You Aren't Lazy: Exploring a Lack of Motivation

One thing I struggled with a lot growing up and finally can understand and handle better now is executive dysfunction.

We perceive our decisions as consciously made and explainable in words. But often decisions are made deep into the unconscious depths of our neural networks and then an explanation for them emerges into the conscious mind.

ADHD related executive dysfunction is not being indecisive or lazy. It's a difficulty in the processing of information and forming of those deeply rooted decisions about what is important at different times and what to prioritize.

So because of this disability, I have to spend extra time, attention and energy performing conscious decisions that other people's brains make for them.

I find loneliness to be my biggest kryptonite (probably more revealing than I’d like on HN).

I work a tech job, as opposed to career. It’s not stimulating work, very mundane.

I can’t devout more than 5 min a time to my work, dead serious. It’s a constant tug between feeling alone/sad/ and bored

Every time I return from my break (one of many) it feels a lot like that deep breath before swimming a lap.