On writing (or not)
bessstillman.substack.com
bessstillman.substack.com
Whether you have ten thousand words or a million inside you go for it and either upload it as a free eBook if you think its good enough to one of the many sites or just leave it for your kids or grandkids to find and have something nice to pass on through history.
Never start writing thinking about the money side, there are thousands of books out there which have never sold one book, you may get lucky, but without investing the same amount of time in marketing you will never get anyone to even open it, so do it but do it for fun.
My first novel was fun to write, I released it on Kindle and never told anyone, for the first three months I was so happy just to see it there, just like a proper book, even though I bought the only copy. I am now half a million words into my second novel and still loving it.
I may have not made a penny from sales but I have a much broader vocabulary and have saved at least two hundred dollars by not having as much time to read anymore.
There was at least a year long period in which my thoughts darted and weaved wildly, with every mix of emotion, all at once.
“I need to finish this bug fix. But first I should get some coffee. That coffee in the hospital was so warm and comforting, in that styrofoam cup. Just what I needed in the waiting room… which is when the doctor told me her prognosis.
“Six months, he said. F*k. How can I do this? I need lots of coffee. But coffee is reminding me of bad things. How will I ever drink coffee again? Would be a shame to never drink coffee, though… it’s a big industry after all. Wonder what it looks Like to pick coffee beans? Bet it would be nice to just be picking coffee beans without any other care. But I have my own job to do… that bug fix. I’ll do that instead.”
Random thoughts of work, grief, jokes, and childlike daydreaming, all running together. All day. Every day.
The author of this captured this feeling insanely well, whether that was intended or not.
I can also relate in the sense that, that period of my life was perhaps one of the more intense periods of self improvement and introspection I’ve had.
Something about having so many thoughts, and needing to channel them to something positive to overcome the blatant and glaring negative, led to growth as a software developer, in some cruel way.
That aside, the rest of the piece is timely and relevant for me now.
I feel like there’s so much I can relate to regarding “resistance” and self doubt. Of casting aside bad criticisms from incapable critics as the author described from her MFA experience.
My heart is with the author through all of this. I hope to follow more of her work.
So out of existential need, I intentionally starting taking on large, creative projects at work that I knew would hold my interest and consume my thoughts. In some cases, this meant undertaking projects of my own volition and "asking for forgiveness rather than permission" at work.
In part because of a couple of articles I read on the scientifically shown improvement of outcomes of cancer patients with positive attitudes, and because I knew my mom already had several negative voices around her daily, I decided my role with her would be relentlessly positive.
An attitude of "we don't know the future, all things are possible, and anything can be overcome with the right set of inputs -- we just need to find what those are". I quickly adopted this attitude for myself, and it allowed me to embrace failure more - because the attitude wasn't predicated on being the best, but rather of overcoming.
Granted, this was all about 6 years ago. Since then, much has changed, and I do find myself facing similar issues again. Without the presence of something "existential" pushing me, I am finding it harder to overcome this time myself.
As with most things, though, feedback cycles are a thing. Negativity feeds on itself, and success begets success, so the first step is finding whatever you can to help break the feedback loop. Catch any negative thoughts as quickly as you can, and redirect them from fatalistic into something malleable.
Catch any random, distracting "I need to Google this" type thoughts as they happen, and write them down on a notebook as something you should Google later, but not right now.
One important thing at the start is that, you don't have to necessarily believe every positive mantra or habit you say, you just have to do it. Over time, the believability will come on its own.
If you can get momentum going towards the positive instead of the negative, break the feedback loop, and get onto the "success begets success" side of it, it gets much easier.
Hope that helps and makes sense. Wish I had an actual, easy answer, but a lot of it is just trying things until you see what works, and being consistent above all else.
Good luck, and if you come up with any of your own tips, please let me know, because as I said - for as much as I've been through this before successfully, I can see it happening again, and I'm realizing it's time to deal with it again myself.
The existential need you mentioned is really powerful. Now that you mention it, the last time I felt really mentally aligned, well, and focused was when I was out of work. I also had a situation where people were depending on me, and it…it wasn’t perfect but it really filtered out a lot of these other thoughts and impulses. Maybe there’s something there about a goal that exists beyond ourselves. Good callout, I’d totally forgotten about that.
