Dungeons and Dragons saved my life | Hacker News Reader

Dungeons and Dragons saved my life

hearsay.tech

I think it's a common joke in the D&D world that D&D sessions are just group therapy sessions where you sometimes get to kill a goblin.

D&D has helped various members of my group cope with suicidal ideation, divorce, eating disorder, social anxiety, and depression.

Not saying it was the best Avenue by any means, but it was effective for the six of us! Maybe it's just the circle of friends and non-judgmental atmosphere (unless it comes to the GOD AWFUL decisions we make in game).

I think one of the major draws of D&D is that it lets you spend time with friend and acquaintances in a fun, yet emotionally charged situation. It's a third place.

I'm guessing this is also something that sports fans get out of watching games together, where the emotional highs and lows are important - but in D&D, you and your choices & actions are the source of those highs and lows, instead of watching someone else make those decisions.

Or the god awful roles. I think my friends dice want to see him dead.

haha, last session our part basically gave up as the dice definitely wanted us dead.

roles or rolls?

Cardassian voles

circle of friends and non-judgmental atmosphere

for a lot of smaller problems this is all that is needed.

it is also a place to explore your personality and share it with others.

someone who can play a kind and considerate D&D character can also be kind and considerate in real life. i am not even sure if one can play such positive traits if one does not have them in real life.

The human mind can be a jail and any projection or role play can help break free for a few hours.

Many things are said to be great for the mind, even above the benefits physical activities.

There is a saying amongst riders "You don't see a motorcycle parked in front of a psychologist". Which is of course a tongue in cheek joke, but the feeling of freedom from riding my bike in the hills has often helped me ease in the sometimes hard realities of home.

I think people underestimate the power of something to look forward to in life and a group of friends/acquaintances to do it with.

That's absolutely right. Have 'no plan' and nothing to look forward to is very demoralizing.

I did not know this going in! I am entirely disconnected from the "D&D world", although a couple of folks in the group are extremely connected and speak about it sometimes.

I have a group of friends that meet for D&D twice a month. For us it's like the nerd's version of going out to a movie.

I even made a comment at the birthday party of one of these friends last week. "Come on out, we're terrible D&D players so don't feel embarrassed. We're all just there to have fun".

In college I had someone pull me to the side and tell me I wasn't taking the tabletop sessions seriously enough (it was GURPS rather than D&D). All these years later, I'm not friends with this person (other reasons, but the point remains).

i don't play a lot of D&D but joined a few campaigns over the years. i never bothered to learn the rules. i don't care. the rules are not why i play. i let others worry about that. i'd even DM without knowing the rules. when creating a campaign the main point is a great setting and imaginative descriptions. when i need monster stats then i just look up recommended stats to suit the level of players in the group. if the monster is to weak, i fudge the rolls. likewise if it is to strong. the players won't know. the point is to create an outcome that drives the story forward and let everyone have fun.

I never had such bad D&D sessions as those at University. Group just wanted to argue over the rules.

The best D&D sessions I ever had the rules were there just as a guide, and the story would carry you away (how did we make it to sun rise again)

I was a ranger with goblins as a favored enemy and I never once got to kill one. I feel cheated.

That sounds like a failure of the DM, to be honest.

I was super privileged that my school psychologist, in response to me being bullied, suggested I join a DnD club outside of school life. So at 11 i joined a group with older kids and a grown-up, empathetic GM. Played for 7 years, and it saved me completely. And made my english much better (because NOTHING is as embarrassing as reading words from the rulebook out wrong and the older kids chuckle)

+1 for this article, I've seen the same a lot.

Having played and run D&D for 30+ years, I've found the biggest power fantasy for players is never throwing a fireball or killing a dragon.

Usually, it's just being powerful enough to save someone. To make the world better because you were there. Having a conversation that's not possible real life, and (with a good DM) getting some version of resolution.

On a lighter note, seriously, it's nice to have a conversation about life that isn't about _your_ life. Your life might suck right now, no one's fault, but it's to the point where casually talking about your life is uncomfortable for everyone. But Grogdor's life, where he just got a talking sword? Suddenly you can have small talk and social connection again without friction.

