My daughter taught me to fail more | Hacker News Reader

My daughter taught me to fail more

whitetailsoftware.com

73 pointstrustfundbaby23 comments

I'm teaching my daughters to view mistakes as learning something, not failing at something. It's amazing to see that it's becoming ingrained in their way of thinking. When they forgot their favorite Littlest Pet Shop figures at church last weekend my youngest daughter's immediate reaction was "Dad, I learned to not bring my favorite toys with me in case I forget them". That was her actual way of letting me know we had left them behind. She was not complaining about it all, which I think is a great way to look at life.

The way I teach them is in two ways: Whenever they show me something they have written or drawn I point out the spots where they have corrected mistakes i.e. by striking a word and say "Wow, look how much you learned!". And whenever they hurt themselves or mess up something bad enough to complain or cry about it, while I comfort them I ask "So, what did you learn?".

I've done this consciously for several years now and it is interesting to see that it is actually affecting how they think.

Relatedly I go out of my way to teach my 8 year old that there's no such thing as "being good at" something, only things to which you've applied yourself enough. (Though in adulthood this might sound a little trite -- I'm no good at guitar for example -- in childhood it's absolutely true.)

I think I'm going to steal your bit about failure being a lesson.

That's excellent, I too want my kids to know that they can do or accomplish anything with sufficient preparation. I try to work into their vocabulary (as well as my own) to say/think "Wow that person has trained a lot" when seeing feats of skill. When they themselves accomplish something I try to say "seems you have trained a lot!" rather than "nice drawing" or whatever.

Another hack I've applied in the way I talk with my kids is to sometimes say things that are obviously wrong. Starting with very obvious errors and as they grow older moving to more subtle lies about the way things work. If they don't catch the error I continue reasoning along the same line far enough into absurdity for them to get that I'm wrong. It makes them aware of questioning what people say and to think through themselves what is reasonable and what is not. And they now are very proud and happy whenever they are able to point out when I'm wrong about things.

I also never, ever proxy them towards other adults. If we are eating at a café and they want a napkin or buy another pancake they have to talk to the staff themselves. When they want ice cream I give them money and they have to buy it themselves. Because it is such an asset to be comfortable talking to people and getting what you want. It makes them believe in their own abilities.

As longs as you keep in mind that as you grow up, failing costs more, and often takes more time for you to realize the failure. If you just keep shooting in all directions, you might as well fail all and achieve nothing.

So do fail more, but also focus in achieving goals.

I think the lesson to take away here is to not take life sitting down. Stand up more often and keep trying when faced with adversity. To error is to be human but if we don't learn through our mistakes we are bound to do it again.

Most adolescence strives in it's innocence. It has not learned limitations of the body to give limitations of the mind. I do suggest never stop being a child. It's good advice from the perspective to never limit your imagination of what you are capable of.

We can learn so much from watching children: creativity, determination, love, honesty, etc.. A lot of people look at having kids as an obstacle to their careers. I found the opposite to be true. I've learned so much from playing with them. That combined with the desire to set a good example for them makes me push harder in everything I do.

I understand that this example is just an anaology, but there is a fine line that the author doesn't acknowledge between trying something new and difficult to stretch your boundaries, and taking too big of a risk that may compromise other aspects of your life. Taking any risks shouldn't be a flip-of-the-coin situation. Yes, the word risk is subjective so hopefully you can see how I interpreted it.

Being reminded of the carefree mindset of a toddler in reference to trying new things was refreshing. As a 24 year old single male, toddlers are the last thing on my mind. There are a lot of little things to forget about when you have no interaction with them.

When I was a youngster skiing, we used to say, "If you're not wiping out, you're not trying hard enough."

Fear of failure limits your potential. How many of us have raised our hand and asked a "stupid" question about something we didn't understand in class or a company meeting only to find that most everyone else in the class/meeting was wondering the same thing - but was afraid to ask because they were afraid to look stupid?

