A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
raptitude.com
raptitude.com
This resonates. Many who are stuck frustrated not getting what they want have talked themselves out of trying to get it to begin with.
A good another clue is 3rd party attribution. "My life is bad because of bitches/billionaires/Mexicans/whatever" - I've never heard anyone talk like that while also maximizing what's in their power to change.
It goes like this:
- Papa deer: “Remember son, you have the power to make objects move by thought. If you see a car rolling towards you, STARE at it straight in the headlights and concentrate and move it with your mind.”
- Son deer: “Isn’t that how grandpa died?”
- Papa deer: “He didn’t believe enough.”
So I’ll say it straight away: Some people, no matter how they work to build a startup, are blocked from success by external factors, on which they can do nothing. And I can say that because I’m a millionaire twice from startups, and that gift/set of skills/learnings/factors will never dawn on some people.
Of course I’m definitely not saying that because I’m single and have no talent in women ;) But I’m tired of “Just put your mind to it, and if it doesn’t work, it’s because you didn’t try enough.” No. I irritate women. I can see it in their eyes, and there is no way around that (at least until someone tells me what my defect is, assuming it’s a defect I can work upon, but everyone lies to me saying “try more”. No, papa deer).
What are the factors specifically? How are you defining success? My definition is "You built a profitable business" and there are so many small businesses doing this across the world, I can't really think of external factors that are true deal breakers except perhaps very bad health, it's hard to start a business when you're bedridden. Millions of people are starting businesses all the time in incredibly limited situations like a street food cart in a slum in India and succeeding.
Basically anything that eats up your time. Disability is just an example problem that nobody can blame on us.
Edit: It doesn't need to be severe, which is why I mention it. I'm actually better off than 95% of MS patients.
See also Dr. Joel Fuhrman: https://www.drfuhrman.com/health-concerns/9/multiple-scleros... His plan also has a lot of success with reducing or eliminating migraines for many people.
Best of luck with managing MS.
here are some personal observations which you may or may not agree with.
1. you need to be in reasonable shape. pay no attention to the exceptions to this rule, they don't apply to you. so get fit however you want. the more the better. nobody wants to fuck a slug.
2. you don't NEED money, but it certainly doesn't hurt. truly not caring about bills/expenses exudes something you can't fake. broke dudes can truly not care about bills also, from the other side. counter-intuitive, right? if you were broke, could you fake it convincingly? no, probably not. because the exceptions don't apply to you.
3. if you show an ounce, a smidge, one iota, a mere hint of neediness, you're fuckin' GONE. again, pay no attention to the exceptions because they don't apply to you. this can be anything from needing to text/communicate way too often, or weighing other peoples' opinions too much, or being unsure of how to deal with a situation. if you're confused about life just keep it to yourself and ask your male friends or older guys. being confident and wrong is an easy fix if you're a fast learner. being a wishy washy dork is unforgiveable.
4. learn how to dress well in your own style. the exceptions don't apply to you. everyone has their own style so there's not much to say here other than make sure everything fits.
5. being good at sex matters a lot, or at least not terrible. you need a solid baseline upon which to improve. this may seem like a catch-22 because it is. catch-22 is the base layer of reality of the male condition. if you want success you need to figure it out, just like in business. just fucking figure it out, smart guy. the exceptions don't apply to you.
6. height and race matters a lot. if you're short or not white you need to work harder at everything, unless you are exceptional, which you clearly are not. whether or not this is worth it is up to you. if the threshold for effort is deemed to be too much, that's a valid response to a skewed market. just know that every other guy out there is hoping you give up.
7. a woman can break up with you or dump you or ghost you for absolutely no reason at all even if you are the perfect ideal person on paper. this is a non-deterministic field of outcomes. if you get upset at this, you need to grow up.
8. persistence in the face of overwhelming odds against you is how you succeed in business, it applies here also. some are lucky, they are exceptional, and you are not.
