Forget Self-Improvement
deliberatism.com
deliberatism.com
Today, three years into running the company, picking up the phone to call a dozen people is peanuts. I don't like doing it, I'm not very good at it, I delegate it whenever I can, but if call I must, I'll do it, I'll be efficient at it, and I'll get results.
Saying "you didn't do it because you weren't meant to" is nonsense. Get your act together, stop making excuses for yourself, and do the uncomfortable thing that must be done, even if you lose sleep over it. If you do it long enough, it will seize being uncomfortable and become second nature. Shakespeare said it best through Hamlet:
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,
Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,
That to the use of actions fair and good
He likewise gives a frock or livery,
That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night;
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And master ev’n the devil or throw him out
With wondrous potency.Instead, I suggest examining why a desire seems important, and whether it might be more of a societal (or ego-driven) thing.
Additionally, I believe that if you take the time to find out what you really enjoy, some things will sort themselves out.
I've been really good at getting off my ass and doing things, as you suggest. In spite of this willingness to act, some of those things weren't as necessary as I had once believed.
Most of us want to finish the race, but see running as a chore.
The take away - Do what you love and "running" becomes enjoyable.
But take the example of running, or writing. Well like many people, I hated running at first, I really did. But I sticked to it because, well maybe it was some kind of challenge I had set to myself. And I got better at it. And I started to enjoy the feeling, to understand the messages from my body.
This is a classic example and I'm sure I'm not the only one to whom that happened. But let's now take the example of writing. I'm no writer, just a casual blogger (at best). I write by periods, but there is something I noticed: when I write often, inspiration and creativity flows more easily, and I tend to enjoy the activity more, while when I'm writing sporadicly, inspiration just doesn't come, and writing becomes a chore.
The opposite works too. I've always loved playing video games. This is something I really enjoyed doing. But you know what? When I turned 20, I decided that I would no longer play on a regular basis because I had better things to do with my life. Now I only play about 20 days a year, during the holidays. And that's it. And I'm happy because while I wasn't playing video games, well I got better at programming, I read Nietzsche, spent some time with friends (all things that I used to enjoy less that playing video games), and learnt how to love these things more than playing games.
Another point I'd like to raise is the fact that some things are more difficult to appreciate than others. Take wine for instance. Very few people like wine when they first try it, but when you get better at distinguishing the flavors, it is something amazing. The same goes with coffee (I mean coffee without sugar, cream, and other spoilers). Same with Jazz or Classic music. You have to learn how to appreciate these things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't trust your first impression. Or the second. Or the third. You can only know what you really enjoy if you try different things, and stick to them long enough.
I agree and I can mention many examples of my own in this regard where I didn't enjoy something until I tried for a while.
What a luxury to have the time and resources to "find what you really enjoy." It seems to be a first world problem kinda thing and coming from 1st/3rd (South Africa) it's a little paradigm shift (whilst reading) to appreciate where everyone is coming from.
"Taking time to find out what we really enjoy" by default sounds like taking the time to try lots of different things, assuming that when you try "the right one" you'll know instantly that you've found it.
That's a first-world problem to be sure -- think of kids in their early 20's (still kids...) trying out entry-level job after entry-level job and finding them all tedious and boring (well, yeah, you're not going to get a really interesting job in any industry until you're capable of it). Or traveling the world on Daddy's dime to "find themselves", but still not really finding much besides how to ask for a beer in 7 languages.
Too much choice is a bad thing psychologically, on the whole. Too little sucks more, to be sure, but the sweet spot is not "always higher".
"What you really enjoy" (like "your true love") isn't some fated truth that needs to be found, and you'll know it instantly on sight. There are tons of things that could be "what you really enjoy", and tons of people who might be "your true love", but either way it's going to take prolonged effort to make that come true.
You dont get to be CEO till your company has happy customers paying you moeny and your making a tidy profit. Till then you'll do anything and evertyhign thats necessary - most of it is unpleasent. 10% is fun.
Maybe there's a different emotion I could seek in my life. Potentially that feeling of accomplishment. Accomplishing something feels great. A lot of people have realized this, single player video games were based on the idea. It is, however, not hapiness. Happiness comes and goes.
