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Comment by mobilejdral | Hacker News Reader

I have seen the joke more than a few times about how women would also love to have a wife to take care of the home and everything mentioned in the article, but unfortunately they are straight and so they would have to be the wife.

I went on a date with a guy who told me he is looking for a housewife with everything that you would expect and actually lean more into the 1950's version. Later in the date he let out that he also expected me to continue working my full time job and pay half of the expenses.

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I had the opposite problem, my ex wanted to be taken care of and not have to work (traditional housespouse); but they expected me to do half of the housework (or more, in the case of the dogs they wanted).

I would work 8-10hrs a day, then spend another 1.5ish walking dogs and .5-1ish doing house chores. After I was done, I would have to listen to them complain about how exhausted they were mopping the floors.

When I would mention to friends of the opposite gender that I felt taken advantage of and that they should contribute the majority of housework for their "free ride" (or get a job and contribute to expenses), the entire conversation would be warped into me being a sexist or abuser. It was a weird societal gaslight, for sure.

I pay for everything. I also do ~50% if the housework and childcare, as I’m mostly retired.

Some people will think that’s unfair (my income is mostly sourced from investments, sure, but I’m still bringing the income). Some will think it’s fair as it’s about doing the work.

Your situation, on the other hand, seems categorically unfair to you.

While it is slightly about the money, it's mostly about the inequity of work.

You say "doing the work"...well, the person with the job is doing 8hrs/day and 40hrs/wk to pay for everything. You should be willing to put in some sort of equity of work.

If the household chores somehow took anywhere near 40hours a week, sure the argument goes out the window; but the easy solution is go get a job, and then just split the chores down the middle. They don't have to pay for your lifestyle anymore, and there's no argument about being someone's servent. But I don't see what's weird about saying "I don't want to pay and work for someone who does nothing or nowhere near the equivalent".

You're retired, you're not doing "the work"...it makes sense that you also contribute.

Unfair/fair “to you” is the key to these arrangements, I think.

I have found that the only real recipe for happiness in domestic life is if the parties come to the table honestly and earnestly, work out some kind of arrangement they’re jointly comfortable with, and understand that this may change over time. That’s OK, and the process should then begin again. (We love iteration around here, embrace it at home too!)

No one should be trapped into some sort of lopsided domestic hell hole with no option to be fulfilled and no equitable support from their other.

I just have to ask, did you expect your ex to work 24/7 for you? When did the job of being the traditional housespouse get off? 6pm? 8pm? never? When were they simply allowed to be your partner and get to stop taking care of you? Having to walk your dog (it is your dog no matter whom wanted it) and sounds like helping to clean up dinner sure sounds like a really hard life.

After you divorced did you hire a maid, etc? How is it going looking for a future spouse when you tell them you want to never do any house work at all?

I didn't expect anything from them. Way to perfectly encapsulate the entitled gaslighter/perpetual victim. Glad to know that, in your mind, it's perfectly valid for someone to contribute nothing and expect a free ride.

They just decided they wanted to be a traditional housespouse. I certainly would have liked them to contribute something to the household, like walking the dog that they went and got of their own accord half of the time or to contribute something in their stead of contributing to household expenses. Mostly since I was spending the majority of my hard earned money on them sitting on their ass watching TV or going to museums and cafes with friends. And the majority of my time supporting their lifestyle.

I didn't ask them to be in that role, they were perfectly welcome to get a job and we could share an equal amount in all household chores. And in fact, that was the ultimatum that ended our relationship, leading into a different one of equal shares of contribution and a shared happiness (both employed, equal split of household chores).

And there it is, you think being a housewife contributes nothing. In your own words they were doing half of the housework, but evidently that contributes nothing and was a "free ride".

> Mostly since I was spending the majority of my hard earned money on them sitting on their ass watching TV or going to museums and cafes with friends. And the majority of my time supporting their lifestyle.

And again it is adorable that you think it was your money. Legally married as you found out when you divorced, money earned during marriage is legally owned by both and split.

Really it sounds like you failed to have any sort of real conversation about life plans when you were younger. You then made all sorts of assumptions which not surprisingly blew up in your face.

I am willing to bet anything that if they got a job and you were both employed you would have still complained that they should be doing their half of the house work, which would have been all of the house work and you would have "walked the dog" as your half. And if you two had kids, of course you wouldn't have helped there either and she could see that hell coming.

Sounds like you wanted a bangmaid and not a life partner.

> And again it is adorable that you think it was your money. Legally married as you found out when you divorced, money earned during marriage is legally owned by both and split.

It's adorable you think we were married. They got nothing in the break up other than a lost ride and a one-way ticket to a deadend job. Oh, and a dog they tried abandoning on the streets a couple months later. Real upstanding person you're defending there because of your imagined solidarity in gender/perspective.

> Sounds like you wanted a bangmaid.

Nope, just a partner.

Funny how you're stuck on the one point of housework when I made it clear from the beginning that I would prefer they go earn their own money and we do a 50/50 split of chores. Obviously, because you know that that is a totally reasonable stance and you'd look ridiculous for saying they deserve to stay at home and do nothing while using someone else's money and effort to live off of; so you try to reframe it as some desire on my part. It's not working, move on.

You also probably think any man you date that wants to "go dutch" is a deadbeat too. You'll say no, because you know it'll look hypocritical; but we both know what you actually think, statistically.

Really shows how you most definitely treat your current partner. I truly hope they haven't legally entangled themselves to you.

> deserve to stay at home and do nothing

Good luck with that. It is clear how you value that work.

And it's clear how little value you offer.

I have been there as well. Happy to be single. When it gets lonely I think back to how it could be and then carry on.

My favorite part of it all is that I described almost the exact scenario she was seeking sympathy for (doing over half of the housework and having to provide solely for the relationship) and her instant response was me being a misogynist who devalued housework, based on her preconceived biases.

It never seemed to click that I was LGBT and describing a relationship with a man.

The hypocrisy runs deep in some.

I'm not sure why you thought it would be any different.

What the original article misunderstands is that there is no incentive for the stay-at-home partner to contribute. They don't have to do housework, because at the level of your own disgust threshold, you'll do it for them. They don't have to raise the children, there's Youtube for that. And you can't leave, because you'll lose half of your assets and be on the hook for spousal and child support.

"Housewife" is a fun idea, but the incentive structures are so perverse that it's invariably a bad deal for the earning partner. Most of us end up working from sunup to sundown while the housespouse scrolls on social media all day.

That said, sounds like you hit the jackpot with someone who mopped the floors. That's better than most.

He is delusional, but there are plenty of guys, me included, that would like to have housewife, and will provide everything and anything she needs to be happy and comfortable in that role.

"be a 1950's and 2020's woman."

I hope he understands you're still laughing at him.

What’s a 2020’s woman?

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