After getting burned a few times I realized that what I "wanted" was to sleep with a lot of girls, but what I "actually wanted" was to sleep with a lot of girls who want me more than I want them (i.e. an egotistical drive) - emphasis on the "want me more than I want them" part. It's an important distinction, and the fantasy is to be the guy who all the "good girls" (i.e. the relationship-oriented girls who don't easily fall for guys) fall deeply in love with and would do anything for but can't pin down, and this narrative is pursued as a goal because it provides a sense of security ("there will always be people who love me"). In reality you just attract many girls who might not even want a relationship, and that fantasy sense of security will cease to exist. Even if you do find the fabled "good girl" or if one of the short-term minded girls falls for you, you will be conditioned to be skeptical and doubtful of their long-term relationship capacity because of your experiences with the other girls, thus erasing any of the sense of security that you initially sought.
Also, in the end it seemed that the "want me more than I want them" thing was actually more important than sleeping with the girls. So when I found out that the girls I was sleeping with wanted me in a relationship capacity less than the admittedly close-to-zero amount I wanted them, it was really demoralizing, as I'd inevitably end up with this weird shitty feeling of being "just another guy" a girl slept with and it did not feel good at all. Then I realized that my behaviors probably also led girls to feel hurt in this way, and the whole exercise between the genders is kind of futile overall and people are hurting each other over something as trivial as ego and a misguided search for security.
Now I just kind of maintain the self-improvements from before, as they've added great value to my life, but I don't actively seek out dating, going to clubs, etc. I figure that if something pointing to a relationship comes about organically I will definitely be fully open to it, but it is not as much of a priority at the moment.
more well adjusted/successful men are "deficient" (this term is used loosely) in fewer of these categories and may not need to change much from baseline, or at all. the zero dudes need to level up basically everything in order to even have a snowball's chance in hell. i.e. a tall jacked rich dude can get away with being an emotionally needy text-happy dork sometimes. it might even be endearing in a "i can fix him" kind of way.
the most important thing is for guys who WANT to improve (not everyone really gives a shit, which is fine) the most important thing to understand is that you CAN improve, and society's bullshit platitudes, dismissals of concern, and implications creepiness of wanting to improve are just that - bullshit, deeply dishonest, deceitful, and fucking cruel.
to make matters worse there are all sorts of con artists who prey on younger guys so hearing this kind of stuff from a non-sales-oriented pov on a place like HN is important.
Like, I enjoyed my slutty single says but I LOVE father's day with my two kids and wife even more :) I don't measure the "value add" that my wife brought me in units of her desire for me or something weird like that - I look at the life I am enjoying and could not have without her.
As I said this may not be for you but a mention of this was completely absent altogether and that was odd for me.
The whole episode opened my eyes that I was not only doing this "points counting" in a dating context, but also in a friendship context, e.g. trying to find friends who reach out to me more than I reach out to them (in pursuit of a similar type of security), rather than just relaxing and enjoying the friendships in a natural way. I'd say things are much better now.
I am now in a similar situation you were before: I've never had a relationship, the last phone number of a girl I got was 2 years ago and it was a coworker, etc.
The original article suggests to learn how other people have already gotten the thing you want. So can you share the plan you followed that made you start attracting girls? Or can you share some resources you used to achieve that goal?
1. is what you've been doing for years, working? then don't keep doing it.
2. has asking advice from women, ever worked?
3. imagine you have always been poor, how do you think your social circle would react if you tried to get rich? if you actually achieve it?
think deeply about these things with an open mind.
talking about the fact that you can actually learn to be good with women is highly offensive to a huge portion of the population because you are turning that something that should be 'natural' into something that can be quantified and that deeply upsets some people. they really can't handle it mentally.
Have you found a way of finding similarly minded people in life?
9. never tell women you are working on this stuff actively because it is extremely creepy to them that you are trying to pull yourself up from being unattractive. above comment is saying so, in plain english. the very thought that you would want to improve yourself is repulsive. general rule of thumb is just shut the fuck up about it and avoid over-sharing.
"just so you know, i'm working on not being a needy dork that texts you 24/7. i hope to be more attractive to you by working on my ability to make decisions for myself without being devastated when someone tells me their opinion of me. do you like me more now? how about now? how about now?"
Following that advice isn't bettering yourself, you're essentially just doing the human version of SEO.
You aren't becoming a better or kinder or more interesting person, nor are you working on your ability to make real human connections with others.
And a lot of you will say, so what? If it gets me a girlfriend, what does it matter?
