those who dont, are not. Same for depression.

Fair point

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