The Matching Problem in Dating

Yeah, citation needed. I see this everywhere online, often used as a rhetorical device to blame toxic dating culture on irrational female behavior vs reasonable men willing to settle. But I don't think this claim even shakes out in the surveys. I remember having this conversation with a friend, and IIRC we found an okcupid study showing that both genders are generally hypergamous. Dating app dynamics make it so men act slightly less hypergamously than women, but both men and women ultimately try to date up and shoot for the top 20% if they can. People don't want to settle. Anecdotal data point: me - as a man, I still definitely have standards.

Edit: yeah in fact okcupid found basically the opposite to be true https://archive.ph/2017.01.21-154729/https://blog.okcupid.co... "As you can see from the gray line, women rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. Very harsh. On the other hand, when it comes to actual messaging, women shift their expectations only just slightly ahead of the curve, which is a healthier pattern than guys’ pursuing the all-but-unattainable."

The reason I characterize the article as "doomy" is because it implies some very terrible things will happen as a result:

> "A society with too many isolated men and no war to send them to is a scary situation. [...] they will decay your country from the inside."

Far be it from me to suggest that endemic loneliness and population decline are positive developments, but... will society really decay from the inside-out as a direct result? I'll cop to being one of those men which the article characterizes as having "given up" -- a sub-yearly sex haver, a porn watcher, and an enjoyer of the video games -- but I'm no closer to blighting civilized society because of it.

Cards on the table, that's probably thanks to various tailwinds in my own personal life: a fulfilling job, a good paycheck, and a modest yet supportive network of friends and family whom I love dearly. There're plenty of guys (and girls) out there with none of those things and no sex life to top it off. Life sucks for them in general and that is probably the stronger (and more actionable!) source of this malaise creeping over general society which many of us are feeling.

Yes it does. They just won't admit to it in person because it is objectively so shallow and superficial.

- Social media platforms, such as Instagram and TikTok, have significantly influenced dating expectations. They have set high standards that women often use to choose their partners. A few years ago, Instagram was the primary influencer, but now it’s TikTok. This influence ranges from physical appearance, where men on TikTok even went to the extent of breaking their jaws to achieve a certain look, demonstrating the power of peer pressure, to lifestyle expectations, for instance, college girls often expect their potential partners to regularly take them out for dinner and parties. Working women might expect men to earn a substantial income, around 300k or 500k a year, and also provide travel, gifts, etc. (all of these have videos of women demanding them you can look then up), There’s also an expectation for men to conform to a woman’s lifestyle and mentality. If he doesn't, she can easily find another partner on a whim. Therefore, as a man, you are expected to have a good job, earn a substantial income, own a car, a house, maintain good looks and fitness, be outgoing, mentally healthy, and cover expenses such as dinners and shopping. On the other hand, a woman is often just expected to be slightly above average looking.

- Dating apps have significantly altered the landscape of dating, often hindering the potential for forming long-term relationships or settling down. These apps are designed with algorithms that encourage continuous usage and even persuade users to purchase premium services. For women, it often becomes akin to window shopping, creating an illusion of choice, the more options there are, the harder it becomes to make a choice. Many users (mostly women) tend to judge someone’s entire personality based on poorly taken photos or inadequately written descriptions. A recent study found that many users are not actually on these platforms for dating (1). Women often seek male validation and attention, or even meet in real life for temporary gains like free dinners or smoking weed. Men, on the other hand, use these platforms as a means to show off their ‘matches’ like a trophies. The dating scene has become fundamentally corrupted at this point. Even if two individuals connect, they often find it easier to break up and look for other options since there are ‘plenty of fish in the sea’. They become addicted to the cycle of finding and trying new matches rather than focusing on settling down. The only entity that benefits from this situation is the business model of the dating app. It’s important to note that many of these dating apps are owned by a single company or a few companies.

- Women having the dominant choice in this "game": In many cultures where pre-arranged marriages are still prevalent, the dating scene tends to be less stressful and more robust, often leading to long-term relationships or marriages. For instance, Japan has returned to this practice due to the complexities of modern dating (2). In these pre-arranged setups, parents filter potential partners before introducing them to their offspring. This is a significant step because if you give the choice directly to a young person (or even an older one with a lack of experience), they are likely to make poor decisions. Their choices will be heavily influenced by certain ‘checklists’ that align with fantasies in their minds, such as looks that resemble a celebrity, an accent, someone look like a person from a TV show they like, or other superficial attributes that often result in so-called hypergamy. Dating apps amplify this issue as judgments are mostly based on short descriptions or a few pictures. These apps are designed more for sexual interactions rather than finding the most compatible partners - a strategy to keep them in business. Consequently, women have evolved to fit into the social status quo. Women, being more vulnerable to threats such as murder and rape, have learned to adapt quickly to social norms for survival in a natural setting. However, this becomes problematic when society adopts self-destructive norms. Women often reinforce these self-destructive norms for the safety of their own genetics, leading to a cycle where self-destructive norms breed more of the same. Dating apps have become the most common way to meet other people, especially given the anti-social tendencies of millennials and Gen Z. It has also become the norm and status quo, including behaviors like swiping right/left. As a result, women’s evolutionary instincts drive them to reinforce the status quo no matter what. In a hypothetical scenario where some tyrants change the current status quo for dating overnight, you will find that women will support it.

- In dating, women often control sexual interactions while men control relationships. These apps are primarily about sexual interactions, making the dating pool unbalanced and women are the dominant side. This dominance exists even without the algorithm that further manipulates the scene, where women usually have unlimited swipes and even cheaper premium plans compared to men. A clear example of women controlling sex is that any woman can download any of these apps at any given time and find someone to hook up with within 30 minutes. There are even screenshots of profiles where women mention they are in a certain city ‘only for the weekend’, showing how easy it is to arrange a quick hookup for a woman. Men, on the other hand, if they wanted to have sex right now for whatever reason, it won’t happen - unless they live in a country where prostitution is legalized. Otherwise, they end up sexually frustrated and exploited by these apps even more. This leads to the ‘player’ culture, where men manipulate women’s emotions to access what they can’t control - sex, and later leave them because they do control the relationship. The woman is then left with an emotional scar while looking for the next match, filled with judgment and trust issues, making the matching process even worse for the next ones, that's why dating scene wasn't that bad say in 2015, it is far worse now, the effects are exponential that a lot of youg men are now actually single, while women are not (3).

The solution: it's simple, going back to basics. Parents should take responsibility for finding a suitable potential partner for their son or daughter. It’s highly unlikely that a father would reject a potential guy because he’s not 6’ tall or doesn’t have a ‘porn stash’. They would likely look into deeper attributes

(1) https://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2023/07/06/satisfaction-with-...

(2) https://www.cnn.com/2023/09/02/asia/japan-speed-dating-paren...

(3) https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3868557-most-yo...

Pretty bold, and false, statement