"I’m decent at figuring things out ad-hoc, but that counts for nothing."

That counts for a lot. You shouldn't discount it. Some of the best programmers I every worked with didn't have a degree. However, having said that you need the passion for it. I'm assuming you still like tech, since you are posting on HN?

If you do want to give software a try again, maybe try working on an open source project. Most projects need all kinds of things besides programming. Writing tutorials for example or other developer advocate type things can lead to a different career.