These are the dudes who get dumped or divorced and never see it coming, because they never bothered to learn how to relate to people.
no, i do believe you have it exactly backwards.
you're also just making up straw man arguments like "can't connect with people". i didn't even mention that, or hobbies, or charity, or anything. pure fiction in your mind.
you see a post about 'self improvement' and your mind just fills in the blanks with your own assumptions. you probably didn't actually read half the post.
Almost all of the advice was around superficial, self-centered things.
All of it was about you getting something you want, and none of it was about being a net positive in someone else's life.
It comes off as cold and selfish.
be fit, make money, don't be needy, dress well, be good at sex, work hard to overcome height/race, move past breakups, keep working to improve.
these are somehow selfish? HAHA okay buddy. then again, hey you know you could NOT follow my advice, and
be fat, broke, needy, schlubby, lame at sex, lazy, heartbroken, and give up.
Relationships are no longer transactional. The age of the breadwinner and provider are over. Women are no longer forced to stay home while you toil in the mines or whatever. You're optional.
Because you're optional, you need to be more desirable than no relationship and frankly, a lot of you aren't.
LOL. buddy. i've got some news for you.
the fact that you can't actually point to a single thing i said (not something you just made up out of thin air) and claim it is actually WRONG, means you're just angry at my opinion.
Relationships aren't something you acquire, they're something you build. You need to be a net asset to your partner, and just bringing home money doesn't count.
why would that be?
"everything in the world is about sex, except sex, which is about power"
I would bet a good therapist or dating coach could help you.
I’d love if someone told me my truth, but until then, I can’t do much.
Granted I didn’t try a dating coach, I don’t know where to find them, their answers will always be “pay me $100 and believe in yourself”, and yes I’m very afraid that if I find out a dating coach helps, I’ll have lost my life for nothing, but it’s impossible to talk about it because no-one ever accepts to envision that, yes, when you reach 40 without capability to date regularly, well you’re fucked, I’d commit terrible things to make people admit that I’ve lost my life if I could,
Why can’t people accept that, yes, it’s hard, I see uglier people than me succeed, I see total losers succeed, so yes, the only artifact I see is:
I - irritate - women, they become between sarcastic and mean to me after knowing me for a few weeks.
Could even be that I don’t ask early enough, that I don’t sexualize them enough, I’m always too careful about not stalking them and ensuring they don’t feel like a bag of meat, so maybe they’re just frustrated that I don’t kiss them on the second date. I don’t know, hypothesis! but that would at least be a fair explanation that I could work on.
Instead, the only feedback I have is, that I’m selfish or whatever trait that you could judge anyone with - Let them first, I also donate to charities way more than friends, I’ve also belonged to more charities than much more of the population, I’ve also accompanied by best enemy through cancer, til he died with us playing the song he himself composed, this asshole got the most beautiful death he could imagine, I mean the accusation of selfishness or closed-mindedness doesn’t hold any cold-headed analysis.
Is your definition of being blocked anything that doesn’t just happen by itself?
> Is your definition of being blocked anything that doesn’t just happen by itself?
sigh... really ?
Listen seriously and carefully to what she tells you. Mind you, she's not necessarily right. But she's much more likely to be right than a bunch of randos trying to diagnose you over the internet.
Not everyone can do anything, but I think any individual person can do a lot. But are they trying and are they thinking about how they're trying?
That you are able to make an honest self-assessment really bodes well for you. While a lot of the pick up artist stuff is skeezy, anyone who has spent time in bar and nightclub culture has seen the general principles in action. The human mating market is a real thing, and both men and women have various patterns of behavior that can be observed and learned. That knowledge can be used to be a misogynistic cad, but it can also be used to form and strengthen true loving relationships.
There are a lot of hucksters and scammers in the space unfortunately, so you have to prudently sift through the crap to get the useful information which is unfortunate when you're not entirely sure what the useful information is. One very reputable place to start though is with Robert Cialdini's books. He focuses more on persuasion in general, but he's legitimate and correct. It's really important to understand concepts like frame, assuming the sale, revealed preference, and especially social proof.