If I allow my happiness to flow and fluctuate and act as it always does, and rather focus on getting that feeling of accomplishment, my attitudes change. When I approach a challenge, I don't focus on whether it will make me happy. When I do that, I think about the immediate perks, but also about all the potential frustrations that accompaygne the task.
So I think about it as accomplishment. If I do this task, I will accomplish something. Taking out the trash, 10 points. I don't care about the actual points I have, as the points aren't what I seek. So I don't even keep track. But as games are goals and games have points, it might be easier to connect in your mind with some points.
Go out running. Don't think about how long you have to run for, or how fast you have to run. Don't even worry about the clothes you're in. Just get on your street, and run in a direction. Any speed. Any pace. Now that you've started, and you've jogged enough to get warmed up, pick an object a short distance away and race to it as fast as you can. When you get there you'll be winded, and tired, and you might even vomit. Vomiting is just some random frustration though, it has nothing to do with the accomplishment that you just ran faster than you have in the past x years.
If you do decide you like accomplishing things, then this pattern of setting goals and reaching them can be done with tasks lists and check boxes. Build a momentum of doing it.
The next step is to align your goals to your dreams. Then take that momentum and checklists, and you'll feel more energy than ever to getting what you want done.
I'm not specifically referring to you keeptrying, I was simply writing some ideas down and ended up switching to second person since it was more natural for me to write that way.
I'm of the mind that most people are overwhelmed by impulses; therefore, they choose what's immediately desirable, over what they know to be the right thing to do.
Then of course, my post isn't altogether that different from yours, in terms of its applicability to the common person. While I can ask folks to reconsider their motivations, and seek out the things they love, few will in fact do so.
At the end of the day, there's one solid evidence of advice that I've ignored one too many times.
"Just try it."
also exercise.
The point though is that if you do this a few times, it will start to happen more and more and eventually you will make a habit out of it.
I am also going to point out something else that the author of the article misses that you get.
When I was just out of college, I worked in a cafeteria for a year, serving food. Sometimes I washed dishes (300 people per meal to one dishwasher for dishes and one for pots and pans). One thing I found was that this was boring work, but there were ways I could make it fun. What was my limit in washing dishes? (with the mechanical help, about 450 people per meal before I had to ask for help).
Serving food? I'd identify all the foreign students and try to learn the food terms in as many languages as I could. Cutting turkey with a carving knife for sandwiches? I'd see if I could do as well as a deli slicer in thinness and consistency, as long as I could do it fast enough not to allow a line to form. Heck I even had Saudi students make up signs in Arabic to indicate pork and wine in dishes.
My bosses hated the fact that I played all these games. They also hated the fact that I would step in to help out the lunch cook when needed if it didn't mean totally abandoning my post. They said it wasn't my job and I was helping someone else be lazy. I said I was having fun and improving building skills at the same time. That said more about them than about me.
If there is one thing that has served me well in starting my business it's that approach. There is nothing so dull that it cannot be made a game out of, where I cannot challenge myself to do it better.
I would say though that it is important to have goals that don't always align with your dreams. Sometimes one has to make grunt-work interesting in seemingly meaningless ways, but those ways are never meaningless. For example (when I am living alone, which I sometimes do), I might challenge myself as to how little I can spend on food in a month while eating a healthy diet. Sometimes out of all this some degree of creativity is born, and that makes all the difference. Sometimes that creativity comes back to my business.
And so.....
Self-improvement is not something to be learned from a book. It comes from making actions into challenges, first a few, then many.... until it becomes a habit. When we exercise we get stronger. When we exercise our overall capacities we become greater.
When I say 90% of being an entrepreneur is unpleasant - I mean it in a good way :). Ie, its unpleasant because its new to me and therefore I'm learning and I would still do all this crap than be at my old 9-to-5 where I was chasing other people's dreams - namely my bosses dream of getting promoted.
There's a huge difference between unpleasant and unhappy. :)
My whole point is that too many people keep thinking of finding that great job where you do what you love. But the whole point is the only way you can get to that point is by being successful in the first place - enough so that you can pay others to do what you don't like.
