Ask HN: What is stressing you out, what do you do to stay sane? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: What is stressing you out, what do you do to stay sane?

28 pointsricberw49 comments

We’re living during a time of some pretty significant stressors — what is stressing you out and what do you do to stay sane and keep yourself going?

Share, please :) it is mental health awareness month after all!

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I am stressed by my neighbor's car noise. He has several cars, one is so loud (and a low frequency) it rattles our pictures on the wall. Our houses are very close to one another on a small private road. He turns it on randomly, revving it, any hour of the day or night. This has been going on for years. It's woken me up. It's interrupted our "wind down" time before bed. It drives me crazy because it penetrates my ear cavity, a low, spontaneous vibration in my brain, and I have no control-- we've tried talking with him, arguing with him, calling police, putting up a fence, discussing with other neighbors, etc, to no avail. He is also a bit aggressive, enough to frighten one of the neighbors, and I bought security cameras to give me and my family a little piece of mind. We live in a state where household guns are quite common (we do not own any), so that adds to my worry, whether it is an actual threat or not.

All I can do is hope that we move soon, but the housing market is not helping. I also try to focus on the moments of calm when I cannot hear his car. It takes considerable mental effort not to acknowledge the noise and let is alter my mental state.

For example, I work mostly from home, so I went outside yesterday to relax in the sun, only if for a few minutes, and he started up his car, shattering the air and any relaxation. I went back inside my house.

For me, hope, is the key. I can only hope that things will get better, and to be patient that they will. I tell myself that this only temporary, and will someday become a memory in the past. Another way I cope is to take many small vacations. It's amazing when we stay somewhere and don't have to worry about loud, spontaneous noises. Noise pollution is a thing!

Wow that’s horrible. I’m so sorry you are going through that.

I agree, it seems the best option is to move. There’s a good amount of housing inventory right now and prices have come down a bit, if you sell and buy a new primary residence you won’t have to pay taxes either, which is good.

Best of luck, keep your spirits up.

I hate that for you. I had a similar experience with unreasonable neighbors. People are so unstable right now that you just can't reason with them and to be frank it's not worth being shot over. Noise proofing curtains really do help - the heavier the better. Also (if you aren't into appearances) you can put those big moving blankets along an entire wall and they are super dense and will muffle noise. White noise machine and fountains also help with more soothing background noise until you are able to move. Good luck!

I am stressed out by the fact that it seems like my level of effort is not remotely coupled to my level of praise and reward at work. I could do almost nothing for weeks and still be told im doing well and get the same bonus.

I thrive in high pressure, stressful environments and everything at this job is so lackadaisical. At the same time Im realizing I hate being chained to a computer all day.

In top of this ive been experiencing spiritual/existential terror as a result of reading about gnostic doctrines which turned my former religious inclinations on their head. I am terrified that the gnostics may have been correct (if only metaphorically)

Additionally all my time management and prioritization faculties are failing. I am having a hard time remembering to brush my teeth each day, much less keep up with laundry, yardwork, dishes, mopping floors.

Stressed to the point that I am on the verge of puking some days. Having existential crisis on a daily basis. Feel like I have no hope for the future. Im lonely as fuck, bored, and I dont even remotely know how to make things better. I think about my own death frequently and it seems so nice. Id never off myself, before I get links for a suicide hotline, but I di have recurring invasice "I wish I could die" thoughts.

Stress management techniques at this point consist of getting high. And no, its not actually helpful, just escapism.

Id welcome any suggestions. Thanks for reading.

No one on the internet can provide proper suggestions. Do you have time and resources for speaking to a trained professional? I suggest speaking to a therapist or another trained professional.

My own view is that no one can help with existential dread unless they're an ascetic or philosopher. Maybe do some reading? But before you do, therapy and forgoing getting high may help.

Edit to rephrase confusing sentence.

You can’t keep a racehorse in the barn. You gotta race it. Get out of the barn.

I want to tell you thank you. I don't know what about your comment struck me so potently, but I was quite moved. I wont explain entirely, but you have changed my life in a very concrete and substantial way.

The simple right thing is hard to do. Go for it.

I think what stresses me out most right now is the idea that my life may be more than half over and I have a lot of stuff I want to do.

I really struggle with energy levels. I work hard at my job and I find myself unable to work effectively on the things I want to do after work and on my weekends. I waste a lot of time.

I've been in this holding pattern for years and I mostly cope by telling myself that I still have more time.

