Ask HN: Where have you found community outside of work? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Where have you found community outside of work?

478 pointsplemer567 comments

Asking for myself and those who are looking for what good communities often provide: feeling of connection, purpose, a place to go, etc.

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My neighborhood. When we moved in we sat out front every evening, and made small talk with every single person who walked by. Some were caught off guard, some kinda just waved and moved on, but most stopped to talk.

What's interesting is that people who had lived in that neighborhood nearly 20 years together had never talked, and met for the first time as both stopped to chat at nearly the same time.

Then we started with small gifts, usually food because my wife cooks exotic things for people to try. Now we get random gifts, usually food or fruits or some flower or plant.

Now we have little get togethers inviting each other, text to ask if need anything from the store, etc. And all it took was being willing to sit outside for a couple hours each night and say hi.

This worked for me, too (except I’m usually the one walking by rather than the one waving people over to chat).

If you don’t like small talk, a great way to interact with neighbors is to offer your help, e.g. if you see someone doing work outside, gardening, etc… offer to lend a hand!

Beautiful. Does it ever feel challenging in any way, like you're fighting against a social norm?

A little, but not terribly much. Maybe it's an age thing, I'm not that old (around 40), but I don't feel weird talking to people I don't know - I quite enjoy it. In fact, I felt rather sad since the rise of smartphones, because a lot of places I use to get small talk(barber, airport, etc), everyone is busy or feigning being busy. But when people are just out enjoying the air, they are more free to chat.

The biggest thing to put aside are first impressions/biases - ie, treating people that you wouldn't normally think you'd be friends with the same. As a lot of my neighborhood are older than we are, that was a lot of people. In a way it's like coworkers, you can't pick them, but some end up being great friends.

It also helped to have a really outgoing child. She'd go riding her bike around the neighborhood, and a few people stopped by because "the little girl on the bike said I should come meet you guys."

I will say it was easier, to me, to do so when first moving in. I personally would feel weird if I'd lived somewhere a long time and never bothered to meet anyone, then started acting more social out of nowhere. But that's probably just in my head.

Started doing this to a limited extent. For years I'd have never dreamed of doing this, as I did not want to feel obliged to casual acquaintances, i.e. I feared expectation of friendship that I did not want to reciprocate. Turns out most people are just happy to leave things casual. I don't mind small talk.

Related to why I've had limited friendships. I've wanted fewer, high quality ones as overshooting my social needs is uncomfortable, and I'm a creature of habit. Used to overcorrect towards solitude and that backfires, but I've had friendships in the past where I dreaded having to meet.

I am curious. Which country do you live in?

Southwestern USA.

Which is kinda funny as my wife hates it and wants to move because gardening here is really hard-to-impossible, but she doesn't want to give up our great neighborhood, so we're at an impasse.

Gardening should be possible in the southwest, but you may have to utilize greenhouses or whatever the opposite of one is. Much of the "desert" will bloom if you pour enough water on it (and drip irrigation does wonders).

But you can't do a "midwest" style garden.

Right, and we're used to that style of gardening (and tropical, we've lived all over). Here the main problems are that the soil is completely garbage, it never rains, and there's too much sun. She's had limited success planting things in large bags full of garden soil, watering every day, and building a system of shades from the afternoon sun - it's just a big hassle compared to gardening in a lot of the eastern side of the US.

Yep. The first can be repaired, the second compensated for, but the third is the killer. You either have to vastly move the growing season (growing in winter seems strange) or you have to learn new tricks that don't "feel right" like growing things up against a building to get shade half the day.

Composting can be a great way to improve the soil, but it takes years to really get going. But if you're going to be there for years ...

And maybe you could even get "donations" from neighbors! I know one person who setup compost jars for her neighbors to get more compostables.

Gardening isn't easy to get started. Most people end up living in houses that have poor soil (fill dirt) and dont realize how much you need to water to have success. Automatic irrigation with sprinklers and timers is critical otherwise things will die while you go on vacation. Your gardening season is probably offset from the rest of the country with a dead zone in the July/august when you get heat kill.

My wife for example likes to water for 5-10 seconds and that basically does nothing, you have to water significantly more as you need to put down 1/2" a day or more during the peak. It would take forever to do that with just a garden house and the pots you have can probably barely hold the water required to last a day. Reference https://earlywarning.usgs.gov/ssebop/modis for you area.

Also if you aren't buying compost by the truck load you probably aren't buying enough. For the first run you need like 6+ yards to fill up a couple beds, and the next year that will decompose to half and you will need to fill up again. Spend a bit more buy the good stuff (ask online whats good locally), the city waste compost is not great stuff has plastic and shit you will never get out plus it holds water poorly due to all the filler they add.

Thanks, I love the idea of living in this kind of a neighborhood. I have been living in an apartment building for close to a decade now and I don't know a single person on my floor or in my building. I don't even know who my neighbor is.

I'm not the person you're replying to, but we did this in an LA suburb.

Among other things that have resulted from it:

One of our neighbors invites everyone over for 4th of July every year. We have a block party where we block off the street once or twice per year. Neighbors have been over for backyard parties, my wife goes to birthday lunches with the wives on the street, and there's a giant text thread where people ask for help/etc for things.

During the first year of covid, we did a special neighborhood Halloween, where everyone on the block put out bags of candy for neighborhood kids to go house to house and pick up.

> where everyone on the block put out bags of candy for neighborhood kids to go house to house and pick up.

Is this usual in the region, or perhaps did I misunderstand you? Don't the kids usually walk up to the doors and ring, and then you personally hand out candy to them?

During covid lots of people didn't want to do a normal trick-or-treat.

So we arranged something in our immediate neighborhood - about 20 houses - to create a bag of candy for each kid in those houses. We left them on the lawn and each family with kids took their turn going around to each house to get their bag of candy.

So it was less "go to random people's houses" and more "let's get together and make sure halloween isn't cancelled".

It's sad that modern American yards are so unfriendly to sitting in your front yard, but that can be easily fixed, even within the boundaries of over-zealous HOAs or towns.

Just make a cute little "gate" (it doesn't even need the gate) with flowers at the end of the walkway near the sidewalk, and add in a table and some chairs (or move them out when you go to sit).

Being at the sidewalk vs being 20-40 feet away on a porch makes a huge difference.

I agree. In my opinion, it's another manifestation of individualism promoted by the capitalist system in the US - in urban design, in this case. Another commenter pointed out how they only see their neighbour when they both walk to or from their car at the same time. It sounds sad to me, but some might prefer it that way.

It’s mostly just fashion, no need to read into it so much with your own personal biases. Although it can serve a purpose if your house is on a busy road. It’s quieter the further you are from traffic.

Setbacks are often required but there’s quite a bit you can do even with that. Front yard barbecues are great!

There's a rented row cottage near my office where the front fence is made from timber pallets, and appears like a bar with built-in succulent plantings. The tenants at the time used to drag out stools and sit there and chat like it was a wine bar.

We've put seats out on our front porch with a view to one day remembering to actually sit on them. So far, it's just the neighbourhood cats snoozing there when the sun hits the right spot.

New Orleans has stups and porches. People use them. You have to meet your neighbors somehow.

Retired city planners never envisioned a world where we were so collectively anxious/antisocial that waving and inviting someone onto your porch 20-40 feet from the sidewalk would be considered a “sad” state of affairs. Is it the planning that’s in a sad state?

This isn't really the case outside of far-flung suburbs and rural areas. Where I live, setbacks of more than 6 feet or so are rare, and front porches and stoops right off the heavily used sidewalks are the norm. We do "porch hangs" with our in-building neighbors, our kids and the kids in the neighboring buildings do sidewalk chalk together, we hang out at the local parks together, bring over friends from nearby neighborhoods, and talk with other parents and stuff.

Being a parent in a child-friendly neighborhood helps a ton with finding a community. Before we had a kid, we'd do things like welcome new neighbors with treats from our favorite bakery and our phone number if they needed anything, being generous with our time and things, etc.

I'm prepared for this to be an unpopular opinion, but I'm glad my neighbors don't do this.

I know my neighbors well enough. We check each other's mail when they're away and will help out in other ways.

But I have lots of friends to keep up with outside of my neighborhood -- people I have a lot in common with -- my neighbors, not so much. If they wanted to talk with me each time I saw them coming or going, I would likely start actively avoiding them so I could get on my way.

i'm sure you can just say hi and move on.

Then just wave and move on, GP and his wife will not sequestrate you to make you mingle.

You would love my next door neighbors. They moved in the same week we did 2 years ago. We saw them when they first drove up and enters their garage (middle age couple). Since then, nobody has ever seen them. They never have lights on in their house at night. They never answer their door. They never open their garage and drive away. They never have packages or anything else delivered. They only way we know they are still alive is their trash bins go out and are taken back in every week (though nobody has ever seen them do it) and in the winter you can see the white smoke/condensation from their utility vents.

Where does the trash come from?

Brought in through underground tunnels .

We assume they are leaving in the dead of night and grocery shopping at one of the 24 hour grocery stores. Maybe they have packages delivered somewhere they can pick them up in the dead of night. There is always someone around during the day, so for sure somebody would have seen them come or go if they were doing so during the day in the past 2 years. Our conjecture is either they are vampires (which is unlikely since it was daytime when they first arrived) or they are in the witness protection program.

I just remembered another detail. They have grass in their front yard. It is cut, but a service has never come by and cut it and, of course, we’ve never seen them cut it. But we don’t hear any sounds in the dead of night of it being cut and it doesn’t look like it was cut with a scythe. Frankly, it’s a mystery.

They are one of the Matrix communication ports...

It sounds like you're in the cohort of "some just waved and moved on."

it's a little dramatic to say it's an unpopular opinion for you to not want to exchange deep hour-long life stories with your neighbor every interaction. of course!

i'm replying because the fact you mention "i know my neighbors well enough" is already the ideal that OP is speaking on. in todays world you can literally not acknowledge your neighbor's existence in all directions and get along 100% just fine. i mean, "borrowing sugar" is why instacart exists!

no no no, you're already doing lovely and agreeing with OP that neighbors, as real human people to honor as existing, is a good thing.

Yeah there’s a Seinfeld for that

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kiss_Hello

>My neighborhood

I have a question. What kind of place do you live in? Is it houses that are apart by some distance -lawns/treelines separating y'all etc-, is it houses that are built next to each other, is it duplexes/townhomes etc?

Excellent question. I live in a neighborhood where each house has 1 acre of land, so a couple hundred feet between houses? Maybe 100-150 houses in the neighborhood. Perfectly flat, few to no big trees or shrubs that would obscure a house - it's in a desert, after all.

What's funny is I picked it because I was tired of having bad neighbors in my previous city. I told my wife this way, I can have bad neighbors, but at least they'll be bad neighbors way over there (pointing). Nearly everyone I've met in this neighborhood said that they picked it for the same reason. And they are the best neighbors I've ever had. So...try to find a neighborhood full of people who want to be away from neighbors?

In a typical evening, how many neighbors walk by?

I used to live in a suburb with literally 10x the density, and the only time I ever saw my immediate neighbors was if we both happened to be walking from our front doors to our cars at the same time.

As it gets very hot here, people generally only go out for walks at two times of day, which makes it easier - early morning, and evening. In a typical evening, we'd probably see 10-15 people go by. Most walking a dog or pushing a stroller around. We don't have sidewalks here - there's so little traffic everyone just walks in the street.

This question alludes to thoughts about front-yard design space. As houses get closer together, residents still want both connection and privacy. A raised area (porch, patio, etc), frequently provides this. With a raised porch that goes right to the sidewalk, a resident could move their chair close to the edge to talk to pedestrians or move chair away from sidewalk toward house for less talking.

The playborhood people did a similar thing to GP: "Mike also made another simple-but-radical move: In a neighborhood in which front yards are for admiration only, Mike installed a picnic table, close to the sidewalk, where he and his family often sat, so that people walking by would have to talk to them." https://archive.is/uLa77#selection-749.0-749.254

Maybe I'm inferring a subtext here, but I think you're asking about how environment facilitates this. It's definitely true that homes with lawns make this easier than say apartments. Part of this is that you're more likely to spend time outside owning a home as you need to simply work on the yard. But the main causal factor is likely just seeing people frequently. Like one reason it was easier to make friends in school was simply because you sat next to people and see them every day. That builds relationships. The same thing happens with work, you spend 8+ hrs a day there with the same people. Some businesses try to curb this, which is curbing natural human interactions and others encourage it too much which feels forced. Weirdly the most significant factor to building relationships is spending time with people. More so than things like religion (correlates because time in church), politics, or other things that we think are major barriers and encourages us to turn to bubbles.

Right, I currently live in a townhouse and as the other posters posted, the only time we see our neighbors is when they get out of the car and go inside.

On the other hand, when I used to live in a single-floor-only apartment complex (more 'two apartments in a single building' built together), I used to interact with my neighbors quite a lot.

I do eventually want to move to a State where there is less brown and more green (arizona rn - so the prospect of sitting outside isn't that great during summer evenings), and where places are a bit more spaced apart. I like my privacy, but would still like to have okay-ish relationship with neighbors.

I've got a similar situation here in Baltimore. The community I'm a part of here is like nothing I've ever experienced. We actually have a neighborhood telegram chat of ~70 people where we post about neighborhood events, parties, etc. My wife and I have a great circle of friends within this community and it led us to buy a house a few years back(before the market got all wild). We just had our first kid, and there's plenty of other newborns popping up so I'm looking forward to seeing them all grow up together!

Is this Baltimore County or City? Up in Milford Mill, I wish I could say this was the case for my neighborhood.

Such a sweet idea! Really looking for ways to grow community in our neighborhood aswell.

Yes this exactly. I threw a block party last year and the community loved it and most were like "you know we haven't had one in years."

A year later and we've found lost dogs, gotten people employed and I have some of the best and strongest relationships in years - and my kids have a ton of others to hang with of all ages (7-15)

When in hard times, build Communities not bunkers

Based and grill-pilled.

We've been doing the same. I recently have gotten into brisket smoking, and for the last few weekends, my wife and kids have been out in the yard every Saturday all day smoking meats. At night we offer some to everybody who walks by.

It's really been nice.

Ah hell yea, smoked meats. Are you a fellow enjoyer of Sweet Baby Rays too?

I keep a bottle in the fridge just in case Mark comes over.

A cute friendly dog works wonders too.

I did just this a few days ago, it's incredible how many people will come up and ask to pet your dog. Some will keep moving quickly, others will talk about their own animals, and some will drop little hints about themselves to further a conversation. Aside from everything fun about a companion, it's really is a fantastic feeling to be able to see someones eyes light up, you're brightening up their day!

When my wife and I bought our house last year, we made bags of cookies and visited every neighbor to introduce ourselves. This has paid dividends. In our neighborhood we now have friends we see weekly, people to call upon if we're out of town and need someone to check on the house, and use of two neighbors' pools!

Brilliant idea - I think I'll try this in my neighborhood and at work where people seem to be walking alone all the time

I host two events. In fall, I’m the pancake breakfast guy and then in spring I’m the crawfish boil guy. I just put flyers on people’s doors before each event. I just think it’s fun and missed the sense of neighborhood community I had as a kid, had my “be the change you want” moment. My kid on the other hand gets a kick out of having everyone know his name and being a hyper local celebrity lol.

My kid would love you for the pancakes, and my wife for the crawfish boil.

Any tips/recipes for the boil? Assuming it's that cajun buttery stuff - I have to drive an hour to get some, and would love to be able to make it as good at home.

It’s not hard. Just takes a little practice, right/good equipment, and good ingredients. My main tip is get them live. Get them purged and cleaned if possible. Otherwise just another simple skill to learn but definitely don’t want poopy crawfish. I find people devour the potatoes and corn. Then about 4 lbs of crawfish per person (some people will eat none and some will eat 10 lbs so hard to estimate).

You can probably get the decent starter recipe online as it’s pretty basic and you’ll just start with a premix of spices. I wouldn’t recommend DIY approach for a bit on spices. Do a couple practice runs to build muscle memory and adjust how spicy(hot) you like it.

I grew up around it but even still I had to watch some YouTube videos to spark my memory of what the adults were actually doing. So just invest some time there as well.

Good luck with the boils!

Edit: to add, I also have to drive a bit. It was partially the genesis for this as I realized I somehow crossed this border where I was no longer near the gulf coast but inland and although I’m in same state it’s actually quite a different culture where I am versus closer to the coast.

awesome.

reminds me of The Balcony Movie (saw on Mubi).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e58xwcNzjb0

...and, this is kind of the idea behind this -- for apartment-dwellers.

https://myapartmentfamily.com/

This is just brilliant! It makes all the difference in a neighbourhood to have folks who seem to genuinely be friendly and caring staying very close by. My wife and I try to do this in neighbourhoods where we stay without being intrusive or too chatty. Works wonders.

It's funny, in a lot of mainland Europe (i.e. not UK, also not non-rural France IME) that's completely normal. People would rather sit at the front (even if they don't have a garden/balcony/anything at the front, just sit on the doorstep or chair in the street) with a coffee/smoke and chat to neighbours or nearest shopkeeper.

In the UK I think it's probably more common not even to use your private back garden with your own family, because the neighbours are using theirs this evening!

Reddit.com/r/fuckcars Reddit.com/r/suburbanhell

It’s not the sad isolating culture leading to cars it’s the reverse. Who wants to sit outside with cars driving nearby?

I'm in Boston, which is very walkable but have lived on major arteries and busy neighborhood roads. We still hang out on our porch with our neighbors all the time, as do lots of people here. It has nothing to do with vehicular traffic.

In my experience actually Americans are a lot more up for smalltalk with strangers than we are here in Europe.

In small towns in Spain is very common, when the weather is good people just sit outside their houses with a chair, and im talking about houses without garden whatsoever, they just sit on the street, of-course its secondary streets where there are almost no cars. Normally people stops to chat, and the more closer neighbors also come to sit.

Imagine doing that on a city such as NY.

This is so wholesome and has generally worked for us.

I have one thing to add if you can pull it off: get a dog, and walk the dog around then neighborhood. I've met so many cool people that way.

Volunteering. And before you brush it out skeptically, like "oh yeah right, those people", it really doesn't have to be anything you don't care about.

I volunteer at a boat house on the city lake nearby, just putting kids on pedal boats and kayaks. I don't even call it volunteering, I just love kayaks and water.

It's amazing how your perspective of time and people and service shifts, when you spend some time being "in service" to other people, instead of anxiously counting hours that you're being paid for — or could've been paid for — and maximizing "receiving".

I've confirmed for myself time and time again the advice I've read: if you have a busy life and want to increase a feeling that you have more time? — try spending your time for free, for example, volunteering.

I wish this wasn't brushed off, but when I suggest it, frequently, as a scientifically proven method of improving happiness, well, it gets brushed off. I guess it's really difficult to relate just how much it can improve your life. Some of the highlights of my entire life have been coaching 3rd/4th grade girls basketball at a YMCA. Yeah, it's a lot of work at the time, but the memories are priceless, and the benefit to the kids is definite - they tell me, years (and sometimes years and years - with a baby in their arms) later.

Can you share some source material for improved happiness?

Not the person you asked, but results of a quick search. I only gave each of these a quick scan, but it seems to be a well supported claim.

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-21685-006

https://docs.iza.org/dp1045.pdf

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5504679/

https://web.archive.org/web/20150113062433/https://www.baycr...

>scientifically proven method of improving happiness

Imma second request for that citation, chief.

I can definitely agree. I used to be very skeptical about how fun or healing volunteering could be. I started volunteering at an animal shelter and beyond being incredibly relaxing - I love animals - it's nice to switch from trying to optimize my career, code, education to just using my hands to help take care of something and meet new people.

My anxiety has gone down a lot since I started doing this and I was able to meet some new people. Strongly recommend trying to volunteer with something you care about

I intend to try some form of this once I have more leisure time. I'm a parent and I don't see it happening in the foreseeable future unless it involves my kids.

It's almost impossibly easy to find volunteer activities if you have kids, everything from daycare to school to field trips to soccer, they're almost always quite open to volunteer help.