So while building up that capital of success your going to be doing heckuva lot of stuff you don't like.
I think a lot of people don't get this.
YOU CANT GET TO DO WHAT YOU LOVE WITHOUT HUGE PAIN aka SACRIFICE.
Some examples: 1. reading through all your contracts, legalese, terms of service and everything else you need a lawyer for. Mind numbingly boring but also real important.
2. writing copy for your site.
3. pitching your company in a bar at the end of a 80 hour week where you just want a drink in peace.
4. dealing with psycho customers who troll you for no good reason on forums where your promoting your company
5. Accounting.
Starting a company is probably the most extreme example though. Most profressions are just that - ie made up of 1 profession.
Starting a company is a multi-profession profession. Most of which you'd have never done before.
Again, my point isn't to avoid anything uncomfortable. It's to do it for the right reasons, and to ensure that you aren't procrastinating at something you dislike, when you could be getting ahead at what you do like.
1. Doing cold-calls because you have the discipline to do it. 2. Doing cold calls because you love to do it.
It's obviously (2).
Therefore, when possible, love what you do.
I see myself as very lazy but looking back the past 4 years in university, I've done well because I "work hard". I spend ~20 hours a week programming and learning new skills, not because I have the discipline to do it, but because it is simply what I do. Classmates who rely only on discipline alone don't stand a chance.
IMHO1 sometimes discipline is necessary to achieve your goals, but try not to depend on it too much.
I used to hate making hamburgers at McDonald's. After many months it became second nature. Three years later I asked myself: "Why am I doing this besides for the $15 an hour, which I can easily get programming for other people". When I couldn't come up with an answer, I quit. The worst thing one can do is to have mediocrity becoming second nature without it having helped achieve any of one's goals.
IMHO2 if you must rely on discipline to do something, make it something worthwhile.
The problem with achievement in any endeavor is that people assume it should FEEL easy. They assume that their lack of enthusiasm at any given moment is an indication that something is wrong.
The writer who has writer's block is apt to tell himself he's a fraud.
The guy who's had a fight with his girlfriend might be inclined to question the relationship.
The entrepreneur who's business is on the rocks might wonder if a cubicle job is a better idea.
The beginning programmer who struggles with the concepts might wonder if he's smart enough.
In the face of obstacles, it becomes very easy to question our path. The difference between success and failure in many cases is, i think, the knowledge and wisdom to understand that anything worth doing or having is HARD. It isn't all tea and roses. Sometimes you're going to want to give up and that's ok. That's what SHOULD happen, because if what you're doing is so easy that it never challenges you, then you're likely not doing anything amazing. True motivation is seeing the end game and still having the balls to slog through the miles of crap to get there.
The question isn't about whether something is difficult; it's one of whether the net gain is greater than the discomfort felt.
It does seem like the people who are naturally most driven are naturally more likely to succeed, because motivation is at the root of almost everything humans do wrong on a macro scale.
So there's a reason that a lot of self-help is about trying to hack motivation. Is it working? Not yet, I don't think, but it seems like we might be on the cusp of it working. I guess your observation boils down to "we haven't figured out the best ways to hack motivation yet", which appears to be true.
I guess the part that seems wrong is giving up on self-help because it usually doesn't work. I would argue not to give up on self-help, but instead to figure out self-help that actually works. The benefits are huge: instead of spending your life running because you love it so much, you instead hack yourself to love starting successful businesses. Not because being successful by itself is the goal, but because doing so is the best way to actually make the world a better place.
As an example, I hate going to the gym. It doesn't matter how much I should be going, I just hate it. The routine tasks, the big guys who grunt, the sweaty machines: gross! On the other hand, a mountain bike ride is so much fun that I don't even realize I'm getting exercise. I go back for the enjoyment, but I get the benefit of a workout.
