Ask HN: What are ways to combat loneliness and build meaningful connections? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: What are ways to combat loneliness and build meaningful connections?

140 pointsbhavyabarot106 comments

Loneliness can be a challenging and isolating experience. Have you ever struggled with loneliness? If so, how did you cope with it? And what are some strategies you've found helpful in building and maintaining meaningful connections with others?

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Practice "aggressive friendship". People love being invited to things so when you find someone you like, start asking them out. Play tennis. See a movie. Get coffee. Happy hour after work. Walk through the park. Get lunch at work. Be respectful, be ok with a no, but believe that you are worth spending time with. And count on the fact that most folks are lonely too, and will jump at the opportunity to hang, an opportunity you are now providing.

The other thing I'll say is that I feel very lucky to have made friends with people who were already part of a big friend group. It's hard to build your own community from scratch, it is much easier to join an existing one. Birthday parties, shows, cook outs, are group events and making friends with friends of your friends builds out your web.

It's hard work, I was pretty lonely for the first two years after I moved out to the bay knowing no one, but building relationships is one of the most rewarding uses of time I know.

This x 100. In many ways making friends as an adult is like romantic dating, but should be less stressful and easier. You just have to start asking people to do things together. You'll find that you really connect with some people, and others you won't but don't despair. Just keep "dating" until you find a group of people you enjoy hanging out with and who enjoy having you around.

My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends.

I mirror other people, always have. If they are happy to see me, I'm happy to see them. But if they don't call, I don't call. If we are both introverts we collectively decide that the other person thinks we're a toad and nobody likes us. If it weren't for the "Extrovert who collects introverts" trope I'd probably have no friends at all (or at least, prior to volunteering). There are a bunch of people I only ever see when we both show up at a third person's house or event.

You should really check out https://github.com/monicahq/monica

> My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends.

Please don't, that is not dignified neither for you nor for the people you put there. You could even call it creepy.

I had an acquaintance a few years ago that was a hacker type and I suspect he was doing that, and automatizing "what's up"-messages.

Even when I'm doing the sending it still devolves to "what's up" 10% of the time.

Just occurred to me that people CRM is called a phone book! Add notes, bdays, pics, etc.

> believe that you are worth spending time with

Yes but what if you are not, Lol

This sounds like generic motivational stuff..

In reality, you’ll find out that people will see it immediatly, they’ll get annoyed at you very quickly, and they sure as hell have ways to let you know

I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- I just feel like that’s the hard part..

If its helpful i have found that i am a better version of myself around only certain people, and i dont know why. On paper i wouldnt pick them to bring it out, and cant explain it. In practice i think that means keep dating, and believe that when you find people you mutually click with, hanging out becomes mutually fulfilling.

But it takes a lot of false starts, effort, and a few tries per person to figure out. That is daunting, but also each time a click happens you have a potentially lifelong friend and you only need a few for a lifetime of fulfillment. Getting rejected even 100 times is a small price to pay for that.

The world is very big, i guarantee we all have folks we click with. Just dont try to over rationalize the reasons, or overly constrain where you look.

> I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”-

That was not what occurred to me as I read your comment. I would have thought the next step would be to try again, and then again, until eventually you find the people that can tolerate you, and even like you for who you are. They exist!

The problem with adult friendships is that, much like dating, people think they can do much better than they actually can. We feel we should have friends that are funnier, more artistic, more educated. And then we go out and pursue these people, only to realize that we don't fit in with them -- our lifestyles and backgrounds are too different -- there's a reason we made the friends we did.

If you want to change that, then you'll have to change your personality to be "worth" those other people's time. But before that, perhaps you could pause for a moment to recognize the people who did appreciate you as you were.

This is a pretty weird view of it I think. Ranking people in that way.

> Yes but what if you are not, Lol ... “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- I just feel like that’s the hard part..

as someone who deep down doesn't feel he's worth spending time with I have to agree. and my impression is that going down that route of trying to solve it might make things even worse because what people want is to be around other people who are easy going and relaxed. I'm convinced it boils down to that. that's why laid-back pricks are consistently more popular than uptight nice guys. even though it technically or rationally doesn't make sense. but trying to fix an issue about yourself tends to make you even less relaxed as you are busier monitoring and reflecting yourself.

I mean that as actionable advice. Believing you are worth spending time with makes you more fun to spend time with. If it's hard for you to believe that, I found that talking to my existing friends 1:1 about it and therapy made the difference long term.