See if you can look for (or create) opportunities for your kids to practice doing service, and support them. It's an important part of life, like exercise or intellectual growth.

Fortunately, coaching sports for children begins about age 6 in the US and continues through 16+... so there is plenty available.

Scouting (girls or boys, in spite of BSA's recent settlement) continues to add a lot of value to kids' lives, and ime attract many people with a strong moral compass.

Robotics - the FIRST program. Mechanical, EE, or SWE experiences can let you work with teenagers in a very impactful way. This would not require as much of a time commitment as a sport or scouting group.

Yeah, personaly I started volunteering when I realised I had a surfeit of free time. I ended with a nearby charity, tutoring high school kids from less privileged background; not necessarily the most fun activity, but at least I got to keep my basic mathematics fresh.

But seeing how much time kids take, I understand not being able to do that now; most of the people in the charity where I volunteer are retired.

I think volunteering gets brushed off because in many places it is just a pure scam. The organizations collect money and then charge volunteers exorbitant sums for the privilege of working for free.

I looked at volunteering about 15 years ago and from what I saw then, I have never entertained the thought again.

>In many places it is just a pure scam

Seems a pretty overly strong statement, no? Is there any research in to percentage of non profit efforts that are/aren't legitimate? Can you elaborate on "what I saw then" that made you think it was indicative of the entire idea of volunteer work?

I have had the opposite experience. All the best people in the world I've met have been volunteering for one thing or another. As a young tech guy I've provided general tech support to as many institutions around me as need it and I've never once felt anyone was anything but earnest. Feels unfair to write so much off. I hope you find an organization you would feel comfortable volunteering for again. It really does provide immense benefit to the mind/heart

> Can you elaborate on "what I saw then" that made you think it was indicative of the entire idea of volunteer work?

Yes, I was looking to do international volunteer work and used the internet to search for opportunities, since I knew nobody with experience. Fully willing to pay for my own travels of course. All I could find was programs where you had to pay thousands of dollars, your own food and your own board in order to volunteer. For a few weeks.

That is sadly as far as I got before dismissing the concept as a scam.

I decided to do another similar search right now, more than a decade later. Still seems like the same thing and this is what I get from opening all the search results from the first page:

"Volunteer Shark Conservation in Fiji for Teenagers Price: $4,470 USD for 2 weeks"

"Volunteer with Children in Fiji Price: $2,470 USD for 1 week"

"Volunteer Community Work in Fiji for Teenagers Price: $3,045 USD for 2 weeks"

"Childcare & Community Volunteer Work in Peru for Teenagers Price: $3,645 USD for 2 weeks"

"Affordable fees from $525 for 1 week"

"Volunteer in Africa with Agape completely affordable for our volunteers. Programmes from £675"

"Teach English abroad - Costa Rica USD 339 - That’s just USD 48 per day*..."

"Volunteer to assist in improving physical and mental health for women, girls and communities in Ghana, West Africa. Special offer! Get up to 25% off 1 week £ 1,645"

"Help children and families overcome severe poverty Inspire and guide youth to productive futures as a volunteer in Peru. 1 week $2956"

Honestly, I don't care for these grifters and scammers. Good luck to them.

There are probably hundreds of thousands of eager and able-bodied youths every year who would have loved to volunteer and help their fellow man (or animal), but could only find these scams and decided against doing such a thing. Better just get drunk in the hostel, at least that won't set them back thousands of dollars. Consider the loss.

I took a look at the United Nations. They offer two spots for youth volunteering: have to be 18-26 years old and with a bachelors degree and relevant experience. The volunteering spots are both in Mogadishu in Somalia. The description doesn't have any details about cost, so I guess these are actually free.

Perhaps you and the other posters are talking past each other. For me the word “volunteering” conjures thoughts of spending some weekends doing things for local charities within easy driving distance of my home, not paying to travel overseas. I suspect most Americans at least would see it my way, which is why the other posters are incredulous at your seeming dismissal of “most” volunteer organizations.

Yes, I think you're right, it certainly seems to be the case. However, I wrote "many", not "most".

Very interesting. Sorry you had such an unfortunate experience. I'm realizing now how lucky I was to have been introduced to all the groups I have been by real members of the local groups. With the type of opportunity you were looking for makes a lot of sense why you found what you did. I have not touched any large scale international groups (couple branches of larger orgs were just ok) really and maybe that's the difference. Either way, I'm sorry you weren't able to find volunteer work. It has helped me immensely and I hope one day you can benefit from it should circumstance allow.

>Seems a pretty overly strong statement, no?

No.

You're assuming every place and organization on the PLANET is like the one where you volunteer at. it's not.

>You're assuming every place and organization on the planet is like the one you volunteer at

Not really, but I did, perhaps naively, think at least a better percentage as earnest than the other commenter was giving credit for. You're right though, after reading his detailed response I do realize now I've been very lucky in how I came to do what I do with who I do it with.

I got in with a new "startup" community bicycle hub. They were just getting off the ground so it was pretty chaotic at first. Now it's humming along and, from a selfish perspective, my mental health is much better spending a couple hours a week volunteering with them.

This is a bizarre account, and completely dissimilar to anything I've ever heard of or experienced. Any specific organizations you can recall that engaged in this practice?

Please see my reply to user mptest above (or below).

>The organizations collect money and then charge volunteers exorbitant sums for the privilege of working for free.

Huh, they charge volunteers to work for free? Why would anyone ever do that?

I work at a sports program that charges volunteers, but that’s because it’s set up as a coop. Everyone has to donate time and money to use the facilities. The fee is really small compared to what you get to, 1/5 of comparable facilities.

It’s an amazing program, too. No one involved would ever call it a scam IMO.

^ This sometimes occurs with international volunteering programs ("voluntourism").

Lots of pitfalls and sad stories in that space. Most of the other comments here are discussing helping out with small local orgs which might not be what carlosjobim had in mind.

I'm sorry, but this is an absurd statement that might apply in some extremely narrow niche of "volunteering". But volunteering is a very broad activity that happens in all kinds of organisations, and even without any organisation at all.

It's sort of like you got food poisoning from eating Mexican food once, and from then on, decided to only ever eat burgers for the rest of your life.

volunteering was one of the rare time where things could:

- happen fast - suffer near no management bullshit - have social usefulness

boggles my mind how it's not the norm

How did you find that role? Also, are the people a similar demographic as yourself

By accident: I went to this boat house a few times just to rent a kayak, and when I was chatting with the person who runs it she asked if I'd want to come volunteer on a weekend — and I did.

People there are the most eclectic mix of backgrounds: the owner is a retired coastal guard, she was in Olympic games in her 20s as a windsurfer. Her partner is a retired engineer, who is helping fixing boats when something breaks. Some local kids and teenagers would come volunteer. Our customers are local families and tourists, enjoying their weekend in the park on the lake. And of course a micro-community of retirees chatting with the boat house owner, sharing gossip and their life stories, bringing ice cream for kids and getting their afternoon sun.

It's been more than a year since I started volunteering there, and it transformed my experience beyond any expectations, filling my days with sun, people, stories, little adventures and camaraderie.

Definitely this. Volunteering is an awesome way to develop community. I struggled to make friends in a new community where I was working remotely for years (pre-COVID). I finally really started connected with people my second season being involved with a youth sports program. 6 years later, we just had 50 people over to our house. 30 of them were connected to that sports program in some way.

+1 to this; some of the best people I've met in my city are from the local DIY bike co-op. I started out walking in to check it out and see if they had any good bikes, and now I open the shop and teach bike repair there once a week with several friends I wouldn't have otherwise met.

Same.

My wife and I started volunteering at the Zoo, and it's been an awesome experience!

Definitely! I like gardening. I started volunteering in a community garden, growing stuff for people who need more food. I like the people I work with, and I enjoy growing vegetables on a bigger scale than I can do in my own garden. And they make tea and cake, and often we get to take home some spare seedlings or whatever.

It's really great, it doesn't feel anything like "free labour", it mostly feels like hanging out with some nice people and doing a fun activity.

This is such a great idea! I'm passionate about gardening but my passion is greater than the available space I have for it :')

How did you get started? Did you just offer your help directly to the community garden?

"Community garden" isn't quite the right term. It's actually primarily a food rescue organisation (takes unsold produce etc from supermarkets and redistributes it to poor people) that also grows a bit of their own produce as well, which is the bit I help with.

I happened to be at a kind of mini festival where there was a stand actively recruiting for volunteers. They seemed pretty surprised and happy when I immediately said yes.

The actual "community gardens" that I know of generally are on the model of members each have their own plot, which they tend. I don't know how one volunteers in a space like that, but maybe there are opportunities.

Wife and I volunteer for our kids school, and also the kids weekend sports (Soccer, Cricket). We've made a lot of friends through that and because it's all local a strong sense of community between all the families that get involved.

My dad met his best friend volunteering with the local soccer league in my hometown. The story I heard years later was that my mom insisted to him that he do something to get out of the house, and two decades later they were still the best of friends—and, in fact, had moved to the same overseas city around the same time.

One of my obstacles: it's a stones throw away from a retail/service job.

Okay not really. But what I mean is, the way people respect you. My obstacle is my fear of being treated the way I was 15 years ago when I had to work retail before my professional career. In that sense I'm HAPPY that I work behind a computer screen. But I do think it's made me very isolated, introverted, and lonely.

One important difference is that in retail, you had to deal with it, or risk losing your job / getting written up. In volunteering, if someone is being a jerk to you then you can call them out on it. And I think it is less likely you’ll run into a jerk when you’re volunteering. It’s not like working at Walmart.

Sometimes, The Best Way To Solve Your Own Problems Is To Help Someone Else. - Avatar: Uncle Iroh

A fitness community. This could be either a BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) place or even a CrossFit gym. I've done both and while I'm not here to promote CrossFit, I am here to say that a group fitness class is awesome for meeting other people and finding a community of people that do something similar as you, but have absolutely nothing to do with your work.

I workout with Police officers, Lawyers, Doctors, Dentists, Stay at home moms, Accountants, Students, other tech folks, etc, you name it they're all there.

There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade. That turns into a community where you start to hang out with them out of the gym/etc.

This happens at any group fitness place where the same people show up at the same time to do the same thing. It's natural, organic and freeing.

I've moved across the country 3 times now and this is how I integrated into each area I moved into.

Fully agree, the crossfit gym I joined several years ago has become an important part of my life.

I second that. I do a 5:15 am class on weekdays even during the summer when I don't have to take kids to school. My wife pushes me to sleep in a little and do a later morning class but I would miss my 5:15 crew so I keep getting up at 4:30 a.m. I love the community in CrossFit.

Is there any eh video (short-docu style) on CrossFit?

All I know about it is that people make fun of it. And they do weird pull-ups that I don't want to do. But I am attracted to the community aspect because I've also heard about that.

Try lifting things inappropriately for a few months while telling everyone how great CrossFit is because it focuses on “real world strength”. Eventually mess up your back and never mention CrossFit again.

That’s how it worked for my sister at least.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTdNI6Alh4c

Like most things, "dont knock it till you have tried it". You never have to do something you are either uncomfortable doing or are unable to do; and there always progressions for movements that might be difficult for you. For example, many overhead movements are difficult for me but the coaches will always work with you to find something you can do that will still be challenging and achieve the goal of the workout.

I've had the same experience with the BJJ community. Very positive and welcoming, and an incredible sport for training the mind as well as the body.

Some people get turned off by the behavior of certain fans of UFC but in my experience the groups of people who are starting fights in pubs and people who are actually showing up to intense physical training on a regular basis are mutually exclusive.

Same with where I train BJJ. Everyone is supportive and it helps make training fun.

Or a team.

I joined a rugby team that is open to everyone but highlights lgbt inclusivity in sport. We practice twice a week, have games, and have other events. I've made so many good friends from the team it's hard to keep up with them all.

Staying fit with them is an added bonus.

Yup. I joined a climbing gym. Hanging out with a lot of people both older and younger than you is refreshing. Not much shared misery though when it comes to climbing, always had a blast.

100% climbing.

I think that - unlike many gyms and other fitness communities - it's very welcoming to non-conformistist and people who don't look like typical gym junkies.

It's hard to have an ego when just about everyone gets outclimbed by 12yo girls, and the best climber in the world looks like someone who got fired from a big tech company because he looked too geeky: http://www.alpinist.com/doc/web16f/newswire-ondra-dawn-wall (and I love that even he failed to replicate Lynn Hill's "free climb The Nose in 24 hours" - apparently even Ondra needs to practice Changing Corners).

Also, bouldering in particular is such an intellectual pursuit. It's problem solving under physical pressure, and forces you to think hard about the geometry of your body and how weight works etc.

> I think that - unlike many gyms and other fitness communities - it's very welcoming to non-conformistist and people who don't look like typical gym junkies.

In my experience you see this quite a bit in BJJ as well. I wouldn't say it's nearly as diverse as climbing, but it's definitely not all young athletic men. My son's classes were about 4:1 boys vs girls, and the adult classes had fewer women. But I got to experience being choked out by a 70 year old man and a 16 year old wizard on the mats. There were all sorts of fitness ranges, but typically those improved rather quickly for the folks who stuck with it. We only had a couple guys who I'd put in the religiously works out strength category. Those guys are legit scary when you know they have the same skills as the skinny 70 year old who just put you through your paces and can also just physically twist you into a pretzel on top of it just through raw strength. All were super friendly and inviting to new folks though.

> I think that - unlike many gyms and other fitness communities - it's very welcoming to non-conformistist and people who don't look like typical gym junkies.

You know, people say this a lot about "typical" weight lifting focused gyms, but I've found nothing but the opposite. There are certainly some people who are in there that are judgy (the are everywhere) but the vast majority are either there to do their workouts and leave, or are very friendly. And I've done most of my training in gyms in Manhattan and Paris, two places not known for friendly people.

Totally agree. I think this is just the insecurity of the person who thinks this.

If you go to the same gym you are already in-grouped. It is the insecurity of the new person who would think they are out-grouped.

Meatheads love new lifters. No one showed up at their first gym 230lbs and ripped. Even the biggest guy in the gym can relate to being the intimidated new lifter.

The only difference I would think between a gym with weights and a climbing gym is that the people at the climbing gym look less intimidating.

Love it - yes. You have to remember that everyone started somewhere. It took time and lots of work!

Completely agree. I lift regularly and do not look like a typical gym junkie but have found most people are very friendly - even in NY (burbs) where you expect a certain get out of my face attitude.

Also - weight training is also a highly technical problem-oriented discipline. You can do it for years and still not have things working the right way. The techniques are evolving as well. So - lots of problem solving and discovery.

FYI - one of my favorite sites of all time and certainly the technical view on things: exrx.net

100% agreed. I'm in Boston, and same thing. And I've been into bodybuilding for around 15 years now, dad was a bodybuilder and gym owner, etc. and there are still guys younger (and older) than me who are way bigger than me, and everyone tends to be either in the zone and focused, or really cool friendly people.

The people who talk shit about those people are generally insecure themselves and projecting their inner monologues on them - and the thing is, all the experienced people have been there and done that. Breaking through that is hard, but so rewarding.

My experience may be a bit dated (late '00s), but from the few times I tried climbing (and from interacting with the climbing-friends of people I knew from other activities), I found most of them to be standoffish, and a little bit too "proud" of their chosen hobby, as if climbing was somehow a noble endeavor, and that participating in it showed that you were of good breeding or something.

I certainly have no basis in painting all climbers with this brush, but this was my experience, and I found it to be pretty bizarre. Completely turned me off to making climbing a hobby of my own.

> it's very welcoming to non-conformistist and people who don't look like typical gym junkies.

Ironically being very dismissive of people based on their looks, nice.

It's weird, I have done quite a bit of top-roping and bouldering, but never really found it conducive to making friendships. Or maybe I'm just not the right demographic (early 40s, male). Definitely I chat to people about specific problems, but it never really seems to go beyond that.

I’m an early 30s male and I’m in your shoes as well. I found it to not be a very conducive space. I think it does vary a lot. I’ve only climbed significantly in NYC and SF. I’ve done some in PDX but not regularly.

I didn’t find any of the gyms I was at to be very “community” oriented. I think the personal experience depends a hell of a lot on how good of a climber you are and how you look. Typical tech looking guys were universally hated in all the gyms I went to - often enough with it being verbally said out loud to make sure they knew for sure. (Even if said people were doing nothing special)

There’s some weird shit going on in the US - tbh. Nerd hate is back on the rise.

Where did you climb in NYC, just curious? I've climbed here for a couple years, and found it to be really welcoming and inclusive of people from all backgrounds, tech included.

I mean, if you show up as a "[stereo]typical tech-looking guy" anywhere in America you'll get some disdain, in the same way that looking like a wall street guy would have gotten you disdain in 2008 +/- 10 years.

Maybe... don't flaunt the fact that you work in tech? It's a space that values humility, and tech is (stereotypically) anti-correlated with humility. I've never really felt uncomfortable for it, speaking personally.

As to the friendship discussion, it's kind of on your charisma and the other person's acceptance of it to move the conversation from bouldering to life in general, but it's a nice open window that I see swinging in the wind every time I go! Just don't wear headphones, and keep yourself approachable and supportive.

> Maybe... don't flaunt the fact that you work in tech?

I never brought it up nor do I wear FAANG apparel or anything that would indicate such. It would be brought up in conversations among other people that you'd hear. People were always bitching about people in tech going to climbing gyms.

I went to Vital in Brooklyn mostly. I did metrorock in Brooklyn as well. Considered some others but that's where friends wanted me to go.

> As to the friendship discussion, it's kind of on your charisma and the other person's acceptance of it to move the conversation from bouldering to life in general, but it's a nice open window that I see swinging in the wind every time I go! Just don't wear headphones, and keep yourself approachable and supportive.

This comes back to the "how you look" part of my post. People who are good looking tend to have no real issues in this part of life. Become part of the ugly group - you'll find this hurdle much larger. Especially in large places like SF and NYC. Looking like a nerd is much more about your physiognomy, frame, etc. It has very little to do with what you wear.

That makes sense! For context, Vital is a climbing gym where Google employees are arguably the target demographic. It’s a strange, Equinox-y vibe.

Metrorock Brooklyn is in a neighborhood that used to be working class, then was basically an art colony, and is now being converted into high-income housing (it’s been poster child region for gentrification in the last decade). So the resentment of “the other” and fear of change is in the water there, to some extent. Any anti-tech or anti-nerd sentiment is people bringing their outside-the-gym anxieties into the gym, I don’t think it’s representative of climbing generally.

That being said, NYC is one big mixing pot of gentrification. You’d probably have to go to Cliffs Valhalla or something to not hear it as a topic of conversation at all.

Re “how you look”, yeah it’s a truth. To be fair, being in shape and happy are two things that are strongly correlated with frequent climbing, and they help your appearance to others in equal measure. People who are good looking do have issues here when they’re in a bout of depression or anxiety —- nobody wants to talk to the sad or angry person. But you’re right, we’re wired to find symmetric and skinny people approachable, and that’s to our detriment. Vital especially is probably not the first gym I’d go to, if I were feeling self-conscious of appearances.

I’m surprised to hear about your experience at Vital, I go there all the time and have never felt unwelcome for working in tech.

There’s also a weekly Saturday meetup for people who explicitly want to be social. https://www.reddit.com/r/nycmeetups/comments/13qpv7e/0527_1p...

Oh no quite the contrary, I think we agree! :) Sorry, my comments on Vital came off differently based on the context of the paragraph. My guess is the GP's comment on being made to feel uncomfortable happened at MetroRock – it would be really ironic for a Vital person to say something unwelcoming towards tech, because techies are such a big component of their community. :)

By "strange", I meant that it's not a "typical"/"traditional" climbing gym – in that it's explicitly aimed at the top of market with their pricing, network, and amenities. Although, to be fair, it's a literally-dying breed in NYC so there isn't much to compare it to, locally.

I was saying I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable there if I were self-conscious of appearances, because it's a relatively affluent milieu and setting. I do personally feel comfortable there myself, was just trying to empathize.