But recently realized my time is still passing. I'm trying not to fall into the mid-life crisis traps, doing some dramatic rash stuff because of this. But I wish I could find a way to break this holding pattern and do the work I want to do.

It's challenging. I hear about people who died early with super tragic cancer or heart attacks really young and I worry like hell that could be me without ever even starting the stuff I want to accomplish.

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

Mark 8:36

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this. When I was suffering from low energy levels and brain fog, these are the things that helped me. I don't know anything about your situation other than what you've written above, so apologies if you're already doing these things.

- I was overweight, so I started eating a healthier diet and exercising. I also tried cutting out some common food allergens and found that a couple of them were causing some consistent brain-fog issues.

- I started to ease off working quite as hard as I had been. For example, keeping my work time to while I was at work, padding in a little extra time in project timelines for some extra breathing room, and taking a lunch break just for myself. While at lunch I would read, or take a Coursera class ,go for a walk, or something else to get myself into a better mood.

- YMMV, but I did not find it helpful (from a mental health POV) to try to force accountability on the things I wanted to do by telling friends or family about them - that just increased my levels of stress.

Best of luck!

I am working on all of these things at the moment.

Thank you for the advice, and also just thank you for the encouragement. It's nice to know that I'm probably on the right track. :)

I identify strongly with this, including how it's written.

Are you "into" "startup stuff"? Willing to post a contact in your bio?

Have you ever tried to seriously pursue what you want to pursue? I ask because I was in the same situation, and now, when I'm financially independent and don't work, I found that I actually don't want to pursue my supposed interests anymore. It seems that they were just escapist daydreams that helped me cope working the job.

I've thought that it's just escapist fantasy before, and in fact there was a period of a few years where I firmly told myself "I don't actually want to make games anymore, I will never do it" but I keep coming back to the idea.

The truth is that making games is what I want to do, but I don't want to sacrifice to do it. The industry is notoriously brutal to get into and have a career progression in, so I avoided it after university.

So really the only way I would make games is either solo or on an indie team, but those paths are similarly brutal.

So it remains a dream. But maybe if I weren't so tired all the time, working a bit in my evenings and weekends wouldn't feel like such a sacrifice.

My startup failed in 2017. Leading up to that I had several panic attacks. Lots of things stressed me out: work, the news, money, etc...

I spent a lot of time after that reflecting on what went wrong and part of it was a dismantling of my ego, and a lot of meditating and reading philosophy.

The subtle art of not giving a fuck... And lots of stoicism, Marcus Aurelius, Aristotle...

Love fate

The only things in our control are our perception and our choices.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

I don't really consider myself religious, but I learned to value the useful and still relevant parts of several religions.

Then I practiced... Lots of deliberate practice. Meditation, exercise and practiced deliberate choices and perception.

I don't get nearly as stressed anymore.

What a year it's been. I wrestle with all kinds of issues. The core is that I'm just not the kind of person I was 5 years ago, and not in a positive direction. 2018 jvanderbot was much more ambitious, fit, friendly, social, and active.

I was laid off in OCT right as I bought a house and moved cross country, am struggling to make an impact at new job, even though they have short timelines and high hopes. I had strep for nearly two months somehow, my dad died, and my kids are taking up increasing amounts of time. I enjoy side projects but am frankly too low energy to do anything but play games with friends most nights, which I'm lucky to be able to do. On top of that marriage is getting rocky.

In a few years my kids will go to school, and the violence targeting children is depressing.

I've come to the conclusion that life is meaningless, disappointing, and short. People are selfish and incapable of real help when needed. I am treading water until I can come to terms with that.

Im trying to exercise, have done therapy before and it never helps, and am on medication and so on. There's just not much I seem to be able to do at the moment, so, continue treading water.

Gang violence and unavailability of public services. To relax, I play games, watch movies, and read books. I take special solace in chatting with my SO.

I'm reading more philosophy now to reframe how I think about stuff (stoicism).

have you read Khalil Gibran’s “The Prophet”? would recommend if you haven’t

I think my time in the industry is over. Six months and no job, only a handful of interviews and most of them were very antagonistic. Recruiters contact is erratic and seems to be only lowering in quality. I wouldn’t be too cut up about it except I still have to pay rent/bills/etc which only seem to be climbing rapidly and had to hemorrhage a lot of money at the end of 2022/2023 thanks to unexpected events.