I hear you on the consistency. I’m trying that myself too. Just committing to a few actions even if my brain is completely working against me. Again, mixed results, but I’m finding that something is better than nothing, and that, like you said, success begets success.
I had one this past weekend actually. I ended up writing about 15-20,000 words, but most of it doesn’t make any sense. I mean the sentences and paragraphs do, but there’s no coherence to any of it. “Impulses on the mind”, like you said. They’re really affecting my day to day life. I’ll have a period where I feel content and motivated—about my job, for example—and then I’ll have a sharp drop off where, sometimes for days, I’ll find myself in one of these down cycles.
In fact I’m unsure if anything I’ve even said makes sense. How have you dealt with these mental impulse?
Also this is a nice podcast with therapy demonstration at the end: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f80xs3MN9mY
Hope it helps with making sense.
If you get locked into a particular thought or topic, first notice it, then let it go.
It's extremely difficult to do but over time this practice of noticing builds a mental muscle and helps you focus your thoughts towards what you want when you want.
It’s been circling around in my head for a few weeks now. This might be the kick in the ass I need to give it another go. The stuff you said about getting locked onto a topic is something I have a lot of trouble with. It’s been a little jarring for me to “realize” that you’re not really in control of your mind, just parts of it, and maybe fewer than we like to think. It can just have all these thoughts and patterns without your consent, so to speak. It’s the locking on / latching on that uproots me.
I think it helps to make lists of things and ideas. Then
(1)prioritize. This will already generate more order and again some sense of control.
(2) just scratch out a lot of them, you do not need to follow all those paths. 10 or so can remain.
(3) only act upon the top prorities and just rely on the fact that you wrote down the gists of your other non scratched ideas, so you don't have to keep them all in mind.
(4) Some things of the list, you will find them outdated or silly after a while, so those become easy to scratch and let them go out of your mind as well.
(5)well done, you will find your ideas and way of working is a lot more organised!
I compare the lists to wishlists on ali or amazon. Instead of giving in to the temptation of buying something that is featured when you are shopping for something else, just add it to the wish list. At your next stop, maybe months later, you will see the wish list and say: what was i thinking?
What has characterized those periods of time? What changed? I don't think I've ever not felt like this.
It seems a bit ironic that the author spends a lot of the time lamenting her loss of his support for her creative process. Seems to me that given his (soon) impending loss of any capability to express anything at all, that the focus should be on whatever his wishes are -- whatever he wants to express or do in the short time he has left. Ie, his writing, his time, etc, and not hers.
Far too often, people do actually neglect the fact of the precious and irreplaceable opportunities they have among them -- such as rare and beautiful souls such as Jake. Very easy to take for granted the gifts we are given -- the people that provide. It sounds like she did so for 15 years, and of course, now that it is nearly lost, it is easy for her, now, to notice the notice the loss, and yet still call it her loss, rather than his.
How is it that even his dying, it is somehow still about her, and not about him, his wishes, creativity, wants, needs, desires, in his last days? Somehow, this is getting overlooked.
I went and read the two parts and you're absolutely right. They speak of Jake as if he is an appliance, and his cancer as an incovenience to him being a personal proofchecker. Total lack of empathy.
And the writing, even at a time like this in their life, is totally vacuous collection of petty concerns (technically it's also repeative and lifeless, but that's the least of its problems given the lack of any substance and emotional core for what is not a technical post). If that's representative, maybe don't write at all. If you can't be moved by a parter dying, or can't express it while still writing about it and complaining about them not being able to do their usual support role, maybe writing shouldn't be the focus, becoming a better person should be a more urgent task (and by that I mean not self-work, but focusing on the other who runs on borrowed time).
I think the Venn diagram of people who “must write” despite having no idea what they are writing and the people who have issues with ego over-expression is pretty close to circular.
I am somewhere between “is editing your writing how Jake wants to spend his last days?” and “this might be the only way she feels like she can still connect with her partner.”
My point?
“If you practice speaking with the attention to language and punctuation you would when writing, not only will you impress people and communicate well, but when you write it will be familiar.”
- paraphrased from a certain Romantic Period Poetry Professor with a Penchant for Bow Ties
He had fantastic insights. Especially with respect to drama and comedy. If the voice in your head isn’t helpful, maybe train it better? Worked for me and still does in a diverse manner of endeavors.