Ask HN: Where have you found community outside of work?
Asking for myself and those who are looking for what good communities often provide: feeling of connection, purpose, a place to go, etc.
What's interesting is that people who had lived in that neighborhood nearly 20 years together had never talked, and met for the first time as both stopped to chat at nearly the same time.
Then we started with small gifts, usually food because my wife cooks exotic things for people to try. Now we get random gifts, usually food or fruits or some flower or plant.
Now we have little get togethers inviting each other, text to ask if need anything from the store, etc. And all it took was being willing to sit outside for a couple hours each night and say hi.
A year later and we've found lost dogs, gotten people employed and I have some of the best and strongest relationships in years - and my kids have a ton of others to hang with of all ages (7-15)
When in hard times, build Communities not bunkers
We've been doing the same. I recently have gotten into brisket smoking, and for the last few weekends, my wife and kids have been out in the yard every Saturday all day smoking meats. At night we offer some to everybody who walks by.
It's really been nice.
I know my neighbors well enough. We check each other's mail when they're away and will help out in other ways.
But I have lots of friends to keep up with outside of my neighborhood -- people I have a lot in common with -- my neighbors, not so much. If they wanted to talk with me each time I saw them coming or going, I would likely start actively avoiding them so I could get on my way.
Just make a cute little "gate" (it doesn't even need the gate) with flowers at the end of the walkway near the sidewalk, and add in a table and some chairs (or move them out when you go to sit).
Being at the sidewalk vs being 20-40 feet away on a porch makes a huge difference.
Related to why I've had limited friendships. I've wanted fewer, high quality ones as overshooting my social needs is uncomfortable, and I'm a creature of habit. Used to overcorrect towards solitude and that backfires, but I've had friendships in the past where I dreaded having to meet.
In the UK I think it's probably more common not even to use your private back garden with your own family, because the neighbours are using theirs this evening!
If you don’t like small talk, a great way to interact with neighbors is to offer your help, e.g. if you see someone doing work outside, gardening, etc… offer to lend a hand!
I have a question. What kind of place do you live in? Is it houses that are apart by some distance -lawns/treelines separating y'all etc-, is it houses that are built next to each other, is it duplexes/townhomes etc?
I have one thing to add if you can pull it off: get a dog, and walk the dog around then neighborhood. I've met so many cool people that way.
reminds me of The Balcony Movie (saw on Mubi).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e58xwcNzjb0
...and, this is kind of the idea behind this -- for apartment-dwellers.
I volunteer at a boat house on the city lake nearby, just putting kids on pedal boats and kayaks. I don't even call it volunteering, I just love kayaks and water.
It's amazing how your perspective of time and people and service shifts, when you spend some time being "in service" to other people, instead of anxiously counting hours that you're being paid for — or could've been paid for — and maximizing "receiving".
I've confirmed for myself time and time again the advice I've read: if you have a busy life and want to increase a feeling that you have more time? — try spending your time for free, for example, volunteering.
It's really great, it doesn't feel anything like "free labour", it mostly feels like hanging out with some nice people and doing a fun activity.
My anxiety has gone down a lot since I started doing this and I was able to meet some new people. Strongly recommend trying to volunteer with something you care about
- happen fast - suffer near no management bullshit - have social usefulness
boggles my mind how it's not the norm
Okay not really. But what I mean is, the way people respect you. My obstacle is my fear of being treated the way I was 15 years ago when I had to work retail before my professional career. In that sense I'm HAPPY that I work behind a computer screen. But I do think it's made me very isolated, introverted, and lonely.
My wife and I started volunteering at the Zoo, and it's been an awesome experience!
I looked at volunteering about 15 years ago and from what I saw then, I have never entertained the thought again.
I workout with Police officers, Lawyers, Doctors, Dentists, Stay at home moms, Accountants, Students, other tech folks, etc, you name it they're all there.
There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade. That turns into a community where you start to hang out with them out of the gym/etc.
This happens at any group fitness place where the same people show up at the same time to do the same thing. It's natural, organic and freeing.
I've moved across the country 3 times now and this is how I integrated into each area I moved into.
I joined a rugby team that is open to everyone but highlights lgbt inclusivity in sport. We practice twice a week, have games, and have other events. I've made so many good friends from the team it's hard to keep up with them all.
Staying fit with them is an added bonus.
Agreed; my outside work community IS my martial arts community. There are the brief moments while waiting that you end up chatting with your partners. Eventually you learn what they do, if they have kids, etc. and since you see them weekly you often times get to share their experiences. When I was in college, it was pretty regular to ask the other people what they were up to that weekend. Next thing you know, you're grabbing food, going out for beers, seeing Marvel movies (personal experience there), or other things.