"Nobody knows what's wrong with themselves, and everyone else can see it right away."

One of Mad Men’s best quotes. I’m also partial to: “That’s what the money is for!”

How do you find people that you like?

Be somewhere where people congregate repeatedly. Regular at a pub, bouldering gym, arts meetup. Really anything where you'll see the same people consistently.

My rule of thumb that it takes something like 3 reasonable length conversations with someone in a short timespan (weeks to a couple months, short enough that you remember the person and their associated context each time) before you really exist to each other.

So ask yourself, what interests do I have that will facilitate this repeat interaction? Then you are left with the work of figuring out what groups and events exist, and actually going to them consistently.

>Be somewhere where people congregate repeatedly. Regular at a pub, bouldering gym, arts meetup. Really anything where you'll see the same people consistently.

Agreed. If you're introverted, find a "club" or sport that you enjoy and just start participating. You automatically become part of the circle, in my experience.

i can confirm that. it happened to me. went to a session to play irish folk. barely talked to anybody. every week i was just there to play. but after a few months everyone, including me was invited to a birthday party. part of the circle...

I went climbing for years alone and did not found friends there. People come in preexisting groups and don't talk outside them. At least here.

They are nice, but the extend of socialization is "can I use this wall now" question.

Same exact experience. People already have their friends. I’m the weirdo coming by myself.

But my biggest problem is if I went there 4-5 times already and did’t make friends. Then I start become the weird person who comes there and does’t know anyone. Then I stop going.

Has this been confirmed by anyone, or is it something happening in your head?

I have a lot of these “what ifs” that are unsubstantiated - they’re my anxiety popping up. I don’t know if that’s you, but what you wrote feels familiar.

I suspect most people aren’t thinking about you that much.

That matches my experience, since for me "what interests do I have that will facilitate this repeat interaction" is an empty set. The last time I made a friend was in an online game more than ten years ago, and it was before most games dropped private servers for random matchmaking. I've made "casual friends" with a couple people at work, but since the pandemic we've only been meeting two or three times a year so it's a very shallow relationship.

Do LAN parties still exist? There used to be actual physical community around gaming and it's a shame it's died off.

I'm part of a local community trying to keep them alive here. It's both sad to see a bunch of college kids completely new to the LAN concept, but encouraging to hear their remarks about how much fun they had. We used to have a few "LAN Centers" that shutdown around 5 or 6 years ago, but were dying since 2010.

My friends and I are all in our 30s enjoy bringing Quake3, UT2k4, Age of Empires II, Warcraft 2 / 3, Red Alert 2, Soldat and other LAN favorites to a new generation. Although I'm still struggling to convince them to let me destroy everyone in DOOM2/Quake1.

As far as I know there were only a couple serious ones in my country. I went a few times to one that stopped 12 years ago or so. The other one has one last tweet announcing it was getting cancelled due to covid.

You give lots of good advice.

I would add that it helps tremendously if you have some hospitality to offer, or can build up to that.

One thing that has worked is taking the effort. Make a phone call to that old school friend. Ask coworkers to go out for a drink after work. Inviting neighbours to watch a game over food. Joining a local deep learning meetup. We have to take the extra effort to overcome the social anxiety. Rejection is absolutely fine. Respect their space and move on without hard feeling.

One interesting thing is modern society has broken all of us. Human beings are not evolved to stay in isolation in a place so far from where you grew up. Loneliness is affecting everyone. So when you take the extra effort, you are also filling their gap.

Solitary confinement is one of the most extreme punishments used in prisons to the point it's controversial. And yet we do it to ourselves voluntarily!

It’s not really the same though. Solitary confinement in a prison is lack of any type of stimulation. You are on your own in a small empty room with nothing to do.

Hardly the same as being free to do whatever you want in your own home surrounded by entertainment and stimulation and knowing you have the ability to communicate with others if you want.

This is it really - the more I tried it the more people just absolutely loved it. People suck at keeping up with each other - if you make any effort at all (and do it regularly) suddenly you appear to be the social butterfly. When all it really takes is the occasional phone call or text message

For friends, one approach is to ask whether you prefer to make friends "shoulder to shoulder," engaged in shared tasks, or "face to face," in direct conversation. You can meet "shoulder to shoulder" friends via organized activities such as volunteering or playing recreational sports. If you do something with someone often enough, you're kind of a de facto friend for that particular activity. It feels good for other people that they can depend on you, and it feels good to have other people depend on you.

