The Freedom and Perils of Living Alone | Hacker News Reader

The Freedom and Perils of Living Alone

nytimes.com

159 pointsluckystrike49 comments

That article both spoke to me and seemed foreign; I've lived alone for all but two years of the last 20 (since high school), and I do "spread out" in many of the ways it describes. But, when I do get to temporarily "live with" someone---when I'm home at my parents' house, when I'm sharing a hotel room at a conference, when I'm visiting friends for a few days---my experience is totally opposite the article. I look forward to having the temporary roommate, I sleep with the door open at my parents', I prefer the living room couch to a tucked-away guest bedroom at my friends' houses, because I like being aware of and part of the bustle of everyone living there.

In contrast, my friends who are married or living together treat those temporary thrown-together situations as maximally distasteful. They want a separate private room, they disdain sharing rooms at conferences unless they have to. When I've asked about it, I'm often given a line about how "when you're older" you want your private time, but many of them aren't that much older than me (and a few are younger), so that's always rung hollow. I wonder if it's just that this is their time to have a "Day of Chad"? ;)

I'm in the opposite boat. Grew up with lots of siblings, had roommates all through college, got married young.

Believe me, even a few hours of solitude are things to be treasured. I wouldn't give up the life I have now for anything, but in my "grass is greener" moments, that's what I wish for the most. Long stretches of time in which to do my own thing entirely unpreturbed.

I live with my wife and our two young children, but from ages 23-29, I lived alone. While living alone (especially sans significant other), I used to think, "Oh, it would be so wonderful to come home to a house full of activity." Now, I am beginning to resent the family cat because its presence (and seemingly continuous interest in being fed, going outside, coming inside, etc.) makes it impossible for me to be without distraction, even if my wife and kids have gone somewhere. The grass is always greener, I guess. I've turned what was originally designed to be a formal living room into my office, complete with locking door and couch. This helps, but it's hard for a two year-old to understand why daddy doesn't want to come out and play.

One peril of living alone is that it becomes very easy to indulge in self-destructive behaviors with no one to check on you.

Eating poorly; sleeping poorly; having too much dust, filth, or random junk around the house; not going outside; not exercising enough; not getting social interacting in the minimal needed amount, obsessing over the wrong aspects of your work.... This sort of things.

Not all of these are problematic for all people, but to the extent some are problematic for a given person, they tend to form a vicious cycle - people do bad things to themselves from lack of awareness or temporarily depleted willpower, and those behaviors in turn cause even less self-awareness and reduce the willpower reserves further.

For that reason I am contemplating some sort of a software-based aid that helps one person to periodically check on the other person's daily routine from a distance to make sure they haven't fallen into this sort of a "depression trap". I tentatively call it "a brother's keeper" project, although realistically it's more likely to be the subject's parents or childhood friends who will bother to check daily on how many minutes he or she spent outside and how many meals did they have per day, and whether there were enough nutrients in it. The point would be not to nag the subject daily, but to catch the moment they are falling off the bus, so to speak, and either intervene, summon other friends, or get professional help.

One peril of living alone is that it becomes very easy to indulge in self-destructive behaviors with no one to check on you. Eating poorly; sleeping poorly; having too much dust, filth, or random junk around the house; not going outside; not exercising enough; not getting social interacting in the minimal needed amount, obsessing over the wrong aspects of your work.... This sort of things.

Although perhaps less likely, these problems can also easily happen, if you are hanging around the wrong influences.

The only time I've had a sink full of dirty dishes complete with rotting food and flies is when I was spitefully waiting for my roommate to clean them up because it was "his turn".

You could try going away for 2 weeks.

It won't result in them washing the whole pile, but they will be forced to wash something and realise that it doesn't hurt that much.

There will still be a pile of dirty plates (plus the boxes from the pizzas they ordered for the first week, until they ran out of cash) when you get back, but at least you will see a slight improvement in your roommate's habits.

how about he does all dishes both his and roomates, then figure out other types of chores they can do to balance it out, like mowing lawns and/or grocery shopping. better to focus on results and time spent instead of being right and miserable.

Ultimately, I ended up solving the problem categorically by not having roommates. The other solution is to dump the dirty dishes in his bed.

It might only be me, but I'm pretty sure I have the best of both worlds. I live with my wife (no kids), and we're both quirky as hell. When we go out, we act normal, but at home we do whatever we want. I'm very introverted, but comfortable enough with her that it really isn't that different from living alone, as she allows me time when I need it.

It's even better though, because if I lived alone I'm pretty sure I would never eat or go out. Having her with me means someone looks out for me and keeps me fed. Plus whenever I just need a break, she is more than happy to let me lay next to her as she unwinds from her day. I've always been a great listener because when I need a break I don't want to think, and thus don't feel my normal need to solve all her problems, another think she really appreciates.

I guess this turned into a brag session, but I think if you can find someone to live with who you can totally be yourself with, then that is possibly preferable to living alone. Plus it means reduced costs, etc. I can certainly see the appeal of living alone, but it seems strange to me as anything other than a temporary solution while you find someone to live with, whether that's a roommate/life partner/spouse.

