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Exactly, I want a pair of functional jeans, not too skinny, not stupid flared with handy pockets for phone, keys, wallet

I do not want to go rummaging on niche shops or to buy online and have the faff of returning things that don't fit

Clearly you don't actually exist, or you're lying to yourself about your preferences /s

?

The rest of the thread is basically assuming that people like you don't exist. It was sarcasm (thus the /s).