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Comment by beretguy | Hacker News Reader

> My mom was homeless for years

> I wasn't financially able to help her much but managed to buy her a "clunker" of a car which she later slept in before getting housing

Ah… So… If you had a place to live couldn’t you let her live in that same place too, instead of her being homeless?

My parents lost their jobs due to covid, and even though they treated me bad when I was a kid I still let them in my house. How can you let your parents be homeless like that? Is this an American thing? (I’m originally from Europe but live in US for over a decade).

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I live on the West coast, my Mom lives back East. I can't add another tenant in my apartment and even if I could, my Mom didn't want to upend "her life" to move to a place she has no history, roots, or connections.

She wanted to be near her sisters, of whom she wouldn't accept any help. She is proud and maybe too proud in that regard that she'd rather suffer in silence and not let anyone know. I helped pay her bills for a decade before she became homeless, at that time nobody else, my brothers for instance, offered her any assistance.

Additionally she wouldn't tell family about her situation and wouldn't allow me to. A few years ago I broke down on a phone call with her sister (my aunt) and explained everything. My mom didn't talk to me for a while as a result, saying her situation "wasn't anyone else's business!". But my aunt said she'd help, she said "I could give her $500, but that's all". I had been giving her $500+ per month for years by this point.

There are other complexities that were involved. But I understand your point.

Hey, I apologies. I didn’t mean to come off rude. I was naive with my understanding of the situation. I agree, life, people, pride, emotions, etc. - it’s all complicated. I wish things will get better for y’all.

It's one thing to be curious as to why they couldn't have housed their mother, but it's possible to ask with empathy and compassion rather than assumptions and judgment.

If you’re renting an apartment, you would likely need permission from the landlord to add a new tenant, or possibly risk having the lease terminated and both ending up homeless. Additionally, if you’re renting with roommates, just bring someone another person in may not be an option.

Don’t you think if having their mother move in with them was a possibility, they’d have done it?

OP may not live alone- you are making a lot of assumptions.

Maybe their mother was a proud woman who didn't want to impose/intrude more than she already was.

Their mother may live in another state, in which she is more comfortable.

Rather than reprimanding OP, try having some empathy.

If not for OP then for their mother. No one should have to be homeless, it's a special kind of hell. I speak from personal experience.

>Maybe their mother was a proud woman who didn't want to impose/intrude more than she already was.

And sometimes it's impossible to convince people that it really is less of a burden. My grandmother is that type of woman and it can be very frustrating to balance.

You are just taking OPs situation and putting your loved ones into it, that is not empathy. Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, and more so when drugs, lack of resources, or abuse is involved(that is just a few examples, and often the situation has many points of strain).

Most of the time, but not all the time. If you're an only child and your grandparents are dead, your parents are dead, and they too didn't have any brothers or sisters, or they were on bad terms with them, then you've probably got no social net whatsoever. And some people are orphans. People with large families don't often realise how difficult life can be for people with small families or no family.

I should have added in my example that I was talking about a breakdown in relationships or ability to help between 2 living family members. Of course orphans or people with no living family is very difficult situation.

We don't know the circumstances of the OP. Maybe he's been living out of hostels and saving to get his mother a car.

> Ah… So… If you had a place to live couldn’t you let her live in that same place too, instead of her being homeless? ... Is this an American thing? (I’m originally from Europe but live in US for over a decade).

Yes. In the US, only some people are able to take a relative into their home. I housed a sibling when I could. I have another expecting homeless and now I can't.

It's odd you were never exposed to this reality when you were in the US.

Is this truly something that doesn't exist in the EU? Is it possible you are missing reality again?

Maybe she's 3000km away? Maybe he doesn't have the resources to host her?

Thanks for bringing this up. I was reading the GP open-mouthed, not sure how to process it. No, Americans don't generally let their parents sleep in the street. Maybe that's changing though?

You're assuming he has a house. Apartments, especially ones with roommates don't just let you bring in extra people.

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