I lived alone for a very long time after roommates became too much of a stressor, and it was pretty cool. Nowadays I live with my girlfriend, and it's quite similar to how you describe it. We end up developing shared quirks or quirky ways of communicating.

Living with someone has weird effects though. I've forgotten how to get or prepare only enough food for one person at a time.

Just freeze the rest.

I live alone (for 15 months so far) and love it and will never live with someone else again (well, until my attitude changes) but one thing I also do is work from home... I often go up to 7 days without seeing another human being and when I do it's either a McDonalds server or a pizza delivery guy, this part is turning me insane.

I have absolute control over my environment, if I don't like a noise or the heat or a smell I fix it, this isn't the reality most people have so when my financial/employment situation changes I will have to adjust very rabidly, with that in mind I've made the decision to move into an environment less desirable than the one I have now (working from an office) but I think it's for the best. At least I'll have a 2 bedroom apartment to myself to hide in at weekends if it is terrible.

Living alone is wonderful and I always find it strange how people can live with others, I can understand the desire people have for human interaction but being able to wake up and then go to bed without having seen another person in the waking period is just so great, true freedom. Maybe it just comes down to control.

I often go up to 7 days without seeing another human being

This is why I don't live alone.

If you don't work from home this isn't a concern, but yes working from home and living alone and not having friends is a recipe for crazy.

Well, even if you don't work from home, it's a good idea to regularly see people besides your co-workers.

This is, of course, presuming something like a non-customer facing office job. If you work in retail, live by yourself to your heart's content.

Go for a walk, always eat outside, visit some random place (art gallery, martial arts dojo, etc.) - that fixed it for me...

I felt great when I first got my own apartment. So much freedom! Nobody borrowing and misplacing my tools. None of my food missing from the fridge. Nobody slamming the door at 6am or bringing home a loud groups of strangers at midnight on a Wednesday.

After a few years it got old. I realized I actually really like living with people, I just happened to have been living with selfish assholes. :-)

"A music manager and record producer who works from his railroad apartment in Brooklyn, Mr. Sherwood, 40, said he’ll go to bed at 2 a.m. one night, and then retire later and later by increments, “until I go to bed when the sun comes up.” "

Glad it's not just me who does that :-D...

I have had my most productive times when when i allow myself to do this. Would like to see an academic treatment of the subject.

Been there too... I call it a 26/27 hour clock. On the day that would end with a sunrise, I'd take it off, but stay up, taking it easy (but tired) and push through until a "normal" bedtime, sleep like a baby and wake up the next day with a reset schedule.

I tried that - just end up sleeping more. Somehow, when I reach the point where I go to sleep at 12pm, it just resets :-).

By the way, this schedule only starts happening when I don't have anything to do during the day - if I have anything scheduled, I'd stay awake (although feel quite tired sometimes)...

I enjoyed this article. I've lived with other people my whole life and it seems most young people I know live as roommates even into their 30's (if they are not cohabitating with an S.O.) I have had "Days of Chad" though and wonder what it would be like to love totally alone. I personally would just feel less social and more bored.

I think that happens if you let it. I know people who are living alone who are still tremendously social, because their default answer when a friend asks “hey, do you want to come out and do X?” is “yes”. That's what makes the difference.

So I think you can be less social and more bored, but you can just as easily use it to become more of those things, by socializing with more people more often instead of a single room mate more often than not. It also depends on what you mean by social. For example, you can probably explore sexual interests more easily if you're living alone.

Basically, you remove any forced social interactions by living alone. You have to build and find them for yourself.

I typically become less social when in a relationship. When living alone I'll jump at the chance to go out with friends, but in a relationship it seems far less appealing to go out.

The question is whether that's less social. Maybe less externally social, but if that's the case it seems like it's because your significant other is fulfilling your need for social interaction. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, really.

This is exactly right. I actually became more social when I got married, but not because I'm going out anywhere, just I now have a built-in, zero friction way to be social.

I've lived alone for almost 4 years now. I don't crave companionship and am perfectly fine with my own thoughts (introvert).

Boredom only sets in if you have nothing interesting to do. My apartment is sparse; no television, empty walls, no game console (asides from 3DS/iPad), no way to entertain people who come over outside of whatever I can display on the computer.

How the hell is that enjoyable? You find the things you like and focus on that. Personally I like to code, workout, and consume stuff on the net. Coding takes up 60% of my waking hours, 20% at the gym, and 20% for everything else. I just really enjoy doing those things. Rarely do I get bored.

I've also lived with siblings when younger, and multiple roommates in college. There are ups and downs to being alone and being with other's. The nice thing about being alone is you're responsible for yourself and nobody else. With roommates, you have to take on extra overhead unless everyone pitches in 100% (rare). A downside of being alone, you have to do "everything" yourself, and can't offload to someone else.

If you're a very social person, or need other's around to talk to and keep you entertained, living alone probably won't work out so well. If you like lots of alone and quiet time, and can entertain yourself, living alone may be something worth trying out.

