I used to be the person that said "yeah, go have kids" and now I'm "only do it if you're completely sure its what you want" because if you're not it's the children suffering through it.
I think it's a certain type of personality that believes this. I know somebody who gets worried for certain friends/family having children because they don't own their house or have high paid jobs. They have a laundry list of todo's (mostly financial) before they will even consider having children. It's almost condescending but I choose to see it as more of an unnecessary fear/anxiety. People make do. People get knocked up, they get unemployed, they get help from friends and family where possible, and they love their kids just as much as the people who planned it on a Jira board.
This is unfortunate to read. Of course everything doesn’t need to be planned, but food and shelter are the bare minimum.
Maybe they won’t be an A student when they reach school but does it actually matter?
There’s kids who literally survived the Holocaust in Nazi Germany and lived very successful lives after.
That said there is a natural instinct to be a decent parent. You don’t really have to try or be ready to. Just need to be around. In my opinion it’s similar to the instinct to turn off a burning stove - a bunch of common sense stuff that requires zero planning.
Are they becoming a happy person? good, moral person? Do they contribute to society or are they a drain on society? Do you, the parent, have to bail them out of jail every other weekend?
Don't neglect your kids, people. Please.
The unfortunate reality is that this groundwork is laid from around 0-10. After that it's a lot harder to correct the mistakes and the influence then definitely falls much more under peers than the parents.
For those that want to dive in a little bit these are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE). It's not an end all be all chance that you'll develop something with a long term impact but the more you experience the more likely you are to do so.
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/riskprotectivefa...
Lil Timmy falls down a well, or has a really handsy neighbour, or has to see someone get hit by a car.
Like, obviously, don't beat your kids, but you don't need to be superlative parent, esp. since a great deal of their education and raising will happen, essentially, in someone elses workplace (i.e. school).
Parent should first make sure they are good to bring someone else and not to give a disadvantage start, playing gamble with life who did not ask.
How callous can you be to bring a life into the world and think "i'm just gonna wing it" in this day and age. The kid didn't ask to be brought here, it is 100% under the responsibility and care of whoever decided to have it.
> If the life they are coming to is already bad, financially, legged behind from others in many ways, or any other, that's selfish. Forcing someone to terrible start without their consent. > > Parent should first make sure they are good to bring someone else and not to give a disadvantage start, playing gamble with life who did not ask.
Literally every aspect of raising a kid is a gamble, but there are degrees to these things. What counts as a "disadvantage" isn't always clear, let alone the degree to which it is actually harmful. Making a few mistakes or not doing things perfectly is probably fine. There is a huge problem with pregnancy and parenthood where controlled studies can't be done for ethical reasons, the number of confounding variables is about as extreme as it can get, and the outcomes you're measuring often aren't even well defined (what does it mean to have succeeded as a parent? What does it mean for someone to have a happy life?).
It's important to try to make your kids have a happy life, but there's a lot of disagreement on how exactly to do that. One factor that seems to have a huge effect is having parents who express their love for their kids and spend time with them. It's important for parents to take care of themselves and their relationship with their partner. One part of that is not burning yourself out trying to hyper-optimize things.
Now I'm very well off and could retire (fat fire equivalent) at 34 and I do want kids.
The market has changed. Looks is paramount - I worked so hard to be financially stable and didn’t realize that it wasn’t my parents financial situation that had fucked me over so badly in life - it was their dogshit genetics that made me ugly.
A guy with a job and a gym membership is more attractive than 90% of men by default. Do you really have a "looks problem" that wouldn't be resolved in 12 months by actively working out, eating well, a good haircut and a great wardrobe?
A gym only takes you so far. There are things out of one's control - height, hair pattern, face shape, etc.
Although I do believe that you're right in the sense that not being overweight and having a stable job already places you in the top 10-15% of men. It's just that sometimes it's not enough and looks are pretty important for women (even though it's not often said out loud)
An obvious counter-point to that are the millions of short/bald/ugly/whatever guys who are married and have kids.
FWIW, women are turned off by guys who are gross and don't take care of themselves. A guy who intentionally makes the best of what he's got is already ahead.
It's a counterpoint only if you don't understand statistics at all.
Sure, there are millions of short/bald guys married to women. Out of billions.
I've already outlined a number of things that are not under one's control.
We don't have to keep going in circles. You're free to disagree.
I can think of, just off the top of my head, like 3+ guys I used to work with.
More like 6 if you include friends and my barber.
the "I need Looksmaxxing" my appearance is everything screams "I am an incel and can only date supermodels, who seem to reject me"
You're a real catch!
The result is superficial but the confidence gains will be real and you'll feel better either way.
After that I would advise signing up to a rock climbing gym or something and getting out to meet girls in real life, in case your dating app profile still doesn't help by then.
I think most of all, let go of your hate towards yourself/your parents/your appearance. This kind of bitterness consumes you after a while and it will show in your personality.
You sound bitter. That’s an unattractive trait. Your emotions are genuine and shouldn’t be ignored, but you need to process them in a healthy way, let go, and move on.
A good therapist is priceless for this. Easier said than done, though. It took me 4 attempts over a few years to find the right one.
Am I lucky? I work in tech. I'd say about half of the women I talk to at bars in NYC end up turning away as soon as we shift to the discussion of what I do for work. I dress much better than most men but I am short, ugly, and not blessed with the high T that is required to gain lots of muscle mass even if I am in the gym obsessively.
Hate to break it to you but the market has changed.
> surprised that he only interacts with shallow hoes
Never, not once, had a random woman interested in my IT shit unless they're also in STEM themselves. "Boring IT guy shit" is the correct answer, and then change the subject. If they know anything about it or care, they'll ask.
You probably just boring. Change that.
Yes, they are a lot of work. Yes, they are a lot of commitment. Lots of sleepless nights, lots of extra work as you want to be a father and a provider. But so what? Its not very complicated work, just lots of it. And life is too beautiful to slack around, so you can just as well spend them with your kids.
I think more people are ready to be good parents despite doubts that your post implies. If you are completely broke, drug addicted, violent, etc - then yes you should work on those things first. Otherwise, if you're anything like a mainstream member of society you're probably ready and capable.
I found that my "ability" to be a dad switched the moment the kids arrived. Most of us do our best when the occasion demands it and being a dad elevates what is asked of you in the best of ways. Even things that would seem like nigh mares to a single version of myself (eg: changing diapers), feel totally fine - like I am doing exactly what I should be doing right now.
Don't worry about being ready, because nothing can truly prepare you for it. You will never be ready for your first child because there's nothing you can do to train for it.
Just do it.
I wish my parents had had this wisdom.