From the same article as the Target pregnancy prediction[1]:
Over the next four months, those participants who deliberately identified cues and rewards spent twice as much time exercising as their peers. Other studies have yielded similar results. According to another recent paper, if you want to start running in the morning, it’s essential that you choose a simple cue (like always putting on your sneakers before breakfast or leaving your running clothes next to your bed) and a clear reward (like a midday treat or even the sense of accomplishment that comes from ritually recording your miles in a log book). After a while, your brain will start anticipating that reward — craving the treat or the feeling of accomplishment — and there will be a measurable neurological impulse to lace up your jogging shoes each morning.
[1] http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/19/magazine/shopping-habits.h...
(Credit due to this r/fitness post: http://www.reddit.com/r/Fitness/comments/ptn63/how_to_train_...
If you don't enjoy something as is, see what you can do to introduce a side-game so that it is both enjoyable and a challenge.
I've spent the last few years working really hard on developing my ability to maintain focus on a task, improving my mental stamina, and pushing my programming skills. Every time my course veered into a spot where I felt less productive, I made some painful changes and tried again. And now I'm seeing the benefits (like getting up at 5 most days of the week, and coding for 12-14 hours). No pain, no gain.
> The most dangerous thing about our dislike of schleps is that much of it is unconscious. Your unconscious won't even let you see ideas that involve painful schleps. That's schlep blindness.
Hone in on the schleps you typically avoid and be totally honest with yourself why you're not doing something.
- Steve Jobs
You can only do what you want.
I found my self wanting to run more than it was perhaps safe to do, because I found it pleasurable. I liked running as running. I didn't like the idea of running. In fact, I thought of running as something crazy athletic folks with no brains did.
I enjoy the austere beauty of coding. The long bouts of concentration. The feeling that your thoughts are alive within the computer. But I also like the idea of being a super 1337 hacker, you know, the one that makes the machine magically bend to their will. Sometimes liking the idea of what you are doing is a distraction for concentrating on what you really enjoy about the thing.
I found this with running as soon as I started setting specific running based goals. In order to complete these goals I had to commit myself to the idea of them being worth achieving. Weirdly, I found myself running slightly less when I fixed myself on such goals since I was no longer concentrating on the purity of the act of running, which was what I was enjoying.
Human psychology is a troll like that.
If I had to offer advice to someone beginning running, I would say, concentrate on enjoyment. Until this article, it had never really occurred to me to practice this elsewhere.
Also, at no time when I was training for the marathon did I think "this is hard work", until maybe the week or two before when I had solidified my intentions to run it. I had it in the back of my mind as something I might do one day, but really I was running because it felt like less work than not running.
</rant>
A defining feature of individuals with ADD/HD is a tendency to focus on immediate rewards versus long term goals. This doesn't mean that X-Box and weed are what the universe 'wants' for anyone, it just so happens it's what some (or many) people are wired to respond to.
Acknowledging the gap between our natural, immediate, impulses and our long term desires is part of being an adult, and part of being human. We're capable of conceptualizing of and seeking a future that is not directly in front of our noses. Just because you're not immediately drawn to something, or just because it doesn't "feel" good does NOT mean it isn't worth pursuing.
Apropos, a great Moneyball quote comes to mind :
Billy Beane: You don't know how to play first base. Scott?
Scott Hatteberg: That's right.
Billy Beane: It's not that hard, Scott. Tell him, Wash.
Ron Washington: It's incredibly hard.
Billy Beane: Hey, anything worth doing is. And we're gonna teach you.Developing a passion takes time and effort. Speaking for myself, I've actively disliked a whole slew of things until I developed enough skill to appreciate it. The stage between starting an endeavor and finding satisfaction in it can be very damn long.
Beginner to intermediate just-about-anything isn't "fun" and won't inspire feelings of "passion" or "love". That doesn't mean people should be discouraged by their pursuit.
Some are fortunate to either be very talented or very inspired very early on. That's the exception, not the rule.
I haven't found that to be universally true. Beginner to intermediate programming is really great, if you start it in a sensible way that foregrounds some of why it's interesting up front, with enough tools to let you make something happen fairly soon. The first 30 minutes of playing with Logo when I was in elementary school were amazingly eye-opening, and I couldn't put it down for weeks! It was pretty awesome really, you could give these commands to draw turtle graphics, and then change them to draw others, and then learn new techniques to make fancier things, etc., etc.
