Just say what you want to say instead of hiding behind your snide comments.

Those methods already exist, albeit weak, and business management still routinely favors theatrics over measurements. You can put their noses on the metrics clearly pointing out the slackers, and they will get personal and touchy-feely as to why the metrics aren't correct. You can point out the plethora of studies and arrogantly they will believe they know better. Of all the hills to die on regarding performance, taking a break to do laundry certainly isn't it.