This is very interesting desire to me.. Wont you end up with a weird, contrived context for everything else you do read though? Like you would be reading an article about the UN and it would say: "and then, some country put forward a new resolution." Wouldn't that, like, kinda drive you crazy?
Like I know the state of journalism is less than stellar, but patching it after the fact for each reader seems like the wrong direction. The implicit conception of "the news" in this desire reifies it into a weird kind of commodity for your personal entertainment/edification; which is precisely the conception operating today which makes it so bad!
Like, maybe, if you have psychological considerations where certain triggers are very damaging, I can kinda understand this. But if that is really the case, then just why read the news anyway? Of course you gotta read some sometimes, but in general you can read other things. There is a lifetime and a half of fiction and nonfiction to read, no GPU required!