The shared misery scares people away, but you end up becoming invested in your partners' progress as well. When new students join you also get to serve as a peer mentor because just 6 months ago YOU were in their shoes.
As a counter argument I recently heard, some people dislike the hierarchal structure of martial arts. I can understand, but at least from my experience I enjoy it.
Some people get turned off by the behavior of certain fans of UFC but in my experience the groups of people who are starting fights in pubs and people who are actually showing up to intense physical training on a regular basis are mutually exclusive.
I cannot say that is true of everything else. Yoga has no community for most classes you’ll take out there. Same is true of Pilates. A lot of other fitness classes you’d take that are maybe doing HIIT or whatever - it’s gonna be the same show-up and immediately leave type of crowd.
CrossFit and some other fitness activities are very intentional about having a community and making one if it doesn’t exist. That’s why CrossFit was often referred to as a cult. It’s got a large community vibe.
It's been scientifically proven that this is the way to create strong bonds with people. It's why we are easier to get close with former classmates and co-workers.
My fitness group is the rec basketball league that I participate.
Absolutely! I genuinely enjoy writing code at work, but I literally never do it in my spare time. I already spend a greater number of waking hours in front of my computer than I do with my friends and family (or playing music, or mountain biking, or...).
On one hand, it might remove opportunities for networking/progression. On the other hand, I want to get out of my work-self when I’m off the clock and this is better.
I don’t want to talk about work when I’m not at work and although work topics still come up with non-tech folks, it’s easier to not end up in a deluge of techy stuff. And it’s often way more interesting to talk about work when someone is not doing anything closely related to my career (at least for me).
My wife and I sit in the cry room with out little kids, and have gotten to know the people that are there with us. It's gotten to the point where we have started recognizing these people all over town. Very cozy and nice.
I'll say: having kids is obviously itself incredibly meaningful; as an additional benefit: kids are a fantastic ice-breaker/opener for other families with kids.
And yes, a great side perk of having children is connecting with other parents :)
The order of importance, I have found community here in:
- Swing dancing, both classes and going to shows with live jazz bands to dance (I was never a dancer before moving here)
- Lifting (there are great locally owned gyms in this neighborhood)
- Getting to know people who own or work at local businesses
- People who have similar tech interests, that I meet from a mixture of the previous 3 places
Finally, and I think this is a really important thing to do, I try to organize events, either in my home or in any one of the local parks in the summer, where friends I've made in different parts of my life all get together and also get to know each other
This is generally the thing Seattle is missing -- people that organize and then tell people to show up at X place on Y date. Most of the time, it's a million people that all say they would love to hang out more, but nobody ever makes solid plans.
We're thinking of moving, but housing prices are incredibly high and volatile.
And I completely agree about event organization! It really introduces you to a wider swath of people than your initial search may have turned up.
Way to go!
Swing It Seattle? Me and my wife go to the wednesday dances :-)
Of course it will not be for everyone, but if you are open to it you can try.
I have seen my congregation rally around new parents, people with mental health conditions, and other such common struggles. Serving others is a great way to feel that you are part of a community. Church can be a great framework for that kind of thing.
Everyone is welcome to even attend Mass (they just don't receive communion) and participate in activities that we organize. We also have many support groups for elderly, grieving families, young adults and so on.
Additionally, if you want to do volunteer work, contact the closest Catholic Church. You can join pretty much all of the events regardless of your background.
We are not some "exclusive" membership, the doors are open.
Denominations are different flavors of Christianity, and which denomination you visit is important. I'm personally a member of "The Episcopal Church," which I find to have a very small amount of dogma and is tolerant of a wide range of beliefs. The theological dogma can be summarized in the "Nicene Creed," which is a pretty short list of what the church holds to be true (and even if you as individual differ, TEC is chill about that). After that, members of The Episcopal Church are more united in what they do together rather than what they believe togther - songs, taking communion, common readings, etc. The Episcopl Church is generally one of the more liberal/progressive churches around (we ordain women and LGBTQ individuals into the clergy and perform same-sex marriages, for example).
Otherwise, it's a nice group of people that I see every week. A lot of churches have a "coffee hour" or a meal after the service, and it's a time to chit chat with others. They care about me and I care about them, and people check in on each other to see how everyone is doing. When we had a baby, people brought us food, and we always get cards in the mail for birthdays and such. It's nice.
Since we're a community of people, we can sometimes work together to accomplish things I wouldn't be able to do on my own. We run a food pantry and we've supported families fleeing from bad situations (and not in abstract sense, but doing the legwork of finding an apartment in town and providing furniture and stuff). One family attends our services, and their kid is about my kid's age, so we've become friends over that.
Again, I know religion can invoke strong feelings, so if the very idea is offputting, leave it alone, it's fine. But for me, it's been a community I've appreciated having.
