Funny, this post appears now, we should receive the sim card for our daughter today. And before that, we had a long discussion with my wife, and here's our decision, rules, and approach. Our daughter has still no idea she will get one. She will be 12 in 2+ months.
The first thing we laid down was the various possibilities :
- no phone yet
- a very basic phone (no smartphone)
- a smartphone, but with no internet (except Wifi)
- smartphone with internet (4G/5G/etc)
We quickly decided that a smartphone with internet was out of the picture, but we also decided it was time to have a phone.
The main reason for that was regarding the organization. Last year, she had to use her friend's phone to ask us what she could do based on calendar changes, like a sick teacher. When I was her age, I used a phone booth to do the same, but they all have been removed today. That mean she needed to rely upon others to contact us (or ask the school). This gave an argument to have a phone.
The second reason was that she had a great year last year ("6ieme", in France), great results and she is serious, honest and reliable. We can trust her with a phone.
So we had to choose between a basic phone and a smartphone with only wifi. We had an old smartphone that was still working fine, and she likes to do video montages with our tablet, so we thought going the smartphone road was a good option. Plus, I gotta admit, if I'm being honest, a bit of peer pressure. (Many people we discussed it with told us it was a low blow to give her a basic phone where all her friends would have a smartphone. It's not about the material for me, but mostly about not being on specific apps (Telegram/Signal, etc.)).
But having a phone is just the beginning. There will be rules that come along, and a lot of them.
First, we have a rule at the house for all our kids; they can not watch "screen" anytime they want. We are broad with the term screen as it means what it means : any screen: TV, Computer, Tablet, and now phone. They can only have screen time at 11:30 and 18:30. The idea is to have around 2 hours per screen - at most - per day. Of course, this varies based on when we eat (we tend to eat later on Saturday evening, for instance), and we allow for more screen time on Sunday and the occasional Movie night.
So it will be the same for her phone.
But also, phones will be absolutely prohibited when at the table and in her bedroom. That was the second argument for the Wi-Fi; she will have to use it in the common space, where we can see a bit over the shoulder.
Installing apps will be reviewed by us; some are already on the no-list, like Snapchat.
She could definitely install apps without asking us, or waking up at 3 a.m. to search her phone downstair. But as I've said, she is honest, and I'm confident that's not something she will do.
Finally, and this might be the most important part. While handling the phone to her, there will be a talk. A long talk. We'll explain to her the risk, the pressure, the temptations, and all we can think of to help her understand this is not something to be taken lightly, but we will also insist a lot on the fact that we are always here if she has any problem (this applies more broadly of course).
So here's our approach: Clear rules, a well-defined environment that doesn't restrict her much, but with the knowledge that she can always rely on us if anything happens. Bonus tip I learned via a friend this weekend: We'll tell her that if something difficult she can't share with us, there is always her godmother she can talk to, who will take the appropriate action. We are her parent, not her prison guard.
Now, we'll see how this evolves in a few months/years...