Unfortunately I think most people approach programming less in the way Papert was trying to promote, and more in the coding-death-march sort of way where you take a high-school class that lectures about C++ syntax for weeks. The hacker scene has a better angle on it, imo; plenty of first-time attendees at places like SuperHappyDevHouse and Maker Faire see an inspiring side of technology they missed in school.
Music is a pretty visible example; if no one persisted through the (fairly lengthy) early stage when the noises you can squeak out of your violin are downright offensive, we simply wouldn't have violinists in the world.
I'd feel lost if I couldn't have music in my life; it's something I do every day; but when I started learning as a kid, it was often frustrating and never really fun, though I had some sense that this was going to eventually give me something I wanted.
That very experience -- i.e., work at something for years and it'll really blossom into something that's central to your life -- also gives me the spine to work at other things with no immediate rewards or even much enjoyment at early phases, because I can see the longer path.
Writing code sucked at the start, but I wanted to get the result, and I knew already that if I persisted over months, years.. it would keep getting easier, and it would become enjoyable. Now it's my living, and I pour incredible amounts of time into it.
I wouldn't be doing either of these things if I sat down at the start and said, "well, am I really enjoying this now? If not, perhaps it's just not for me..."
Here is my view on self help. Self help is about trying to cultivate the thoughts and processes for being the best version of your self. It's about actively creating your own thoughts, motivations, actions, goals, dreams, etc. There are a variety of ways for one to think about this stuff: books, conversation, workshops, or self reflection. But it is valuable stuff. Suggesting to forget all of this is horrible advice.
(Have to break these things up a little, you know?)
How does that sound to you?
Maybe, but this is not true of Tony Robbins, one of the biggest in the business. His technique is to get you to dig down into what outcomes you truly desire and then redefine the emotional associations you have with the steps necessary to reach them.
He assumes you already know what it is you love, but that you're not working towards it because the steps required have either too many negative or not enough positive emotional associations. It's not for everyone but it's been excellent for me.
Sure, there are times when I love the process of writing or programming or creating in general. But sometimes you have to jump some hurdles to get in the flow.
What ideas do you find yourself thinking about when you catch your focus drifting off onto something else?
Is it another project? Something specific? Or maybe a more abstract concept -- something that's been ruminating in the back of your mind for several years?
Whatever it is, explore it more deeply. This may guide you to your true passion. Your true potential. If you're not passionate about something, it will never consume you so it won't resonate in your mind long enough to find true genius within it.
It's not a hack.
I keep seeing 300-odd word articles which are totally irrelevant turn up with 'up vote me on hacker news!' links at the top. Dislike.
At least that's my perspective. When I started in business (at 26 years of age) the only thing I thought about was the work. In time, I learned that while I still like what I do at the office, there are bigger questions to be asked.
Having 'up vote me' links is SEO servitude.
If the author was serious about this stuff then a lifehacker style post about how to do it in some cool cunning way is the way to go.
That article is generic advice, a 'read me!' title to the post and 0% content or hack.
Dis. Like.
As for the "0% content" part, I'd ask you to read a couple of other posts before outright dismissing it. Perhaps from there you'll get a feel for whether it's link-bait or something I believe to be important--and worthy of broader attention.
Yea it is, it isn't a small button at the bottom. Also twitter and facebook are already full of noise but HN isn't, it feels like you want to promote noise in HN. Despite if this is what you want, that is what it feels like.
Every time somebody does this "vote me on HN" stuff, I wont if the content isn't really good and very, very clearly belongs to HN. It raises the bar even higher.
Newsflash: There's nothing you will love all the time. Everything has some tedium. Suck it up, and get it done. Call it "self improvement" if you must. But really, it's about having some willpower to get through the things you must to achieve the things you want.
Willpower is useful, but not always the right thing. Many of those with willpower stick with something long past it making sense to do so.
Because sooner or later, they always hit that dull moment. And so they just jump from one thing to the next, disappointed that they just can't get to that mythical sweet spot everybody mumbles about.