"Shoulder to shoulder" friends can become "face to face" friends. For example, teammates in a sports league will often go for post-game drinks. Volunteering activities are sometimes conducive to conversations, especially in moments of idleness. For example, I volunteered at a food bank a few months ago. My team had to wrap and transport pallets of food, and when there weren't any completed pallets, we stood around and chatted.

For intimate partners, try apps. Hookup apps, or dating apps used as hookup apps, get the most buzz and attention, but they're worth a look. I was single in the heyday of Tinder, and while it was marketed as a hookup app and used that way by a lot of people, I found plenty of people on it looking to meet people for dating, relationships, and marriage. That's how I met my wife. Some apps cater to specific tastes and desires, others have built-in mechanisms for indicating preferences (including asexuality), and some just give you a blank space to say whatever is important to you.

Famously, advice for adult men after a breakup or divorce is to take a cooking class.

You meet people shoulder to shoulder, and your presence in the class is taken as evidence of possessing a personality. If anyone is available (apparently common in cooking classes), then you can transition to face-to-face.

Classes in general, are a great way to re-invigorate one's social life. My wife recently did this and, ableit slowly, a social group formed out of her art classes.

My last comment here for a while, but to answer the question... you might not end up being able to? Like, ever?

It's like asking "how do I win the lottery." You can improve your odds. And you might also never win. A lot of people never win the lottery despite buying a lot of tickets.

For some people, success at building connections is a matter of personality. Or it might be the area where you live. Maybe it's how closely in touch you are with people you knew from grade school and college, or whether you moved away from the town where you grew up. Maybe it's whether you're close with coworkers. Maybe it's whether you are enthusiastic about hobbies you have in common with others, or maybe it's how you look and dress.

There are so many different factors that influence the outcome for any given individual. You can follow none of the commonplace advice and end up in the middle of an active social network. Or you can put a lot of energy into trying things out and come out empty-handed in the end.

Yes, much of it seems circumstantial. People who have communities are in a different situation than people who do not. A lot of loneliness is age related, location related, etc… This thread is filled with kind, well intended, totally worthless advice being offered by younger people, people who have a community, people who have a family, people who live in dense urban areas, etc… The answer seems to be “volunteer”, but obviously if that worked there wouldn’t be these threads. Loneliness is a societal problem, not something an individual can solve by volunteering.

I moved to Colombia, met a girl and found some friends through her, and through their friends I made other friends. Where I'm from, neighbors don't even say hi to each other. Now when I go out people are like "hola vecino, qué más, bien o no?".

In my home country, I could go for days without talking to anyone. One time someone started yelling at my brother for smiling. Kinda sucks to live in a place where no one talks to you and you aren't even allowed to be happy.

I do think it’s worth having this conversation about what happened to the United States that the default condition now is isolation and it requires “putting in the work” to fight it.

What if our default condition was connection?

I think most people here assume that social isolation is the result of things like social media or smart phones. I think it has much more to do with urban planning. The street used to be a place where children play, people "loitered", and people met new people and made memories. Now it is just a place where we sit in traffic because everything is so spread out that we can't walk anywhere. We don't meet our neighbors because we all leave through the garage, surrounded by 2 tons of metal.

Yeah, in Medellín most houses have 2-3 floors [1] and those who live on the street level often have businesses that they run from their house. They have small gardens outside and there's always people in the park, dogs running around, kids playing, music everywhere. It's very cozy and nice compared to Swedish suburbs [2], where you're forced to stay inside 8 months a year because of the climate.

One time a man in Sweden said hello to a neighbor and the neighbor perceived it as harassment and reported him to the police [3]. It's not illegal though, but generally only weirdos and drunks talk to strangers. Maybe it has something to do with the climate.

1. https://quad.pe/e/5m5r0td9nK.jpg

2. https://quad.pe/e/5EJdfRGdIb.jpg

3. https://www.st.nu/2017-11-15/kvinna-anmaler-man-for-ofredand... (run it through some translation service)

It’s very true that trying dig out of lonelinesses in average American suburbia is playing on hard mode. Everything about the built environment says keep to yourself. People talk about taking a stroll at Target with a coffee purchased at the Target Starbucks as the closest thing to “being in public”

Have something to offer.

Some people want your perspective. Some people want your ear. Some just want your presence. Figure out what you want, and pay attention to what others want. Finding the right match is when you end up having a great time.

