A code review should never be done in person; instead all communication should happen asynchronously through passive aggressive messages left in GitHub. If you're on bi-weekly sprints, the review should be left to age for a minimum of 5 business days before any feedback is provided. Never write resolvable comments, but rather leave ambiguous musings of how a block of code could be cleaner. Assign the review to multiple engineers but never make it a formal part of their responsibilities. On special occasions, unpredictably merge a review with no feedback, or do so simply based on your mood. Loosely, and unpredictably, enforce documentation requirements. Most important: never update your product managers on merged features, so that they can experience the joy of discovery just like your customers!