> I irritate women. I can see it in their eyes, and there is no way around that
Again, the fact that you're observant and honest enough to recognize this means that I am nearly certain you can mitigate or remedy whatever defect or defects that you have. The simplest although depending on your disposition perhaps not the easiest approach is to watch what men who are successful with women do and don't do, and then try to figure out possible things you're doing or not doing that are repulsing women. At that point it's just a matter of A/B testing with a large number of women, which can easily be done in any large city with a night life. It can be rough at first, but after a few times you realize the sun still shines and brightly and the ocean is just as lovely no matter how many girls reject you and rejection loses its sting.
And of course since you're a man of means hiring a coach could be a very good idea, assuming you can find one who is trustworthy and ruthlessly honest.
This one quality tends to be quite profound at setting men apart. No need to disagree, fix, suggest, or provide a different perspective. Listen and thoughtfully respond with empathy to what the woman is saying.
Hopefully, that’s one of the interpersonal bugs you figured out. ;)
Far too often I see:
Woman: “My model of the world is X”
Man: “Your model doesn’t make sense. This is my superior model.”
Woman is irritated.
Alternatively, merely responding with, “I never saw the model of the world that way. Tell me more. Why is X that way? What is Y?”
Now she feels seen and heard. And provides the basis for men to also feel seen and heard as well.
Hopefully, this comment can help the many men out there who have trouble with women.
Not to mention, men tend to provide this exact response to other men, which compounds the irritation women tend to feel.
The problem with both is that people who can follow them for effect already are following them. So in practice, diet and exercise is what I call "fuck off advice": the person you give it to, should they believe it, will try and try and not see much effect, and eventually fail - but the process will take 3-6 months or more, during which they won't bother you with their problems, and at the end of it, they'll blame themselves for not being good enough, and perhaps even see you as a good person who tried to help.
It's obvious in general - e.g. clearly poisonous things are clearly poisonous. Less so in specifics, as the body is good at extracting what it needs from ingested food, and discarding the rest; it works out as long as you provide the full range of the things the body needs. However, that wasn't my point.
My point is, recommending change in diet and exercise regime as a solution to problems is about as effective as telling one the solution to money problems is to study nuclear physics and then join a bank as a quant. Yes, technically it works, but people who could do this are already doing this; for everyone else, it's a near-impossible task, given the constraints of their current adult life. Getting on what's currently considered healthy diet and good exercise regime, means trying to endure self-inflicted psychological torture and having non-productive but tiring activities cut into the amount of time you have in a day/week - for indefinite time period, but at least couple months, and uncertain gains. Not many adults can pull that off. Which is why they don't, which is why "diet and exercise" is what I call "fuck-off advice". For most who try, it's bound to fail, mostly for structural reasons, and will bring plenty of pain and guilt in the process.
An untrained individual(not morbidly obese) who incorporates the following 3 minute workout in their morning routine will feel the changes already on day 2:
Hold a plank, for as long as you can manage
30 second break
Push ups, as many as you can do
30 second break
Again do push ups, as many as you can do
The extremely short body weight workout I described will still create a noticeable improvement and can be improved upon on when the individual feels ready. What I described will be a good first step and is hardly akin to studying nuclear physics. You don’t have to be an Olympic level athlete to reap the rewards of daily exercise.
In general, an improvement in diet and physical activity, even small changes, has an almost immediate positive effect. Clarity of mind, improved self confidence, better sleep…
As for dieting, I had a limited success with it - managed to visibly drop weight in few months, though I regained it over the year after I dropped the diet regime. Problem is, the diet was moderately distracting on a daily basis. The bigger problem, however, is that the vastly reduced variety of meals I consumed made me dislike some of them, and make others feel bland - so at this point, I can't see myself going back on the same diet, simply because I'm repulsed by the idea of eating those same foods again.
And back to the big point - as far as I checked, neither my weight, nor diet, nor physical activity seem to have had any noticeable correlation with my sleep patterns, mood, energy levels or ability to focus. I've never felt any positive effect within days or weeks of improvement in physical activity or dieting - nothing above noise floor, and especially nothing I could clearly attribute to lifestyle change.
As a developer, the problem is obvious. The solution statement is too general and non-specific to be able to act on. You might start with, choose a language based on some goals, get an environment set up, write hello world, etc etc.
The same divide and conquer approach applies to diet and exercise. There’s a bajillion diet and exercise programs that exist out there, but likely it’s too overwhelming to choose from the thousands out there and we don’t know what we don’t know.