I don’t have any good ways to staying sane unfortunately, mostly bad coping mechanisms that calm me down but also make me useless.

> what is stressing you out

I stress over far more than I should, just talking with people over the phone, most 1on1s (for no reason, I've never been fired I've always left of my own choice and never forced to leave either). Slowly I start to stress over everything.

> what do you do to stay sane and keep yourself going?

Volunteering. Just getting my mind off of my problems and helping others really clears my head, I stress less over my own issues and end up feeling accomplished and usually have a really good time. Something else I've learned about volunteering, organizations which are fully non-profit and have no employees (everyone is a volunteer) attracts very different people, those who actually enjoy and want to help others, they are really nice to be around and volunteer with/for. I've been volunteering for ~20 years and still love it. Mind you I don't mean huge events either, a Saturday here and there.

Stressed by a lot these days, but the thing that helps has been a constant for the last few years: gardening (at any scale). As long as they get sun and a bit of water, plants do their own thing on their own timescale. Whenever I'm in my head, swamped with work, stressed about the state of the world, I can take two minutes to walk to the garden and see that my plants are none the wiser. They've been growing, stretching toward the sun, sending out roots to gather water and nutrients, and they don't give a damn about the things I'm stressed about.

Take a toke, go to bed, cover ears with pillows, hope to meditate, finally channel The energy into an idea for my project.

That calms me and rescues me. Ideas channeled into computer reduces my anxiety and there is a bonus Take away

used to write down everything I needed to do/felt I wanted to do the next day on a single post-its which helped me sleep

Running

lifting

spirituality (meditation, reading, associating with like-minded practitioners, listening to talks by advanced practitioners)

spending time with family

stopping caring so much about work outcomes and just focusing on giving a best reasonable effort

Sleep

Right diet

No tiktok, disabled shorts on YouTube (just click through them and say not interested), minimal insta, no Facebook or snap account

Get your lives dialed in folks, it only gets harder.

Thanks for the tip on YouTube Shorts! They can be such a time suck

It’s so bad they should be outlawed. The fact that YouTube doesn’t give you a way to disable them is so dirty. I wonder how their PMs sleep at night. The greed to monetize at the expense of user health has made me lose trust with them.

Play HOMM3 or Bloons TD5. I'd be embarrassed to admit how many times I've played them.

HOMM3 is really fun and can burn days and days and days in it. Pity I never beat the official campaigns as some are tough for me. I always wanted to build everything, have a giant army and then make advances but some missions don't really allow that.

(Had to think for a bit on this one. Heroes Of Might and Magic 3.)

I agree it's a good game. I had similar issues so it was always custom maps and campaigns for me.

Not finding a job while being told my background is impressive yet not quite the right fit. As though it will never be the right fit for anything.

I lift. Running is even better, if it's your jam.

Yep - running saved my sanity on many occasions

The AI future is stressing me out. BJJ keeps me sane.

Run

used to run more often — do you find it more useful to run with music or without when stressed?

I started w music then realized I like hearing the morning nature sounds and so removed the music. Either way after a good run you still get the well being. I think something healthier for the mind about no music. But better to run with music than not to run.

Without for me. Music, audiobooks, podcasts all just cram more in to my brain so I don’t get that same meditative feeling where I’m doing nothing but running.

I got injured and piled on weight, but the weight is mostly gone now and I’m building back up to running again, I’m looking forward to being able to go out on a run for an hour or two again.

Me too. Just don’t do what I did: up your speed and distance in response to the magnitude of your stress, as opposed to what your body’s ready for.

Then you can add “not running” and “healing an injury” to your list of stressors.

Get away from a screen

so hard to do these days, but does seem to pay off when possible :) thanks for sharing!

I agree that say following Twitter debates on politics is likely exacerbate rather than relieve stress, but I find it soothing to watch music and sports videos on YouTube.

Reading is a great substitute. I'll admit I've had difficulty picking up a book and reading without feeling the urge to look something up. Easy-reading books are fully acceptable!

I legit find myself long-pressing words in paper books expecting a dictionary definition to magically appear...

People are stressing me out. Specifically other people.

I’m getting divorced after three months of marriage.

Better than after 3 years and infinitely better than after 30.

I'm very sorry to hear that. A similar situation happened to a close family member. They needed to spend some time focusing on themselves for a while to get past it, and they're in a great place now.

nap, ride bicycle, go to a park, explore some space in VR if you cannot physically go somewhere.

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