Happy to see there's meetups – it's a great place for that sort of thing.

Saying that people at climbing gyms are humble and open to others, while being liable to freeze you out if you work in tech doesn't quite square.

I mean, practically speaking most people in climbing gyms are humble and open to others. But there are always individuals in any positive environment who will over-extrapolate the good elements into gatekeepiness and virtue signaling.

I don’t think it’s fair to judge a community based on its vocal negative elements. As you see other people in this thread commenting, many of whom presumably work in tech, they haven’t had any issues with it.

I think many people generally have issues with tech companies, and some subset of that group boil it down to people and act accordingly. Some of them climb and bring it to the gym. Climbing culture has counterculture roots, which is more correlated with the view, but climbing is a pretty mainstream sport at this point.

I feel like indoor bouldering lends itself a lot better to make random friendships. Attempts at any given problem tend to be a lot quicker, there's often multiple people looking at that same problem, and there's the resting between attempts. Because bouldering problems are usually just a few moves, it's a lot easier to strike up a conversation to compare beta.

Yeah, I definitely have plenty of conversations about beta, etc, which is nice. But the closest any of those have ever come to turning into a friendship was someone mentioning the specific days and times they climbed and suggesting I try to synchronise.

I think it depends a lot on you and your level of outgoing friendliness and openness to striking up deeper conversations with strangers.

I read a lot of the responses here and couldn't see myself making friends in those sorts of situations (and have indeed been in some of them, without results), just because I'm not that particular kind of social to make it work.

Also came here to say climbing (specifically bouldering). I moved to a smaller city in the south last fall and within a month had a handful of new friends through the gym. Pretty soon got in with the crew of folks who worked there, started climbing outside with some of them and eventually ended up working part time at the gym as a side thing.

That being said, I think there's something about the community at this particular gym that is special. I climbed for years at gyms in Chicago and never had anything close to the level of community I found in a couple months down here. I'm sure my attitude / situation had something to do with it, as I went in this time with the intention to make friends and had a lot of free time to be able to spend at the gym; but the gym / community makes a huge difference. Look for smaller / community focused gyms if you can or try out a few different gyms to see if you click with any particular group of people. Try to go to events the gyms put on and be a familiar face.

> There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade. That turns into a community where you start to hang out with them out of the gym/etc.

Agreed; my outside work community IS my martial arts community. There are the brief moments while waiting that you end up chatting with your partners. Eventually you learn what they do, if they have kids, etc. and since you see them weekly you often times get to share their experiences. When I was in college, it was pretty regular to ask the other people what they were up to that weekend. Next thing you know, you're grabbing food, going out for beers, seeing Marvel movies (personal experience there), or other things.

The shared misery scares people away, but you end up becoming invested in your partners' progress as well. When new students join you also get to serve as a peer mentor because just 6 months ago YOU were in their shoes.

As a counter argument I recently heard, some people dislike the hierarchal structure of martial arts. I can understand, but at least from my experience I enjoy it.

My experience with the hierarchy stuff was a lot worse in "traditional" martial arts versus something like BJJ. You've got a lot of "fake" black belts in TKD in part because it's mostly forms work and not really tested. Some sparing matches go hard, but that's rarely the case as you don't really want to be kicking with full force with your sparing partner. So the skill vs skill tests are much more limited.

In BJJ, you're typically going to be rolling with full effort. You're going to be put in a real choke hold and you're really going to go to sleep if you don't tap. We don't slam the joint locks the way you might see in a tournament setting with money on the line, but a slow and safe arm bar will work as well if you've actually got control of the limb. So for me the ranking in BJJ feels more aligned to actual ability to me than my experience with TKD did because you're getting a real test of your skills every class. The sorting feels more natural and everyone can clearly see the differences in skill play out daily.

You respect your classmates and seniors more because of your experiences rolling with them and less because it's demanded by the belt system and and built in by tradition.

Everything you said is aligned with my experience in training. BJJ is pure pressure testing of what you are learning and it is as close to fighting without striking and other dirty tactics like eye gouging. I have done traditional martial arts and it was not as close to experience under-pressure training. Also, I find myself in autopilot as well as in a focused, calm state when rolling at times.

I think in a real fight situation, someone who trains would be more calm to deal and, most likely, deescalate the situation because we are accustom to intense situations and our egos are tested so much that we are indifferent to silly challenges that can be fatal in some situations.

To be clear to folks about this - both BJJ and CrossFit have a community element to them. (Especially CrossFit as far as I’ve seen)

I cannot say that is true of everything else. Yoga has no community for most classes you’ll take out there. Same is true of Pilates. A lot of other fitness classes you’d take that are maybe doing HIIT or whatever - it’s gonna be the same show-up and immediately leave type of crowd.

CrossFit and some other fitness activities are very intentional about having a community and making one if it doesn’t exist. That’s why CrossFit was often referred to as a cult. It’s got a large community vibe.

I found BJJ was a great community, most clubs I see seem to have a community culture that build up around them.

> There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade.

It's been scientifically proven that this is the way to create strong bonds with people. It's why we are easier to get close with former classmates and co-workers.

My fitness group is the rec basketball league that I participate.

It doesn't even have to be group fitness. I've made great friends at traditional gyms (I train more in a bodybuilding style) just showing up and training.

Reading the comments, I notice a lot of posters seek out tech communities. While I get why a nerd would want to do that, I have a different tendency. Most of my outside-of-work activities are actually not tech related. Sure, I have a bunch of private projects to work on, but I usually do that in single player mode. I picked up a number of "also working in tech" friends over time, and going out with them is still fun and interesting. I also enjoyed the social time at various conferences, meeting likeminded people. But I don't want to spend my after-work-time and weekends with tech folks by default. That is, simply put, too much of one thing. Stepping out of tech is what keeps the dayjob interesting.

> I notice a lot of posters seek out tech communities. While I get why a nerd would want to do that, I have a different tendency.

Absolutely! I genuinely enjoy writing code at work, but I literally never do it in my spare time. I already spend a greater number of waking hours in front of my computer than I do with my friends and family (or playing music, or mountain biking, or...).

I do spend a lot of my spare time writing code for free, but I think a healthy, well-rounded person should get outside one genre of activity at least some of the time!

leaving SF was a godsend. I was tired of everyone being in tech and it's nice interacting with people that are actually diverse and don't all work in the same industry and have the same mindsets.

That's the saddest part about people who moved to SF for tech. They moved here, interacted with their coworkers, who are tech workers, they found roommates through their company, so their roommates are also tech workers, and so all their friends are also tech workers, all the people at parties they go to are tech workers. So it's no surprise all they know of San Francisco is tech. There's more to San Francisco than tech, but if that's all someone ever sees of the city, it's no wonder they drew those conclusions!

Just like I'm glad the people who hated the city left because Covid finally gave them an excuse, I'm also glad the people that failed to see the beautiful wonderful city underneath the moneied veneer of tech are gone as well. It saddens me that the two cities didn't mange to meet and melt in America's mixing pot, but, ah, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

As someone who moved 20 years ago to the bay area, and later SF proper, for a tech job, I totally agree with that. While the majority of my friends here are still in STEM-related fields (at least they're not all traditionally "tech"), it's very important to get out of the tech bubble early and often to see what else is out there.

Still here post-COVID, and similarly happy that many of the people who hated it here and were only here for their jobs are gone now. Granted, I don't love the city like I once did, but I still find it satisfying to live here, despite the cost of living.

Out of curiosity, what are your outside of work activities?

Playing Guitar/Piano/Flute/Handpan/Didgeridoo, Wing Tsun (Martial Arts), Archery. Just to name some.

I’m not in SF, so maybe easier for me, but most of my good friends are outside of my industry.

On one hand, it might remove opportunities for networking/progression. On the other hand, I want to get out of my work-self when I’m off the clock and this is better.

I don’t want to talk about work when I’m not at work and although work topics still come up with non-tech folks, it’s easier to not end up in a deluge of techy stuff. And it’s often way more interesting to talk about work when someone is not doing anything closely related to my career (at least for me).

I find that sticking with nerdy hobbies, at least where I live, also keeps you in awkward male dominated spaces; MTG, Warhammer, hacker spaces, arcade/video game things, all men.

Church.

My wife and I sit in the cry room with out little kids, and have gotten to know the people that are there with us. It's gotten to the point where we have started recognizing these people all over town. Very cozy and nice.

I'll say: having kids is obviously itself incredibly meaningful; as an additional benefit: kids are a fantastic ice-breaker/opener for other families with kids.

I'll second this. I've been a part of several fantastic church communities in the various places I've lived, both before and after I had kids.

And yes, a great side perk of having children is connecting with other parents :)

There are cry rooms?

Yeah, like a room in the back specifically for crying babies (and their families).

How much extra per long-haul airplane ticket would you pay for this? I'd gladly add 20% minimum.

When my first child was born, he didn't cry and had to spend the beginning of his life in the NICU. When he first cried, after having his life saved by doctors, so did I.

I love the sound of crying babies. It means they're okay enough to cry.

I don’t have any children and don’t want any. I wish people didn’t trap me in metal tubes for 12+ hours with their crying children. My brain hasn’t been reprogrammed to enjoy it- actually the opposite; it’s a non-stop car alarm.

Maybe buy earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones? The parent probably doesn't want their child to be crying either, but sometimes there's not much to be done.

I use AirPods Pro with aftermarket memory foam tips.

They block about 50% of the noise of a crying child in the area. Not nearly enough.

Idk about AirPods in particular, but you could try layering good PNC earmuffs over your ANC earbuds? I doubt you'll get it <10%, but should still help cut a lot of the high-frequency crying.

Bose QuietComfort 35 with white noise playing on them should block anyone not yelling right at you. Bought mine used after some extensive research, but maybe there's something better nowadays. If you added foam earplugs and music to that you'd be deaf.

I don't have kids. I'm ok with the crying babies - there's very little anyone can do about it, and they're already doing it. I'm much less ok with poorly behaved kids bouncing around, yelling, etc.

Our church has a play room with a TV tuned to the livestream. My toddler can make it to the sermon and then heads for the play room. Honestly, it's pretty nice to kick back in a comfy room and play with my daughter while still attending worship.

Same here! Cry/play rooms can be awesome.

I live in Seattle, Cap Hill. Before I moved here and when I first moved here (from London) people told me that Seattle was a terrible place to make friends and build a community. My experience has been exactly the opposite; this has been the best place I've ever lived for making friends and building community, especially as a sober person.

The order of importance, I have found community here in:

- Swing dancing, both classes and going to shows with live jazz bands to dance (I was never a dancer before moving here)

- Lifting (there are great locally owned gyms in this neighborhood)

- Getting to know people who own or work at local businesses

- People who have similar tech interests, that I meet from a mixture of the previous 3 places

Finally, and I think this is a really important thing to do, I try to organize events, either in my home or in any one of the local parks in the summer, where friends I've made in different parts of my life all get together and also get to know each other

Oh! I'm on the east side. I've been attending Brazillian Zouk classes, but I've been interested in swing. Where do you go?

And I completely agree about event organization! It really introduces you to a wider swath of people than your initial search may have turned up.

Way to go!

Swing It Seattle has dances with live bands in Cap Hill at least once a week, and they also have multiple classes going on at any given time. Really pleasant environment, great people, can't recommend it enough!

Location is going to significantly impact the number of opportunities. I love that about big cities, but I miss the peacefulness of the country.

> Swing dancing

Swing It Seattle? Me and my wife go to the wednesday dances :-)

The one and only! I'm there most Wednesdays and Saturdays too! If you're in the swing & things Discord group, I'm "jado"!

I think it depends on more factors than just location. I am older and live on the eastside of the Seattle metro area, and our neighbors have been generally unfriendly. When we first moved in we invited a number of neighbors to a backyard BBQ, and afterwards, none ever reached back out to us, and even worse, another became extremely aggressive towards us. It's been over four years since.

We're thinking of moving, but housing prices are incredibly high and volatile.

East side as in Bellevue?

I moved from Bellevue to Seattle proper because I found the neiborhoods there to be insufferable. Like you mentioned: no desire to socialize, hostility to any kind of group activity, serious mistrust of neighbors, etc. There is a reason there are almost no neighborhood bars or “social” areas in Bellevue, just tall office buildings and sprawling McMansions.

Seattle proper is much more pro-social and I probably doubled my happiness when I moved across the bridge.

> Finally, and I think this is a really important thing to do, I try to organize events

This is generally the thing Seattle is missing -- people that organize and then tell people to show up at X place on Y date. Most of the time, it's a million people that all say they would love to hang out more, but nobody ever makes solid plans.

The church is like a second family for me. I made so many great friends there!

Of course it will not be for everyone, but if you are open to it you can try.

+1 for this. No church is perfect, but my experience is that church is a place where I can go to gather with people from diverse backgrounds, perspectives, and needs and come together on some common points: we need more than ourselves to make it through life, we need to be kinder, and we should serve each other.

I have seen my congregation rally around new parents, people with mental health conditions, and other such common struggles. Serving others is a great way to feel that you are part of a community. Church can be a great framework for that kind of thing.

While I totally understand why you'd find community there, I am surprised that you'd consider Church to be a place to find people of diverse backgrounds. That hasn't at all been my experience

They probably mean in terms of profession or class. I would be surprised if you didn’t find that kind of diversity at most churches.

My church has one couple where both spouses were born in the same country.

We span many past religions and world views. Poor backgrounds and wealthy.

But we all now hold a very similar world view. So we don't have the kind of diversity some people think of. We're not defined by our pasts as much as we are by our common beliefs.

For those who aren't religious, there's also Sunday Assembly: https://www.sundayassembly.org/

For those who are spiritual but not Christian, there's also the Unitarian Universalist Association: https://www.uua.org/

I expect sect/denomination has an influence here because my experiences in the past were strictly familial, no one made friends there though there are familiar faces. Once service is over, it was Sunday brunch with family.

At any rate, potential friendship is a weak rationalization for joining a religion when there are many avenues to do this.

Imagine going to a movie theater, watching a movie, then leaving and not talking to anyone afterwards. Naturally, that is a terrible way to engage in the movie enthusiast community.

On the other hand, if you spend time with some people, go and watch the movie together, and talk afterwards, it'll feel a whole lot more impactful and you'll find the shared experience fosters a sense of community if you do it on a regular basis.

Denominations, and individual churches within a church, will definitely all have different levels of cohesiveness and character to their communities. It begins and ends, however, with getting out what you put into it.

> Imagine going to a movie theater, watching a movie, then leaving and not talking to anyone afterwards

Uh, I don't know about you but I've never known anyone leaving a theater try to solicit strangers for conversation. You talk to the people you arrived with.

Yes, I'm a practicing Catholic and attend Church often with my fiancee.

Everyone is welcome to even attend Mass (they just don't receive communion) and participate in activities that we organize. We also have many support groups for elderly, grieving families, young adults and so on.

Additionally, if you want to do volunteer work, contact the closest Catholic Church. You can join pretty much all of the events regardless of your background.

We are not some "exclusive" membership, the doors are open.

Church is great for this specifically because it's a social group that spends all its time espousing the idea that all men are created equal, therefore ALL backgrounds are welcome. The most important piece of social mobility is knowing those outside of your economic circle.

Example: You need a job, you know your great buddy Bob has a spot that you could hop into, he knows you pretty well and that you're not an idiot, so he hires you on the spot into a job you never would've had the qualification for otherwise.

> it's a social group that spends all its time espousing the idea that all men are created equal

I'm thankful that this is the case for my church, but unfortunately, that's not the case in a lot of churches.

Start a morning coffee group that meets weekly. Been regularly attending the last decade. A silver lining of the pandemic is now we meet around a morning fire when it's the proper season.

This is one of those things where when you realize it, it's almost embarrassing how obvious it should have been.

The Church is 2000 years old. It has outlasted basically any other institution that has ever existed in the history of humanity. The things The Church encourages are:

1) Building families

2) Building communities

3) Using these things to make the world a more loving place through volunteerism

It should not be surprising that this is a good place to make friends and connect with your community.

The issue I have with churches, specifically Catholic and other large ones, is belonging to and participating in an organization that has collectively done so many bad things to humans just doesn't sit well with me. Then there's the element of collecting money and hoarding it and its a huge turn off.

You may say "the doors are open" and in fact they may be in your local church but official membership has requirements, rules to follow and some larger churches also are very much opposed to equality for all humans. I don't believe the Catholic church (or other denominations of Christianity, or Mormon church) would allow a LGBT couple to officially join.

I understand that yours and others experiences don't reflect the entirety of ~1700 years of the organized state religion of the Roman Empire. When we're talking about finding community outside of work, I find large churches will have a facade of community but in practice are not as welcoming to all.

> I don't believe the Catholic church (or other denominations of Christianity, or Mormon church) would allow a LGBT couple to officially join.

That's not entirely true. No legitimate catholic church would prohibit lgbtq couples from joining. The more conservative ones definitely would not condone their lifestyle, however, and probably none would agree to marry them. So if you are lgbtq you should probably just give some serious thought into more liberal denominations.

I was pointing out an obvious example of a facade of "welcoming all" from the community (would not prohibit people from joining, anyone can show up and volunteer) vs. really welcoming all where anyone could be full members through all of their ceremonies like baptism, confirmation, marriage, etc. or even allowing anyone to pursue theological leadership positions like pastor, deacon, priest, etc.

If that's important to you (as it is me) then I encourage you to seek a denomination that fits your values.

The Catholic Church is complicated around LGBTQ issues. Some communities are more welcoming than others, but there is always a limit to how welcomed an LGBTQ person would be.

The Episcopal Church is very welcoming of LGBTQ people, however. We perform same-sex marriages and ordain LGBTQ people to clergy. My particular parish is marching in a local Pride parade this year.

Agree. Obviously if you're a staunch atheist or otherwise just can't stomach the idea of "God," then visiting a church not recommended. But if you grew up Christian and drifted away, or you can entertain the possibility of a higher power, then I recommend checking out a church as a place to find community.

Denominations are different flavors of Christianity, and which denomination you visit is important. I'm personally a member of "The Episcopal Church," which I find to have a very small amount of dogma and is tolerant of a wide range of beliefs. The theological dogma can be summarized in the "Nicene Creed," which is a pretty short list of what the church holds to be true (and even if you as individual differ, TEC is chill about that). After that, members of The Episcopal Church are more united in what they do together rather than what they believe togther - songs, taking communion, common readings, etc. The Episcopl Church is generally one of the more liberal/progressive churches around (we ordain women and LGBTQ individuals into the clergy and perform same-sex marriages, for example).

Otherwise, it's a nice group of people that I see every week. A lot of churches have a "coffee hour" or a meal after the service, and it's a time to chit chat with others. They care about me and I care about them, and people check in on each other to see how everyone is doing. When we had a baby, people brought us food, and we always get cards in the mail for birthdays and such. It's nice.

Since we're a community of people, we can sometimes work together to accomplish things I wouldn't be able to do on my own. We run a food pantry and we've supported families fleeing from bad situations (and not in abstract sense, but doing the legwork of finding an apartment in town and providing furniture and stuff). One family attends our services, and their kid is about my kid's age, so we've become friends over that.

Again, I know religion can invoke strong feelings, so if the very idea is offputting, leave it alone, it's fine. But for me, it's been a community I've appreciated having.

I’m not religious at all, rather agnostic, but my wife is a nonpracticing Christian. (Although I find a good sermon/pastor to be motivating, thought provoking, and just full of basic life lessons that happen to he documented in an old book).

I’m fine with the concept of the right church because of the community effects especially as a parent and wanting my kid to have as many positive role models as possible in his life; peers/adults/seniors. So after many years of being with my wife, we decided to start when my kid was 4. We actually wanted to start earlier but it’s a hard habit to just introduce, then 2020 happened, etc so here we are. It’s been quite a positive adjustment. It’s easy to see the cult and abuse headlines and write it off, but when done right I still think it’s incredibly powerful and religion as a whole is just a framework for peaceful civilization and coexistence with communities.