My recommendation is divide and conquer to start small. Many choices for activity exist.
The main thing is to not be overwhelmed and just start with one thing and start small. Showing up is 50% of the work.
Here’s some seeds for the exercise portion. Put any of those terms into YouTube and there will be many folks out there with lots of great and bunk information, but holding it’ll be a start to parse.
Walking, running, calisthenics (body weight pushups, squats, jumping jacks, etc), weightlifting (dumbbells, barbells).
For nutrition, I’ll seed you with the basics.
Cut out foods that make you feel bad. This starts by taking a moment to assess how you feel before consuming food and after consuming food and determining whether you feel better or worse. Generally stay away from the worse feeling foods.
And for what to consume, increase the number of servings of color you consume to 4-5 colors a day. Reds (peppers, tomatoes), blues (blueberries, purple cabbage), greens (kale, lettuce, spinach), yellow (squash, pumpkins, lemons), etc.
Just about every diet and exercise program out there will follow some form of this skeleton with concrete plans and meal prep plans and such.
Hopefully this is enough of a seed to help you over the research activation hump!
Or feel free to email the profile if you’d prefer more in depth discussion. I’m happy to share the years of my knowledge attained for my own specific goals as an enthusiast of the diet and exercise lifestyle.
For example “ HOW TO IDENTIFY & REMOVE ABUNDANCE BLOCKS FOR MANIFESTATION”https://selfmadeladies.com/overcome-abuandance-blocks-faster...
An aquantance had paid for a course on manifestation: she talked a lot about “blocks” when I questioned her about what stops manifestation from working!
“Blocks” are definitely blame-the-victim e.g. “you didn’t believe strongly enough so your cancer wasn’t cured”.
I am not talking about guaranteed success, but about people who don't try the avenues that are available to them.
Like if you are a deer and your family is getting killed by cars, have you tried not standing in the damn road?
I know so many people who have an obvious next action available that would leave them no worse and likely better, but they don't try it.
Which brings me to the second part of your post. What have you tried that could potentially lead you to be less irritating to women? Or at least, what could you try? I could come up with a list of 5+ things for you right now and I don't even know you.
Obvious to you, perhaps. But, who says it's obvious to them?
I know I have this problem myself - some steps seem unavailable until some third party just plain tells me, "yes, you are actually allowed to do this, and you already know nothing bad will happen".
If I said I was going to try to have a successful startup putting a couple hours a week into it now and then, what is the probability of success? So maybe the issue is going up a learning curve?
If you do eventually find yourself in a relationship, here is some advice for making it work from Emma McAdam and also the Gottmans: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/relationship-skills https://www.gottman.com/couples/workshops/art-science-of-lov...
The Gottmans also supply dating advice you can sign up for on their website, but I don't know what it is. I would guess though it is better than the "be an alpha male" advice you might find on a lot of internet sites.
And here is advice specific to hard-driving successful men making relationships work: https://beyond-driven.com/insideout1 "Discover The New Method That Hundreds Of Modern Men Have Used To Save Their Marriage, Reignite Their Sex Life, And Even Transform Their Careers... without ever going to marriage counseling, reading countless "self-help" books, or even mentioning a thing to their wife"
The core idea Tim Arrigo, guy behind that website, expresses in a related promo video is that the same conventional masculine traits that help me succeed in business (problem solving, suppressing emotions) lead to failures in their marriages. While I don't know the details of his approach, I've seen that theme before, like in the book "The Pleasure Trap" about how human behaviors to seek out salt, sweet, and fat (and conserve energy) that were so adaptive in our hunter/gatherer past lead to health disasters given our modern (processed) food supply. And I've also commented elsewhere on how people's traits that may help in one situation may hinder in another (like how paranoia may be useful for a programmer debugging complex code and being suspicious of every line but that paranoia may be corrosive in human relationships).
