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Comment by conductr | Hacker News Reader

> they feel themselves on a kind of righteous moral crusade

They see a lot of bad stuff which causes them to have a difficult time admitting that sometimes bad stuff just happens on it's own

Reminds me of the police/detectives that "just know he did it" because they don't understand that people grieve differently. I really empathize with the people that don't have a meltdown and cry when they hear some horrific news. I don't think I would either in many cases. I'd want the cops to do their job and go find the perp so I'd talk to them in a calm and concise manner telling them what I knew; even though that's likely highly suspicious behavior.

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That actually happened to me, not with the police though, but with social workers. I explained the situation in a very calm, concise, and perhaps emotionally detached manner because this is just my personality. They wrote in their report that they found it strange that "I almost did not cry during the interview", which they said was the main reason they would recommend to put David in foster care. The guilt of knowing that I, with my personality, was responsible for losing his care, was devastating.

I also found this argument absurd: I was suspected of losing my temper on my child, and it's my calmness that was interpreted as a sign of danger!

It reminds me the Robert Roberson Texas death penalty case that John Grisham recently wrote about [1]: "He told hospital staff that she had fallen out of bed, but they didn’t believe him. They didn’t know he was autistic and decided he didn’t show the proper emotions given the dire situation."

[1] https://www.wsj.com/articles/texas-may-execute-a-man-based-o...

It's especially bizarre because even apart from things like autism, even for more neurotypical people disassociation (which as I understand in mild forms can appear as emotional detachment which could come off as being calm) is a well known symptom of acute stress responses (i.e. psychological shock). As unreproducible as a lot of psychology is, putting any merit in 'they didn't respond how I think they "should" have' seems like just utterly extraordinary nonsense...

I’m rather neurotypical but I worked in high trauma environments during my college years; ER, OR, ICU, various life and death situations on daily basis in a healthcare environment. I pretty much saw it all.

That was 20+ years ago, my career was not there so I left clinical work but the ability to function during high stress and deal with the present mentally stuck with me. I also could mostly leave it at the door and it didn’t weigh on me outside work (I think most healthcare workers can do this, it all just becomes normal.

Since then, I’m the one that springs into action instead of paralyzed by shock/surprise. Saved someone choking in a restaurant, pulled a pregnant woman from a burning car after an accident, just a few weeks ago someone had a stroke at a park and I had to figure out best way to help - all these had many other bystanders just watching it happen and they all just were frozen until I came over and took charge barking order about call an ambulance or telling them exactly how to help. I’ve also learned that when something really bad happens in my life, like bad diagnoses/death of loved ones, my immediate response is to help and support what ever immediate actions are needed, talk about what needs to be done, help others experiencing immediate and usually uncontrollable grief. My grief usually starts a day or two later once all the immediate concerns are addressed.

When I was young my youngest brother walked across a large firepit barefoot (no one realized it was still hot, the neighbor had been burning wood and the like outside).

He experienced 3rd degree burns on his feet and my mother rushed him to the hospital. My stepfather at the time was basically freaking out, my mother was very calm. After it was over the thing she told us is that panicking in an emergency helps no one.

It's a lesson I've kept with me my entire life. Most of the time, for me to truly process things, I need to be alone. I have no doubt I would come across as detached and not caring if something tramautic were to happen to me.

OTOH, I had to put a pet down once and I was crying like a baby so maybe not. I've never been in a situation where I haven't had time to process before really speaking about it to others so I really am not sure what my response would be.

> I had to put a pet down once and I was crying like a baby so maybe not

I relate with much of your comment but this was something I actually considered writing before. The most drastic emotional response I've ever experienced was putting a pet down. I knew it was the right choice, planned it out, to be done at home in the back yard, his favorite place and final resting place, and even made time for one last outing to his favorite lake a little while before.

But with all the planning and forethought, it's like I started grieving before the event happened. So when it did happen, I just cried and cried. Like, sobbing on the floor for an hour type thing. Also, the fact he was mentally still 100% but his body was failing made it a wrenching decision that I was questioning even though I felt like it was the humane choice.

I was really in a funk for about a year after. The first couple months, I'd just randomly cry as some old memory would pop in my head. I was really close to this dog though, was like a child to me and it hit really hard. I got him in my early 20s, then later married but hadn't had kids yet. For some reason, the saddest thought in my head was "he'll never get to meet my kids". I've had 2 dogs since, that have been more like pets than children and I have real children too which changes the dynamic entirely.

For me it was unexpected, through a series of very unfortunate events my inside cat got into my neighbors yard and the dog attacked it.

I took her to emergency surgery, spent about $2k until the vet basically told me there was no point. They put me in a room, wrapped her in a towel, and brought her in for me to spend time with before we put her to sleep. I just remember after they put her in my arms she looked up at me and started purring and I couldn't have stopped the tears if I had wanted to. I'm not a fan of anthropomorphizing animals, but I like to think she felt safe in that last moment.

Even just thinking about it now gets me upset. What makes it worse is that the actions of my neighbor contributed to her death. I had to chalk it up to stupidity, the alternative would be an impotent rage that would do none of us any good.

That was probably 8 years ago, and even now if I talk much about her my girlfriend will start crying. They're just pets, and yet...

Thanks for sharing. I too get teary-eyed thinking too much about it too much, but find as time passes it's much more filled with happy thoughts as you remember back on your time together. Nothing too additive to say but just wanted to acknowledge and voice respect for sharing in your experience, it's crazy how deep those relationships can be. I actually do believe they're pretty damn smart and that final eye gaze had a lot of love embedded. I have same, and it felt like he was saying "it's time, I'm ready" which is probably in my mind but that's the reality I choose for myself lol

Sounds a lot like the terrible case of Lindy Chamberlain "A Dingo Ate My Baby" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quC4cbpJeaU

It gets really obvious when this becomes not just a matter of personal experience but culture. Had the fortune to watch the news about an airplane crash without survivors on a TV channel in Asia. They had a video of grieving relatives from Western Europe who looked utterly gutted and in pain. But since they werent crying and screaming the news anchor had to explain that this was cultural differences.

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