If they scrapped the sky fairy parts and just made it a weekly social event with interesting speakers and stories then church would actually be quite an attractive option

You might be interested in the Unitarian Universalist Church. I'm not a member so can't speak directly to it, but I'm friends with a few people who are. I once heard it affectionately teased as the place for people who don't believe in God but like going to church.

Personally: -sports: climbing gyms/trips/facebook groups/etc, bike groups (not exclusively biking alone), hiking trips, etc

Anecdotally: -drama clubs/local theatre productions -run clubs: while running is typically fairly isolated, there are social run clubs in cities that often go for a drink (no booze necessary) post-run -book clubs: random collections of people that discuss a book together -dinner clubs: sharing food with folks in a way where different people cook for others in turn -partying: most places have a community of folks that enjoy dancing and/or recreationals

Note that I believe that the strong relationships can come from overcoming a shared struggle, so if you can think of something that's difficult and with one or more other person/people, you will probably form a community around it over time (co-founders and cohorts are a great example).

At least on the coasts, clubs that do outdoors activities are fairly common. Doesn't need to be hardcore. There's the Appalachian Mountain Club in the Northeast US which dates to the 1800s. There are (unsurprisingly) at least a couple different Northern CA/PNW clubs though I'm less familiar with what they offer.

1- Beer. Way back when I first started working in Portland, a few of us got together after work every Thursday for beer. People moved on to other jobs, but some kept in touch, and over time we built up a nice core of people, maybe a dozen on average, who would get together every Thursday. New coworkers always welcome, and some of those would become regulars themselves. It kind of fell apart, however, towards the end of the pandemic when the nucleus of our group passed suddenly from cancer. We still try to get together, but it isn't quite the same.

2- Neighborhood. We moved in this neighborhood about 10 years ago when all the houses were being built, and we socialized with the other families buying homes. Now we know almost all of the neighbors within a 5 minute walk. Aside from a couple weirdos, most people are really nice even if sometimes a bit shy. It's great to be on cordial terms with the people who live around you.

2a- Poker. The guys of the neighborhood get together regularly to play Texas Hold 'em. Not for a lot of money, just to have something to do and people to connect with.

2b- Bunco. The gals of the neighborhood also have a regular gathering, generally audible for an eighth of a mile away, Bunco must be the funniest game in the world.

Hackerspaces!

Check this list [0], maybe there is one close to you – and if you by any chance live in Oslo – swing by Hackeriet [1].

[0] https://wiki.hackerspaces.org/List_of_Hacker_Spaces

[1] https://hackeriet.no/index.en.html

Hackerspaces are awesome!

Im quite active at https://k-space.ee in Tallinn, Estonia.

Out of interest, do you find many working on software projects at hacker spaces? Each one I've looked at online seems to have more of a focus on hardware, electronics, metal/wood working with little mention of software. The caveat is that I've only really looked at UK based ones so this may be regional.

I've been trying to find a space that has a similar energy as my old university CS lab. There was a bit of a perfect time in my final year, whereafter 2+ years most people seemed to know each other and at the same time everyone was specialising in their degree. So you could walk into the lab and find people working deep in their own game engine code, others would be working on ML models and others may be working on mobile apps or websites. But with a sense of overall camaraderie and sharing of what you're working on and why.

I suppose it just sounds like I'm describing something like a WeWork but when I've attended those they seem much more employee focused and I rarely saw employees of different companies talk to each other.

I also realise that some of what I describe is often fulfilled by talking to others at your workplace, I'm fully remote so I am missing out on that part.

If anyone knows of anything similar to what I describe above in or near London feel free to reach out to the email in my profile!

The "open source club" events at the Chaitin School [0] sound like what you're looking for, but I don't think there are events on over the summer.

[0]: https://chaitinschool.org/

I remember someone programming some visuals in vvvv for the first time I'd ever seen that at a hackerspace some years ago in Vancouver, BC which was in some sketchy alley where you hollered up at them and they lowered a key on a pulley. I think you might find some interest taking advantage of the fact that there's so much hardware and electronics around and learning something from them. There's a likelihood that there is someone in there who could use a hand with whatever they're doing in there on the software end too.

For what you're more closely describing I've found local programming meetups in a few major cities that happen at local bars and restaurants to be like that, mostly just people coming in and working on their projects (Either personal or together), maybe not on the same level as what you had in uni but definitely worth checking out too.

I go to my local hackerspace a couple times a week and there's nearly always a few people working on software, and just there for the social aspects and/or to bounce ideas/solutions off others.

Look for local meetups, that's where you can find people who want to engage more broadly. Appropriate spaces may host these, or you may be able to find out about good hangouts from other meetup attendees.

In hackerspaces, I find that software-focused people have different patterns of use than tool focused people. They need to sit down for some focus time, which is hard to distinguish from just browsing from afar. When people use tools, it's clear to see. Speaking from experience with SF/Noisebridge, Oakland/SudoRoom-Omni-commons, Sacramento/Hacker Lab, and visiting some spaces while traveling.

I shovelled snow for the older lady who lived around the corner. She had the same given name as my mother. We talked shop about gardening. Occasionally she would invite my kids over for tea and cookies. We traded books.

Other neighbours would be working on projects in their yard. I offered to help. We get to talking. Some of us had kids around the same age who started hanging out.

I show movies in my yard when the weather is nice and invite people over. We make a big potluck dinner and hang out.

I care a lot about global warming and climate change. One of the biggest impacts we can have as individuals is at the local level. Help out with municipal elections and support councillors who are going to help reduce traffic, make streets safer, help develop community infrastructure, etc. Go to zoning by-law meetings and press for mixed-use neighbourhoods. There's lots you can do here.

I also play music and enjoy board gaming. I meet other musicians through gigs or friends and we jam together, etc. I've joined gaming groups at my local game store on and off when I get into a good game.

There are lots of ways to get out and get local. Start helping people in your community get what they need is a good way to start.

Bumble BFF is where I found my way into a local queer women's bookclub that also a is a space to form ad hoc meetups, do hikes, and generally make friends.

Discord is another, oddly enough. The story is a bit messy, but there was an "offical" server attacked to a subreddit for my location (think r/<MYCITY>). That was, frankly, a terrible server, but I eventually found myself migrating onto a splinter server with a few other folks who felt the same way and together we've cultivated our own community. Again, the space serves as a clearinghouse for ad hoc meetups, group coffees, GWD[1] teams, groups who go to the musical theater together, etc.

These online spaces are good examples of places that have cultivated norms around high psychological safety. In other words, behaviors that lower psychological safety are seen as destructive to the space. The high psychological safety there means that I can probably meet up with any random person in these spaces and be able to trade some degree of vulnerability with them and actually form meaningful connection.

1. https://www.geekswhodrink.com/

I tried bumble bff as a guy, and it was just gay men trying to sexually assault me.

Thanks for the heads up

Open source projects. I am building a side project in Rust and contribute to crates along the way. I also do 3d printing of stuff - I’m building a device to freeze air (co2 waypoint hit, next oxygen and nitrogen) using only thermoelectric chips and all the enclosures etc I’m designing in build123d a parametric cad system in Python. So I have a lot of discord communities that I interact with and it’s been great. Since I started working from home 6 years ago I’ve also built up a network of nerd friends in my local community / neighborhood that I interact with regularly. In fact remote work has let me build a real community in my life. Being very senior your relationships at work can be very transactional. Being locked into a human hamster wheel chicken coop with a bunch of people who need something from me all work day then the rest of my day commuting and being exhausted meant I was very lonely.

My dog, the dog park, and subsequently my neighborhood. If you go to the dog park twice a day you'll meet people and start chatting with them. Everyone needs to walk their dog so you end up seeing the same crew regularly. Its a great way to meet the people who live around you.

I think the pandemic definitely helped people realize that their job can't be their only social outlet.

Local weekly pinball tournaments are an amazing way to meet folks and hang out in a low-pressure social environment.

Since the rounds of the tournament are randomized groups of four, every round is a chance to introduce yourself to three other players and learn each others' names. If you come back regularly, you'll start to recognize and be recognized by the other regulars. Everyone gets to know each other better at a natural and unforced pace.

I've been playing every Wednesday night for about a year, and I like it so much that I'm shifting my work schedule so I can join the same local regulars for a Thursday night tournament at a different arcade too.

I really hope you have the chance to give it a try!

You can find tournaments in your area at: https://www.ifpapinball.com/calendar/#

I'm a member of my local Rotary, the one I'm part of does a lot of good work around the city. I'm also part of a non-profit, the Chicago Engineers' Foundation (https://www.chicagoengineersfoundation.org/) that I get a lot of value and connections out of. Also a city club to meet other professionals and chat.

But my main was going back to school to get a MBA, met a ton of people that way.

What you want is called a "third place", which has sadly died out in many ways recently. A great way to just meet people from different backgrounds with different interests.

I joined a local Rotary club twenty years ago (in my mid-40s) and it’s become a pillar of my social health and personal productivity. Service clubs like Rotary (Lions, Kiwanis,etc) are facing an existential demographic crash right at a time when people have a renewed interest in IRL social/community engagement. Fingers crossed that resolves!

I tried applying to my local rotary club online in 2019. Basically just a web form expressing interest. I got an automated email saying someone would reach out in the next 30 days. I was met with complete radio silence. Never heard anything back at all.

I was a Rotary exchange student 20 years ago which completely changed the trajectory of my life (for the better), and was excited to help the next generation with becoming an exchange student. I was also involved with RYLA as a teen.

For a group facing an existential crisis, they didn’t seem too worried about it

That's interesting to hear. I was also a Rotary exchange student to Japan. It was an incredible experience. I've thought about whether Rotary would be a good option personally or professionally but haven't tried it yet.

You'll find that groups like the Rotary or Knights of Columbus or the Shriners are almost technologically phobic - it's entirely possible that your automated email came from a web form and your interest was forwarded to an email box of a member who had died years ago.

Phone or in person is often the only way to get things done, unless there happens to be a tech-savvy person involved.

I could see that for sure. At the time I couldn’t find any easy contact info for my local club and thought it would be inappropriate to just show up to the monthly lunch meeting. Maybe I’ll try that though!

That's what I'd do, at worst they tell you it's private and secret, but take your info down. Most likely they'd initiate you on the spot.

Rotarians are... older, and often not good with tech. I've been a de facto tech support of mine a few times. They really would see some good overall growth if they invested in that some more.

I don't think Rotary globally is facing an existential crisis, but it is in the US. It is very popular abroad but has been dying out in the USA.

May I ask - have you had a good experience with Rotary? Because while I am a member of my local club, I've been profoundly disappointed. Almost none of the service projects in my community are anything that's terribly useful - it's a lot of make work so people feel useful. I've also been disappointed in the punitive, "frat boy" like behavior among club members. While I don't think there is any fraudulent activity occurring, I have found some of the financial decision making a bit eye brow raising as well.

I joined the Texas State Guard and found a lasting connection with my group. When I'm there I feel like I'm with family.

About half the states have a state guard. The organizational structure is military-ish, but we don't have weapons. We wear essentially the same uniform as the national guard, and sometimes work with them, but it's not related to the national guard except that we both report to the governor. The difference is the state guard ONLY reports to the governor and doesn't have any federal connection.

Since I joined I've helped run a shelter after hurricane Harvey and run water distribution centers after the freeze 2 years ago. But most of the time I just do the same thing I do at my regular job.

When I joined they needed programmers. They need everybody, tbh. It's not hard to qualify.

> When I joined they needed programmers.

How did that work? Unless there is a deployment, the schedule is one weekend a month right? What kind of tech work were you able to do in that timeframe?

You mentioned working in a shelter as well during Harvey. How often were you called into service? It looks likes the number of whether related missions has increased in recent years - https://tmd.texas.gov/texas-state-guard-missions

I just moved to Austin and the idea of joining a state guard is appealing.

> Unless there is a deployment, the schedule is one weekend a month right?

Yes and no. I do a lot of work at home. I mostly work on our home-grown software that manages the organization (recruiting and personnel management).

> How often were you called into service?

In 6 years I've been called out by the governor twice on big missions (1 hurricane and 1 freeze). But I've also had a handful of other deployments that were more like "we need a volunteer to come to HQ for a week". I once got "deployed" for 2 days to drive some computers from Austin down to the border. I try to take those tasks occasionally if my job can spare me.

The drill weekends are unpaid, but you get paid for any deployment. All deployments are voluntary, but you are expected to be available if a big disaster strikes.

> I just moved to Austin

Headquarters is at Camp Mabry in Austin. Building 32.

I've found the local Swing Dance scene to be very welcoming; the same with local bicycle group rides (you see a lot of the same people at different rides and make friends really quick), the local bike repair co-ops where you can learn/teach mechanical skills, the local blues dance scene has been great, etc.

Pick something that interests you and go do it! Find a nerd store that has a gaming night and sit down at a random table and ask to join their DnD campaign, or ask around and find the local rock climbing gym that does community building nights, etc. whatever catches your fancy I guarantee there are others out there that also like the same things and want to connect!

Public social infrastructure like your local library is always a good place to go too: they'll have book clubs, lecture series, parent meetups, etc. check out their programming schedule and see if anything sounds interesting to you.

My local organization of the Democratic Party. What you discover are a whole lot of people with similar values who really care about their community. I've also been surprised by how many have similar hobbies and interests - who knew that there were so many beekeepers, cheesemakers, chicken farmers, etc? Great opportunity to connect with people, learn more about local issues, and have a voice in our democracy.

Take matter into your own hands. "Be the change you want to see" basically. For example I organize software meetups at a nice coffeehouse. It started out with like four people a year ago, and now we average ~25-30 each month, and growing. Consistency is key.

P.S. If you live in Seattle, and you're a software engineer, shoot me an email: abner at handmadecities dot com

You can do this really simply, if you're willing to eat alone for awhile - just put a notice in appropriate places that you'll be at the restaurant/bar/whatever every Thursday at 7:00 PM for "whatever topic you come up with". It'll eventually grow.

Meetup.com is worth the $100 for this.

> Consistency is key.

This 100%, but a warning, this consistency also applies to the people meeting. And that is much more difficult to encourage than anything else. Funding, organizing and advertising meetups ends up being the easy part.

I have run a LUG now for half a year now, and it has been impossible to get people to meet up more than once. This is regardless of content, free food, event weeks, high quality talks by members, encouraging social interactions, holding discussions with experts on interested topics, etc.

Mind you, the members we have are still fiercely for the LUG to continue, they do not want to see it gone, but also continue not showing up. I have worked with frequent members individually to try and find alternatives like better time slots, as many complain about being "busy", but I have now learned its really not a time issue either.

Not really sure why its so hard getting people to show, it just is, even if you give people exactly what they want plus unique spins on topics that are cheered on in the public channel when announced, but follows to nobody showing up.

Congrats on running something consistently for half a year!

> [...] they do not want to see it gone, but also continue not showing up.

Could it be you need more than one social channel that funnels the group from one place to the next? That would improve their sense of belonging raise the stakes.

In my case, we have a website [0], a Discord, and a couple of conferences. The meetups are strongly tied to these other channels and that seems to do the trick.

[0] https://handmade.network

Sounds like you are looking for your local community chorus! Often no experience required.

The Choruses tab here[1] is a good place to start. This[2] may be a little outdated. Or just Google.

[1] https://chorusamerica.org/member_directory

[2] https://www.singers.com/lists/choral-groups/

a PSA from HN's lurking choral director

This might be the closest for me. Grew up in choirs and play multiple instruments. Would really love a gospel choir, if one would have me. Will poke around. Thanks!

I guess I'm a little weird, because while I have plenty of friends (generally former coworkers), I generally haven't felt the need to be part of a community since I got married.

I like my wife, presumably she likes me, and having a person that cohabits with me that I get along with has honestly done a good enough job at making me feel a connection and purpose.

I think most of us would like to a part of that type of relationship. Usually you can find these potential partners in communities.

I live in a very transient city with very little tech industry, which also happens to be a city where half the population leaves every April/May through October/November.

Community has been hard, especially meeting new folks. There have been a few community tech events that have come and gone, and I've been lucky enough to meet a few friends through that.

I joined a gym 4 years ago, and a lot of my friends now I've met through that gym.

I can't imagine anything worse than going to the gym. What do you do there? Walk on a treadmill like a mouse in a laboratory?

Also, you come back starving because you've burned calories, probably eating way more than you should due to being famished.

And it's also extremely boring. I've tried it once or twice, but I just can't handle it.

Genuinely interested in how some people manage to consistently keep going to the gym.

If you're going to a "treadmill" gym, yeah, you're right. But a small powerlifting or weightlifting gym is different. You have to have a spotter or partner, so you'll workout with someone while you're there. And if you're doing it right, you have more downtime between sets than time working, so you end up chatting and making friends.

Cardio exercise is absolutely dreadful. Try lifting weights, heavy ones (after studying form via YouTube videos and verifying that your form is correct on lighter weights). Pushing your limits is neither boring nor time-consuming. 45 minutes is enough for a vigorous workout.

> Cardio exercise is absolutely dreadful.

Indoor cardio, sure. Walking/hiking/running/biking outdoors is great.

Amen

Many people go to the gym as a means of achieving their goals.

If you have health goals in mind, there are a lot of things at the gym that support them.

For example, one friend was overweight and it was recommended that in addition to cardio, he have strength training. He goes a couple nights a week and goes through the strength training stations. He's lost 7 inches on his waist in the last few months.

Another friend goes for the exercise classes

I did the gym years ago, but nowadays I bought a used stairmaster for cheap and set it up in my house. I read for pleasure and do it while on the stairmaster. I also hike with others frequently, but days I can't this works for me.

Regular gym goer for 20+ years here. It eventually becomes difficult not going to the gym, on days I can’t exercise I feel restless, like a dog that hasn’t gone out for his walk.

Food, I eat between 4K and 5k calories per day and I’m close to 10% body fat. I love eating.

Re: boring. Lift heavy, it’s supposed to be challenging. It should require focus and concentration. Don’t use machines, those are boring.

I would never go if it were exclusively for aesthetic, strength, or health benefits. For me it lifts my mood like nothing else, anytime I feel like not going I know it is my I unexercised mind telling me stories, once I start moving weight it’s like changing a radio station in my head and the negative affect fades away.

I used to feel exactly like you, until I started for health reasons, and found I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Weight training is the most cognitively demanding thing I’ve ever done, not at all mindless or boring. Using proper form and technique is essentially a martial art, and takes tremendous skill and focus, and can advance in skill limitlessly. As a competitive strongman, I’m also always pushing my skills by lifting and carrying new objects that require different skills and techniques. Some “feats of strength” have taken years of training and strategizing to accomplish. Walking on a treadmill is still boring to me and I avoid it. For the gym to be fun and engaging it needs to be both cognitively and physically demanding, yet possible to accomplish.

I'll give the weight training a chance. What you say certainly make sense and I can't just dismiss something without trying.

Great! I recommend finding some sort of community, club, or coach. Heavy lifts are dangerous if you do them wrong, and you also run the risk of developing bad habits. An hour or two 1:1 with a strength coach from a program like Starting Strength is really worth it. https://coaching.startingstrength.com/

I work out somewhat between 9-12 hours per week consistently (weights, yoga, running, muay-thai). It also makes me feel quick(er), more energetic and relaxed. Of course there is a physical aspect to it as well, I look great. And a mental and cognitive one too. Knowing that I can push through quite some physical strain, makes me realize that the mental strains, stressors and problems I face on a daily basis aren't all that different. What keeps me going is seeing the benefits accrue over time, but it also was hard for me to get started ... but all did start with a tiny habit 10 years ago, you don't have to go all out on a routine in a gym, or boring yourself to death with something you don't like. There are enough options.

Expanding on the gym comment. I've been going to small gyms for 20+ years and always loved the community there. When our gym shut down for lockdowns, I had enough space and equipment to invite folks to train in my driveway. I now host folks every evening to do workouts. Great for community! We haven't even thought of going back to a gym even though everything is open again. We like the community that we've grown into.

> I joined a gym 4 years ago, and a lot of my friends now I've met through that gym.