Many techies tend towards high-functioning Asperger's. If so, these may be of interest too, since relationships involving one or two Aspies can have some special dynamics: https://duckduckgo.com/?q=aspergers+and+relationships
On the other hand, maybe you just have been lucky so far? :-) As in, from a Philip Greenspun essay: https://philip.greenspun.com/careers/women-in-science "Speaking of fertility... A $400/hour divorce litigator said "Knowing what I know now, I could have made a lot more money going to a bar and working for one night than I have made by going to college, law school, and working for 20 years. It turns out that I was sitting on something worth a lot more than a law degree." What's the cash value of fertility compared to working in science? ... A divorce litigator put it a little more simply: "There is no reason for a woman to go to medical school. If she wants to have the spending power of a doctor she can just have sex with three doctors." ... In some states, though not Wisconsin, a plaintiff's own earnings or earning potential can reduce the potential profits from child support. "A degree in poetry is a lot better than a degree in medicine when you're a child support plaintiff," observed one litigator, and added "for a woman with a functioning reproductive system, the decision to attend college and work is seldom an economically rational one in the United States.""
No doubt there are various ways one can disagree with those selected divorce lawyer statements, of course. But they do suggest there can be potentially predatory "wrong women" out there if they believe those things. Of course, a woman in an unhappy relationship might also be more likely to drift in that direction of focusing on money? And the first links on building better relationships can help prevent that.
All the best in building mutually healthy relationships and raising a happy family if that is what you want.
Maybe some subset of women. Unlikely all women.
Have you considered that perhaps bucketing a whole bunch of unique individuals into a single group may be a big part of the problem?
I mean, if you expect to be irritating to someone before you even meet them, you probably will be kind of irritating.
Try treating each person as unique and not assuming you know what they think before they have even met you?
* If you are wondering why people laugh at this, it's because goal-setting and high-level planning is so much easier than actually doing something, which is where it all fails. See also TODO bankruptcy.
I do not have parents to give advice, and no “marriage role models” to speak of. This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account.
It’s going to be a mess to get out of, but lesson learned…
I don't know a thing about you, but there are plenty of people (especially people who have bullied, who I suspect would be over-represented here) who aren't necessarily surrounded by toxic people but fail to advocate for themselves and communicate what they need.
If that describes you, then you're going to be "taken advantage of" by everyone, even people that don't want to have that sort of relationship.
I've become more assertive in my relationship over the last couple of years and it's done wonders. There's a guy who works for me that needs to do the same too...
imo that this feeling comes up in most marriages. might be a good idea to get some third-party feedback on your reflection(s) to asses whether there is as much basis to it as your feelings suggest or if it can be worked out.
a long relationship has some value in itself, so the opportunity cost of a unneeded divorce could be huge.
It is clear that most people go to lengths to try and find the right partner to marry. I am sure there are exceptions, but "this first person I just ran into walking down the street will do" is not the norm. Even if the first person you ran into on the street is who you marry, there will traditionally be a vetting (i.e. dating) process first to make sure you still believe it is the right choice after closer inspection. It is safe to say that the importance of finding the right person is generally accepted as an imperative to marriage.
Will mistakes be made? Sure. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Things happen. Random chance bites everyone in some way eventually. But that doesn't mean it won't affect things.
The typical family lifestyle is not for everyone and the propaganda pushing it is very strong from day 0. It took me about a decade to get over the feeling of "I am a piece of shit" for not participating in the circus that most of us think is perfectly normal and/or mandatory.
Several, in the tens of dozens.
This question keeps getting 'told at' the polygamous community.
It is true, people break up, people in polygamous relations have more breakups because - they involve more people - more people get broken up.
And yeah, it is harder: one bad seed ruins the bunch, so to speak, so poly break up happen more often, sure...
This kind of 'question' is showing preconceived notions and bigotry that all polygamous relationships are unhealthy.
>> At some point a hierarchy is established whether by intent or by necessity.
Some people are very anti-hierarchy, and despite your assumptions: hierarchy is not a foregone conclusion.
>> I know multiple families destroyed by such endeavors
If you start off mono and bring N+1: you're going to have a bad time (more than likely). Poly doesn't fix a broken relationship, and it wasn't poly that was the problem (if poly was being proposed as a solution).
>> I would caution against the division of affection.
I would caution against withholding love from the world for hierarchical reasons.
What's the consequences of withholding affection?
A colder/harsher world.
Compared to the hundreds of millions of current non-poly marriages?
Regardless, poly is a non-starter without a significant male deficit ie post war that wipes out 20%+ of the male population.