Consider the medium you use for interaction and find a balance. My theory is that many people feel lonely nowadays because they overuse certain mediums for communication - the internet. It's not bad, but just doing something outside or in real life can make all the difference.

Very true

Often for me it is just getting myself out there - you might go to a certain event and talk to nooone and feel awkward. Screw it - just KEEP GOING. Eventually people will recognize you and eventually you will start to talk to people (or them to you). The key is just to be consistent and friendly.

Have definitely been there. And I’m still working on it, on some level. Here’s what I would’ve liked to tell my younger self.

1. Understand it takes time. There are no shortcuts to intimacy. Come on too strong, whether it’s just friendship or it’s romantic, and it just makes people wary. While you’re waiting for relationships to form, make sure you are getting out there and doing things. Make plans with yourself, and commit to them. People will like you more if you’re busy - it couldn’t matter less what those plans are. Just be busy. Physical activities outdoors are best for raising your mood.

2. Build on the connections you have. Someone who’s just an acquaintance? Could be a friend. Did they seem to enjoy being around you? You want people in your life who make you feel good, who make you feel like you belong. So be open minded and pay attention to how people respond to you. If it’s a warm lead, ask them out for a walk or a hike, something active. Makes it easier if there’s something to do. Or sometimes it’s as simple as accepting an invitation, if they’ve already put out feelers.

3. Become a regular. Go to a coffee shop or a restaurant once a week. Don’t go too much, and make sure you’re polite and tip well. The cashier probably isn’t going to be your friend, and you probably don’t want them to be. But those loose connections have a positive impact on your mood, whether you realize it or not.

4. Take a class or join a gym or club. I tried F45, and ended up in a jiu jitsu gym. Better if you find something that you connect with and enjoy. Go in all seriousness to get lost in the activity, but be open to new connections. They will happen naturally once you begin to enjoy it because you will feel like you belong.

5. Get a therapist. If you’ve got any kind of social anxiety, it helps having someone tell you once a week (or two weeks, or month) that you’re just a normal human being experiencing normal things. At least it did for me.

Worst thing you can do is lean too much on any one resource. (Again, speaking from experience here…) If people get the feeling that you want something to happen a little too much, it’s like kryptonite. You’ll make mistakes and that’s okay. Take your learnings and move on. It’s just a matter of time before you find your people, you’ve just got to keep at it and not force things.

That’s my two cents :)

I may be downvoted for this - but you should make it your #1 priority to find a long term partner (ideally headed towards marriage so you’re locked in). Make sure it is someone extroverted. As a side effect of the relationship and their extroversion, this person will then “autonomously” improve your social life with 0 effort on your part. It worked very well for me - married 7 years now and expecting our first child. Never felt lonely since the relationship started plus gained many friends from it. I would place myself very slightly on the autistic spectrum (undiagnosed) so I’ve always felt building social circles on my own to be challenging.

I would also say this is bad advice. I am not going to downvote you (because I think downvoting should be reserved for worse) but if you do this then you are essentially relying on your partner for friendship AND a relationship.

I see too many couples do this - what they really want are best friends and instead they seek out a partner for this. Should your partner ALSO be your best friend? Of course. But you also need other best friends (each of you) separately in my opinion.

Glad it worked for you, but "I need to get married ASAP to cure my loneliness" may backfire if the marriage ever ends given that you are not, in fact, locked in. Also, the odds of it ending may increase given that you may be willing to forgive a lot of personality quirks in your rush to marry, but those could prove to be unacceptable once you're married for a while.

It’s not necessary but perhaps date someone from a culture where they almost never divorce - I married an Indian and brought her here on a visa. The divorce rate there is one of the lowest in the world, about 1%.

Isn't the low Indian divorce rate due to extreme cultural pressure to remain together and a court system that is extremely limiting in who can divorce, not an indicator that the marriages are happy or fulfilling?

I mean I just have my ideas, so maybe this isn’t correct, but I think Indians treat family relationships more like a single unit as opposed to US culture where everyone acts more like an individual (even people within a marriage) and finds reasons to prioritize going their own path. What you’re saying may have elements of truth too.

My N=1 experience is my relationship is very happy and fulfilling.

Marriage with spouse resentful that you locked her is not all that great. And since the plan is the "I do zero effort and get stuff from spouse" chances of resentment are high.

Hopefully your spouse doesn't die or end up disabled. Marriages can end/the spouse can stop being the social engine for reasons that aren't divorce.

