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Comment by dbspin | Hacker News Reader

That's not a good solution for most people.

Twitter I can delete. I don't browse facebook, I try not to browse instagram - but these platform's messaging facilities, along with whatsapp, google chat, signal, telegram and more are used daily by my friends and family to communicate.

Sure you can simply cut off those who don't use your preferred platform. But I've seen what happens to people who do that - when the first facebook backlash occurred back in the late 2000s. They disappear from the real world 'social graph' of their non-local friends.

Of course it would be better if everyone used one, encrypted messaging app. But thats not likely to happen any time soon. Of course social media is a poison, as OP pointed out. But its utility for low effort passive relationship maintenance with my old friends from college, jobs, school etc is an essential part of my social life. I suspect thats true for millions of people.

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I had friends before Facebook. I had a lot of Facebook friends. I left Facebook in 2016, and I went back to having basically the same friends as before. It's fine.

Some of those Facebook people were good folks that I miss, sure, but my life is my own now.

edit: also, low effort friends aren't friends, they're either trophies you're keeping or else tasks you don't actually need. Friends are the people in your life. Your college buddies are your college buddies, you're only supposed to see them at reunions and occasionally at the hardware store. Stop living the paradigm that the corporate platforms make the most money from and start living your life. Get the hell off.

I lost touch with my mother's half of the family when I left Facebook ten years ago. Poof, gone. It was the only thing bringing us together. For me it's worth that cost to separate from social media, but it isn't for everyone.

But did it have to be that way? Relationships are a garden you can choose to water without the aid of social media. When I quit Facebook I made a short list of people to occasionally reach out to individually, and in so doing have lost no social connections I wanted to retain. But I also have zero problem with texting, emailing, or even calling someone I haven't interacted with in years to say hello and see how they've been. I appreciate that for many, the idea of doing that will give them some anxiety.

I'm not here to judge em, but it doesn't sound very close-knit family. I'm out of touch with most of all my families, and I'm not particularly sad about most of em either. I'm sad about who some of them used to be, but I'm not at all concerned about not being in touch with who they are.

> But its utility for low effort passive relationship maintenance with my old friends from college, jobs, school etc is an essential part of my social life.

Phones continue to exist. Not to mention email! If someone doesn't warrant a phone call, or even email, are they truly your friend? Is that really a relationship?

As someone old enough to remember the days before social media existed, I find it hard to conceive of social media as "essential". Convenient? Sure. Addictive? Yes, certainly. But essential? No. Humanity indisputably survived and thrived without it. Indeed, the argument can be made that we were happier without it.

I don't understand this "be my true friend or screw you" advice that is repeatedly given here. I have people in my life like a guy from Barcelona I used to work with 20 years ago, or a cool couple I've met in Istanbul. They are not my BFFs at all, but it's very nice to see what they are up to, what their life is like in those cities, occasionally like and comment, and hang out in person once I return to those cities. Is that bad? Am I supposed to call them on the phone to get a verbal update on their life, or they are not my "true friends"? Have 1:1 sessions in Signal to discuss what exactly? Their Facebook photos?

Spoken by someone who is extremely repulsed by the current Facebook/Insta, but it was a very unique and useful tool in my life.

> I don't understand this "be my true friend or screw you" advice that is repeatedly given here.

That wasn't the advice. The advice is that if you want to maintain a relationship with someone, make a little effort to do so. Social media has made people ultra-lazy.

> Am I supposed to call them on the phone to get a verbal update on their life, or they are not my "true friends"? Have 1:1 sessions in Signal to discuss what exactly? Their Facebook photos?

I mentioned email, but your reply mentions everything except email.

Anyway, as far as what you're supposed to discuss, yes, you'll want to get an update on their life. "Hi, wondering how you've been. What's new with you?" Not that difficult.

It's almost as if social media has created learned helplessness, and we've forgotten how to be human.

> That wasn't the advice. The advice is that if you want to maintain a relationship with someone, make a little effort to do so. Social media has made people ultra-lazy.

exactly. Today people won't even comment on something, ask you something. They just see the posts/stories, or at max, click 'like' or one of the reactions.

You don't need to communicate every day or write long essays, but leaving a comment on a photo, or asking "did you like it?" if a friend post that they were watching a movie/etc, is not a lot of effort.

What if they didn’t give out email in the first place? What if they came back a few months later with “we’re good. Didn’t check email for a while. Can you use FB instead?”

The point is you shouldn’t dictate how someone you are interested in staying in touch to use certain tools.

> What if they didn’t give out email in the first place?

Ask for it?

> What if they came back a few months later with “we’re good. Didn’t check email for a while. Can you use FB instead?”

I'm not going to play hypotheticals. You can imagine a possible worst case scenario for anything. Confront that problem if it occurs, but what if it doesn't occur? You seem to be arguing that someone shouldn't even bother trying to leave social media, because there's a small chance that something inconvenient might happen. It's fatalistic and defeatist.

> Sure you can simply cut off those who don't use your preferred platform. But I've seen what happens to people who do that - when the first facebook backlash occurred back in the late 2000s. They disappear from the real world 'social graph' of their non-local friends.

Nah. I closed twitter and anything meta except whatsapp (for family), in which I have a big large text as the profile icon to search for me in signal. I have exactly the same social life as before, and this has been going on for years. Don't let the FOMO win.

Everyone is at least on Whatsapp, Signal or Line. Just ask for their number... if you don't think it's worth asking, that's probably because they're not your friends at all.

> Everyone

This is not true, at least outside the US. The varieties of service people use to communicate vary much more than this. Line for example, isn't used by a single person I know. Many won't use whatsapp (as a Facebook company). Signal is strange and intimidating to non technical people and so on.

> if you don't think it's worth asking, that's probably because they're not your friends at all.

I'm specifically talking about good friends, non geeks, I've known for decades. They're comfortable with their platforms of choice. This kind of inflexible - my way or the high way communication style you're advocating, isn't a healthy or effective way of maintaining very long term friendships.

I had to create a FB account because our neigbourhood uses is heavily to communicate and coordinate and FB marketplace is the best place here for used items. But that's it, my timeline is basically all ads and scams (the line is blurry there) with the occasional group post I actually like to see. It's an ok situation for me I would say.

Maybe you get the scams because from Facebook's demographic model of you, you fall in to the lonely and weird categories targeted by scammers? It can only go on what you've given it after all.

Well google chat, signal and telegram are unaffected by this and you can still use whatsapp after deleting your facebook profile. Source: deleted my facebook profile and am currently (unfortunately) forced to use whatsapp for some family coordination bs.

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