That's a tragic story regardless of the medical hope. I don't think I would want to trade that level of discomfort for a little more time with my partner, but I couldn't say for sure.
He was great until blood clots caused more issues like taking morphine to calm smooth muscle to help him breathe. Morphine just that tiny pill caused terrible constipation (opioids are terrible).
My point being Dad would take anything just to feel even slightly better it meant he was still here. Death is terrifying and as long as you can limp along whatever makes it better is something people want. Really at that point you try to get to a point where you may just die in your sleep not knowing you did.
Dad considered it but as a Catholic and just as a choice by anyone it was even more terrifying than just a natural death. You have to make the active choice and I think that is what scared him. Plus at the time I wasn't really seeing the anxiety he had he was good at masking it.
He died in palliative care with assistance for any pain which was more mental than physical.
Why would you say something like this, especially given your dad's situation? yes they can cause constipation, but without opioids the pain would be much, much worse. To me it's a no-brainer, and nobody is forcing you to take opioids if you would rather the pain. I think opioids are a wonderful gift of nature to us and I'm immensely glad we have them. It terrifies me to think that we are so demonizing them now that they are withholding them from people who need them, and telling them to "take extra stength tylenol" instead. It's barbaric and cruel.
>Morphine just that tiny pill caused terrible constipation (opioids are terrible)
Because of that, I would rather trade those moments of watching me die in the most agonizing, painful way imaginable, for the better memories - the times before I got sick.
I watched my grandmother die, of cancer - there is nothing, literally nothing - that would allow me to put someone else thru that - at least not without their full consent, and making sure they knew of what was to come.
Then there's the problem that some have a few of the people closest to them in one camp, fully accepting, and some in the other camp, which can be terrible (I've seen it especially with people I know where it's their parent who was dying, with different siblings going either way).
That’s the thing. You might read “drug extends median overall survival by 3 months”.
Big deal right?
Well that’s the median. In reality it looks more like:
- 5% see a complete response (cure)
- 40% see a partial response
- 55% see no response
And of those 40% who see a partial response the median is 3 months but the range is 1 to 29 months.
So now do you do it? 1 in 20 chance of a cure and 1 in 20 chance of two more years of life and a 1 in 10 chance of 1 more year of life.
Who cares, you're dead.
I guess I would try to figure out, based on the people around me, how I could make them happiest long term (which I think is the same thing you're saying)
Yes it's difficult to support someone in their last days, and it's never pretty, but it's not their fault. It also didn't make forget all the other years I had with my grandpa.
The end doesn't have to make you forget the rest.
Just my experience and I don't discount that that same experience could have been traumatizing for someone else.