Not going to downvote, assuming you're saying this in good faith.

This is really bad advice.

Lots of people (usually men) do this — letting their partner be their conduit to social engagement, and not only is it lazy, it's harmful. It puts extra stress on the partner and relationships will only exist mediated by them. Then you have the most obvious problem — if the relationship ends, so do the friendships. They're your partner's friends first after all.

I really really encourage you to try to make a few friends completely independently from your partner, it's important.

Makes sense, but wasn't there a bit of a Catch 22? How did you meet your long term partner and develop intimacy, without first improving those skills in general?

My experience is that intimate partners are easier than friends, because whatever awkwardness or other social issues you have, the other person is going to spot it and not go on a second or third date with you unless they can tolerate it. So if you're on a third date, they've already decided that it's provisionally okay with them. Also, I feel like people are way more tolerant of weirdness one-on-one than in groups, because in groups they have to worry about what other people in the group think.

Once you have a partner, or just someone you're dating, they will expose you to other people in social settings, which will give you more practice under a critical and supportive eye.

But that might just be my experience.

Just reach out to at least 1 person every single day, whether online or in-person, as a habit. It is an annoying process but pays dividends once you find someone who you like and who wants to be with you.

However, she actually messaged me first on a dating app and I eventually brought her to the US on a fiancé visa.

Once upon a time I would have suggested Meetup as a way to (as one would expect) meet people interested in similar hobbies. Sadly, it's gone badly downhill since they started charging to run groups, leaving only the most dedicated people and the ones who are just using it as advertising for their paid events.

As someone who used to go to 2-3 Meetups in Chicago a week, I can say that Meetups are not a good way to build connections because you almost never see the same person twice.

Friendship requires 3 elements (which were easy when you're a kid and much harder as an adult): proximity, repeated exposure and letting your guard down. Meetups are good for the first, but don't do much for the second and third.

It's a funnel. If you don't make any connections, ie don't do anything for step #1, then #2 and #3 are much much harder, if not impossible.

They're not even a funnel. Meetups aren't the right channel for #2 and #3 -- they almost never happen based on (even pre-COVID) experience with Meetups (I went to 2-3 meetups a week for over 3 years, and despite being outgoing, I never made a single friend).

I had better luck with #1 + #2 taking classes at Second City than I ever had at Meetups. Classes give you repeated exposure to the same people every week. Repeated exposure gives people predictability, which helps them relax their defenses.

#3 is more difficult -- you have to take the extra step of inviting people out to do stuff together. People are more comfortable opening up in smaller settings.

I actually just yesterday attended my first ever event from Meetup (it was not paid) and I met a lot of interesting people and had good conversations. So I'd say to OP to give it a chance if they find something interesting there.

I find them hit-or-miss. It's important to keep an open mind.

The Heylo app is pretty good - it is a bit janky itself (software wise) but lots of people and groups are using it. Highly recommend checking it out!

How come no one builds a competitor?

I suspect monetización is the challenge. It’s similar to an image host. Everyone loves you when you don’t need to make money and you can do what’s best for the end user.

They have, Eventbrite is in the same ballpark for example. How come they don't succeed is the question.

Meaningful Connection starts with just a connection. We are all so busy in our lives these days that we forget to even say hi to people, or that neighbor or that acquaintenace that could become something more.

It takes effort to do it. In the old days, people would sit on their front porch and talk to their neighbor or go out with friends or just hang out in their neighboorhood. Nowadays, everything has to be planned. Oh you want our kids to play with yours ? Lets setup a Play Date".

here is what I am doing lately. I am making an effort to invite neighbors to our house for a quick get together. Nothing formal but anything. I understand you can't do that with all neighbors bt start with some. Call that old friend u haven't spoken to for a while and go see them even if u have to drive for 2 hours.

Real example: We had invited some neighbors and now they are inviting us for a party this weekend. I really don't wanna go because I am so busy with my work and kids but decided to go anyway to ensure I don't break that chain. This get together is in the city where I have to drive in, find shitty parking and then walk. The lazy me would have said screw it and make an excuse. I would rather stay home and watch netflix or work on that code. But I am ensuring that my wife and I are both going to go and leave our young kids with her parents on Saturday night. This is a lot of effort honestly but we have to do it.

The point is that u have to make serious effort to make meaningful connections. People will reciprocate but no one wants to take the first step these days.