Is it common for strangers to actually approach each other in the gym? At least here everyone goes from machine to machine listening to music and making as little contact as possible and the few times I've been approached was just to ask how many sets I have left. I've been surprised just how much that seems to differ from place to place.

Phoenix? Because I have been living in southern Arizona for 5 years now and have also found this frustrating.

Intermural sports teams - highly recommend.

At the right gym you'll also find community.

Separately just being a regular at a bar is a very good way to get to know people, again you need to find the right spot.

I'm not religious but I know many people who find community there. Other places I've seen friends have success are gaming guilds/circles and fraternities (Mason lodges, etc.)

Speaking of which I grow my friend circle by meeting friends of friends and then developing my own first order friendships with them.

I've longed for a secular "church". A place to gather with the community on Sunday to listen to a non-religious sermon (the importance of self-control and techniques to help; the role emotions play in our lives, what they are, where they come from, and how to manage them), form smaller interest groups, and connect with people in the area. I believe The School of Life [0] tried this in London but I don't see any mention of it on their website today.

I've had luck with sports, specifically cycling. Check out Strava for groups in your area and just show up to a ride and introduce yourself.

[0] https://www.theschooloflife.com/

Yeah we need a new church that’s non-religious. I’m okay with having roman style statues and shrines though

Check out https://www.sundayassembly.org/ referenced elsewhere

Eaaasy:

- Meetup.com - If you don't find a community for something you want to do, then start one!

- Local sports clubs

- Volunteering

- Start going to EDM parties - pretty soon you'll see the same people. Say, "hi".

- Facebook groups for pretty much everything.

- Do what kids in the 80's did, and many still do: go to the local playground, and ask if you could also play with them.

You're not too old, you're not too "different". Don't be a pussy, and get out of your head.

When my mom moved to a new city I recommended she look for a hiking Meetup as a way to make some friends, and she ended up meeting her future husband there!

Isn’t this the plot to Back to the Future?

> Do what kids in the 80's did, and many still do: go to the local playground, and ask if you could also play with them.

I was a stay at home dad for a couple years, and I made a lot of long term friends this way. In one case I saw a guy riding his bike with a 2yo on the back so we chased them down and asked if they wanted to hang out and do bike nerd stuff together. That was almost 6 years ago and we're still friends

Raves, particularly ones that are designed to be “transformative” like Lightning in a Bottle in California.

Music festivals with camping are magical ways to build community and inspire yourself around other like minded and curious people. I never attended these events until a near death experience prioritized my love of dancing in my early 30. Now nearly 10 years later I'm even more convinced this is the way.

Lightning in a Bottle was amazing this year. Something about camping in a harsh environment really brings you closer with your friends, and the whole community there is so welcoming and energizing. Music has been bringing communities together for 1000s of years, and festivals like that really show how true that is.

How do you find out about these? I hear about some by word of mouth but I'd like to accelerate the process.

I've found one by going to smaller EDM/DJ sets on weekdays and talking to people - it's not a huge crowd so people tend to chill and chat. Never ended up going to the actual event - it was more of a local burner/art event, but it was definitely a word of mouth kind of thing

Yeah, regional burns are definitely my jam. I guess I just gotta ask folks what other events they are going to whenever I'm at one. Yay network effects!

Have you been to Burning Man or various Burner regional events that take place all over the world?

Username checks out… I imagine much of this community you reference is mostly intoxicated with mind altering substances? Curious how that contributes to said community.

Always had a thing for radio control, so eventually in 2015 or so I had a look online and discovered crawlers (1:10 scale replicas of 4x4/AWD/rock crawlers). There are quite a number available to purchase in ready to run form, and self-build kits.

Lost interest in the geeky side of mechanics and electronics - they're neccessary to buy, or make a body. Jeeps, Land Rovers and Toyotas seem to be favourites.

The thing I love about it is two-fold - first is building unique bodies never done before, using styrene. Second are the events, where you meet other RC geeks, see everyone else's builds, take part in comptetions (individual and team events). In France there's an annual event that runs a pretty sweet Camel Trophy event. SuperScale in Germany is amazing for having the longest 1:10 scale bridge seen in the hoppy. USTE (Ultimate Scale Truck Expo) in Florida USA holds the largest scale RC event I've attended/know of.

Axial Fest in the US is also a big deal in the calendar, but I've never been. They have a "float you rig" challenge which got me building rafts for my trucks. Herds of fun.

Some of my trucks and build progression at https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/RcTrucks.aspx

I also get a kick out of building houses/bridges/and so on for events - some of those are here - https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/RcBuildings.aspx

My most ambitious build took 5 years to (almost) complete - https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/FordF5Coe.aspx

Woah. I was expecting something like my traxxas but this is way more, nice work!!

Folk music. I've been playing Irish traditional music as a hobby for years and it has always been an excellent gateway to making friends with like-minded people.

Pursuing a hobby seriously and finding others who are also into said hobby is a great way to make meaningful connections with others.

For me it's jazz, but similar deal. Actually, I like the fact that jazz musicians come from all walks of life: Professional, working class, even homeless. And that they don't give a rat's ass about the drama of my day job, so I can leave it at the door.

Lately I've been going to "old time" fiddle jams (with my cello or double bass). It's a super chill community, welcoming of strangers, with a rich heritage to learn from even if it seems superficially simplistic.

Do you, by chance, work at Cowboy Feng's Spacebar and Grille? If so, I'd recommend sticking close to it.

Mountain Biking - you get a really varied cross section of society bonding over a shared love of getting muddy and acting like 12 year olds in the woods. My club’s age range is from 20 - 76, and contains aCardiac surgeon, plumber, retired clown, journalist, a couple of coppers, a rabbit farmer and of course the requisite number of IT workers the sport attracts.

Fostering rescue animals has a double payoff–the animals themselves keep you company, and you'll meet a lot of people through the shelter or rescue you volunteer at. It's also one of the few ways to get to hang out with a litter of juvenile kittens.

Volunteering for FIRST programs (FRC, FTC, FLL, etc) and similar programs would be right up the alley of anyone here. I find it incredibly fulfilling. You can mentor a team directly and/or volunteer at events; both are rewarding in their own way.

There are many different roles that you can fill. For example, next competition season I will try to become a CSA (Control Systems Advisor). They help teams troubleshoot various issues during competitions and even during matches. The role requires excellent problem-solving and communication skills.

As my description suggests, roles are well-defined, as are the relationships between them. This structure neatly avoids most of the messiness about unclear decision-making hierarchies that can be found in some other volunteer organizations. It also avoids something that really annoys me about some other volunteering opportunities, which is an unclear path of advancement to "the good roles". Of course, advancement isn't required at all and I'd guess most people don't think about it; it's just something I care about.

You asked, so I'll tell you: My local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses. https://jw.org.

I've never been happier in my life, and the sense of purpose, community, and security has never been higher. I won't espouse any religious teachings here, that's what the link above is for should you choose to visit it.

The most amazing part is that it's genuine and trustworthy. It's all made of imperfect humans to be sure, but you'll be hard pressed to find more trustworthy people who show a sincere genuine interest and truly care.

Eh, it's genuine as long as you subscribe to their set of beliefs. This may not be a problem for you, but for folks who care about reality, it could be more difficult.

The difference between this and say, a rec soccer team, is that it's an all-or-nothing endeavor. You can't "casually" become a Jehovah's Witness (or any other religion), you have to decide that your entire life is aligned to those principles.

I'm not knocking it (here, anyway), but I would hesitate to join a religion to make friends.

> it's an all-or-nothing endeavor

I don't know anything about Jehovah's Witnesses but certainly there are a lot of religions that are comfortable with people coming by out of curiosity and/or participating sporadically.

I think that's how most people do it.

They're referring to what happens if you join the faith, and then leave it: Defellowshipping, aka shunning.

I googled the word and the first google hit tells me that if I am following those rules, it's not cool for me to say hello to someone in that state of being.

Yeah, JW are, to put it mildly, nuts. They also outlaw blood transfusions. They literally expect you to just die if you experience any sort of trauma.

That's right, we choose not to accept blood transfusions. But, "literally expect you to just die if you experience any sort of trauma." is outright wrong. We strongly value life! We spend a lot of time and resources to understand transfusion alternatives, of which there are many, and we each individually make the decisions as to what types of treatment we will accept.

If you want to find out what we actually believe: https://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/faq/jehovahs-witnes...

> But, "literally expect you to just die if you experience any sort of trauma." is outright wrong.

How's this: "literally expect you to die if you're in need of a blood transfusion to survive". Seems pretty much in line what what you espouse.

Let me ask you a direct question, and I hope you'll respond directly.

Lets say all of those "transfusion alternatives" demonstrably fail, and someone has two choices left: Transfuse or Die; you might phrase that as "Transfuse or Pray", but either way...

...What then? When all other options are exhausted, the prayers aren't working, and your last chance to live involves transfusions, are they permissible?

They aren't. That's where a strong future hope comes in, and the desire to follow God's laws over all else.

That doesn't make it easy, but if one truly believes something, shouldn't they be be willing to make sacrifices for it? People don't think twice about giving their life for their country, so why would somebody be any less convicted?

Travolta lost millions of dollars on Battlefield Earth. That's commitment!

A country is a real thing. What if someone truly believed in Santa Claus and was ready to sacrifice their life believing that will save Santa/follow his teachings? Would you think that's ridiculous?

Now replace Santa with God, this is what atheists believe...

Would JW like to outlaw transfusions? Like, do many of them believe it should be illegal, like many catholics believe birth control should be illegal?

No, we don't impose our beliefs on others, and we stay out of all politics. We respect everyone's right to choose for themselves.

Ah thanks, didn't realize JW do not vote! Interesting!

There are quite a lot of varying degrees of casual believers in religion. I grew up in a family of Christians/Catholics who never go to church, rarely say grace, have never personally read the Bible, but still believe in God/afterlife/etc and have personal beliefs that are molded from religious teachings.

I know at least for the Christian based religious groups I'm aware of, you don't even need to share faith to be part of the community.

Believe it or not, they don't get into fist fights when they meet someone of another faith either.

For Jehovah's Witnesses specifically, this could not be further from the truth [0], and for Christian groups generally, you beg the question here by ceding one must believe in that religion's concept of a deity/afterlife/etc. Such a belief is extremely hard to come by if not raised in that religion, and even harder if you're attached to reality's cause-effect relationships. Not impossible! But hard.

And you're right; warring religious groups don't use fists...

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witnesses_congrega...

Citing a disciplinary rulebook is not citing reality.

And the bible is... what exactly? :)

This is a stupidly glib comment. The poster meant that the reality of life as a Jehova's Witness cannot be gleaned from looking at some document of the religion, and I think you knew that, but decided to take a shot at the Bible anyways because you've been acculturated to think that dunking on religion is both correct and acceptable.

It should be acceptable, why not?

Yeah it is, when you’re talking about being a “casual” Jehovah’s Witness.

That’s not a thing. They’re probably among the worst examples of religion as a hobby.

Even non-believers have had their beliefs shaped in part by experiences with religion. In the case of joining a religious community, adhering to the dogma is usually important, let alone preferred.

I also have known "Catholic-lite" adherents, but they ultimately identify as Catholic. Anyway some of the minor sects don't take the distinctions between theirs and others lightly.

Religious cults prey on the weak. Their entire recruitment ethos is based around offering vulnerable people help in times of need.

Nobody joins for purely the social aspect. "All or nothing" is fairly accurate.

> Eh, it's genuine as long as you subscribe to their set of beliefs. This may not be a problem for you, but for folks who care about reality, it could be more difficult.

Sounds like any friend/social group that has strong political beliefs too? Was enlightening to see this in 2016 when I shared I didn't vote for Hillary. Heaven forbid I voted libertarian, was like having a scarlet letter on my chest.

Not related, as politics are a disagreement about forms of reality. Religion necessitates you believe in something beyond reality.

Also good for your friends, they were right.

My mum some years back got involved in a church (as a non religious person).

She somehow ended up giving talks at church events and got invited to speak out of town (she would talk about subjects such as helping refugees etc).

Eventually though she felt like she was being excluded in subtle ways and being asked to give too much of her time.

I also went to a couplebbible reading events some years back (free food lol) as my gf used to be religious and wanted me to go along.

Everyone was nice, food was good, but I couldn't get over how everyone in the group would listen to a story (which would literally make zero sense) and swallow it down as if it was a bed time story.

Religion is weird.

> Religion is weird.

I think it's fair to say that there are people who:

{believe | disbelieve} x {true things | false things} x {for good reasons | for bad reasons}.

Deciding what's true can be a challenge.

> Deciding what's true can be a challenge.

It's not too hard when you hear ridiculous stories and treat them as if they were to happen today.

The one I remember from the church event was about a big guy that couldn't be subdued and then ended up breaking through chains.

So many questions from a single statement. Everyone else literally sat there and didn't blink an eye.

> It's not too hard when you hear ridiculous stories and treat them as if they were to happen today.

Maybe it hinges on which parts of the stories you imagining happening today.

E.g., if Jesus rose from the dead next week, I'd find it pretty thought-provoking. If he were merely crucified but stayed dead, I'd cross Christianity of my list of plausible world views.

I.e., a lot really depends on whether or not those miraculous events actually happened.

> if Jesus rose from the dead next week, I'd find it pretty thought-provoking. If he were merely crucified but stayed dead, I'd cross Christianity of my list of plausible world views.

In today’s environment, how would you evaluate the truth value of a claim like that? It seems like the only way to 100% convinced of the truth would be as a first-hand witness, unless there was some kind of detailed and airtight evaluation.

Maybe the foundation document for the next world religion will be a 100-page paper that definitely establishes causality.

Yeah, good point. We're definitely in an age of super-powered disinformation.

As a believer - thanks for the insight! Normative acceptance of bizarre claims must feel odd. I guess there is a passing familiarity with some of these stories in some of these communities that means they are either unexceptional or at least, not the “main game” as supernatural beliefs go — but that must have felt strange!

Most faith communities I’ve been part of have had some form of space for questions and encouraged discussion about stories they have heard. I’ve found probably 1 in 10 people would start a discussion about this and maybe half would engage with it, suggesting community is a big part of the draw but also that for a significant minority, community is centred on some of these “big if they were to happen today” events.

I do think wrestling with our reality to understand the nature of the world is a pretty powerful force for creating meaningful relationships! But this depth can also be uncomfortable or abstract at times.

Religion is a special kind of thing that's quite different. It isn't like a philosophy or believing vaccines don't work. It's a structure of your reality.

Once you learn that parables may exist and are never literal, but can still impart wisdom, it makes more sense.

Religion wouldn't be a problem if people understood the difference between descriptive and prescriptive text. Churches don't teach this.

The fundamentalists don't teach it, many do.

I was involved in multiple churches for over 20 years, none of them taught it, none were fundamentalists.

JW are all or nothing, but lots of other religious communities accept various degrees of unbelief: various Jewish denominations, Quakers, Unitarians, Episcopalians, Western-style Buddhists, etc. Catholicism is officially all or nothing but if you're born into it, there are a lot of liberal parishes where you're not expected to actually believe it. There was an Episcopalian meme circulating in the 00s where it showed a picture of the controversial liberalizing American Archbishop with the text "Don't believe in that crap? Neither do we."[1] That's pretty standard among mainline denominations.

[1]: http://mliccione.blogspot.com/2006/11/apropos-of-episcopal-p...

   but I would hesitate to join a religion to make friends.

Agreed. That isn't what I suggested. I answered the question asked. Nowhere did I say somebody should attain to becoming a JW to have more friends. That's the exact wrong reason in fact.

So is “community” or anything else OP asked about, if you aren’t capable or comfortable with disregarding reality.

Religions are very different. Imagine Islam vs. Buddhism for example. The GP point is a valid one: fellowship alongside a shared set of core beliefs is invaluable. The problem is not all shared beliefs have equal merit.

I could be a white supremacist and find great fellowship with other white supremacists but this would be destructive in the long run, in the short term to others due to my prejudice but in the longer term to myself because those beliefs are objectively abhorrent. But not all shared belief systems are abhorrent.

Instead, groups of people for centuries have found camaraderie exploring what it means to follow a certain historical figure, Jesus Christ. Looking at his teachings you can see that this will lead to vastly different outcomes than following a Joseph Smith, a Muhammad, a Richard Dawkins, etc.

You don't have to subscribe to their set of beliefs. They are not telepaths, they don't know whether you actually believe or not.

For that matter, it's debatable whether or not the believers actually believe things. They probably wonder themselves sometimes. They don't often make a big deal out of it, if they do find themselves no longer believing... and there is a conceptual framework built into the religion (that of "loss of faith").

Like the ancient religions, being willing to perform the rituals non-cynically is really the only requirement. You and everyone else already perform dozens of non-religious rituals and think nothing of it. What's a few more?

I mean, don't do it if you don't want to. But don't pretend the option's not open to you. Even if there's a clever believer there that somehow reads your mind, you're not unwelcome at most of these places even then.

>I'm not knocking it (here, anyway)

>but for folks who care about reality

You tried

Sincere question: when did you join JW, and what was your immediate reason for doing so?

The reason I ask is that there are a lot of people recommending churches (of various kinds) in this thread, and I take it most of the non-religious among us would very much not be comfortable regularly attending a religious organization's meetings purely for community, while not believing any the things that organization believes. (With the exception of religious organizations that are explicitly accepting of people with any faith, such as Unitarian Universalists.)

To me, it's sort of implicit in the question that what we are looking for is something you can show up to and get involved purely because you want somewhere to show up and get involved, without people side-eyeing you because of that or expecting something more than that (like a declaration of faith) in the months or years to come.

I was raised around it but decided to become baptized at 19. I'm in my 40's now. Reason? Life, the world around me, and pretty much everything just made better sense. I feel secure and happy this way, and I like it. I'm plenty open minded, and I've studied other belief systems, but I made a conscious choice that I stick to because it makes the most sense to me.

Some people think that because many of us have left other ways behind that we're fanatical or something- nope, we just found something that makes more sense to us than anything else, and genuinely believe we've found the things most others are still looking for- meaning to life, answers to why things are the way they are, and a secure future.

We're welcoming of anybody who wants to visit and check us out. We expect that if somebody doesn't want to share in our beliefs that they'll probably move on, and that's fine. We aren't about membership, we're about showing people what the Bible says about things.

To that end, we've re-evaluated the Bible without any pre-conceptions, which is why a lot of other religious that believe in things like the Trinity or the immortal soul look at us as heretical or crazy. But, when we objectively looked at the Bible (KJV originally) we didn't find those things, so we don't believe them. Pretty simple really.

Are you allowed to have non-JW friends?

We're encouraged to keep other JW's as our closest associates. But being a JW isn't rule based, it's principal based. We look to the Bible as our guide in all regards. https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/questions/friends-in-t...

If it isn't rule based, what's with the shunning of people who break rules?

Because it's not about rule breaking specifically- not everyone who breaks rules are shunned. https://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/faq/shunning/

What are some examples of acts if done repeatedly would lead to this action?

> we've re-evaluated the Bible without any pre-conceptions, which is why a lot of other religious that believe in things like the Trinity or the immortal soul look at us as heretical or crazy

Kinda reminds me of what the Christadelphians say about themselves as well. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christadelphians

Might be interesting to look at a point-by-point comparison between JW and Christadelphians.

At least for Protestant Christian churches, there can be ambiguity about the purpose / audience of a church meeting.

Some meetings are intended as outreach to non-Christians. E.g., to present reasons for being Christian, or to let outsiders see what a typical worship service is actually like.

Some meetings (or parts of meetings) only make sense for actual Christians: singing worship songs, testifying what they believe God is doing in the world, or taking communion.

I think a lot of awkward discomfort stems from lack of clarity on these points, and confusion about which attendees are professing Christians.

> who show a sincere genuine interest and truly care.

...until you decide it's not for you and you are summarily kicked out and effectively exiled.

I am glad it works for you but JW acts like cult, and probably is a cult. I've seen first hand the damage it does to people who choose to no longer partake.