The part I don't get is where he says "Why" is an arrogant question. I think "Why" is usually the most important question. What about it is arrogant? Am I just too arrogant to see it?

It is not. Arrogance has nothing to do with curiosity. OP is going through serious trauma and anxiety. My guess is there are high chances asking questions led him to bad experiences in the past, and associated it with something bad. Asking someone to explain something is a normal and safe thing. No wonder why OP has anxiety disorders if he learnt otherwise during his childhood.

There were a couple of things that helped me write about mental health stuff:

(1) Writing it more like a journal

(2) Writing anonymously

The problem with #1 is that stuff often makes it in that is related, but off-the-cuff and poorly worded + explained. This is an example of that problem.

I'll write about this topic when it suits me, but the "why" I call arrogant here is an assumption that all suffering requires an explanation, or a reason behind. It doesn't. Sometimes things just happen.

Why is also a damaging question when you can't let it go. And I see that a lot around me. We're very small; most commonplace answers to "why" are just things that make us feel something for a moment, and have very little value outside of that.

I had a great childhood, and I've always been very curious. "Why does Mojo have a borrow-checker" is a perfectly curious why; "What does Mojo gain from using a borrow-checker" is a more pragmatic and more useful question, I think.

> My guess is there are high chances asking questions led him to bad experiences in the past, and associated it with something bad. Asking someone to explain something is a normal and safe thing. No wonder why OP has anxiety disorders if he learnt otherwise during his childhood.

A question to ask of yourselves: What was it about having "why" labelled as an arrogant question that got under your skin enough to comment? Why did you feel it was helpful to write something akin to an "armchair diagnosis" above? This kind of response contributes to me writing anonymously.

Thanks for sharing your opinion!

As a fellow dude who've been through panic attacks for 10 years and healed through a huge work from therapy and appropriate medication for the last 3+ years, and pretty sure it's now something of the past, it is very much appreciated to read your words, as I feel compassion for your story, as I do for my old self trying to find new ways to stop feeling bad.

So that may answer a little bit your last question as I'm translating your story on my own experience.

I'm sorry if I was wrong about you, I didn't mean to make you feel bad by doing so. I'm actually talking about my own experience and understanding through your story without the whole context, and I tried to make something rational in general even though I couldn't get it right. Please let me start from start first.

> suffering requires an explanation, or a reason behind. It doesn't. Sometimes things just happen.

I've been on this side but it actually helped me realizing that all suffering actually does have a reason.

We're a product of evolution and our body is way far more functional than what we can imagine. We may not be able to understand everything as our limited brain cannot compute the gigantic complexity of causes and consequences from reality. But everything is logical, including irrationality from our feelings itself.

Once I accepted that, and started exploring the tools we have for trying to understanding why we feel emotions and how we process them, after some time and work, things make a LOT more sense.

At least for me, that's when healing started to take effect, because I felt like I had control over my own existence again - and anxiety was a defensive mechanism from my brain to help me find a place where I feel safe.

For me personally, that helped because there's pretty much nothing more distressing than suffering without understanding why. And panic attacks feel something like that sometimes, right? They feel like they happen barely out of nowhere, which contributes to make them even more scaring.

It took some time for me to understand that I was entirely wrong about that. Panic attacks aren't triggered for nothing, and even though we may experience irrational feelings through them, they aren't illogical.

At first, it was also really scary for me to explore and ask why, as I feared I could "unleash" some feelings inside of me that I wasn't prepared for, but I've learned that is part of the trauma healing process.

Once I started to get answers (and it took several months of therapy before getting a single one), things got better from there.

> A damaging question when you can't let it go. And I see that a lot around me. We're very small; most commonplace answers to "why" are just things that make us feel something for a moment, and have very little value outside of that.

Aren't you minimizing the importance of feelings ? Even though they aren't permanent nor always rational, feelings need to be protected. They have a lot of value and can teach you a lot if you learn to read through them.

It's hard, and something harder for some people than the others. For me personally, my parents didn't teach me how to do that, as they have themselves no clue about how to deal with emotions. Most of people learn that skill naturally without even thinking about it, but for some people we missed the class, we don't get it and we are left behind within a society that wrecks you if you don't know how to do that.

Once I've realized I've missed some crucial lessons about emotional control, I felt like there was a chance I could get better someday.