I’m fine with the concept of the right church because of the community effects especially as a parent and wanting my kid to have as many positive role models as possible in his life; peers/adults/seniors. So after many years of being with my wife, we decided to start when my kid was 4. We actually wanted to start earlier but it’s a hard habit to just introduce, then 2020 happened, etc so here we are. It’s been quite a positive adjustment. It’s easy to see the cult and abuse headlines and write it off, but when done right I still think it’s incredibly powerful and religion as a whole is just a framework for peaceful civilization and coexistence with communities.
For those who are spiritual but not Christian, there's also the Unitarian Universalist Association: https://www.uua.org/
At any rate, potential friendship is a weak rationalization for joining a religion when there are many avenues to do this.
Anecdotally: -drama clubs/local theatre productions -run clubs: while running is typically fairly isolated, there are social run clubs in cities that often go for a drink (no booze necessary) post-run -book clubs: random collections of people that discuss a book together -dinner clubs: sharing food with folks in a way where different people cook for others in turn -partying: most places have a community of folks that enjoy dancing and/or recreationals
Note that I believe that the strong relationships can come from overcoming a shared struggle, so if you can think of something that's difficult and with one or more other person/people, you will probably form a community around it over time (co-founders and cohorts are a great example).
2- Neighborhood. We moved in this neighborhood about 10 years ago when all the houses were being built, and we socialized with the other families buying homes. Now we know almost all of the neighbors within a 5 minute walk. Aside from a couple weirdos, most people are really nice even if sometimes a bit shy. It's great to be on cordial terms with the people who live around you.
2a- Poker. The guys of the neighborhood get together regularly to play Texas Hold 'em. Not for a lot of money, just to have something to do and people to connect with.
2b- Bunco. The gals of the neighborhood also have a regular gathering, generally audible for an eighth of a mile away, Bunco must be the funniest game in the world.
Check this list [0], maybe there is one close to you – and if you by any chance live in Oslo – swing by Hackeriet [1].
I've been trying to find a space that has a similar energy as my old university CS lab. There was a bit of a perfect time in my final year, whereafter 2+ years most people seemed to know each other and at the same time everyone was specialising in their degree. So you could walk into the lab and find people working deep in their own game engine code, others would be working on ML models and others may be working on mobile apps or websites. But with a sense of overall camaraderie and sharing of what you're working on and why.
I suppose it just sounds like I'm describing something like a WeWork but when I've attended those they seem much more employee focused and I rarely saw employees of different companies talk to each other.
I also realise that some of what I describe is often fulfilled by talking to others at your workplace, I'm fully remote so I am missing out on that part.
If anyone knows of anything similar to what I describe above in or near London feel free to reach out to the email in my profile!
Im quite active at https://k-space.ee in Tallinn, Estonia.
Other neighbours would be working on projects in their yard. I offered to help. We get to talking. Some of us had kids around the same age who started hanging out.
I show movies in my yard when the weather is nice and invite people over. We make a big potluck dinner and hang out.
I care a lot about global warming and climate change. One of the biggest impacts we can have as individuals is at the local level. Help out with municipal elections and support councillors who are going to help reduce traffic, make streets safer, help develop community infrastructure, etc. Go to zoning by-law meetings and press for mixed-use neighbourhoods. There's lots you can do here.
I also play music and enjoy board gaming. I meet other musicians through gigs or friends and we jam together, etc. I've joined gaming groups at my local game store on and off when I get into a good game.
There are lots of ways to get out and get local. Start helping people in your community get what they need is a good way to start.
Discord is another, oddly enough. The story is a bit messy, but there was an "offical" server attacked to a subreddit for my location (think r/<MYCITY>). That was, frankly, a terrible server, but I eventually found myself migrating onto a splinter server with a few other folks who felt the same way and together we've cultivated our own community. Again, the space serves as a clearinghouse for ad hoc meetups, group coffees, GWD[1] teams, groups who go to the musical theater together, etc.
These online spaces are good examples of places that have cultivated norms around high psychological safety. In other words, behaviors that lower psychological safety are seen as destructive to the space. The high psychological safety there means that I can probably meet up with any random person in these spaces and be able to trade some degree of vulnerability with them and actually form meaningful connection.
I think the pandemic definitely helped people realize that their job can't be their only social outlet.
Since the rounds of the tournament are randomized groups of four, every round is a chance to introduce yourself to three other players and learn each others' names. If you come back regularly, you'll start to recognize and be recognized by the other regulars. Everyone gets to know each other better at a natural and unforced pace.
I've been playing every Wednesday night for about a year, and I like it so much that I'm shifting my work schedule so I can join the same local regulars for a Thursday night tournament at a different arcade too.
I really hope you have the chance to give it a try!