From this source: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/4zzruz/iama_exjehovah...

'Those who leave the faith are called "apostates" and are "disfellowshipped", a term for formal expulsion and shunning, where members are "prohibited from talking, and even from saying 'hello' to them".

I'm an atheist that's generally anti religion, but I think it's unfair to dismiss OP's personal experience as an invalid answer to the question.

You could say this community is implicitly a secular one, but OP's answer frames things within HN's guidelines.

I guess in the spirit of HN's intellectual curiosity, we should at least acknowledge alternative life experiences here.

Church. Religion is a practice, find good people to practice good things with.

My son died at birth in August of 2022. A month later, my wife found a group of 30-some Loss Dads who at the time met monthly via Zoom. I quickly bonded with all the Dads there, despite most of us never having met each other in person. I attribute our strong bond to us sharing a rare and intense life experience, as well as to the fact that it's still difficult to find support, and even willingness to talk about, with friends and family who have not experienced child loss. Fast forward to today, we have an active Discord server and meet on Zoom bi-weekly. The group has also recently filed for a non-profit status and has raised funds and materials to help grieving parents as well as hospitals.

If you're a grieving Dad and are looking for support from other grieving Dads, please email me at milancurcic@hey.com.

I've found it in Freemasonry. A sense of purpose and brotherhood, community support, etc. Being a part of the fraternity has introduced me to many other aspects of everything, but especially non-technical people. Knowing and being around men that also strive to be a better person, resonated with me. I don't have enough time to devote to their various projects and meetings, but what I can give, I do; and that is always returned. Friendship, fellowship and like minded goals. Freemasonry is my non tech outside the house outlet. Good experiences.

There is a beautiful Freemason temple about 2 blocks from my house, one of my favorite buildings in the area. How does one get an invite to an event?

Just google the lodge meeting there, go to their website and send them an email.

Contrary to common perception, Freemasonry isn't a secret - or secretive - society. Usually, they'll be happy to oblige.

F3 https://f3nation.com

I was feeling very lonely working remote. We moved to a Memphis TN to be closer to family and I was struggling with feeling like an outsider. I grew up playing sports and tried CrossFit but hated paying so much for a gym. F3 workouts are free and I thought I was going for the fitness aspect, but the fellowship is what really stuck. Guys hung out after workouts and it was great to meet so many guys from so many different walks of life.

I've heard these quickly become alt-right incubation machines. The "fellowship" becomes "brotherhood" and then you got a cult-militia going pretty easy after that.

There's no ignoring how the pictures can look externally. For example, I never imagined myself wearing a rucksack for fitness. In my experience though, the community is filled with men from all walks of life, political views, etc. I suppose like any group, its local membership is what most defines your experience. I've personally met lots of guys that I would have never met at church, work, etc because I worked out with them at F3.

God forbid people have different political opinions to you... they must be those scary militias

Anyone whose political ideals include exclusion or destruction of classes of people may be "scary" to those classes, and in any case I am willing to be intolerant to people who have vocally, explicitly broken the social contract we all usually abide by.

I moved to an old people's home. I now always have 84 nearest and dearest friends 24/7 always.

When one of them dies, somebody else moves in.

So you work for old people and you still browse HN?

Community living! I've lived in various communes for 8 years now. I don't use the term coliving space as I feel a lot of places that go under that moniker are commercially driven and not particularly community based. The houses I've lived in are very rooted in where they're based, host a lot of events, and (crucially I think) are not for profit - they're designed to sustain themselves rather than maximize $ for the landlord. This post has a bunch of resources to see if there are any community houses near you: https://supernuclear.substack.com/p/directory-of-coliving-di...

Stage Rally (motorsport).

The community is amazing. I've had competitors help fix my car between stages, in pitch black, in the middle of the desert.

Volunteering is an easy way to get involved and is really appreciated! You go to interesting, sometimes beautiful places, help run timing, radio, etc.

You can also volunteer to help specific teams as crew. The driver will usually cover all your expenses to get to the rally and feed you. We're building our next car atm (a VW Scirocco).

Check out NASA Rally Sport, American Rally Association, and CRC for those in Canada. There is never an off season, there are always events.

Note - if you plan to drive - start with RallyCross - and buy an already built car (it's 1-2x cheaper).

I am super interested in getting into motorsports as a driver but really not sure how/where to start. Why do you say to start with RallyCross? Is it best to still start by volunteering as a first way of getting involved? What are useful skills to have/develop for volunteering? Do you recommend doing some kind of rally driving school / classes like DirtFish? Do you find sim racing useful as prep/practice if you drive, and if so, which game - DiRT Rally? DiRT Rally 2.0? Something else?

Sorry for the question whirlwind lol, please feel free to answer only some or none, thank for all the info in your OP regardless.

Hey! so, you asked me about my hobby, so you're gonna get a book :)

Feel free to email me via gmail, I'm Devon.

RallyCross - just show up with a stock car, preferably some simple FWD car. Learn how to remove the ABS fuse before you go, and bring a tire pressure gauge. A lot of newbies don't remove the ABS fuse and they have to unlearn how to drive with the computer doing weird things that slow them down (the computer is designed to save your life, not go fast. If it was programmed to go fast, it'd make you faster, but it's not). With RallyX, just show up. At least skim SCCA rallyx rules, checkout norcalrallycross.com[0] if you're in the SF bay area - there is an event coming up early June at prairie city. People win their class all the time with 90hp, so you don't need a powerful car[1].

At every event there are new people, who have no idea what they are doing, so stuff is already in place to make the first time fairly easy.

My first event I drove 7hrs in my clapped out VW golf daily driver and just showed up - I was 19. If I can do it, you can do it!

With RallyCross, you might break the car, but it's rare. You won't push the car hard enough as a new driver to break it, and you probably won't go over 40mph, but it's a lot of fun. You'll generally see one car break out of 60 at an event and it's almost always a modified car. The most common failure is tires de-beading, so AAA is helpful, but really people are around with compressed air etc so not a big deal. Modern stock cars are very tough, compared to stuff from the 80s-90s with weak engine mounts and control arms. You can also "borrow" a car with the "insurance" - I've done this lots of times and just pressure wash the car before I return it... usually cleaner than I picked it up.

Volunteering - this is complicated. But with stage rally they are always expecting new people, and there are always "intro" positions. If you can do basic math (this car arrived at this time and left the previous stage at this time) you can do timing, and you get to stand next to every car and see it launch/finish. If you're a HAM, you can do radio. Some volunteers do tech.

You basically fill out the form with your experience and the organizer puts you somewhere. You don't really wanna volunteer for RallyX as it would be very boring, Rally is different. If you want to start with RallyX, and you should, you just bring your car and show up.

My first volunteering experience was Mendocino Rally, which is sadly now defunct. I "only" did finish control timing, but the night before I got to sleep under the stars in Mendocino forest and sit around a fire and drink with a bunch of radio guys. Tons of fun. Or, it could be terrible and cold and miserable. That's rally.

In terms of Schools I've been to a few (O'Neil, CRS, Primitive, visited DirtFish) - I prefer Tim O'Neil in New Hampshire. I personally find them really friendly, and if you go in the winter, near Christmas, and buy your tickets on black Friday, you get like half off and get to slide around in the snow with AWD cars. CRS is great if you want to dip your toes.

Games - I personally love DR2. It's fun, and I find it feels closer to cars I've driven, although some people swear by Richard Burns Rally. I personally feel like RBR is like driving on ice even on the gravel stages, which I didn't find super accurate or fun. The main thing with games is you learn pace, and you learn to "look where you want to go", which is like the most important thing in rally because if you target fixate on a tree you will hit it... but this applies to all motorsport.

The game will also let you practice left-foot-braking, which is useful to help balance the car or at least bring weight back to the front to make a tight turn in Rallyx.

[0] there is also californiarallyseries.com

[1] I've taken everything from Honda Accords and Civics to trucks and minivans. I prefer 2WD because I like cars that feel nimble. My favorite stock cars to RallyCross include the Chevy Spark (very competitive if it's not too hot out for the CVT) and Hyundai Elantra.

Thank you so much for all this info and encouragement, I really appreciate you taking the time to share so much advice/experience & it makes the prospect of actually doing it feel way more possible/realistic. And thank you for the email offer - I may well take you up on it in the future. Nice to meet you Devon, I'm Ilya.

Religion. You automatically have something in common, and religious people are usually of a high quality because they live for something more than just themselves, as opposed to secular people. Of course, there are terrible, and I mean truly terrible, people in religious communities, and you should identify them and then stay the hell away from them. But the good ones are REALLY good. As an added bonus, you get to grow, and also help build and develop a community that will be all the richer for your involvement. It's a win-win-win (you, them, the world at large). Give it a shot. What you do you have lose? ;)

> religious people are usually of a high quality because they live for something more than just themselves, as opposed to secular people

this is a very prejudiced view.

> and religious people are usually of a high quality because they live for something more than just themselves, as opposed to secular people

I'd say it's the opposite, but that's just me.

I second this. Going to "academic catholic community" 6 years ago was one of the best decisions in my life honestly. We formed a group of closed friends there. Now we celebrate together birthdays, Christmas, etc. These are the people who help you when you are lost in the middle of nowhere (also metaphorically). Interestingly, not all of us are "believers" right now but it does not affect our bonds.

Of course, I met some crazy people in that community but with sufficiently large group you can find good guys and bad guys everywhere. You can find religious groups which don't force you to do anything. They may even value a philosophical questioning and discussion.

My girlfriend used Bumble BFF to find friends and the friends she found had partners. We found a community surprisingly quickly. But we explicitly wanted the opposite of what it seems many here want: more friends in tech. We wanted a more balanced community.

Now we have friends we hike with, mountain bike with, ski with, go mushroom foraging, host dinners, play trivia, etc.

I also started a series of gravel bicycle races. Sometimes starting something you love is a great way to gather like minded people.

https://iowagravelseries.com/

Old school Magic the Gathering / Premodern. Bunch of dudes around the world that like playing an old game with old cards. I travel internationally for tournaments once a year or so. And travel a lot within Sweden.

Local coffee places and bars; like minded people rock up all the time. Met lovely people just today; gonna meet them in an a few weeks for a hike. Never worked for me for focused envs, for instance the gym: too much whining about sports/health and not stuff I actually like.

Embarrassing / dumb q, but how do you actually get to talking with them in a meaningful way? I can imagine with repeats, it's easier to build up rapport, but I don't think I've ever hit it off so strongly with someone at a coffee shop that we exchange info after one interaction (mine here aren't super social fwiw)

You didn't ask me and I'm definitely not suggesting you exclusively go out to bars but if you're in a nicer neighborhood, especially with patrons that skew older, you can basically flat out ask them for advice like you did here and you'll usually get a dump truck of it and their personal stories in exchange for your name and buying a few beers. You might even get invited to a backyard cookout that same weekend.

Alcohol is a double-edged sword because it breaks down barriers. It's your call what you do with the information and experiences it provides. It isn't too bad if you're careful.

You can take all that as a way to level up and be more sociable in sober settings like coffee shops. It translates to everywhere. People aren't different when they're sober apart from being slightly more defensive due to stress. That's actually a pretty good conversation starter if done in a non-confrontational way. The main skill is just learning to be genuinely interested in other people. It's easy to mimic this and return the favor when you've seen enough of this kind of attention given to you.

“Hey sorry to bother you, did you have a minute, I noticed you around here for a bit and I was interested in knowing how you got up to here”

Something like that? What’s in it for them for telling you. Is it hard to not sound like you’re soliciting

That's too many words and also implies you have that much of a choice over who you talk to when you're new. Some places are meant to be more social than others. Emphasis is on "nice neighborhood bar", i.e. not a dive full of shady sour-faced dudes who whine about drink prices, don't tip, and are looking to "score" or whatever. Doesn't have to be fancy, just not the college crowd.

The default move for pretty much anyone new is to find an open seat at the bar near people who are also there alone (you know because they're sitting apart). Order a drink and try to guess simple questions or comments they might also have in mind. Try to keep it lighthearted. In fact the more restrained you are the more some of those people are going to be weirded out by you. You're expected to be comfortable. They want you to say something. The best way to avoid the extra words is to say things when you're also doing something else. If you are ordering a drink next to them, they're already listening and watching you. If you turn to them to say anything in that moment you didn't need to break any ice.

Everyone likes answering questions about themselves because they're there to be seen as much as you. Notice something and be nice. 90% of the time even just "nice shoes..." will get a smile and an in. "Where did you get them?" Next part depends on the shoes: "What do you do? Do you run? Do you hike? Did you just get out of work (non-slip/uniform)? Did you just come back from a wedding? Do you make balloon animals? (kidding)" "What are you drinking? Nice choice. Have you visited that brewery down the road? You watch football? Have you had the food here? Why don't they ever put enough salt? Can you pass the salt? Hey what's the bartender's name? Melissa! Can I get some silverware and salt? Thanks so much, oh and a shot for my friend." etc.

The hardest part is the first friends, but they also determine what other people you'll meet. Don't overthink it if it seems everyone's the same. Just pick the person you were most interested in first because if you don't then people will still assume that's why you're near them instead.

EDIT: I can't believe I glossed over your question, but...

> What’s in it for them for telling you.

What's in it for them is the same as what's in it for you. You want to relax somewhere and meet new people. For some people there's not much in it for them other than being a friend to someone who needs it. For yet still others, they simply don't ask such questions because they think the mindset of needing to always make a return sounds like work, and they're not there to work.

I joined the Freemasons. It's been awesome, I've met a great group of guys and we talk smack and eat soup. Good stuff.

How does it work ? I always kind of assumed you had to be invited to join, that it was not something you can just go to and register ?

As far as I understand as a non-member, but as someone who has talked to one, they are really hurting for new members. I'm pretty sure if you just find a local lodge and email them they'd be happy to give an invite.

"To be one, ask one" is their common saying about how to join. There are 3 degrees (entered apprentice, fellow craft, and master mason). Typically, someone who wants to join a lodge will contact the secretary of the lodge to express their interest. The secretary should provide information on either 'stated communications' (regular meetings) or some informal event that would be conducive to meeting some of the members of the lodge. Once the person decides that they want to join a specific lodge, they should ask the secretary (or whoever else) for a petition. You fill out the petition and then the lodge will form an 'investigating committee' to meet with you personally to determine whether they would be willing to have you join. The investigating committee then reports their findings at the next stated meeting. The lodge then votes on whether to accept the petition (or not). After the vote, the secretary will notify the applicant and ask them to come to the lodge on a specific date and time for the initiation as an entered apprentice (the first degree).

If there are multiple lodges in your area, I would highly encourage you to visit all of them. Every lodge has its own personality. You might be a good fit for one lodge and a poor fit for another.

Disclosure: I used to be a card-carrying Freemason.

Used to?

Yes, I am no longer a member. However, I still do my best to follow the teachings.

Can I ask why you are no longer a Mason?

My great grandfather was a Mason, but having grown up Catholic I understand that there's a bit more nuance and trickiness behind it if I wanted to join. I've been curious about it for a while.

I want to preface my answer by saying that these were my experiences. It's very important to point out that not all lodges are the same and not all Grand Lodges (at the state level in US) are the same.

I have to give some context of how things are in the US. At its most basic level, Freemasonry is what you hear Masons refer to as the 'blue lodge'. The blue lodge has 3 degrees. There are a number of affiliated or 'appendant bodies' that tie into the Masonic family. The Scottish Rite has 32 degrees (and a 33rd degree that is bestowed on someone deserving after a number of years and much service). There is also the York Rite. I don't know much about the York Rite because I never belonged to it. Then there is the Shrine - the guys who wear the red fezzes and commonly participate in parades.

At one time, a Mason (3rd degree in blue lodge) had to first belong to either the Scottish Rite or the York Rite BEFORE they were eligible to join the Shrine. To be clear, only Masons can join the Shrine. Back in the early 2000s, the Shrine dropped the requirement that you also belong to either the Scottish Rite or York Rite. Why? Because it was another obstacle to getting new members and they (the Shrine) desperately needed new members to replace the ones who are dying.

[Stepping up on my Masonic soap box for a rant] The fundamental problem is that there are many who want to join the Shrine just for the fun and partying. (And speaking of fun and partying, they're the only ones who are allowed to have alcohol at their functions.) Remember me saying that to be a Shrine, you first have to be a Mason? Due to pressure from the Shrine, a significant number of lodges have resorted to one-day classes in order to obtain all 3 blue lodge degrees in a single day. Traditionally, they're given one at a time and then the person who received the degree must study and learn some 'proficiency work' that they must be able to demonstrate before being allowed to obtain the next degree. Usually, there is AT LEAST 1 MONTH between each of the 3 blue lodge degrees.

The blue lodge degrees are very special and a person who is planning to become a Master Mason (3rd degree in blue lodge) should be a part of the ritual for each degree. Why? Because it's a very special and solemn ritual and experiencing it first hand, it's easier to learn the proficiency work.

A 1-day class is where they round up about 20 guys and they're herded through the 3 degrees quickly. For each degree ritual, 1 person is selected to be the 'candidate' who actively participates in the ritual. The 19 others only watch it. They don't experience it.

The truth of the matter is that the Shrine has no real Masonic connection, yet they (the Shrine) still require their members to be Masons. So, they (the Shrine) push very hard to get 1-day classes to rush guys through so that they're then eligible to join the Shrine. The Shrine was the only affiliated organization that was allowed to have alcohol at any of their functions. Blue lodge wants to have a 'table lodge' with wine or beer? Forbidden!! This was true in the state where I was. It's possible that other states would allow it.

In summary, because of the Shrine's Masonic requirement for membership, they (the Shrine) watered down the blue lodge by: (1) 1-day classes, and (2) bringing guys through who had NO interest in Freemasonry, but were only there to have fun with the Shrine. [end of Masonic rant]

Additionally, there was lots of petty bickering. Freemasonry PROMISES a great deal! What you read about the fraternity is impressive. However, walking the walk is not nearly as common. I eventually had enough of it all and dropped out.

Again, what I described above is what I experienced in the state where I was (and I don't want to mention the state). It might be completely different in your state.

Specific rule is they can't solicit new members, as badly as they might wish to. You have to ask. The advice to check out multiple lodges is key, as they really are different. Most of the guys in mine have said they probably wouldn't have joined another one, so they're really that unique. A lot of them have pub nights and lunches where prospective members meet everyone, and having those is a good sign they're growing and lively.

When the work in masonry is good, it lets guys really, really shine. When it's weak, it's hard to watch, but seeing what any mason can do and how well he chooses to do it gives you a lot of perspective on where you are. If anyone from HN does get initiated in the Toronto area, track me down and I will show up for it.

> When the work in masonry is good, it lets guys really, really shine. When it's weak, it's hard to watch, but seeing what any mason can do and how well he chooses to do it gives you a lot of perspective on where you are.

I'm having trouble interpreting what you meant with this excerpt but it sounds interesting. Care to elaborate?

The 'work' in masonry refers to the ritual. There is some ritual involved just in opening and closing a regular meeting. However, there is a lot of ritual involved in the degrees. When the ritual for a degree is executed flawlessly, it's quite beautiful to behold. On the other hand, when those involved with the ritual aren't very good at it, it's quite painful to watch.

Edited - fix typo

I've been curious about the Freemasons. What type of people do you tend to meet through it?

Basically, people from all walks of life, which is one of Freemasonry's benefits: It allows you to meet people you wouldn't otherwise have met and get to know their perspectives and points of view.

That said, since its self-proclaimed purpose is to make good people better and a Mason should attempt to become better version of themselves, you'll most likely find people who seek purpose and self-improvement beyond shallow self-optimization (honing your skills is very much encouraged, too, though).

It all depends on the lodge! Many lodges are struggling to stay alive and are desperate for new members. It's not uncommon to find a lodge of mostly really old men where they lose more (to deaths) than they gain from new members.

That's a bit of a fear of mine in checking it out tbh. "Desperate for new members" gives me some hesitancy.

It should give some hesitancy. However, not every lodge is desperate for new members (really!).

