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Comment by randycupertino | Hacker News Reader

> I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. That’s probably the ideal scenario if it turns out to be mutual.

I think meeting people in shared-activity groups is the best bet. You already know your interests align and you enjoy the same things. My old triathlon club would have like 6 weddings every year. Turns out getting to know people over 80-mile bike rides is a great way to learn about someone.

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And thars the downside of being a nerd or even a jock. As a male you don't really meet (heterosexual) romantic partners doing stuff guys traditionally like. I've been to a bunch of tech/gaming meetups and can count the number of women there on my hands. And none were single either. Probably because they dated and found someone on an online app.

Of course I still do it for general friends purposes (when you live alone and wfh as a man, you NEED to make an effort to get out just to get out of your own head), but Idk how effective advice this is for someone who wants to meet someone in a timely matter. Not everyone wants to play the long game.

Lots of tech people in the dance scene (west coast swing, lindy hop, zouk, etc.) — and lots of women too

Based on my college clubs, I can believe it. It's a shame I simply don't like dancing. Dancing and Tabletop are two things I tried for a very long time to get into for the sake of meeting friends and I simply don't like neither.

I've been told the Bay Area is the only place where there are more men than women in the social dance scene.

Tech-heavy Bay Area spinoffs like Seattle also have the same phenomenon. It's not uncommon to go to a salsa/bachata dance and then suddenly realize that one is surrounded by male software engineers.

The only real reason I can see for a tech guy to be into dance is because women are also into it.

For the same reasons as you'd juggle clubs on a unicycle and play piano - increased core body strength and flexibility improve dexterity and extend your chair sitting typing lifespan.

Also helps build strength for when you climb those 300m comms masts or enduring those crazy G turns flipping lines in low level geophysical aircraft surveying.

Making tech and gaming more inclusive for women isn’t something that just benefits women — as your comment shows it can benefit men as well.

I fully agree. It's all about meeting enough potential partners with similar interests. Shared-activities with healthy gender balance (at least for heterosexual relationships) are the best bet for most people. Many such activities also don't require long-term commitment or hanging out with same people all the time, so rejection isn't as awkward as in workplace for example.

Of all things I tried shared activities worked the best, Tinder the worst.

Yeah, gender balance is often skewed. While I'm not on the market I've noticed this with the hiking community--overall, it appears approximately balanced but most actual hikes are not. The long hikes are highly male-dominated, the short ones are rather female-dominated. I've met some women that joined specifically to look for dates--and I've never seen any of them in a group that wasn't female dominant.

Coed team sports are a great way to avoid this, since there’s necessarily a rough gender balance. Join your local ultimate frisbee summer league or whatever.

After I graduated from college, I exclusively got dates online through various websites (this was pre-tinder, so no hookup sites) because I hated approaching women at bars. This did result in some shorter-term relationships (a few years each), but nothing long-term.

I didn't meet my wife until I joined a language meetup. I met lots of friends through this group and after 5 years, I started dating my wife and we have now been married for almost 9 years.

The meetup is gone, but I'm still friends with the core members of the group (we are all married now. I think there are 5 couples that met their spouses from the group) and we meet on a monthly basis.

Shared-activity groups are the best thing outside of college because you are more likely to meet someone compatible due to your interests.

There is something about doing physical activity with others, that make others more likely to open up as well, so you can have a bit deeper conversations. Maybe it's related to the dopamine you release or something.

If you want to meet people socially and possibly develop more intimate/romantic relationships with them, you need to join clubs or groups or go to events where that is the objective, i.e. social clubs, not sports or gaming clubs or other activites that tend to be predominantly single-gender.

These people aren't talking about sports that require skill. They just mean physical activity anyone can do, like hiking.

The actual meaning of the advice is to find a physical activity you can tolerate in order to find a mate who isn't fat. It is a way to make their completely reasonable and relatable position on fat people seem like something noble. "My mate and I enjoy hiking. It is our shared interest." The reason I know what I'm saying is true is because every time this discussion comes up, people peddle the shared interest bullshit and inevitably bring up 'physical activity.' And sorry for getting a hair up my ass about it, I just find it crazy when people can't just say what they mean: If you are an average man who prefers a woman with a nice body and you dislike or are unsuccessful on dating apps, try going to a group activity that will filter out fat chicks. The end. Nothing pretending this is anything but another attempt at finding a mate.

You're getting hung up on "fat" here as if it's purely an aesthetic preference

Physical activity filters for people who actually care about themselves. If you can't be bothered to look after your body, then you're likely not going to be any good at looking after your relationship, your family, raising children etc.

That is such a good way of putting it and I agree wholeheartedly. The body and mind are like the absolute foundation that you build other things on top of. If your mind and body are not sound, then what chance do the other things have?

I kind of disagree with this connection that fat women == not going to be any good at relationship and family and children. In my experience fatness has no correlation with their ability to raise kids or their attentiveness in a relationship (just go to an average parent meeting at an average school). Often times it’s actually the opposite because they can be more understanding as you both get old and unattractive together, or are more likely to work harder at it because they know they’re at a disadvantage for their fatness.

Of course I also know plenty of guys who cheat on their wife as she gets older and less hot (the classic “he gets older but all his dates are the same age”), and theres a danger for thin women who are filtered for their physical traits like this.

This is cliched advice that I am slowly beginning to hate. I honestly can't imagine many things more pathetic than a couple going on a jog together. I'm dead serious. If you have a "shared interest" let it be something interesting. Bomb an NRA chapter or an abortion clinic. Yes, I'm a bit of a romantic.

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