It's mad, no? When I ask people point blank why they're getting married, they just stare at me. Obviously part of that is because I'm being autistically rude in asking such a questions, but I haven't heard any compelling answers either.
Most people are aware of such things and can't quite figure how to explain it to someone who isn't, or can't figure out Google. Hence the stare.
I won't go through each nonsense reason in turn, but this one is pertinent:
> Accountability and Conflict Resolution > > Resolution Mechanisms: Marriage often compels couples to work out their differences and disputes in a more committed manner, as there is more at stake.
The opposite is true. People take marriage as a binary thing, and over-react to "last straw" situations. They get divorced, and that's the end. People in committed relationships work things out, because there's a whole lot of grey.
I've been in a relationship longer than most married couples I know, and I'm still seeing divorces every day at my kids school.
>> Literally everything is not unique to marriage, or made _worse_ by marriage.
The words "literally" and"everything" have real meanings. Maybe go through "literally everything". The first two on the list, for example, and consider many different jurisdictions.
The cherry picked example is even wrong. In many jurisdictions couples are legally compelled to go to marriage counseling or similar. Australia has it for couples with kids, several US states have it. So there are all the regular reasons to try to resolve things, plus added reasons.
The anecdote is nothing more than that. No one is claiming marriage is a cure all for all relationships. No one is claiming only marriages are durable relationships. But the idea that there is no practical reason to get married is absurd. Just making a loud, expensive, public announcement that "I'll do x" is known to make it more likely that you'll do x.
They do indeed, and I used them correctly :)
> In many jurisdictions couples are legally compelled to go to marriage counseling or similar. Australia has it for couples with kids
That's pretty messed up. Really? If you have kids, you are legally required to get married in Australia? I couldn't find anything about that, and I find it difficult to believe.
> The anecdote is nothing more than that
K, but I still don't see marriage working in my immediate circle, nor wider society. I don't need a scientific study to draw conclusions from that.
But I'll bite - if you decide to settle down with a partner you match with very well on tons of actually important stuff, including how your future together could look like while lacking any significant (yet known) drawbacks, and you want to raise kid(s) together, then the question is why not. Without the kids part, less reasons but why not.
The inexperienced people (in my case immature kids/teens, I've answered similar but better formed question couple of times already) think its just a paper signed, and contractual obligations stemming from it. Far from it, at least for us. It changed our relationship, for the better, made it stronger and not only due to longer cancellation procedure. Do I have some peer-reviewed study for that? Of course not, just my personal 2 cents.
The reasons I extracted for why someone would want to choose marriage.
* "Why not"
* Changes the relationship for the better
* The relationship has longer cancellation procedure.
But to each their own.
I can come up with a few very good reasons why not, but the question was why.
You mention that after you decided "why not", and got married, you in fact saw your relationship get "stronger and not only due to longer cancellation procedure". I'm happy it's working out for you, but would suggest it's not because you got married.
If you make it through the difficult confrontations your relationship gains robustness and is better for your offspring.
I have no data, but I'd bet there are more 40 year olds in relationships of over 20 years than there are married people.
Marriage turns dysfunctional dynamics from small time private affairs into society mediated wars of attrition.
It stops nothing and magnifies the damage and misery one party can inflict on another in worst case scenarios.
A typical Silicon Valley contested divorce costs $250-450k, and 5-10 years before it concludes last I checked.
The problem with American relationships is that it deals with two people.
A marriage is the full joining of two full families. By marrying my wife, I made my uncle related to my wife's uncle, so they better kind of get along. Indeed I have a vested interest in them getting along because it benefits my children.
A wedding provides a formal and socially acceptable way for these sorts of interactions to occur. If I just moved in with my wife... What are the chances her distant cousins would meet mine? Zero, I imagine. A wedding brings them together and benefits everyone.
But most Americans don't really have extended families so I see why weddings seem strange.
I hadn't thought of the extended family benefit, and that's maybe a good one. Though I will say from all I can tell, our families have had the same level of mingling that they would have had we got married. Could be wrong though.
But yes, many western cultures don't really have close extended families, so even this point is mostly null.
I have an inkling as to why people get married in the west, but I don't want to be set on fire here ;)
But maybe if marriage were more prevalent culturally, they would have?
> But yes, many western cultures don't really have close extended families, so even this point is mostly null.
Western culture is also rife with divorce, which creates a culture in which extended family doesn't actually want to meet, since divorce is like 50/50. Of course, in subcultures in America, like Mormons, certain Asian cultures, traditional Catholics, Orthodox Jews, Amish, etc, there is quite a bit of extended family, and these cultures heavily discourage divorce.
So it's pretty hard to detangle causation and correlation? Does extended family prevent divorce? or do intact nuclear families cause extended families? Or is it a feedback loop, that reinforces another? In that case, what is the most prudent action any individual can take to put the process in the right direction?
People commit immoral acts in all cultures.