Not quite outside of work but separate from my clients and employers. I have found it at my Coworking space.

Sadly, in my experience, few Coworking spaces provide the things good communities provide.

I recommend trying all the Coworking spaces near you until you find the one that feels right.

Like good coffee shops, it’s usually the ones that aren’t part of a chain that are best. High-end interior design, flashy marketing and all the amenities you can imagine aren’t the things that matter.

I’ve been doing ground school and getting into flying lessons, but what has been really interesting and surprising was the strong community that lurks just behind the wall you have to climb to enter. It can be a cost prohibitive hobby but a lot of people make it into a career. You get a lot of different types of people and they are welcoming. I’ve done work for people in exchange for for some wet hours on their plane

I would recommend this - you don't even have to get your license, just start hanging around on weekends at the local airstrip and you'll find the groups.

I played tennis in a rec league a long time ago. It was not community but a substitute for light social interaction.

I guess similar things exist for Golf and pickleball.

I grew up in India and now live in the U.S.

Socializing or being a part of a community is surprisingly very very hard.

I know some Indians and Pakistani who play pickleball.

I know rather more Indians who play cricket. I think you have to have critical mass to get a cricket team going though... Not everywhere has enough interest.

Socializing with "in groups" like Indians getting to know Indians is not what I was referring to in my original comment.

I was talking about socializing outside of "in groups" which is what I found challenging.

The nice thing about pickleball is that it's often drop in play, so you can show up whenever is convenient for you and play with random people. This is indeed a light social interaction, but the people who regular eventually get to know each other. Where I live there is a strong pickleball community.

I was an athlete in college and struggled to find community after joining the working world…

… so I built a platform to connect college and pro athletes in-person around sports and shared interests.

Would love any feedback on the app as we roll it out this summer! https://apps.apple.com/us/app/adak/id6444288312

HONK!-style bands - street/brass bands - you don't need to be good - you can learn an instrument and just hang out and play fun music. Through mine, we've played at Mardi Gras (Chewbacchus), Timber!, Burning Man events, Comicons, birthdays, weddings, etc.

The Seattle festival is this weekend, see: https://honkfestwest.org/

My local Catholic parish. Besides the obvious spiritual benefits, it's a great place to connect with other families. Also, me and my wife have young children at home that act as a pretty constant source of community.

Same here! Catholic youth group, Emaus group, and i also help the people of St. Vincent de Paul ministry. I don’t have a lot lot of time so I’m not very consistent, but i sure go to at least one of them every week. Highly recommended.

The key to building relationships with people is that you need to spend time with them. A lot of time. That's a big reason why it's so easy when you're young; you're constantly put in classrooms with the same people.

It works pretty well as an adult too. Take an in person class. Something 1-2 days a week for a couple months. You meet people and you learn something.

Open source. I recently started getting back into submitting patches and hanging out on irc/matrix/discord.

I think a lot of the advice like "join the church" or "do an activity" are lost on chronically online people like myself.

For us, it should be "find an online community that makes you challenge yourself to improve", but it's hard to articulate that.

I contribute to open source myself, and I agree that it is a good way to socialize and belong to a community.

I just don't think someone should live 100% online. Having real life and strong relationships is pretty valuable, also for your mental health.

My neighborhood! I got my dog during the pandemic and its been a great way to meet my neighbors and also the people at the dog park (many of whom are also my neighbors). If you start hanging out in the same spots regularly you'll eventually meet people to talk to.

Having a dog is a huge plus since dogs are generally playful and can be a great way to start a conversation.

It’s not been mentioned yet, but if you play music then going to jam sessions is a great way to meet people. You’re all on a journey together toward improving as musicians which helps things to gel. As a jazz musician I can find a jam session in pretty much any city I go to. If you don’t play you can always go just to listen, watch and be inspired

Not a jazz guy, but open mics are a good way to meet people

Bluegrass jams too.

Seems like the less popular the genre, the more interactive the amateur musicians are.

Personally, other than school, (mandatory) military services (I really do not recommend that) and work (well, cannot recommend that either when I come to think of it), it's thruhiking (hiking a trail end to end continuously, usually over weeks or months) where I've really felt like being part of a community (or a tribe really).

I'd say a hobby always does well to build up a group. I've had a great time meeting people riding dirt bikes and cycling. Gives you a good chance to do group rides and you'll be surprised how small of a world it is.

It can be intimidating to join at first but if you have one buddy you can go with or even one person in the group you can build rapport with it helps.

The biggest thing is you have to put yourself out there. It isn't always easy but, you have to realize most people are worried to strike up a conversation first. Being willing to do so is a game changer.

I'd also say don't completely forego making friends at work. You already have something in common and there is a big opportunity for a shared circumstance and hanging out together regularly. I've made great friends at work.

1. Languages - I started going to English meetups in my town to practice English; I found a group of like-minded people that I felt comfortable with and we started doing other things together - hiking, visiting castles and museums, drinking wine and talking till 2am.

2. Cycling - I love road cycling and there is a strong sense of community around cycling. If you are training alone and a bunch of faster cyclists catches you, you can draft behind them for a while and start chatting with them when you catch your breath; if you hit it off, you exchange contacts and start riding together. There are people that I have spent years and thousands of km with. The advantage of cycling is that there is a lot of endurance rides where you can easily talk and you get to know people pretty well.

I've been a member of a number of juggling clubs over the years. If you're not into juggling, I'm sure there are other kinds of clubs around, but if you're a juggler or juggling-curious, they're great. They tend to be super open to new folks, whether they can juggle or not. Often folks would go out to eat afterward [depending on the time of the club meeting]; at one club they even had a weekly movie outing afterward for a long time.

The larger juggling community is great too--there are little festivals and larger conventions all over the world, with great shows but also great social scenes.

I met my spouse at a university juggling club. Neither of us attended the university, but we were both club members, as were lots of our friends [after a while, anyway].

Volunteer public service organizations.

Some years ago I was looking for an activity to get into that met the following needs:

  * Helps others
  * Physically active
  * Outdoors / in nature
  * Requires specialized skills
  * Gives back to the community

I was entertaining things like the local trail building groups when an article about our local Search and Rescue team mentioned they were having a recruiting meeting the next week. I applied and was accepted.

It's a highly rewarding activity - literally saving peoples lives at times - with a high-calibre of like-minded people from an incredibly diverse array of backgrounds.

I've recently moved away though and in my new area, I've joined the volunteer fire department which has a lot of the same features and benefits.

The best thing about getting into one volunteer thing is you find out about tons of other ones; the people who volunteer often do so in various semi-related groups. And you can end up with some really fun volunteering opportunities.

Hacker News. You all are my community!

I participate in a weekly simracing tournament with several others. We’re all adults with responsibilities so we’re generally not all there every week, but we have a few leagues that we run in different games. I am not particularly close to those guys but it’s a good place for my social needs to be met without having to always dedicate time that I might not have. We also have few requirements, just don’t be a jerk, so even people using a controller or people who can’t drive often attend. One guy is really slow and gets lapped quite often, but I’ve never heard any suggesting he’s not welcome.

A real world meetup would be harder for me with a job and a kid with some special needs, so a virtual thing is great for me.

For me it revolves around three pieces (1) doing some hobby activity (2) with the goal of socializing, (3) consistently over a period of time.

For (1)- climbing, board games, team sports are all some ways I specifically do this for, but in a large city almost anything you find interesting probably has a group.

For (2)- I think it's worth explicitly going in with the mindset that you want to be social. For example, I go to the gym for some me time. I have zero gym friends (even though it is a good place to make friends, if you want to). So just showing up won't be enough IMO

For (3)- community needs investment. Most of the best groups I am in did not provide a lot of value to me for months. So you have to stick it out

I don't -- all of my "communities" are through work. Not the answer you're looking for, but I've been working in tech long enough at this point that I'm pretty sure it's not going to change (for me).

I don't really even have community through work. There was more of a community when everyone was working at an office, but not to a massive extent.

(Still wouldn't go back to the office.)

I’ve found a profound virtue, sense of responsibility and selflessness since I’ve taken an oath to be in the company of a distinct group of men in my community five times daily at a maximum (or a minimum, depending on the circumstance).

We don’t gather for the sake of gathering with each other, but for the sake of the shared oath that consists of various practices and beliefs, one of which requires that we gather.

And the venue of this gathering is at enough locations that I can have this experience far from home even. The sense of community is transcends the boundaries of my locale.

I’m a Muslim. The place is a Masjid.

http://c25k.com/mobile/dawn-people.html

Running groups are very welcoming, and they're only about improving yourself - it's hard to compete with most people in a running group. If you show up enough times to a regularly scheduled running group, you'll make friends by default.

You can't have a regularly scheduled event, where you spend 30-60 minutes with people just chatting about life, without starting to know them and becoming friends.

If you're in a city, get a dog assuming you're ok with the responsibility that comes with having one.

About 5 years ago my wife finally wore me down and we got an English Bulldog. The friends that we made at the dog park have become some of our closest friends, and it's great having friends that you don't work with because you don't end up talking about work.

I'm not a very extraverted person by any means but whenever I'm out with the dog I end up talking to people I never would have. Especially when I take him to a dog friendly bar (shoutout to DBA in the East Village!)

I see a lot of people recommending specific forms of dance. I’m gonna be a bit more broad and say “social dancing” overall. Specific dance recommendations can lead people to give up quickly when running into base issues.

Swing dancing will most likely appeal to the typical HN reader but there are a variety of dances out there. Dances like salsa and bachata are vastly larger than most other social dances but they have no appeal to me. (Machismo, Latin culture, somewhat exclusionary as a whole, not much actual socializing) Same for Argentine Tango. (Old people mostly, very snobby, tends to be expensive, feels like the nimby wine snobs dance due to the typical goer) There’s lots of other dances - not gonna bother describing each. But my point is - each has a distinct culture and community (or lack thereof) associated with them. If one doesn’t hit your fancy - I’d recommend exploring others. It might not be that dancing ain’t your thing - it might be that particular dance ain’t your thing.

Social dance overall is quite popular with the white collar crowd and especially so with people in tech. That is - it’s popular with the men. There’s more variance on the other side. Don’t expect to meet your future wife at a social dance either - the ratios are quite lopsided when it comes to single men:women. It’s usually relatively even men:women but it’s heavily single men and many women in relationships. Many women go purely for the love of dance (and attention) but very few men go for purely the love of the dance.

The community of dancers once I decided to learn Cuban Salsa. It was the best choice for me to feel happy.

1 - I host a game night once a week. We play Magic the Gathering. Though the group is quite small now (4-6 people) it was quite large pre-pandemic (~20 people). I just asked around at work and the neighborhood if anyone was interested and just sent out a text every week to those who said they were interested.

2 - Monthly board game night. Very similar to #1, but I mention it because it's much less formal. There's a small group of neighbors in my little neighborhood. Once a month or so one of us will text the group and say "Who's up to board games? I can do Wed or Thurs". Usually have 3-5 people actually show up so far. But it's been fun.

3 - "Knit Night". My wife recently joined a group of people who like to do more ... traditional style crafting. Mostly crocheting and knitting. Though there's a little bit of quilting. And sometimes people show up and draw. One time one person did a stained glass kit. But they just get together every other week, take turns hosting.

4 - Band. My wife joined a local for-adults band. A former band-instructor from a local highschool formed it. They do performances in the community 4 or 5 times a year. Apparently these kinds of bands are pretty common. Probably could ask a local conductor at a highschool, middle school, or community college if they know of one locally.

If you've got the time and the inclination, depending on where you live and your circumstances, reserve forces can provide connection, purpose and places in spades.

I love focusmate.com

Less for the “i can’t focus without some external accountability”-pitch it seems to market itself as and more for the serendipitous network of people doing interesting things

I mean.. what do you like to do? Go find a community that does that thing. You should already have something you do "for you", so regardless of whether you connect to the community or not, you're still getting something out of it.

I would also say to be hyper-aware around communities that try to make a "second family". They can be fine, but can also lead to some toxic attachment/codependency and result in some gnarly outcomes. Moderation is key.

Reached out to a group of acquittances (with no kids) a few years back to see if anyone wanted to play weekly D&D. 6 years later, I am now happy to call them friends.

Live in a village, get a partner, have children, participate in children's schooling.

1. A yoga studio. I practice practically every day and have made many good friends. We started an informal "outnumbered yoga males club" that meets for tacos and ice cream every other weekend or so.

2. The local summer garden/community theater. I help build sets and paint. Occasionally, I run the spotlights.

3. Your neighborhood's local botanical club. It's just me (a middle-aged man) and a bunch of old ladies who run something called "weed warriors" where we go to local parks and beaches and eradicate invasive species with great prejudice.

"But my neighborhood doesn't have a botanica..." I'm willing to bet it does, you just don't know about it.

4. The local volunteer fire department. I am a volunteer EMT and Firefighter who got started when I fell and injured my back and my barber showed up on the ambulance. I rehabbed (hence, the yoga) and got into shape and signed up. EMT-B is easy to attain and Firefighter-I is even easier. I do one shift per week on average, usually Saturday nights and gained an instant group of people from which to make friends.

My local gaming group has a number of people who have found community amongst our members. We advertise on our Facebook page so check for a group near you.

I met a guy in the parking lot of Sugarloaf Mountain here in the Maryland suburbs of Washington DC, when we were both about to walk to the top of the mountain. (About a 40 minute climb.) So we walked up together. He smiled and said hi to everybody we walked past, it was kind of impressive how good he was at it. It influenced me, and now I try to smile and wave at people when I pass them while I am out running.

I'm part of a regional car community for a specific sports car model.

I've probably been involved for 6 years now. Originally the regional club had a board with people volunteering to have some responsibility for their subregion (parts of the Bay Area).

I first got involved just as a member going to meet ups.

Then I became a board member about four years ago. Helped host some meets and other events.

Then COVID happened and we stopped all social meets.

The last remaining board members gave up on it. So since about a year ago even though I had officially stepped down as a member before COVID, I decided to start hosting events again because people had been asking.

Some of my closest friends are part of this community and we don't only discuss cars. Some friends are also SWE's and some aren't. Makes for a good social mix.

I'd say the events I organize these days average 20-40 cars and about as many people or a bit more.

Just at the most recent one we had some visitors from a much further inconvenient region they said they'd really missed these events.

So it's really inspiring when people come up to me and thank me for setting these up. People get to make friends and talk about fun things.

The car community is super big and diverse. I found my niche in budget endurance racing, since it's basically hacking on cars. There's really something for everyone.

Good on you for organizing stuff. People get a lot out of it.

Pickleball in my neighborhood.

We had been in our neighborhood for about 8 years before I started and I kind of stumbled into the group. I had been mentioning to my wife that I wish I knew our neighbors, but didn't press the issue because I assumed it would happen naturally when we had kids. We've been delaying kids, both for covid and private family reasons, so I had been waiting longer than I would have liked. As luck would have it, I went to go use our neighborhood basketball court but it was being used by a pickleball group. They asked if I wanted to play and I went from never having heard of the game to now playing 2x / week most weeks.

The crew is mostly older than me and no one is in tech. I do wish there were more players close to my age and I wouldn't mind 1 person in tech to talk shop with, but it's overall been a net positive in my life. I knew I was struggling from the lack of local community, but I think I underestimated how much. Even being fairly introverted, I still need to see people somewhat regularly.

Dog park. We take our furry friends twice a day, see the same group of people (and dogs) plus new people (and dogs) quite often. Get outdoors, play with dogs, chat with friends and strangers. And pet plenty of cool dogs.

People that go to dog parks are generally pretty nice, around here at least.

I help out by cleaning up the park, too. That's one part of my life that I can make a little less poopie with minimal effort.

2 places:

1. family and extended family. Not everyone, but some are great.

2. Communities based on your hobbies or passions; for example, I ride motorcycles and I built a small team that go on tours across Europe and I am in progress to do the same for adventure/offroad bike tours. You can do many others, from hiking or fishing or dancing to flying sports planes, depending on what you love and what you can afford.

My wife and I moved aboard a sailboat in 2012, we made more new friends over the next 2 years that we were in and out of St Augustine than we had made in a long time. That community was so welcoming that years after we left the boat we moved there and it is our permanent home. There are sailing communities like this all over the US east coast and Caribbean.

I'm going to add another vote for volunteering. A lot of people only think of food kitchens and political campaigns when it comes to volunteering, but as a cyclist I've made a lot (if not a majority) of my friends while volunteering at events like trail building days, or by helping to set up or tear down for races or other cycling events.

Square dancing and running. Both have been wonderful for developing connections and lasting friendships — in fact, I met my wife square dancing, although that wasn’t my intention.

I wasn’t athletic before I started running and I wasn’t a dancer before I started square dancing, so I think an important aspect is stepping out of your comfort zone yo try something new.

Male mental health support group. First attended in Nov 22, now a volunteer facilitating local meetings, and taking Peer Support Worker training course. Inevitably there’s some tech help in the mix, but it’s all worthwhile.

https://www.mandown-cornwall.co.uk/

jiujitsu though competition gets a little toxic and filled with egos, friday night magic and mtg in general was fun for a bit until i realized how much of a cash sink it is. skateboarding, snowboarding and to some extent surfing, thats more of a loner thing. bowls at the skatepark are usually fun, social and laid back.

BJJ (Brazilian jiu-jitsu) seems to be getting really popular in tech. Among others Mark Zuckerberg participated in a BJJ tournament very recently. BJJ seems to have the highest concentration of tech workers among any sports I did. Beyond the initial impression, it's very intellectual sport - "chess with your body".

Yeah it seems that way. Though gyms them selves are pretty diverse still. Even when I was training in sf I was one of the few tech/software people

I second the magic the gathering suggestion, in particular if you go to tournaments. I have met a lot of cool people by preparing a tournament, discussing metagame choices, then spending three days living a shared experience (the tournament itself).

Volunteer fire brigade. Great way to connect with local community. Also a pathway into experiences and skills you’ll never get anywhere else.

Kids school. Everyone is local, engage with the other parents/etc.

Local dog park. Get into a routine of regularly heading up at a similar time and you’ll get familiar with the others that do the same.

A few things for me:

- A search and rescue team. Not only do I get exercise, fresh air, and the good feels of helping someone on their worst day, I also build very strong bonds with people I'd never have met otherwise.

- Tabletop RPG's. I've joined a few groups and while not all have worked out, a couple have really stuck and we've become great friends. It's also a great excuse to sit around a table without digital distraction and really enjoy one another's company.

- Finally, Burning Man. The burner community has been a godsend for me. Always interesting and engaging, sometimes sarcastic and snarky, never a dull moment.

Mostly church and ultimate (Frisbee).

When I lived in the bay area and played in ultimate leagues and pickup games, I knew someone who worked at almost every big company.

Another nice thing about ultimate is that it is social exercise, so you kill two birds with one stone (for those of us who sit in front of a computer all day).

Struggled a lot. I grew up amongst an extended family of relatives. It was my community. Then I moved away. I also grew up on the internet and spent a lot of time moving between communities there.

I am trying to rebuild some of they now https://micro.mu

My strong recommendation is to find an activity you genuinely enjoy. From personal experience if I go to a meet-up with the mindset that I'm only there to make friends I won't have any fun, I won't go back enough time that there's a chance that I'll actually form a connection.

Get a housemate or two or move in with some. Make sure they are doing it because at least partly they like having housemates. In other words, you don't want to move in with silent bob who's just doing it because of financial reasons. Lots of folks like having housemates for the community.

Toastmasters. Attending my own club meetings, other club meetings, contests and conferences have been fun. We insist that speakers share their own original content and they usually share stories from their lives. Lots of networking offline via WhatsApp, Facebook and phone calls as well.

So you don't actually have to make toasts?

Haha I'm scared of public speaking. What would a first meeting look like for someone like me?

No. There are several roles one can play in a meeting.

- Audience

- Prepared speech speaker (usually 5-7 mins. They speak on topics from their manual.)

- Table topics speaker (1-2 mins impromptu. Usually audience & non-role players are picked.)