My number one advice is, if you enjoy it, to play board games. I've met people of all ages and most board gamers are very friendly. There's a wide selection of social games, or if you're similar to me, the more "thinky" strategic games, where there is less talk during the game but some good discussions afterward.

It's easy to reach out to others and say, "hey, how about a game?" because it's sets expectations with others, and there are plenty of cafes to offer neutral meeting spots.

It can be a slow process to build a social hub around it, but the key is regularity and common interest. Could this be applied to other hobbies? Yes!

My fallback would be bridge playing groups, knitting, or woodworking groups. No book clubs, I haven't had good experience with those.

Keep in touch with your family. Don't just call when you need something.

Get married. Have kids.

Love yourself.

Don't have kids to fix your social problems; fix it first. You owe it to them.

> Get married. Have kids.

Man, compared to the other two, that is a line that's doing a lot of heavy lifting.

Yeah I think getting married is what happens after you solve your loneliness problem, not before.

If not marriage (though it should be) DEFINITELY before kids.

What? It is opposite. Having kids make you lonely especially when they are little. It is super isolating even if you are not the primary care provider.

That's why you need to solve your loneliness stuff out before you have kids.

When you have kids you have no time to be lonely.

I think with caregiving of any type, there can be a split between loneliness and isolation. When I was the the caregiver for my mom when she was sick, I had no time to feel lonely, but after a few months the isolation of the situation really began to play tricks on my mind. It felt like my entire world shrank to just that house, everyone I ever knew became text bubbles on a phone, and the rest of my life that had happened up to that point felt like a dream that may or may not have actually happened.

I have been really picky about the people I mix with, and yet it has not hindered me from having meaningful relationships.

What I do and what I suggest you do is to find interest groups. I am active culturally all my life. And I took part in a lot of cultural programs and started organizing ones early in life. Even if you stay in touch with 20% of the people that you meet, you can be "friends" with 1-2% of people. Actively participate in your local interest groups: book club, sports, music, charity, programming groups, community service- whatever things you like. And focus on those activities. You will make friends naturally.

I am very active in drama, books, badminton, charity, quizzes, etc.

Even if not weekly meetup things, try and host programs once a year with people. Take active part. You will find the time.

One thing I would like to add is you have to understand that making close friends is also about sharing their problems, their pasts. You will have to sacrifice now and then to maintain long-term relationships. Very close friends (which should be a small number of people) are like family. You have to invest in them, and put necessary effort.

tl;dr: be extremely extroverted and spend all your free time in group activities.

Gee, thanks.

I guess it's still not clear for some how introversion works. Group activities with friends are OK, group activities with strangers drain me for weeks and are not my idea of fun.

I'd find it more meaningful to host a group than to join one, but it's an order of magnitude more work and still as draining.

Even programming groups sounds dreadful, but I'd enjoy mentoring people 1:1 or 1:2.

I've found that having something to share or help with makes you feel like you deserve to be there a bit easier - and makes most situations less awkward. By this I mean volunteering for example. Going to volunteer or hold signs at events that fit with your convictions is a great way to meet likeminded people.

I've met many great people and have built a network from people I've met at protests and events - if you're spending an hour or two next to someone holding signs, it's likely you'll chat!

Having common goals (or being part of an organisation) helps as well!

For animal rights for example, I know that Anonymous for the Voiceless events are open to everyone and (if you are into animal rights) you'll probably make friends. (This is a couple years back I don't know how it is today). Helping out at your nearby animal sanctuary is a great idea as well!

> Have you ever struggled with loneliness?

Yea. For a bit in my 20's and 30's. I think like most nerds.

> If so, how did you cope with it? By distracting myself. So, not very well. But thankfully I'm more of an introvert, so, I have a bit of an advantage there.

> And what are some strategies you've found helpful in building and maintaining meaningful connections with others?

1) Being best friends with super-networkers. You know, those people that are always throwing parties. Glom onto them without being creepy. Be helpful at said parties and always be friendly and forward.

2) Start a family. Party friends aren't family. They're not really "friends".

3) Start keeping in touch with friends and don't stop. For example, never leave the town you grew up in. Hehe, it might work, but I wouldn't know. Bounced around the world too much.

Join groups of interest, participate in those groups, and talk to the other people who are there. For example, I moved to a new city where I knew zero people. I'm into exercise, so I joined a crossfit gym, and I talked to the other people there. A handful of them became friends who subsequently invited me to do a triathlon with them. Then I joined a triathlon club, and I went to the weekly training sessions and spoke to the other people who were there. A handful of those people also became my friends. That initial interest (crossfit, triathlon) was enough to spark conversation, and then it's easy to find out what else we might have in common / see if our personalities gel, and then friendship blossoms.

