Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety | Hacker News Reader

Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

4 pointsgtkid199915 comments

I'm a coward. There is no denying it but I've accepted this fact. Failed out of my university's cs program, ended up majoring in something totally different. Got a software engineering job at a big name company after internships and converting to full time. Now, having worked there for a year full time, I realize I don't know anything. My job is mainly just refactoring code and I hardly have built anything from scratch. I have crippling depression from feeling like an imposter, and I never told my parents I switched my majors in uni.

These will be my final few days on earth since I'm just an incompetent piece of shit who's not valuable anywhere. The thought of death is almost liberating since I'll be freed from this cycle if torture. Guilt, Shame, ignorance, depression, anxiety. Good luck everyone, if there is an afterlife I'll see you there

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I honestly know how you feel, but... So what if you haven't accomplished anything?

When I was younger I was as far down as you seem to be. 11 years later and I'm still not where I think I want to be in my career and I don't even know what my skills even are but I'm still here. The world didn't end. I wasn't disowned by my family, etc... I realized that _only I was upset about my life, nobody else cared_. Once I wrapped my head around that things got a bit easier.

I still have my moments- I'm a CISSP and in fumbling an easy interview question about packet capturing for a job you spent 6 years doing before- but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Life ain't always rosey but it's not always caca either.

You'll never know what comes next if you walk away before the show is over, and you don't know what's next until it happens.

I need to become a bit more resilient for sure. Life is not so cut and dry there will be ebbs and flows. Just gotta fight through it

Not a coward.

I can't tell you the number of times I've felt like I know absolutely nothing, that is ok and I've met a lot of people who go through it even if they've been doing this for 20+ years. What you feel as "knowing nothing" is the universe telling you the scope of what you are trying to master, it is meant to humble you, don't let it crumble you.

As for doing things from scratch, that isn't as easy as it has been in the past, look for a project doing something that speaks to what made you get into computers and engineering and see what you can contribute, sometimes the money aspect of this industry is what kills it's soul.

Take breaks, give your brain time to rest and get perspective, do things that are far, far away from anything to do with engineering and don't forget absolutely none of this at the end of the day is ever worth harming yourself over.

I really need time right now to grow. I just feel that I'm being pulled in too many directions and I need to figure out my life priorities. Plus the guilt and baggage carrying from my uni days has taken a serious mental toll. I really appreciate the reply. I need to figure out what I want

Hey no problem. And if you feel like you are really having a hard time finding your way talk to a professional.

As for the degree, you got one, sure it wasn't what you enrolled for but you got a job doing CS WITHOUT the degree, sounds like your attempt was a success not a failure despite a setback.

A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer.

Maybe reach out to your parents and ask for some help? They will not be upset as you think they will be.

When you are depressed and anxious, you are not thinking rationally. All of this incompetent piece of shit stuff is just your negative emotions...it's not reality.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Brother. You want to change the way you have been doing things? Well that's great! It shows that you care. Accept the mistakes you have made, you can grow into the better person you want to be.

I truly appreciate the reply. I need to figure out a plan but don't know where to start. Being a self taught dev is harder than I expected it to be. I feel like there is a mountain of information I missed out on from 4 years of uni that I must catch up on. Hard to figure out where to begin

For years I was the "maths guy" at a small software house. And yet I often struggled through the terse mathematical notation that I frequently encountered while researching a given problem. On numerous occasions I had to ask for help on sites such as MathOverflow, and for a long time that really did bother me. All of my coworkers seemed to think of me as some kind of "real" mathematician, and yet there I was, posting questions on a forum like a complete noob. Eventually, I came to the realization that I truly was doing the best I could. Try to learn new things every day and give it everything you've got. That's all you can do!

I was talking to a couple of staff engineers at Shopify about this. Inspite of getting a PhD or getting to their positions, they still suffer through imposter syndrome. They said what you said just now, try to fake it till the end. That's all that you can do

From someone who's been there: please don't do anything hasty--except maybe leave your job. The "majors" are uniformly toxic.

Talk to your boss, or their boss. Even taking a totally cynical view of life, they don't want suicides on their watch because it looks bad on their performance reviews, so they'll do anything to help you. If you can't do that, because they're sociopathic assholes, walk out the door. Really walk out the door, and don't look back.

Just keeping yourself alive makes you a worthwhile human being. You're contributing to to greater good if you do only that.

Your job is not who you are and it never should be.

If your job makes you feel bad, walk out and block all of work's phone numbers. Delete Slack from your phone. Just get a new phone if you can.

If your parents make you feel bad, block them too. You don't need know-nothings judging you. In fact, from what you've said, block them anyway. They've failed. You haven't.

Everyone else is faking it too. You've probably heard that before, but it really is true. Take it in, mull it over, and stop judging yourself.

My parents are pressuring me to get my masters in CS. I have somehow convinced them I'll do an online masters, but I hate the thought of being controlled at the age of 23. They are the root of my problems right now which why I've been led too these extremes

It took me a long time--three decades; more--to get over my parents' expectations for me.

You are not them. You are not them. They are not you.

They have no right to try to live their fantasies through you. No right at all. Block them. They have failed.

If you can, get far away. You need a lot of space to heal, and then learn who you are.

You do not have to have a job at a name brand corporation. That's something you don't need.

just take a break man...go on holiday, climb a mountain, learn scuba diving, pay for a three-some, try crack(only once though), learn brick-laying, ...

You think you can “try” crack? sorry this comment has me in tears

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