You can find tournaments in your area at: https://www.ifpapinball.com/calendar/#
But my main was going back to school to get a MBA, met a ton of people that way.
What you want is called a "third place", which has sadly died out in many ways recently. A great way to just meet people from different backgrounds with different interests.
About half the states have a state guard. The organizational structure is military-ish, but we don't have weapons. We wear essentially the same uniform as the national guard, and sometimes work with them, but it's not related to the national guard except that we both report to the governor. The difference is the state guard ONLY reports to the governor and doesn't have any federal connection.
Since I joined I've helped run a shelter after hurricane Harvey and run water distribution centers after the freeze 2 years ago. But most of the time I just do the same thing I do at my regular job.
When I joined they needed programmers. They need everybody, tbh. It's not hard to qualify.
How did that work? Unless there is a deployment, the schedule is one weekend a month right? What kind of tech work were you able to do in that timeframe?
You mentioned working in a shelter as well during Harvey. How often were you called into service? It looks likes the number of whether related missions has increased in recent years - https://tmd.texas.gov/texas-state-guard-missions
I just moved to Austin and the idea of joining a state guard is appealing.
Pick something that interests you and go do it! Find a nerd store that has a gaming night and sit down at a random table and ask to join their DnD campaign, or ask around and find the local rock climbing gym that does community building nights, etc. whatever catches your fancy I guarantee there are others out there that also like the same things and want to connect!
Public social infrastructure like your local library is always a good place to go too: they'll have book clubs, lecture series, parent meetups, etc. check out their programming schedule and see if anything sounds interesting to you.
P.S. If you live in Seattle, and you're a software engineer, shoot me an email: abner at handmadecities dot com
This 100%, but a warning, this consistency also applies to the people meeting. And that is much more difficult to encourage than anything else. Funding, organizing and advertising meetups ends up being the easy part.
I have run a LUG now for half a year now, and it has been impossible to get people to meet up more than once. This is regardless of content, free food, event weeks, high quality talks by members, encouraging social interactions, holding discussions with experts on interested topics, etc.
Mind you, the members we have are still fiercely for the LUG to continue, they do not want to see it gone, but also continue not showing up. I have worked with frequent members individually to try and find alternatives like better time slots, as many complain about being "busy", but I have now learned its really not a time issue either.
Not really sure why its so hard getting people to show, it just is, even if you give people exactly what they want plus unique spins on topics that are cheered on in the public channel when announced, but follows to nobody showing up.
The Choruses tab here[1] is a good place to start. This[2] may be a little outdated. Or just Google.
[1] https://chorusamerica.org/member_directory
[2] https://www.singers.com/lists/choral-groups/
a PSA from HN's lurking choral director
I like my wife, presumably she likes me, and having a person that cohabits with me that I get along with has honestly done a good enough job at making me feel a connection and purpose.
Community has been hard, especially meeting new folks. There have been a few community tech events that have come and gone, and I've been lucky enough to meet a few friends through that.
I joined a gym 4 years ago, and a lot of my friends now I've met through that gym.
Is it common for strangers to actually approach each other in the gym? At least here everyone goes from machine to machine listening to music and making as little contact as possible and the few times I've been approached was just to ask how many sets I have left. I've been surprised just how much that seems to differ from place to place.
Also, you come back starving because you've burned calories, probably eating way more than you should due to being famished.
And it's also extremely boring. I've tried it once or twice, but I just can't handle it.
Genuinely interested in how some people manage to consistently keep going to the gym.
At the right gym you'll also find community.
Separately just being a regular at a bar is a very good way to get to know people, again you need to find the right spot.
I'm not religious but I know many people who find community there. Other places I've seen friends have success are gaming guilds/circles and fraternities (Mason lodges, etc.)
Speaking of which I grow my friend circle by meeting friends of friends and then developing my own first order friendships with them.
I've had luck with sports, specifically cycling. Check out Strava for groups in your area and just show up to a ride and introduce yourself.
- Meetup.com - If you don't find a community for something you want to do, then start one!
- Local sports clubs
- Volunteering
- Start going to EDM parties - pretty soon you'll see the same people. Say, "hi".
- Facebook groups for pretty much everything.
- Do what kids in the 80's did, and many still do: go to the local playground, and ask if you could also play with them.
You're not too old, you're not too "different". Don't be a pussy, and get out of your head.
I was a stay at home dad for a couple years, and I made a lot of long term friends this way. In one case I saw a guy riding his bike with a 2yo on the back so we chased them down and asked if they wanted to hang out and do bike nerd stuff together. That was almost 6 years ago and we're still friends
Music festivals with camping are magical ways to build community and inspire yourself around other like minded and curious people. I never attended these events until a near death experience prioritized my love of dancing in my early 30. Now nearly 10 years later I'm even more convinced this is the way.