Local Makerspace hosts a Q3A / UT2k4 lan night monthly to try and raise extra money to keep them going. Finding little local events like this has been very helpful ever since I dropped out of a lot of the usual hobby communities (cars, warhammer, TCG's) over the years.

I find I deal well with isolation as long as I get occasional chances to go socialize with friends. Even if its just grabbing lunch or sharing passion project updates.

It's a weirder suggestion, but you can even try going to a convention and meeting random people. Whether its for Anime, Hacking, Furries, etc getting back to going to my yearly convention gatherings is a nice reminder of being alive after two years of some of them going virtual due to COVID-19.

Make a connection with yourself. Rather than looking outward, look inward. Open up to and fully experience all you thoughts and feelings. Open up especially to your 'bad' memories, thoughts and feelings. What is so bad about it? Maybe I only dislike them because I am not use to those feelings. I know there are things in the past that I thought were rally bad but I don't feel that way anymore. How do I know that the 'bad' I'm feelings now wont turn out to be the same? Is there anything that isn't temporary? Is there anything that isn't subjective?

I agree basically with practicing intentional and aggressive friendship, but also don't rely on work for friends (a huge problem in NA), and don't live in car-centric suburbia. Make a point of visiting people for any and no reason until you get to the point where you can just "hangout" with no pretext. Also don't let yourself be the last person to move away from your hometown, take the risk early and gtfo

Since covid happened, it's been harder to just hang out with people so finding new hobbies or spending time doing something outside the house has helped me a bit. Still haven't been able to make friends as easily as I did in my 20s.

I'm also working on a meetups+hangout app where people can chat and hangout based on a topic in real life, nothing ready yet so can't share a link or anything.

Yeah my experience post Covid is people more so just want to stick to themselves or their own existing cliques

I have found the opposite actually IF you actualy get yourself out there and go to big social groups - there are the people who became more hermitted and then there are people who really do want more connection and are open to it

Seems like more people are on the "Heylo" app than Meetup now. Its kinda janky but theres lots of good groups and I have met a ton of people

If you live in or near a decent city or larger town - what local civic groups exist? If you're helping the amateur theater group build sets, doing the 3rd Assistant Parade Marshall job at the Xmas parade, and working in the beer tent at the local Summer Festival, and ... You may get busy, hot, and tired. But it'll be pretty difficult to feel lonely.

Get married. People are not designed to be alone.

I understand the truism, but in some ways telling someone struggling with loneliness to just get married is like telling someone who is starving to just eat more.

What they're really saying is to start thinking of marriage in Dickensian terms, when the impetus for coupling up was transactional (basic survival, mutual aid) rather than romantic love as we're accustomed to framing it today.

There are a lot of people in the modern world who need exactly that, but are in hock to cinematic depictions of marriage and feel that evaluating their needs from the angle of pure survival is unnatural.

That’s really interesting. I’d love to hear from more people who went this route to see what their experiences have been, especially when it comes to not just getting by in life, but the emotional connection OP is looking for, people, maybe if there are certain personality types more amenable to this way of approaching partnership.

Yes, that's very close to what I meant.

I didn't say "just". Find a partner to marry is not a simple task. However, having it as a goal changes the perspective and the way to assess potential partners, their preferences and values, and, by the way, own preferences and values.

I'm back in the office and really enjoying it. I thought WFH was good but I was turning into a hermit.

Play video games and talk on voice. I've made lifelong friends this way and I probably still get 1-2/year that stick around. More abstractly, I think the way to get good friends is to just focus on the one thing that's 100% in your power. Being a good friend.

If you have kids they tie you into your community to some extent. You meet the other families at daycare, you meet the families at the park, you make friends and try to avoid making enemies.

I tried very hard to make friends with other parents. Wow, after kindergarten, it's very difficult as people get busy within their own immediate family circle.

Salsa. In particular Cuban style.

Most schools will provide you with a partner and as you progress through the classes you will meet people and they often have parties.

in-person and regular community service or mutual aid.

nothing builds comraderie quite like having a common goal, and when the common goal is aligned with putting down roots in your community and Being There Now, you get to double dip on meaningful connections!

Play the ancient game of Go. Start online, then find a local club.