> How many of us have raised our hand and asked a "stupid" question about something we didn't understand in class or a company meeting only to find that most everyone else in the class/meeting was wondering the same thing - but was afraid to ask because they were afraid to look stupid?

The fear isn't without cause, though. If you do ask these legitimate and useful questions all the time, some people will start thinking of you as "that guy who doesn't know anything". If these people are responsible for pay raise, promotions or other benefits, you will be left out.

It's not a good or acceptable scenario, by any means, but it pays to try to understand the nature of the otherwise irrational fear.

If pay is based on performance, the guy asking the "stupid" questions is going to be the one making progress while the colleages who stay ignorant are going to fall behind. In the end, it isn't that the questions are stupid, it's the the asker is afraid of asking key/necessary questions for fear of looking stupid.

Falling back to the skiing anology; the guy who never wipes out never gets very good either.

Can someone instantiate an example of when it would be better to fail more? I feel the author's advice is too abstract for me to appreciate.

I don't believe the text is about failing more, it is rather trying to solve it by yourself first, and if you fail repeatedly and exhausted every solution then ask for help.

Don't know why but this text made me remember Shunryu Suzuki's "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind".

I believe that you could call this epiphany a change of perception. To his kid, the world is a challenge, and the opinion of others (or the perception of opinions of others), ego, reputation don't matter. Failing, in this new light, does not matter; it is simply the fastest way to discover one less way to try the next time.

Say, for instance, public speaking. We are all familiar with the feeling of fear when speaking in front of a group. However, going on stage and trying different stuff, is (quickly) going to get you better at speaking. I could watch a million YouTube movies about public speaking, but actually trying and failing is the shortest way to getting actually better at it. Only when analyzing what could go better, watching those movies can provide valuable input for a next try (asking an expert is even better). The thing is: negativity and fear (of criticism) often gets the better of us, way before we fail enough to succeed. This often when we hear: "I'm just not a natural born speaker" and stop trying. - Guess what, almost no-one is. Just don't be afraid to fail.

Its not about failing more, its that you cannot be successful at something until you try it, and its likely you wont immediately be great at whatever that is. It will take practice, you will make mistakes - but thats OK as long as you are resilient. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, Practice, Practice.

You can give people wisdom and advice, but the most important lessons cant be told; until you actually try and fail, you wont listen. Examples include: dont build consumer startups, b2b is way better. Co-founding a startup with someone living 3,000 miles away is a bad idea. Solid legal contracts are very important.

Certainly:

Person A tries to do something, fails, and in order to not fail again givesup.

Person B tries to do the same thing, fails, then tries again and fails, and tries again and fails, each time learning something more until on the 100th time they succeed.

Person A failed once, person B failed a hundred times, person B is better off for they have learned how to succeed rather than given up.

If you avoid doing something for fear of failure you're worse off than if you fail at it until you get it right.

“Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill

That's not a real-world example. It's still pretty abstract.

Person A plays a game of chess and loses. Then he wont try again, because "I'm not good at it".

Person B plays a game of chess and loses. Then he loses again. And again. Then he wins. (Then he finds a stronger opponent and starts again.)

Person A didn't gain anything, while person B found a new hobby that he enjoys spending his time with. Of course, this example only works if both were interested in chess and A really gave up, rather than just figuring out that chess isn't his thing.

Man invents great fried chicken recipe. Tries to sell it. Fails. Tries to sell it. Fails. Repeats this cycle 1000+ times until eventually someone buys. People call him Colonel Sanders.

When the fear of failure prevents innovation ans progress. Which is too common in the corporate environment.

Thumbs up.

I think the point to get from this post is to not allow failure stop you from achieving absolute success. Or as they put it during "those" days, try and try until [die] succeed.

I second.

Also, I think, the author would like you to keep pushing for whatever it is that you desire. Because really, it's impossible to not succeed when you just go for it.

The enemy is not failure, it is boredom. With failure you learn, with boredom you don't.

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