Lost interest in the geeky side of mechanics and electronics - they're neccessary to buy, or make a body. Jeeps, Land Rovers and Toyotas seem to be favourites.
The thing I love about it is two-fold - first is building unique bodies never done before, using styrene. Second are the events, where you meet other RC geeks, see everyone else's builds, take part in comptetions (individual and team events). In France there's an annual event that runs a pretty sweet Camel Trophy event. SuperScale in Germany is amazing for having the longest 1:10 scale bridge seen in the hoppy. USTE (Ultimate Scale Truck Expo) in Florida USA holds the largest scale RC event I've attended/know of.
Axial Fest in the US is also a big deal in the calendar, but I've never been. They have a "float you rig" challenge which got me building rafts for my trucks. Herds of fun.
Some of my trucks and build progression at https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/RcTrucks.aspx
I also get a kick out of building houses/bridges/and so on for events - some of those are here - https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/RcBuildings.aspx
My most ambitious build took 5 years to (almost) complete - https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/FordF5Coe.aspx
Pursuing a hobby seriously and finding others who are also into said hobby is a great way to make meaningful connections with others.
Lately I've been going to "old time" fiddle jams (with my cello or double bass). It's a super chill community, welcoming of strangers, with a rich heritage to learn from even if it seems superficially simplistic.
There are many different roles that you can fill. For example, next competition season I will try to become a CSA (Control Systems Advisor). They help teams troubleshoot various issues during competitions and even during matches. The role requires excellent problem-solving and communication skills.
As my description suggests, roles are well-defined, as are the relationships between them. This structure neatly avoids most of the messiness about unclear decision-making hierarchies that can be found in some other volunteer organizations. It also avoids something that really annoys me about some other volunteering opportunities, which is an unclear path of advancement to "the good roles". Of course, advancement isn't required at all and I'd guess most people don't think about it; it's just something I care about.
I've never been happier in my life, and the sense of purpose, community, and security has never been higher. I won't espouse any religious teachings here, that's what the link above is for should you choose to visit it.
The most amazing part is that it's genuine and trustworthy. It's all made of imperfect humans to be sure, but you'll be hard pressed to find more trustworthy people who show a sincere genuine interest and truly care.
You could say this community is implicitly a secular one, but OP's answer frames things within HN's guidelines.
I guess in the spirit of HN's intellectual curiosity, we should at least acknowledge alternative life experiences here.
...until you decide it's not for you and you are summarily kicked out and effectively exiled.
I am glad it works for you but JW acts like cult, and probably is a cult. I've seen first hand the damage it does to people who choose to no longer partake.
From this source: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/4zzruz/iama_exjehovah...
'Those who leave the faith are called "apostates" and are "disfellowshipped", a term for formal expulsion and shunning, where members are "prohibited from talking, and even from saying 'hello' to them".
If you're a grieving Dad and are looking for support from other grieving Dads, please email me at milancurcic@hey.com.
I was feeling very lonely working remote. We moved to a Memphis TN to be closer to family and I was struggling with feeling like an outsider. I grew up playing sports and tried CrossFit but hated paying so much for a gym. F3 workouts are free and I thought I was going for the fitness aspect, but the fellowship is what really stuck. Guys hung out after workouts and it was great to meet so many guys from so many different walks of life.
When one of them dies, somebody else moves in.
The community is amazing. I've had competitors help fix my car between stages, in pitch black, in the middle of the desert.
Volunteering is an easy way to get involved and is really appreciated! You go to interesting, sometimes beautiful places, help run timing, radio, etc.
You can also volunteer to help specific teams as crew. The driver will usually cover all your expenses to get to the rally and feed you. We're building our next car atm (a VW Scirocco).
Check out NASA Rally Sport, American Rally Association, and CRC for those in Canada. There is never an off season, there are always events.
Note - if you plan to drive - start with RallyCross - and buy an already built car (it's 1-2x cheaper).
Now we have friends we hike with, mountain bike with, ski with, go mushroom foraging, host dinners, play trivia, etc.
Sadly, in my experience, few Coworking spaces provide the things good communities provide.
I recommend trying all the Coworking spaces near you until you find the one that feels right.
Like good coffee shops, it’s usually the ones that aren’t part of a chain that are best. High-end interior design, flashy marketing and all the amenities you can imagine aren’t the things that matter.
I guess similar things exist for Golf and pickleball.
I grew up in India and now live in the U.S.
Socializing or being a part of a community is surprisingly very very hard.
… so I built a platform to connect college and pro athletes in-person around sports and shared interests.
Would love any feedback on the app as we roll it out this summer! https://apps.apple.com/us/app/adak/id6444288312
The Seattle festival is this weekend, see: https://honkfestwest.org/
It works pretty well as an adult too. Take an in person class. Something 1-2 days a week for a couple months. You meet people and you learn something.
