Comment by NikolaNovak | Hacker News Reader

Comment by NikolaNovak | Hacker News Reader

I was a techie for 25 years and my response to this story would be predictable - combination of chuckle, sympathy, and outrage. And I still feel all of those.

But now I've been in the management/client-facing role for a while, and my burning question is: 1. WHAT did the person say over the phone to calm them down? 2. Could the author of the article have said it with same results? Because I'm learning that as much fun as it is to understand and hack computers, it's also fun to understand and 'hack' people (something all my mentors have been telling me for 20 years but I've only recently been able to hear).

For example (and the fun here is in guessing and hypothesizing:) -- rather than listening to tirade, could the author have said something like "Oh, we have found it is far less efficient for partner level people to go through obscure manuals themselves; my team and I have gone through them and I can give you a customized review of the key features relevant to you that will be far more respectful of your and companies' time" ?

(is it cheeky? Of course! Winning question is would it accomplish the same or similar result? Was there a winning game strategy for author other than escalating?)

An angry neighbor rings on our “apartment turned office” door - we were an early stage startup.

The guy is red faced, shouting profusely how someone had parked at his designated spot AGAIN. This goes on a while, until I understand what’s going on - I parked at his place, as I thought we were entitled to it from the apartment, apparently in error.

Well the guy was expecting to meet resistance I guess, he was all geared up for a confrontation.

I immediately apologized said that I didn’t know (which was true) and will not happen again.

The guy relaxed like magic, just calmed down immediately. And then started apologizing to me, and telling how “its alright from time to time” etc.

It was really bizarre transformation to witness. I attributed it to balkan culture generally being confrontational, so that when I just apologized, the situation the guy ended up at was not one he expected and he had to actually rethink his position. Or something like that.

And this is a pattern I’ve used in other almost violent confrontations to dissolve them. If you’re able to convince the other party that they are actually understood, then communication can happen.

In tech support circles there's a bunch of methodologies, but a common one is PAIR. Probe, Analyze, Isolate, Resolve. The first step is probing and gaining agreement - asking meaningful questions to get to the bottom line and then making sure the person understands you have understood and have the right problem in mind.

Many people spend a significant amount of their communication time failing to gain agreement on the actual problem, who was at fault, and how its going to be resolved - this is basic communication skills but many people are not given a framework to think about it and have to go through life getting screamed at, so they adopt a similar policy.

This is how I try to handle a political argument with someone I already know I disagree with.

For programming, and other technicl troubleshooying, I think I'd add a step at the end of "Probe, Analyze, Isolate, Resolve"... Verify - verify that the actual problem was solved, or confirm the Resolve step if someone else is involved.

Mistakes and misunderstanding can happen throughout the process. A quick email or conversation regarding the resolution can work wonders.

> If you’re able to convince the other party that they are actually understood, then communication can happen.

This is spot on, I think. Usually people are angry because they feel that their routine has been disrupted/they're frustrated/etc, and are ready to fight. If you show that you understand them, sympathize, and will try to help them without a fight, they relax.

An intersection in some real tight and twisty part of an old city backed up with cars in both directions.

Two cars had come in and neither was willing to move to the side to let the other pass. Plenty of shouting and honking was going nowhere fast.

After twenty minutes a fellow from way down the jam got out of his car and whispered to one of the drivers. "It looks like the other guy is being a jerk, and I feel for you. But, I need to get to my kid's birthday party, and it is really important to her. Could you do me a favor and move over to let us through."

A few minutes later and everyone was on their way.

Reminds me of this bit:

---

So I thought about the pictures in his head. I thought about what he does every day. Finally it hit me how I could value him. "You know," I said conspiratorially, "between you and this other car, you are the only professional driver here."

He backed up.

-- Diamond, Stuart. Getting More (2010)

That's not cultural. He was angry because he thought someone was deliberately stealing his parking spot. His anger went away when he found out that it was an accident and that he would now be able to access his parking as much as he wanted.

He apologized because it turned out that his anger was not actually warranted by anything.

> But now I've been in the management/client-facing role for a while, and my burning question is: 1. WHAT did the person say over the phone to calm them down? 2. Could the author of the article have said it with same results?

Sometimes there is nothing the underling can do because people treat others differently depending on perceived social position. No matter what you say and how you say it, some people will treat you badly if they think you are below them on the totem pole. Think about people who berate service workers and ask to Speak To The Manager, then when the manager comes and says the same thing, they’re mollified.

I’ve had managers tell me “Bring me along when you go talk to Director ABC” because he knew Director ABC sees manager as a peer and will listen, and sees me as someone beneath him.

People have goals and perceptions going into the conversation. If they want a manager they have already decided sometimes before the conversation starts that the conversation with the underling will not serve those ends. They go into the conversation with the manager with the expectation that the superior has the tools and intelligence to do the job and ergo actually listen. This isn't necessarily a failing on your side and it may not be something you can correct.

Things that work

- You can speak to the manager but the manager is an expert in managing people I am the expert in <subject matter>. I can resolve your issue.

- You can speak to the manager but there will be a wait of up to 10 minutes and in that same time frame we could have already resolved your issue.

- I know you want to do <impossible/illegal/crazy thing> in order to achieve <end> but the <system/law/policy> wont allow us to do that that way but fortunately there is another way to achieve <end> and we can get started on that right now.

- I'm required to collect information about such issues before sending it up. I'll make it quick can I ask you a few questions about why you want to speak to the manager? <sympathetic sounds/interjections followed by a casual insertion of the obviously beneficial solution>

However there are plenty of cases where the thing desired is the perceived importance of having someone themselves important take the case as it were and you can't replicate that without at least the pretense of importance. For instance when I was a low level supervisor at a retail establishment I came to the service desk on a number of occasions to deal with customer issues knowing no more than them and not even being over their area thus having LESS authority. They just wanted to jabber at someone in a collared shirt.

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