And for the record, I don't do any of that weird stuff they mention in the NYT piece. ...except for walking around naked sometimes in the morning. That seriously kicks ass. ;)

Hah, that's almost like my apartment(s) - I have just two laptops and my phone, everything's on them (and no one can use them because they're very different... not that I'd let anyone use my laptop :-)). No TV, nothing to entertain, empty shelves, no photos on walls, everything clean like I just moved in. I don't even eat at home. Anything that requires social interaction is done outside my apartment (the beauty of living in the city) - it's just for me.

P.S. I've also grown up with siblings, lived with other people - I don't like that, I really like privacy, I guess :-)...

It sounds like we'd make perfect roommates! ;)

I hate to be that person, but I have to ask: what's new that this article is telling me? The main point of the article seems to be that people living alone become eccentric without any "social checks"; that does hold sometimes but not always.

Great question actually.

My take on it is that news pieces like this aren't really meant to be "news". One of the primary reasons for reading news articles is to have something to talk about when you talk with people. Pieces that focus on things that are common knowledge pick up traction not because they're breaking stories, but because they let us have dialogues about things that just don't come up in ordinary conversation.

I'm sure theres plenty of "singletons" who love the opportunity to use this news piece as a talking point to reflect on the experience of living alone.

Things that "hold true sometimes but not always" are ALSO interesting to know.

You know, like how water boils at 100 oC but only sometimes (when you are on the sea level).

Come to think of it, with the exception of physical laws and tautologies, everything elses fits in the "holds true sometimes but not always" category.

Even wrong things. Like "if I put a pin into this voodoo doll, that person will suffer". Sometimes it works, by coincidence. How to tell the difference?

Its important to categorize knowledge as facts, opinions, wild theories, witchcraft, lies. Can't do it all by myself, my life is too short. So got to trust somebody (grandma, textbook, blogger, writer, televangelist).

There is only passing reference in the article to the health effects of living alone. (Chad, who has never lived alone, says he would "be a fat, out-of-work alcoholic".)

For instance, a quote from from this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2062934/Quick-better...

"The data showed those living alone was associated with a 21 per cent greater chance of dying of all causes, when compared to those living with someone".

I've lived alone and with roommates. The great thing about good roommates is you have the option of coming out and chatting when you feel like, and going and not being around them when you want to be alone.

That's pretty much the only thing I liked about the roommate thing (aside from the financial situation).

I like being alone a good deal when I'm home. It helps me think, and I can be as weird as I want. I think there's a great thing to be had when living alone, especially if you can find a physical social life that you fit into. Looking forward, I'll be living with a SO, and that will be a new experience. We'll see how it plays out.

This article doesn't seem to strongly distinguish between living with someone else in the same house/apartment/etc and living with someone else in actually the same room. There's a big difference there!

I don't see the difference, though - when I had people living in other rooms of the same apartment, they could've just as well been in my room - I couldn't focus because I'd always imagine someone interrupting me :-)...

You couldn't just close your door, or lock it if it came to that? Though in any case simply having space where one can literally be alone is valuable.

Even someone knocking on my door when I work is enough to totally distract me...

Hm, I'm evidently coming from a rather different context here. I'm thinking of things in terms of, if you close your door, people typically won't knock unless it's important, because if you were open to talking to people at the time, you would have left your door open or simply been in a public space rather than your room.

I went from living at home->college->living with a significant other. One of the major reasons we broke up was that I felt like I needed more space that I couldn't get while living together.

Now that I live alone, I often find myself missing having other people around. I'm on Couchsurfing and host almost everyone who applies, but the timing tends to be haphazard.

The article last week about the woman who funded her startup via Airbnb really intrigued me. I'm considering putting my apt up on Airbnb now, just to have more people around.

The quirks they pointed in the article seem relatively extreme.

I live with 2 other roommates and I don't seem them much these days because I work at home during the day. I feel so quiet sometimes being at home all alone. It is interesting that I will never know how an introvert feels staying home alone. The opposite is true an introvert will never know how a social person feels staying at home all alone.

Extreme? I sent the article to a friend who has lived alone for many years, as have I, and we laughed about how minor the eccentricities in the article seemed.

I am an introvert. When I moved in with my girlfriend, it was really difficult, because she couldn't understand I need some time alone, just using the laptop, tablet... But now we have both adapted to each others needs, and it works out pretty well. The biggest change for me is that I am now an early riser. Never was before for longer periods of time.

For me, I really enjoy living alone (less/zero distraction, more privacy). Admittedly, my sleep cycle is weird and the kind of meals I have may not be all that healthy. But I do exercise regularly to keep fit. Hopefully, I'd enjoy a better lifestyle when I finally settle down.

The article suggests there are people actively promoting living alone. I find myself questioning motive.

Who would stand to benefit most? People with a stake in property.

The internet is becoming more satasfying than marriage companionship and soon procreation, at least in the minds of the internet generation. When we create the holodeck on star trek, then human companionship will be in real trouble, I can get all the joys, minus the awful parts... Plus the added benefit of pressing pause, edit, augment, delete and start over.

In real trouble... Maybe reduced companionship will be voluntary population control.

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