I think a lot of the advice like "join the church" or "do an activity" are lost on chronically online people like myself.
For us, it should be "find an online community that makes you challenge yourself to improve", but it's hard to articulate that.
Having a dog is a huge plus since dogs are generally playful and can be a great way to start a conversation.
It can be intimidating to join at first but if you have one buddy you can go with or even one person in the group you can build rapport with it helps.
The biggest thing is you have to put yourself out there. It isn't always easy but, you have to realize most people are worried to strike up a conversation first. Being willing to do so is a game changer.
I'd also say don't completely forego making friends at work. You already have something in common and there is a big opportunity for a shared circumstance and hanging out together regularly. I've made great friends at work.
2. Cycling - I love road cycling and there is a strong sense of community around cycling. If you are training alone and a bunch of faster cyclists catches you, you can draft behind them for a while and start chatting with them when you catch your breath; if you hit it off, you exchange contacts and start riding together. There are people that I have spent years and thousands of km with. The advantage of cycling is that there is a lot of endurance rides where you can easily talk and you get to know people pretty well.
The larger juggling community is great too--there are little festivals and larger conventions all over the world, with great shows but also great social scenes.
I met my spouse at a university juggling club. Neither of us attended the university, but we were both club members, as were lots of our friends [after a while, anyway].
Some years ago I was looking for an activity to get into that met the following needs:
* Helps others
* Physically active
* Outdoors / in nature
* Requires specialized skills
* Gives back to the community
It's a highly rewarding activity - literally saving peoples lives at times - with a high-calibre of like-minded people from an incredibly diverse array of backgrounds.
I've recently moved away though and in my new area, I've joined the volunteer fire department which has a lot of the same features and benefits.
A real world meetup would be harder for me with a job and a kid with some special needs, so a virtual thing is great for me.
For (1)- climbing, board games, team sports are all some ways I specifically do this for, but in a large city almost anything you find interesting probably has a group.
For (2)- I think it's worth explicitly going in with the mindset that you want to be social. For example, I go to the gym for some me time. I have zero gym friends (even though it is a good place to make friends, if you want to). So just showing up won't be enough IMO
For (3)- community needs investment. Most of the best groups I am in did not provide a lot of value to me for months. So you have to stick it out
We don’t gather for the sake of gathering with each other, but for the sake of the shared oath that consists of various practices and beliefs, one of which requires that we gather.
And the venue of this gathering is at enough locations that I can have this experience far from home even. The sense of community is transcends the boundaries of my locale.
I’m a Muslim. The place is a Masjid.
Running groups are very welcoming, and they're only about improving yourself - it's hard to compete with most people in a running group. If you show up enough times to a regularly scheduled running group, you'll make friends by default.
You can't have a regularly scheduled event, where you spend 30-60 minutes with people just chatting about life, without starting to know them and becoming friends.
About 5 years ago my wife finally wore me down and we got an English Bulldog. The friends that we made at the dog park have become some of our closest friends, and it's great having friends that you don't work with because you don't end up talking about work.
I'm not a very extraverted person by any means but whenever I'm out with the dog I end up talking to people I never would have. Especially when I take him to a dog friendly bar (shoutout to DBA in the East Village!)
Swing dancing will most likely appeal to the typical HN reader but there are a variety of dances out there. Dances like salsa and bachata are vastly larger than most other social dances but they have no appeal to me. (Machismo, Latin culture, somewhat exclusionary as a whole, not much actual socializing) Same for Argentine Tango. (Old people mostly, very snobby, tends to be expensive, feels like the nimby wine snobs dance due to the typical goer) There’s lots of other dances - not gonna bother describing each. But my point is - each has a distinct culture and community (or lack thereof) associated with them. If one doesn’t hit your fancy - I’d recommend exploring others. It might not be that dancing ain’t your thing - it might be that particular dance ain’t your thing.
Social dance overall is quite popular with the white collar crowd and especially so with people in tech. That is - it’s popular with the men. There’s more variance on the other side. Don’t expect to meet your future wife at a social dance either - the ratios are quite lopsided when it comes to single men:women. It’s usually relatively even men:women but it’s heavily single men and many women in relationships. Many women go purely for the love of dance (and attention) but very few men go for purely the love of the dance.
2 - Monthly board game night. Very similar to #1, but I mention it because it's much less formal. There's a small group of neighbors in my little neighborhood. Once a month or so one of us will text the group and say "Who's up to board games? I can do Wed or Thurs". Usually have 3-5 people actually show up so far. But it's been fun.
3 - "Knit Night". My wife recently joined a group of people who like to do more ... traditional style crafting. Mostly crocheting and knitting. Though there's a little bit of quilting. And sometimes people show up and draw. One time one person did a stained glass kit. But they just get together every other week, take turns hosting.