I'm not saying willpower yourself through years of drudgery. I'm just saying that there is nothing that will you infallibly get out of bed and motivated every single day of your life. There'll be dull spots, there'll be lulls, there might even occasionally be a dull week or month.
If I read things like "The writer gives in to the joy of playing with words, moving past the aggravation", I want to scream. The writer often struggles with words, and occasionally hates having chosen that profession. And yet the good ones stay with it. Entrepreneurs notice long days, and they occasionally wish they didn't have to suffer through them - but they're compelled to still build that vision. (And some days, the only thing that compels them is knowing that their business might run into trouble if they don't go to work)
I've had the privilege to know world-class people in several different professions. They all occasionally hate all the hard work that goes into it, but they continue it. Not because they "love" it, but because they're compelled to excel at what they do, and they're already good at what they do.
What they love are those few, precious moments where they are at the peak of their craft, and everything seems effortless. What they know is that you pay with a lot of hard work for each of these moments.
(admittedly, I never heard that in five years of active climbing, but upon hearing it I immediately understood it to be true)
Learn to love the process, not the results. Find your foe not in achieving success, but in destroying the obstacles. You can't get anywhere if you cannot motivate yourself to go there.
Or something poetic like that. People should probably not assume that they have the right to do what they love. What they should learn is to love what they do.
The nice part was that I was able to listen to podcasts on my walk, and this resulted in a really nice way to start my day.
(It's a pity it got so rainy.)
That helps alleviate the pressure which would otherwise have made it impossible for me to put on my running shoes.
While some might not approve, their approval might not actually be that relevant.
This blog post assumes:
1) You know what you love to do.
2) What you love to do is profitable.
1) Do you love what you do?
2) Could there be profit in what you love?
3) Is profit the most important question?
Deliberatism isn't about telling people what to do. It's about asking questions in a fashion that might get people talking and coming up with their own answers.
Do I have anything to offer? Nope. Sorry.
Great. I'll start eating pizza three times a day, stop bathing, and jerk off more.
I used to love HN, but this fake, new-age like philosophizing is getting pretty tired.
The Point: people are usually good at things because they enjoy doing them. People succeed at "careers" or other "things-that-take-a-long-time-to-succeed-at" because they see at least part of it as not-work while others see it as tedious.
Second of all, you think this is new-age? Have you seen zenhabits.net?
You come off as angry and looking for an argument. The author clearly isn't talking about every action and behavior pattern you might enjoy/not enjoy. The author isn't asserting a new paradigm of behavioral philosophy. You've apparently been here for a while, you seem to have read the entire article, and yet you don't recognize the point through the context?
While you seem to think that the OP is so obviously false that it shouldn't be said, I think that is so obviously true that it goes without saying.
It just seems utterly obvious to me that the greatest things are achieved by people who are driven to achieve the goal. Though that drive my not be provided by love for the process. Sometimes the drive might be provided by obsession or compulsion or some other emotion.
It also seems obvious to me that you can't just will yourself into having this sort of drive. Though, for all I know, there may be techniques (e.g., hypnosis?) that might help with developing drive, it seems clear that if there are such techniques, they are not uniformly known or effective. I certainly think that trying to develop discipline is something that is essential, but you're still going to have to have some innate drive too.
Unlike you, I didn't see anything in the OP that says that you should just do anything that you love to do, all other consideration be damned. It only claimed that what you chose to do should be something that you love. As I said above, I would have thought this so obviously true as to go without saying.
Regarding the article, didn't really like it as well—I think its point is somewhat vague and unconvincing—‘universe trying to tell us something’… And I don't think it's as simple as ‘finding what you love’ (since questions like yours legitimately arise in response), it's more about learning to love what you do first. Enjoying the process should be of higher priority than the end goal—that's what it's about, I think.
Spelling, for instance, might prove useful if you need to gain the confidence and the respect of others through written communication, in the pursuit of your larger goals.
[1] http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx (for the record, I heard about it on HN, bought it, did the survey, and was a bit 'meh' about the results. Basically, it told me I should be exactly what I already am, but I'm not happy as I am, so it was a bit of a wash)