Ask HN: What do you regret doing or not doing in your 30s?
Following a healthy routine and having a good work life balance are probably the obvious. Would like to learn from your experience.
Regret not prioritizing investing more, especially into a 401k (worked a lot of small jobs and startups that didn't offer them, and didn't do a whole lot on my own). Doing a much better job now, but I probably should have at least 300-400k more in a 401k than I do, for my age and profession (software engineer).
Regret not having kids then (still don't have kids, might be a couple of years still before my partner feels ready). It wasn't too much of a focus then but now I'm starting to feel a little too old yet still really want to have them.
Regret not jumping on more opportunities that I had back then. I have a bad habit of letting things slip until enough time passes that it's embarrassing to follow up on them (did it again for another possible opportunity earlier this year, trying to get myself to reach out but I've let several months pass and I really shouldn't have).
Regret not traveling overseas at all. Now it's so expensive and requires a lot of juggling of PTO, my partner's PTO, making sure the dogs are taken care of, etc. Most we can usually manage are weeklong trips, and that's not really worth it to go overseas. Hopefully someday.
But whatever. I'd be a different person today if I did all that, and no guarantee I'd be better or happier. Probably some other things I'd be regretting instead, and still feeling about the same I imagine.
Also in my case, I was told I needed 3 crowns after my fillings popped out a couple times right when I was between jobs and had no insurance, and was told I'd need to spend $2500 each on them, which I didn't have $7500 at the time, so I ended up letting them rot to the point they had to be yanked, which led to me needing to get 2 bridges (which was even more expensive, but at least I had a job to pay for it then) which stripped 4 more teeth of their enamel to attach the bridges, which led to complications in keeping the anchor teeth and gums clean over time, which led to them needing root canals, which led to one of the root canaled teeth cracking and no longer sticking out of my gums enough to serve as an anchor for a bridge, which means I am now saving up the $10k+ to get two implants on that side of my face and get another new bridge made to put on those, and my other bridge I just had to get a root canal for an anchor tooth through my other bridge, and that's only supposed to buy me about another 5 years at most, so I'll need implants for those eventually as well, and I'm sure I'm in for more crap in the future, etc.
If I knew this was the path I was going down by not getting crowns I would have tried harder to find more options, either find a dentist that charged less for crowns (I just assumed that's how much crowns cost, but I've seen as little as $300 elsewhere since then), or asked my parents for help in paying for them and paid them over time, etc.
- Ask HN: What do you wish you had known before you turned 40? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9092246
- Ask HN: What do you wish you had done/known in your 30s? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30782994
- Ask HN: What's your best advice for someone turning 30 today? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26068320
- Ask HN: How would you wish you had invested your money if you were 30 again? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13179385
- Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33118584
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Do you have any material that would help ?
Throwing away my marriage is the worst decision I ever made. Never give up.
- Practiced better financial behaviors. I'm nearly 40 and have a negative net worth (lots of debt, no assets, no retirement, only part-time employment). I really need to sort that out instead of wasting time on HN, lol
- Learned to mountain bike/kayak/climb/ski/do martial arts sooner (lots of fun, but my old body struggles and all the joints ache). I still do all those things, just at a lesser intensity. I wish I started much younger.
- Taken better care of my teeth and listened to my dentist's advice more thoroughly (ouch!)
- Put more energy into side passions outside of work. Had a tendency to float around between hobbies, without much devotion/commitment, so never really developed any of them meaningfully
What I am really GLAD I did:
- Learned to be happy while single (super important!)
- Moved around a bunch, both geographically and between jobs. Learned a lot along the way and met all sorts of interesting people and went to a lot of awesome places. Not exactly digital nomading, just uprooting every few years.
- Tried out a lot of different events / subcultures, from dance to martial arts to board games to dev meetups to sports groups to music concerts etc. Good way to learn what kind of activities and people I actually enjoy.
- Met many people, friends and dates both, but treated them all with respect and formed lasting relationships
- Maintained a relatively OK exercise & diet pattern (not great, not terrible). Slightly overweight with some minor chronic health issues but nothing major yet, thankfully
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Overall, I think the most valuable lesson for myself has been "It's OK to fuck up, as long as you learn from it... eventually. Sometimes it takes two or three tries, but just keep trying to do it better than last time. You'll get there... someday." I'm not necessarily a more effective person than I was in my 20s, but I'm an infinitely happier one now.
If you could go back in time, visit your younger self, and give 100% accurate advice, would your younger self take heed of that advice?
And, if your younger self did, would that result in a better life than you had? In other words, if we could avoid the large mistakes we make on our path, would that improve our lives in the longer term, or is making those mistakes a critical part of shaping us so we can have a better life in the longer term?
My more direct answer to the OP question: the only things I really regret are those where I've unduly harmed others.
You can’t change the past so why even waste time thinking about it. You have control over today and tomorrow if you’re lucky. If things don’t work out tomorrow, retro the day after and try again.
Being healthy and having goals keep me busy. Seeing life as a journey (destination death lol) is hugely helpful to me. I say this as someone who used to mope on regrets and comparing myself to others in the past.
So I'm now having to both get things fixed that could have been prevented with the right information, and learn proper dental hygiene decades after everyone else was taught about it.
Other minor regrets are:
- Not diversifying the things I work on, and coasting on existing success. This caused severe burnout, and likely led to my YouTube channel's collapse due to the topics I was focused on going out of fashion.
- Accidentally driving away a friend who I was close to for years due to social awkwardness.
- Not using the free time made available by pandemic for things that matter. I see lots of stories about how people finished the project of their dreams during Covid, and feel like I wasted my time by comparison.
I regret not getting a therapist earlier. It helped me a lot. I enjoy so many things right now, my life is fuller.
I went to therapy because my mother passed away and I had depression. She was everything to me. Luckily my wife supported me so much in my those dark years. It took me around 4 years to realize I needed help.
It took me an year of therapy to start seeing the light again, and since then my therapist has been helping me in so many ways.
I'm now more mature, can handle with really difficult situations and became more lighthearted and finally happy and satisfied with my life. If I only had one therapist in my teens...
Why?