It's Me, the Person Putting Drugs in the Halloween Candy (2022)

To provide some balance to this article. Two weeks ago my wife took our kid to another child’s birthday party. The family had rented a bounce house so they invited neighbors and their kids over to have fun as well. Food was done as a potluck. One neighbor decided to bring a crock of THC infused chili to this kids party and decided not to tell anyone. My wife and about 8 others were dosed without their knowledge when they ate the chili. Luckily none of the kids at the party had any. This did impact us as my wife was breastfeeding our newborn and had to stop for a while in order to prevent any thing from passing to the baby. So, of course this article is satire and no one is maliciously sticking fentanyl in candy. However, people can do strange things for strange reasons. My wife had a large enough helping of chili that she felt the effects into the next day.

The need to tell people about "this thing happened" is strangely disconnected from reality and more grounded in an emotional rating of "how much do I want to tell people this fact".

> How does this work, you might ask? How does one “inject marijuana”?

Of course this is satire, but the idea of injecting cannabutter into a premade candy bar to create a weird ad hoc edible is pretty funny.

Alright, I'll come clean too. I'm the person who fills airplane tanks with the mysterious chemtrail chemicals. A passion project, if you will. While most people are settling into a weekend binge-watching session or a leisurely brunch, I head off to undisclosed airfields. There, in the broad-dayling—because honestly, who even notices—I load up barrels full of vaccines and connect them to the exhaust systems of commercial jets. Cute that you thought they were just contrails, really.

Why do this, you wonder? What's the motivation behind converting passenger jets into giant flying syringes? Trust me, it's not for monetary gain. The vaccines aren't cheap, and pilots are increasingly hard to bribe with just cookies and backstage passes to conspiracy theory conventions. No, it's simpler than that: it's about public health, disguised as a hobby. Some people build ships in bottles; I build herd immunity one contrail at a time.

People do murder each other's children from time to time. This does happen.

If you want to murder someone's children, and those children are known for taking all the candy in a "take 1" honor-system bowl, then poisoning candy might be a means to your end.

I expect the odds of being poisoned on Halloween are less than 1/1000 the odds of being run over by a car.

Watch for cars and maybe hang glow sticks on your kids, or give the a flashlight, or use reflective tape or something.

I bet this is the same guy who draws markings on the pavement to tell dognappers where to strike!

Ending is the best:

I’m thinking about putting the COVID vaccine in Halloween candy too.