- Prepared speech evaluator (2-3 mins)

- TMOD (The host of each meeting)

- General Evaluator

- Timer

- Ah-counter

- Grammarian

Usually, most clubs adjust according to guests. If guests are nervous, clubs are very encouraging. If guests are confident, clubs try to improve their speaking skills.

Usually first time guests are asked for their introduction and encouraged to speak on an impromptu topic. They are heavily applauded for getting over their stage fear. Most times, they are also voted as the best speaker of the day to encourage them.

High-end coffee shops. I’ve been lucky that two of them that I’ve gone to had a bunch of interesting regulars. They were usually foodies (and I’m not), but they have other interests (travel, data, politics, woodworking, etc.). And, if you ever need an impressive restaurant for a date or business meeting, they have great recommendations.

I believe a lot of the fostering of a “regular cwrowd” has to do with the architecture of the space. Both places had tight spaces near the staff. Also, the staff were interesting in each places, which started conversations or kept them going during slow times. So the crowd may not be at the tippy-top best coffee shop.

Church again.

Going to "academic catholic community" 6 years ago was one of the best decisions in my life honestly. We formed a group of closed friends there. Now we celebrate together birthdays, Christmas, etc. These are the people who help you when you are lost in the middle of nowhere (also metaphorically). Interestingly, not all of us are "believers" right now but it does not affect our bonds.

Volunteer at my local DIY bicycle coop.

Nobody gets paid so it aligns with me in ways that most non-profits won’t.

The pub

I was never much interested in pubs when I was younger, but in my mid-40s working at home I found myself a place where everybody knows my name. It's not about the alcohol - most of the time I'm driving and therefore drinking non-alco beer

The time-honored (or "lindy") solutions here are joining a gym and going to church.

Meditation. I got into it by accident when I taught English overseas. Some of the best friends I've had came from it, especially on retreats.

Also if you make the community, you grow a community more. This happened when I became a teacher. I don't do it as much nowadays, though. You could equally have a solid community by organizing events, creating groups or some type of thing online like-minded people can find you by as a beacon of sorts.

So, if possible, finding groups that align with deeply held values you have is a good sign or activities you deeply enjoy. It's probably good if it's something outside of tech unless that's something you mainly 100% care about.

Might seem like and odd one to some but I became a volunteer firefighter and it has been very rewarding for many reasons but the connection with the community is a big one (most members grew up in the town and a central part of it).

You can also get a cool license plate (in most states)!

Note that it's not really the activity, it's the people who matters: I was part of several scuba diving club when I was younger: each had his strong points, and the community aspect differed a lot from one club to another..

Joined a fraternal organization. Meets once a month, 8mo a year. Made new friends I'm in touch with most days as a result. Shop around, ymmv, etc, but having a routine that maintains relationships yields benefits by itself.

I moved back to NYC after a long time away, and to a different part of town than where many of my old friends live, and getting a dog considerably improved my connection with the folks around me.

And of course, as others have said, volunteering.

Boardgames. I met my wife at a boardgame meetup. They're really common in Germany, less so elsewhere but there's usually a boardgame group in every city I've travelled to (all over SE Asia, Central America so far). Perfect for us geeks, too, as the more complex boardgames are really scratching that intellectual itch; learning a new ruleset for a complex game and grokking it enough to create a workable strategy for the game is a great intellectual exercise. And a mix of genders and backgrounds, with conversation during the game, it's a great way of meeting people.

Local "white collar" boxing club, which is full of middle class people who want to give it a go. I tried going into a regular one but it was full of, what I would call kids, who want to make an actual career of it, but I saw a poster for a "white collar" club and everyone was really nice. Always someone is going to the pub afterwards and post in the group whatsapp all week.

For me I actually moved from Seattle, WA back near family by the beach picking up surfing and enjoying old and new friends for a bit. Church helps a lot for sure, and because I grew up here I have connections to people all over town which helps so different than Seattle, where there was tonnes of churn through covid both in the groups and the people who lived there.

It's something I think about quite a bit in wanting to potentially move to SF/SV or Austin, TX and get back closer to the kinda work I was more interested in on the American side of tech.

Meetup groups! I live in Portland Oregon and there are so many awesome board game meetups. I also tend to like hacker spaces but they can be less social and you aren’t guaranteed to have personal interaction

This year I've joined a troupe (with a groupe of amateurs/hobbyists but led by professional director, choreographer and musical directors), to prepare and play a musical (done the first two performances, we've got three more in two weeks). As someone who wasn't really good at singing and dancing, some parts were challenging, but it was really rewarding. I also helped a little with the sets and costumes, so it was interesting to see that side of the stage. And despite a somewhat heterogenous group, the atmosphere's been great

My apartment complex has a hot tub. I spent many nights there meeting a few neighbors. From there, some of us played Pickleball. I started noticing a few other neighbors playing, so I started a group chat. Now a bunch of us play 2-3 times per week and the group is growing

There’s a local developer community that hosts meetups every month that I’m a part of. They also have a slack group

I’m in a slack spiritual group. I don’t really care about the spiritual aspect, it’s kind of interesting, I guess. They’re just very thoughtful interesting people and now some of my closest friends

Skydiving. Nice hobby, lots of people to hang out with, go eat together after. Plenty of time to talk between loads. After a while you end up having friends all over the world, and you are welcome at a dropzone anywhere. There are quite a few different disciplines within the sport, from high speed to low speed both in freefall and under canopy. There's always something new to learn or practice and people to do it with. There are events organized all over the place, often around holidays, where people gather to jump.

I used to race mountain bikes and the community was strong - both online and on the race track!

These days I've made friends in the car community (Audi Owners Club, TT Owners Club) who I occasionally meet in person around the country. Also got to know people via local cafes, hiking groups, and going out solo for nights out!

It's taken nearly 3 years to feel sufficiently settled enough to consider buying a house in the area. I live alone with no partner/kids so kind of _have_ to make an effort socially to avoid total isolation.

I'm in the SCA, the Society for Creative Anachronism. Medieval reenactment for fun. It's non-profit, run almost entirely by volunteers. Feasts, recreational combat, games, blacksmithing, brewing, crafts of all kinds. Nearly all of the people in the group are friendly, kind, nerdy goofballs. There's something for everyone, tagline of the SCA is "Welcome home."

Local groups all over the place: https://www.sca.org/

There's a group on Discord I hang out with that puts together experimental/industrial music compilations for charity. The group is highly creative which is fun and engaging

They actually just announced their next theme today and are looking for submissions that are based on serpents. Their "inspriation" page is like a floating museum gallery (so long as you're not using IE/Edge)

https://moonmusiq.com/serpents-compilation-info/

Historically, it's been climbing or other social events for me.

But lately I've been working so much I barely have time for anyone or anything besides an occasional climb and spending time with my partner.

Universities : Engage with professors and ask if they want any free coding done, you'll make friends

Python user groups: I've been to two of them and speak every few weeks (for free) and have made a group of friends there.

Shared interets: I am interested in computational chemistry, so I got on a bunch of science discord channels and started chatting and helping others (again for free), now I have friends in every country, I just got back from the US and I met several over there (they paid for my flights etc)

Find some shared interests and engage with people

I race sailboats. Getting involved in an active fleet that hangs out afterwards is the single best way I have found to make friends. At one point in NYC I was racing on a J/24 part of a crew of 5, we raced against 15-20 other J/24s and all met at the docks after the race, every Tuesday from May until October. You are bound to make friends. Eventually you start getting invited onto other boats.

Crafting clubs. In particular, I found a spoon carving (green wood working) club that was astoundingly welcoming. Attendance is pretty even between men and women and across ages. Pretty diverse ethnically, too.

My wife and I go every month and people started inviting us to post-event activities. We know most of the regulars by name and even people I don't know recognize us. It's super casual and everyone is just there to enjoy the outdoors while they work on their projects.

Sports (both playing in amateur leagues and attending local teams), seeing live music, and participating in local arts collectives. I tried computer related communities (hacker spaces, meetups, etc), but it always felt like it was just work in disguise or people trying to turn fun into resume fodder or networking for professional purposes. So I just try to find people with mutual interests that are orthogonal to my day job.

Tennis for me(and ultimate frisbee, although not so much in the past few years)! Tennis is one of the few things I have found where I am completely comfortable going up to a stranger(maybe they are on a court, or have a racquet in their backpack) and asking them if they would like to play sometime. There are also teams one can join(competitive or less so), tournaments, for fun social groups. Its been very wonderful.

We're fortunate to live in an area with several mosques within driving distance. We made connections at a couple of them. Great communities.

I have a few people in my network that do triathlons / ironman races. It seems like they get along with each other very well. Great mix of smart, accomplished people who are constantly trying to challenge themselves in all aspects of life. When in doubt, sign up for a triathlon club nearby.

Board games club. That's also fanatstic hobby as you can fine-tune the level & character of interactions with others to your own taste.

Funnily enough I've met a couple people in the past through housemate searches (and made friends with an actual housemate).

The common element was that they were all new to town.

One girl declined my spare room but said she'd like to see me again, and one time I told a guy he had some cool pics in his profile, and we ended grabbing a drink and formed a bit of a friend group around playing board games.

So... maybe go house hunting?!

My yoga studio and sailing community. Nearly every day I find myself at my yoga studio after work to practice. It's how I met a lot of my initial friends where I currently live. Then, there's the hobby of sailing which has a rich community where I live. Intentionally I don't seek out tech-based communities, but ones centered around other aspects of life.

I mostly haven't. Work has brought me all of the best friends in my life, including multiple of my long term committed relationships and current wife. I don't particularly enjoy this, I've just never really been able to figure anything else. I started programming at 11 and it's been my biggest hobby and passion for a very long time.

A friend of mine is an extrovert with a touch of Agoraphobia. (The agoraphobia came on in middle age)

Most of his social life is online games these days like Destiny 2, Dead Island 1/2, etc. He's happy enough. I did the online circle of friends thing back in the Destiny 1 days and it was fun enough. I'm less extroverted, so don't need as much social time.

Extrovert and agoraphobic? That must be painful for your friend. Poor guy.

Some other health issues mixed in there too (COVID, back problems, shingles). I was really worried for a while there I was going to have to bury him.

He's doing better now. So now, I just gotta worry about getting him back out into the world. Maybe a date?

For me it’s Capoeira; cool Music, learning petrified, good workout, less competitive than other marital arts and great community

Church. If you've never been, give it a few tries. Often the people suck, but if you find the right niche its lifechanging.

Not to be preachy, but I'd second this. I don't really attend anymore, but for a while, my local church was a safe haven from the stresses of both my professional and personal life.

That said, over time I found it impossible to reconcile my church's teachings with my own values, and haven't found another that I'd be more comfortable with. But I would never deny that they were a crucial part of me rebuilding my life when I was on the ropes.

For anyone who isn't particularly religious, if you live in a fairly big city, you can probably find some faith group that aligns with your values, whatever they may be. In smaller towns and communities, you kinda get what you get.

I run a Discord with my friend (@moconinja) for people in tech who want to play videogames at night and chill. We don't like drinking at bars so we built it. So far we have about 10 people, mostly are from Austin, TX but there're also others from all over the US.

If you're interested, apply here - I will personally review your application and reach out :)

[1]

I'm interested. I think you forgot the link? :D

https://jointhirdshift.com/

howdy from HTX. I'm interested!

https://jointhirdshift.com/

Sports. I live in a gated community. Saw some people playing Cricket. I was hesitant to ask if I could join because I hadn’t played the sports in 15 years but decided to try. Everyone was very welcoming and now I play every weekend and have made good friends. We handed a WhatsApp group where we discuss cricket matches. It’s fun.

I found my people at my local climbing gym. I live in a very tech-dominated city and the people at the gym break down into 1. people who work in tech 2. people who work in the medical field 3. students and the gym caters to that. I've met some great people on the bouldering wall, at yoga classes, or at events hosted by the gym.

I started running about 10 years ago, and joined some local run groups. A few of them will do a run and then go out for a beer afterwards. I've made some good friends there, and we do things outside of running.

Same with cycling - I started cycling a few years ago and meet up with some cycling groups and we do rides together.

I started a chess club in my suburban city. It went from 1 person on Nextdoor (who turned out to have developed the original Carmen Sandiego game) and is now a group of 15 regulars. Of the regulars, I would call 4 of them good friends that have since introduced me to even more friends.

Chess isn't even something we regularly talk about, anymore.

When I can, I like to try to find local classes in something. That way you get to see a group of people more regularly, as opposed to one-off meetups. I've taken classes in acting, swing dancing, salsa. There's probably some cooking classes around, and given my local creative writing too. Hope that gives you some ideas.

My local makerspace[1] for sure.

1. https://protospace.ca/

Gardening/permaculture communities. Also, my kids preschool parents, its small, at least 80% of the parents are immigrants with another language other than English. We all share similar values and the struggles of learning the language. Before that mountaineering and Linux User Group where the places to have good friends.

I just hang out with furries online and am increasingly involved in local furry meet-ups. 10/10 lots of fun.

Interestingly, a year ago, this post was submitted: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31562478 Friendships form via shared context, not shared activities (billmei.net)

Meetup is pretty active around here, with many things for various interests. A good starting point.

Me, I have found Belegarth and other variations of foam swordfighting to have great communities.

If Habitat For Humanity were active in Germany the way they are in the US, I would certainly volunteer there.

Hobbies. I got into high power rocketry and met people online and then went to some meetups of local clubs in my area. There’s a couple regional events I attend too. It’s nice to have a community of friends with shared interests but not so physically close I have to interact daily.

Role-Playing Game conventions. Absolutely astounding how much community I’ve found there. Headed to North Texas RPG Con this weekend, in fact. It’s amazing what using your imagination around a table with a bunch of fellow geeks can do for your feeling of belonging in the universe.

To find meaning in connection you have to open up and the avenues are at every point. From local walks to sports, to neighbourhoods, to hobbies. This place is community, we share ideas and exchange our views, we have the ability to express and that's how we connect.

I started playing the electric guitar in a school, where they also do lessons for bands, so now I play live some covers with them. I'm the by far the oldest of the group and I came to connect with a lot of people that also love to play of very different ages and backgrounds.

Scuba diving - many divers are engineers of some sort and being under water for couple of hours really clears your mind for a good talk. There's also a ton of subjects to talk about as there's just so much happening under water - flora, fauna, technique etc.

After having many Out of Body Experiences (without hacks or chemical hacks), I've met people that also did and wanted to know more about consciousness. I met lots of interesting people and long lasting friendships following that lead and finding these common experiences.

Church

University of Reason and No Agenda Social for online. The rest in the real world, playing music with others, putting on musical concerts of other musicians, garden club, permaculture club. Helping neighbors with their property projects, them helping me with mine.

Other dog owners/trainers. Neighbors. Anything close by really.

I don't really have the time to venture far from the house for hobbies, so most of mine revolve around dogs/gardening and electronics tinkering that I do inside the house.

And obviously hanging out with long time friends.

I run community events for tech interest communities (AICamp, MLOps Community)

It's work related, but not directly

Outside of that, I don't really have much of a community. I sometimes go to local meetup groups for fun. However, I feel like these are usually a waste of time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Festivals.

Any kind of festival. Music festival. Art festival. Craft festival.

Everyone drops their guard and you can talk to them.

Another one you can do: volunteer at a shelter. If you are still hiding from covid, try volunteering for Habitat For Humanity. Less people interaction on the latter.

Team sports is a good opportunity. When I was single I joined some team sport events which cascaded to getting invited to more events and soon enough every weekend was filled with activities with like-minded people.

Magic the Gathering local game stores joining tournaments and events ocassionaly.

Astonished that only one comment so far even mentioned it: climate activism.

WeChat groups. I have all sorts of groups ranging from GroupOn-like fruit purchasing from local farmers to hiking to astrophotography to mental health to just about everything else.

By talking to people and saying yes more than no. As I scan through various things I have done and I would have said it was X in the past, the consistency is just getting to know people.

I joined a track and marathon training club in my town 3 years ago. Found on Strava. It’s a group of people that I now depend on for many things that have nothing to do with running.

Sports. I still meet with friends from middle school for volleyball games, and another friend of mine hosts a weekly soccer game. We usually go out for tacos afterwards. It's a great time

I recently joined a local Plum Village meditation community as well as a contact improvisation dance community! It's great to see the same faces every time and making connections.

Games.

My girlfriend has made a group of very close friends by playing scrabble with them every Thursday for many years.

It seems like it's a great context to have a scheduled time to spend time together.

My local scout group, in the Netherlands (which is quite different from what I gather about US scout groups). Leading kids, organize events, manage the building etc.

World of Warcraft. I met my current lovers in that game. There are a tremendous number of beautiful, sensitive, artistic, and brilliant humans I've met in that game.

Church. It's not for everyone but if you find a good one with kind people, it's such a great place to be accepted and build community.

Scottish Country Dancing. It's a social dance form, and there are branches of the Royal Scottish Country Dance Society all over.

Rock Climbing. Very friendly community.

Ultimate (Frisbee)!

Been playing for 15 years at all levels, it's amazing!

In the past, I have found community - and many lifelong friendships - in a ballroom & latin dance community. Currently, I find community in hiking groups.

A university choir of around 80-100 members. Joined as a student and stayed. I now have many friends, many of them from the choir or friends of a member.

On IRC and in online games, and in club activities.

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has been an awesome venue for finding new friends. I highly recommend, plus you'll gain fitness and confidence.

Neighbors, with whom we share a swimming pool, parents of my kids friend's, church and sports.

Pick-up basketball. Just go once or twice a week

Local tap house and Burning Man - including Homebrew 4A Homebrew, which is essentially a neighborhood tap house at Burning Man.

Swing dancing has been awesome for me: movement, complexity in the music (jazz), cool people (half of which are women),...

my town of 10,000 in a larger school district of 40,000. Schools have parent run (not associated with ISD at all) associations by grade level. (pre school, elementary, middle, high) They put on social events at least monthly with smaller groups breaking out weekly. Pickle ball, tennis, mahjong, parties, clubs, etc.

Nowhere!!! All the good communities are online only. I want to meet people with similar interetsts locally.

Choir, Aikido, seed-savers group, community garden. All communities engaged in purposeful activities together.

APA pool is a good place to meet people

I think community is the main reason (EDIT: I meant to say ONE OF THE main reasonS) people go to church, not for the magical guy-in-the-sky stuff.

Someone here in my small beach city started a "Secular Society" which is a bit of a reaction to how religious this area is. The concept is that we don't have to be religious to get together and hang out. Only a couple meetings so far, but it's been fun!

I think it's a strong reason, but not the only one. Many people do, apparently, take comfort in things like faith and salvation (or a 'relationship' with God), creed, etc.

Social dancing, Argentinian tango in my case. Pretty healthy hobby for an engineer, by the way.

Sysarmy

Cafelug

Megajuegos

Even when I'm not an active member on some ones, I will carry them with me for ever.

Aside of that, any hiking group I found.

Running groups. Every city seems to have a few for different pace groups.

Exercise - gym classes, biking groups, running groups, triathlon groups.

I’ve met most of my friends in my late 30s at a small coworking space.

How come there is not something like a dating app to make friends?

I thought Bumble was providing something like that ... but I might be wrong.

Music! Playing in groups is a wonderful lifelong social activity.

Mostly music, most connection branches out from my band.

Bouldering gym and various meetup groups

Have you considered starting a family?

Creating humans to solve your problems sounds unethical.

"I'm lonely!"

"Have a family?"

"Sounds unethical..."

This is an absolutely demented perspective.

If you can't fix your loneliness in another way then you may not be ready to be a good parent.

Separately, is it ethical to decide on behalf of another person that they should be born? (I sentence you to life...)

Salsa / other social dances.

One holy apostolic Catholic Church

Can you be more specific?

I joined a local Iaido club.

Parents of kids friends at school

Grad School

Neighbors

Religious community

Try a coffee shop!

Ultimate frisbee:)

Mountain Biking

Warhammer 40k.

religion aviation previously MTG

Skate parks

Synagogue.

Church

The gym

Church. Volunteering (best results serving meals, less success with food pantries). Poker games.

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