4 - Band. My wife joined a local for-adults band. A former band-instructor from a local highschool formed it. They do performances in the community 4 or 5 times a year. Apparently these kinds of bands are pretty common. Probably could ask a local conductor at a highschool, middle school, or community college if they know of one locally.
Less for the “i can’t focus without some external accountability”-pitch it seems to market itself as and more for the serendipitous network of people doing interesting things
I would also say to be hyper-aware around communities that try to make a "second family". They can be fine, but can also lead to some toxic attachment/codependency and result in some gnarly outcomes. Moderation is key.
2. The local summer garden/community theater. I help build sets and paint. Occasionally, I run the spotlights.
3. Your neighborhood's local botanical club. It's just me (a middle-aged man) and a bunch of old ladies who run something called "weed warriors" where we go to local parks and beaches and eradicate invasive species with great prejudice.
"But my neighborhood doesn't have a botanica..." I'm willing to bet it does, you just don't know about it.
4. The local volunteer fire department. I am a volunteer EMT and Firefighter who got started when I fell and injured my back and my barber showed up on the ambulance. I rehabbed (hence, the yoga) and got into shape and signed up. EMT-B is easy to attain and Firefighter-I is even easier. I do one shift per week on average, usually Saturday nights and gained an instant group of people from which to make friends.
I've probably been involved for 6 years now. Originally the regional club had a board with people volunteering to have some responsibility for their subregion (parts of the Bay Area).
I first got involved just as a member going to meet ups.
Then I became a board member about four years ago. Helped host some meets and other events.
Then COVID happened and we stopped all social meets.
The last remaining board members gave up on it. So since about a year ago even though I had officially stepped down as a member before COVID, I decided to start hosting events again because people had been asking.
Some of my closest friends are part of this community and we don't only discuss cars. Some friends are also SWE's and some aren't. Makes for a good social mix.
I'd say the events I organize these days average 20-40 cars and about as many people or a bit more.
Just at the most recent one we had some visitors from a much further inconvenient region they said they'd really missed these events.
So it's really inspiring when people come up to me and thank me for setting these up. People get to make friends and talk about fun things.
We had been in our neighborhood for about 8 years before I started and I kind of stumbled into the group. I had been mentioning to my wife that I wish I knew our neighbors, but didn't press the issue because I assumed it would happen naturally when we had kids. We've been delaying kids, both for covid and private family reasons, so I had been waiting longer than I would have liked. As luck would have it, I went to go use our neighborhood basketball court but it was being used by a pickleball group. They asked if I wanted to play and I went from never having heard of the game to now playing 2x / week most weeks.
The crew is mostly older than me and no one is in tech. I do wish there were more players close to my age and I wouldn't mind 1 person in tech to talk shop with, but it's overall been a net positive in my life. I knew I was struggling from the lack of local community, but I think I underestimated how much. Even being fairly introverted, I still need to see people somewhat regularly.
People that go to dog parks are generally pretty nice, around here at least.
I help out by cleaning up the park, too. That's one part of my life that I can make a little less poopie with minimal effort.
1. family and extended family. Not everyone, but some are great.
2. Communities based on your hobbies or passions; for example, I ride motorcycles and I built a small team that go on tours across Europe and I am in progress to do the same for adventure/offroad bike tours. You can do many others, from hiking or fishing or dancing to flying sports planes, depending on what you love and what you can afford.
I wasn’t athletic before I started running and I wasn’t a dancer before I started square dancing, so I think an important aspect is stepping out of your comfort zone yo try something new.
Kids school. Everyone is local, engage with the other parents/etc.
Local dog park. Get into a routine of regularly heading up at a similar time and you’ll get familiar with the others that do the same.
- A search and rescue team. Not only do I get exercise, fresh air, and the good feels of helping someone on their worst day, I also build very strong bonds with people I'd never have met otherwise.
- Tabletop RPG's. I've joined a few groups and while not all have worked out, a couple have really stuck and we've become great friends. It's also a great excuse to sit around a table without digital distraction and really enjoy one another's company.
- Finally, Burning Man. The burner community has been a godsend for me. Always interesting and engaging, sometimes sarcastic and snarky, never a dull moment.
When I lived in the bay area and played in ultimate leagues and pickup games, I knew someone who worked at almost every big company.
Another nice thing about ultimate is that it is social exercise, so you kill two birds with one stone (for those of us who sit in front of a computer all day).
I am trying to rebuild some of they now https://micro.mu
I believe a lot of the fostering of a “regular cwrowd” has to do with the architecture of the space. Both places had tight spaces near the staff. Also, the staff were interesting in each places, which started conversations or kept them going during slow times. So the crowd may not be at the tippy-top best coffee shop.
