And I'm done with developers who proudly boast of 95% test coverage using mocked tests because "we don't want to test the database" and then have database changes cause production crashes. "But my tests were all green!"

Databases, external APIs, dependency version updates, etc are among the most likely places where unintended changes get introduced. Why would you not test that when catching unintended breaking changes is one of the primary purposes of tests? Your simple business logic layer function converting one object into another is not going to be the problem, the database is