There are hobbies for sure, but when you spend 80,000 Hours in a career which you feel helps no one but you with your income, you might find mid-life there are more-important things.
https://www.effectivealtruism.org/ & https://80000hours.org/
You say "why won't people help in San Francisco". This betrays a severe misunderstanding of effectiveness. How many thousands of dollars would a single individual need to give to a charity working in SF to help one person as much as they can with a $2 donation to AMF (Against Malaria Foundation - providing protection from malaria for 3 years). People are people, regardless of where they were born, and helping more people is better than helping fewer.
"Most people will see [this activity] as very out of touch". So what? Most people saw gay rights as out of touch, most people still see animal welfare / animal rights activities as "out of touch".
The following video by Peter Singer is a good intro to Effective Altruism and the philosophy behind it. His essay "Famine, Affluence, and Morality" was one of the primary influences on the founders of the movement.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Diuv3XZQXyc
It's true that more recently many people in the movement have shifted their focus from global health and development to areas like AI risk and biosecurity. Whether or not you agree with working on these areas, I don't think the people working on them are doing it cynically. I think they are motivated to work on these areas because they believe it will do the most good for humanity.
I don't have any experience with the actual culture of EA, but the concept and the philanthropy itself seems at least as good as other charities or mission-focused organizations.
Like spending £15M for real estate [0].
As selfish as it sounds, saving (an expected) 186.328 lives in Africa will not create the "feel-good chemicals" that teaching a kid to ride a bike will.
Rationally, it's a good thing. But emotionally, I don't think it's actually all that effective.
As a result, I changed my career path (slightly! not even a whole blow-up-your-life thing) a year ago and have been happier since.
I also really liked the book Four Thousand Weeks, which is all about figuring out how you want to spend your finite lifetime.
> Do you want to be self-employed? Or do you just need some time off from your normally-tolerable day job? Do you truly want washboard abs, or just to see an energetic, healthy person in the mirror for once?
And:
> There can also be things you think you want (a law degree; a Walden-like shack in the woods) that you mistake for what you really want (your father’s approval; a less obnoxious boss), which may be vastly easier, or vastly more difficult, to acquire.
You know what most people want? Happiness. Acceptance. To not have to deal with people who don't love or respect them, and to spend time with people who do.
Here at HN, the personality type that is most dominant is the maximiser - trying to increase productivity, income, live life a little more fuller or longer. Fine.
And yet, regularly, a thread emerges asking what it's like to ditch the progress so far and change direction. "How hard is it go give up being a Senior Java engineer and become a farmer?", is a question that will garner answers, attention and upvotes.
It's possible you've chosen a career or lifestyle or group of friends that aren't very you.
My take is don't choose goals - don't try and decide on the destination of what you want. Instead, choose processes, choose a way of living that makes you happy, and make small changes right now.
Another way of thinking about this is: don't choose outputs, choose inputs.
Choose your processes, your inputs, what happens when you wake up each day, the values you stay true to. Don't try and choose outputs and work backwards from them. Trust me, I've tried both, and the latter is miserable - you don't even get to be happy for long when you achieve a goal. The article touches on that, but I can't stress this enough:
When you achieve something that has taken you a long time to achieve, the pleasure of doing so lasts a short while. What you'll focus on when you look back is how you got there, so choose that carefully.
I'd also advise carefully considering how to measure progress. You might think you want to be rich (a goal), and think you need the lifestyle to get rich (the process), but you might actually just want financial independence - living a contented life spending less than you bring in - and they are not the same thing. You can have the latter without the former (especially as a tech worker), with a very different process to the one you'd choose to "get rich".
You might think you want to weigh X pounds or kgs, but you might actually want the things that you think are exclusive to that but maybe are not: better fitting clothes, being more physically attractive, better health. There things you can do today - different ways of being - that contribute immediately. Cut down on smoking, recreational drugs (including alcohol) and spending money on better clothes rather than takeaways means you'll be better tomorrow than you were today with just a change of direction on where you put your time, money and effort.
You might think you want to be on the front cover of Wired and touted as the next hot thing, but perhaps - like many of the people who have had that experience - what you actually needed was more people around you who like you just as you are right now.