So I am normally super nerdy and often love my alone time. But these things have worked for me BIG TIME post covid:

1. Go to decent group events that are re-occuring and just KEEP GOING. It can be helpful to make a rule like "talk to one person new" at each one if that helps you. But the key is to be consistent - you will start to recognize other people that go and they will start to recognize you. And that makes it much, much less awkward to approach people. Go to events you are already into. Go to events you know nothing about. People love talking to someone who is an expert at something when they are not because you can explain the ropes to them. People also love someone who knows absolutely NOTHING about something (and freely admits it openly) because it shows humility and allows them to also do the same and relax.

2. People suck at keeping up with friendships - just regularly followup with people! Text or call at least one person every single day. I guarantee they will appreciate it and if you suggest doing something easy (movie, dinner, coffee, a walk or hike or run) they will very likely say yes. Everyone is lonely right now - you just have to be that person who takes the iniative. Do this enough and very quickly you will be labeled a "social butterly" when literally all you need to is a very minimum of effort. (Side note - also make sure to recognize that those people who are super social butterflies are not doing it easily - it takes effort - recognize that!)

3. Introduce people. People LOVE the person that seems to be the conduit for social interaction. Going to a group running event and you separately meet two people who both say they are artists? Immediately offer to introduce them and lead them together. Now you do not even need to do any of the social interaction yourself - you can just stand there and smile as they hit it off and both people like you. Your convo with each of them might have trailed off individually but by creating this dynamic you are in a way automating your friendships - so automate that shit!

4. After doing all of these things do your best to try to form that core social friend group that so many of us had in the past. I used to chock it up to being in college or highschool. Now that I am not: that is why I do not have one right? WRONG. Talk to young people. Talk to your younger cousins and nephews. Young people are increasingly in the same situation and it is really quite sad. If you can do all of the above eventually you will either find an existing group or create your own and once you do that everything just falls into place. I used to think the show "Friends" was dumb as hell and now it increasingly looks like some idyllic fairy tale for so many. (Side note - help people network whenever you can professionally - even if it is not your personal industry - there may be no benefit to you but people will remember).

4b. Increasingly I see too many people seeking this kind of friendship connection out of a S.O. which puts strain on the relationship (and pigeon holes the relationship or makes them more hermitted than needed) and I do not think it is the healthiest way to have a romantic partner (note I did not say unhealthy - there is no blame here). Should your partner be one of your best friends, maybe your bestest of best friends? Of course! But you each need your separate outlets too. And speaking from personal experience I have also had some amazing interactions with the best friends of past partners since you both can be completely honest and joke around about the person you are dating. In my opinion the most reliable way to know if you really like someone (partner or friend) or if people really like you is if you or they know your flaws (maybe even your worst) and instead find them fucking endearing. Find the flaws of people you love and help build them up when you can and when you cannot just laugh instead (maybe not always to their face).

Luckily as a mid 30s adult I recently have achieved all of the above and I can tell you that I am happier than I ever was in my 20s or 30s pre-covid. I do not even have a significant other - and some will say to not date within your friend group - but if the group is big enough (especially if there are several sub groups that are all sort of interacting and sharding amongst each other) I still think it is the best way to meet a partner. And as my friend always says: What you really want to achive is "The Referral" (meaning someone who is a good friend introduces you to someone they also like that they believe you might get along with as a partner). Trust me on this - it is better than any online dating app. Do you really want some algo designed by a legit engineer here that has a bunch of greedy executives breathing down their necks to shape and design how it works to maximize $$$ instead of just being the best god damn algo at introducing you to the person you might spend the rest of your life with or even just a fun weekend fling with? I do not. Hell no. I think we all knows what possibly goes into those things better than anyone and their primary purpose is not going to be in your best interest. Get The Referral. Be a "Referee"! It feels great to introduce people who then go on to really genuinely like each other.

TLDR:

Go to new events and do so consistently

Regularly followup with people

Introduce people when you can and automate your friendships

Get back that elusive friend group that used to be normal

Screw being told by a computer who to love

If you can, volunteer. Take some of your free time and donate it to others.

Hospitals are usually looking for volunteers to do simple things for patients. If you're great with kids, sick wards at the children's hospital will have ideas. Churches will always accept your help. I also believe some retirement homes will accept volunteers to read to and fellowship with seniors. If you want a challenge with a little thrill, volunteer for a local fire department and/or ems.

When you give of yourself, other will give of themselves to you. You will meet many people and some will become lifelong friends.

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