Going to "academic catholic community" 6 years ago was one of the best decisions in my life honestly. We formed a group of closed friends there. Now we celebrate together birthdays, Christmas, etc. These are the people who help you when you are lost in the middle of nowhere (also metaphorically). Interestingly, not all of us are "believers" right now but it does not affect our bonds.
Of course, I met some crazy people in that community but with sufficiently large group you can find good guys and bad guys everywhere. You can find religious groups which don't force you to do anything. They may even value a philosophical questioning and discussion.
Nobody gets paid so it aligns with me in ways that most non-profits won’t.
I was never much interested in pubs when I was younger, but in my mid-40s working at home I found myself a place where everybody knows my name. It's not about the alcohol - most of the time I'm driving and therefore drinking non-alco beer
Also if you make the community, you grow a community more. This happened when I became a teacher. I don't do it as much nowadays, though. You could equally have a solid community by organizing events, creating groups or some type of thing online like-minded people can find you by as a beacon of sorts.
So, if possible, finding groups that align with deeply held values you have is a good sign or activities you deeply enjoy. It's probably good if it's something outside of tech unless that's something you mainly 100% care about.
And of course, as others have said, volunteering.
It's something I think about quite a bit in wanting to potentially move to SF/SV or Austin, TX and get back closer to the kinda work I was more interested in on the American side of tech.
There’s a local developer community that hosts meetups every month that I’m a part of. They also have a slack group
I’m in a slack spiritual group. I don’t really care about the spiritual aspect, it’s kind of interesting, I guess. They’re just very thoughtful interesting people and now some of my closest friends
These days I've made friends in the car community (Audi Owners Club, TT Owners Club) who I occasionally meet in person around the country. Also got to know people via local cafes, hiking groups, and going out solo for nights out!
It's taken nearly 3 years to feel sufficiently settled enough to consider buying a house in the area. I live alone with no partner/kids so kind of _have_ to make an effort socially to avoid total isolation.
Local groups all over the place: https://www.sca.org/
They actually just announced their next theme today and are looking for submissions that are based on serpents. Their "inspriation" page is like a floating museum gallery (so long as you're not using IE/Edge)
But lately I've been working so much I barely have time for anyone or anything besides an occasional climb and spending time with my partner.
Python user groups: I've been to two of them and speak every few weeks (for free) and have made a group of friends there.
Shared interets: I am interested in computational chemistry, so I got on a bunch of science discord channels and started chatting and helping others (again for free), now I have friends in every country, I just got back from the US and I met several over there (they paid for my flights etc)
Find some shared interests and engage with people
My wife and I go every month and people started inviting us to post-event activities. We know most of the regulars by name and even people I don't know recognize us. It's super casual and everyone is just there to enjoy the outdoors while they work on their projects.
The common element was that they were all new to town.
One girl declined my spare room but said she'd like to see me again, and one time I told a guy he had some cool pics in his profile, and we ended grabbing a drink and formed a bit of a friend group around playing board games.
So... maybe go house hunting?!
Most of his social life is online games these days like Destiny 2, Dead Island 1/2, etc. He's happy enough. I did the online circle of friends thing back in the Destiny 1 days and it was fun enough. I'm less extroverted, so don't need as much social time.
If you're interested, apply here - I will personally review your application and reach out :)
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Same with cycling - I started cycling a few years ago and meet up with some cycling groups and we do rides together.
Chess isn't even something we regularly talk about, anymore.
Me, I have found Belegarth and other variations of foam swordfighting to have great communities.
If Habitat For Humanity were active in Germany the way they are in the US, I would certainly volunteer there.
I don't really have the time to venture far from the house for hobbies, so most of mine revolve around dogs/gardening and electronics tinkering that I do inside the house.
And obviously hanging out with long time friends.
It's work related, but not directly
Outside of that, I don't really have much of a community. I sometimes go to local meetup groups for fun. However, I feel like these are usually a waste of time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Any kind of festival. Music festival. Art festival. Craft festival.
Everyone drops their guard and you can talk to them.
Another one you can do: volunteer at a shelter. If you are still hiding from covid, try volunteering for Habitat For Humanity. Less people interaction on the latter.
My girlfriend has made a group of very close friends by playing scrabble with them every Thursday for many years.
It seems like it's a great context to have a scheduled time to spend time together.
Rock Climbing. Very friendly community.
Been playing for 15 years at all levels, it's amazing!
Someone here in my small beach city started a "Secular Society" which is a bit of a reaction to how religious this area is. The concept is that we don't have to be religious to get together and hang out. Only a couple meetings so far, but it's been fun!
Cafelug
Megajuegos
Even when I'm not an active member on some ones, I will carry them with me for ever.
Aside of that, any hiking group I found.
Grad School
Neighbors
Religious community