> What was it about having "why" labelled as an arrogant question that got under your skin enough to comment? Why did you feel it was helpful to write something akin to an "armchair diagnosis" above? This kind of response contributes to me writing anonymously.

I'm more or less trying to help my old self, who was scared to understand what's happening. I was in denial, I described my childhood as good / "I can't complain" as I couldn't prevent to feel guilty to say otherwise. After few months of therapy, I finally realized that it wasn't so great at all, and actually suffered from emotional neglect. Love from parents don't teach everything we need to know. Of course being loved is great but it doesn't mean everything was right and appropriate. So once I've managed to get through the state of mind "I'm not allowed to say things weren't okay / we don't talk about things when they are bad", my healing process finally started from there.

So, when I see someone experiencing anxiety issues and expressing discomfort from "asking for explanations", I cannot help but thinking that it may be symptomatic of something else. If "why" is arrogant, maybe you can explore "when" did you start to feel that way ?

I'm not sure if my answer here is any helpful for you, as I have no idea of your story and your own way to deal with what you've been through. It's definitely not something meaning to hurt you, even though it may sound a bit provocative against your beliefs.

The only thing I know is, it would have helped my old self. My only regret was not seeking for help earlier (and the appropriate help I needed, finding a therapy that suit me took a long time). If only I could have understood earlier that I actually needed to listen to the things I didn't want to hear, including my own feelings that I didn't want to feel.

Hopefully, I hope my answer may help you, and if it doesn't, I'm sure you'll find your own way to help yourself the same way I did, one day or another. Our body is way smarter than we realize, it helped our species survive from atrocious conditions and it will help you too.

It may make you feel the worst things ever from anxiety (and you know what I mean, panic attacks are really brutal), but in the end, that's your body protecting yourself from traumatic experiences. They may feel bad but it's your nervous system doing its wonderful (and sometimes mysterious) work. Your body works perfectly even though you may feel like it's giving up on you, it's actually the opposite. Once you'll be ready, you'll be able to let your body experience the anxiety and won't need to fight the panic attack.

If you're interested in reading more about it, I'd recommend Janina Fisher's recent work about trauma, any of her book is absolutely worth reading from any trauma survivor.

Anyway, please keep writing, I know for sure that helps protecting yourself and you may help others in the process. I'm cheering for you, good luck man.

Thanks for sharing so deeply, I appreciate it. Your experience sounds really similar to mine. Your takes shared here in more detail also sound very similar to my mindset; the differences seem subtle.

This response made my day, thanks very much. And I hope you continue to do well, one day at a time :) Take good care.

Thank you, I'm doing my best ! Life isn't always easy with untypical nervous system, but it makes it more interesting and rewarding too.

I insist once again on Janina Fisher's work if you don't know it yet. I've learned a lot from there and that helped so much, probably as much as my therapist did. This book is targeted both to trauma victims and therapists, it can be a bit technical sometimes but you seem smart enough to get it. Let me know if you want a PDF link to take a look.

I wish you the best, you've got this. You're not alone. I'll keep reading your posts, they're awesome ! Take care

Ah! I think I get it now. The question you have a problem with isn't "Why?" but "Why me?", right? I still think that, even in the context of the aftermath of some disaster or trauma, it's a good idea to ask "Why?" but it has to be an open-minded, impersonal "Why?". "Why did this happen?" rather than "Why did this happen to me?"

I was told that "Why" is a judgemental question by a therapist...

When aimed at a person -- including ourselves -- "why" is a much more stressful question to explore than "what" or "how" questions.

"What on earth makes you think that?"

;)

Reading this I wished for a lot more meat. It ties itself to the Palestine/Israel conflict pretty early on. It's largely a footnote but it makes its presence felt in a narrative that didn't need it.

But then it never really makes an effort to explain the how. Something about a shadow dragon master who was attempting to live a life away from its base impulse to do evil. Ok, but give me more on how D&D specifically set up challenging situations that in the end saved your life.

I understand this is just someone's blog but I was really hoping to read something meaty here. Instead I got some vague indications of the life-saving potential of D&D without clear explanation. The writer is also a GM, so they should know how to tell a story.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com