That doesn't mean you should stop looking for personal growth and the big goals. Sure, get rich, get sexy, be likeable and get respected, do that work. I'm just saying the journey counts at least as much as the destination, and the journey can start the moment you get to the end of this sentence.
Interestingly this is a staple of Eastern philosophy that I heard growing up. The advise was to focus on our actions but not the fruit of our actions.
Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned by the modern society to prioritize goals over ideals and then be unhappy/frustrated/annoyed when we either don’t “get what we want” or do but feel unfulfilled because it didn’t bring us the satisfaction we sought, or it was too short-lived, and now we want “more”.
Completely agree, though my 'word' differs - I use 'system'. I didn't set out to lose 6kg of myself - I decide to walk more and I bought a bicycle, and I use it. The weight fell off me because of the system...choose a system, not a goal.
you can't fail with a system, because it's not measureable as success or fail. Only lost 5kg in three months? Fail. Eating well and exercising will get you somewhere
For example, "walking more" or "cycling more" is definitely going to help lose weight in a gradual fashion, but the reason I am walking the amount I am and not cycling at all, is because a) I find these activities boring, and b) I have many more interesting/important (to me) things to do with that time. I can't see myself engaging in an activity I dislike - cycling (or most outdoor activities) - unless I do it for a reason that's interesting/important enough to displace something else I'm already doing. Losing weight is such a reason, but that reason is also a goal.
I didn't used to love walking, until I found a reason to.
In urban areas I looked up and started noticing things. I researched buildings, and local geography.
In rural areas, I started figuring out bird calls and breeds, started understanding the trees and flora around me.
I decided to use that time to get curious. And now, I love walking.
If you think "sure, I have this rough goal of exercising more, but it sure as heck bores me", deciding to focus on the goal just means every time you fail at doing more exercise you a) are just as far away as you were before and b) are now blaming yourself for not being disciplined enough.
How about you choose some inputs that you know roughly align to that goal, but you choose inputs that you can get motivated by?
Perhaps going to the gym bores you, so fine, don't go. Perhaps your exercise is playing sport, or swimming, or walking and exploring the World around you, or perhaps it's just getting a standing desk. Just pick something and try and it, and then if it doesn't work, think about why and what to change and try something else.
> What would it take for you to find walking interesting?
Is... no longer feeling like everything is slipping away or collapsing around me; no longer being stuck treading water. It's more of a therapy problem than HN-on-exercising problem.
I never particularly cared for nature, and still don't - except at the biomolecular level, where life fuels my dream/curiosity of functional nanotech. But this is separate to enjoying a walk down the park, or a hike with friends, which I realize I don't mostly because of the internal stress about not doing something better with that time. The few moments I take the plunge or get forced into a situation where I can't do anything but enjoy the time outside, after initial anguish they become relaxing. But I can't make myself engage in such things on my own, not without having some convincing excuse for this helping to get me out of my various predicaments.
I realized this is just advice for myself, so that I'll walk more!
It should be expanded to include the capability to discern between:
* Wants, needs, must have(s): too often people seek wants and disregard needs.
* Emotionally-driven wants vs rationally-driven wants: today's world hacks people's mind to make only emotionally-driven decisions, to their own detriment.
If we allow that most people want the right things and have a sufficiently clear concept of what they want, why then do many of them not achieve it? This is barely addressed in the skimpy last paragraph: "The Real Barrier to Getting What You Want: Social and emotional factors it make it seem more complicated than that... But it’s our conflicting desire for predictability and comfort that is the real invisible fence... But once we take [innate fearfulness] on board—that fear and uncertainty always come along for the ride in any worthwhile endeavor—it becomes simple."
This is something I've been questioning lately. Do I want what I want? Or are social influences making me think this is what I want?
Personally, I would be miserable if the people around me didn't approve of me, even if it's for their own selfish reasons.
That's the pickle in all of this though. I don't want to lose the comfort I have. I want to maintain this current level of comfort, but also have some excitement in my life, something to go after. Comfort breads complacency for sure.
Alternative: Watch Netlfix series "Arnold"
In contrast, the series, Arnold, about how Arnold Schwarzenegger set and achieved his goals as a bodybuilder, actor and politician was well done, fascinating and inspiring.
https://www.france24.com/en/20110104-schwarzenegger-steps-do...