Ask HN: American friends life is falling apart badly. What can I do to help?

It's getting late here in Germany. Thank you for your input so far. I probably should have put the city name (Chattanooga) in the post. Let me hit on the two aspects so far.

My impression is that the US goverment can't really be relied on to help people dig themselves out of such holes. Those social programs are designed to prevent people from starving not put people in a position where they are able to efficiently be able to contribute to society.

I am not aware of substance abuse issues. There is psychological baggage though related to parental abuse and being trans.

Edit: Yeah i should really sleep now.

I think we should just ignore everyone suggesting she get treated for substance abuse issues.

We don't know her situation, and even if she is using drugs, there are many functional addicts.

If she's capable of working, it'd be nice if someone in the area offered her something like contract to hire, where they could then see for themselves if she's capable of succeeding in the field (I am in Canada and on the verge of struggling myself, despite also not having substance issues, otherwise I'd offer to help).

The real problem right now is a lack of a social safety net, in addition to hiring being incredibly tight (and she's not exactly in a tech hotspot). Trans people also face a lot of discrimination and often are trying to overcome multiple life challenges simultaneously, which compound.

Have you considered reaching out to some of the very prominent trans software bloggers who might be sympathetic and also be able to offer better resources?

I don't feel like it's appropriate to name names, but if you'd like I can email you the blogs of a few people who would certainly be widely recognized as staff-level, and might be open to helping your friend.

edit: since you mentioned she is currently housed at least, it will be much easier for her to turn things around if she is able to find work before that situation changes. Though this is really complicated by her having no work device right now. Can she get a loan to tide her over for the next few weeks? If not, maybe she'd be comfortable setting up a gofundme or similar?

Getting back on her feet will get much harder if she has to do it while homeless.

> The real problem right now is a lack of a social safety net

Is that the real problem here? Unemployment in the United States is incredibly low and those who want to find good work for good pay are able to.

Chattanooga has a 3.3% unemployment rate. By comparison Berlin, Germany has 9.1%. It's definitely an super hot labor market right now.

I'd wager the unemployment rate among transwomen in Chattanooga is higher.

I think in the U.S. in general trans people have double the unemployment rates of cis people. I imagine that's higher in Chattanooga, and higher again for transwomen, but I couldn't find any studies here so let's just agree that 3.3% likely is not indicative of the unemployment rates of specific marginalized groups.

Are the numbers actually comparable? The US does not calculate unemployment in a straightforward or honest fashion.

I'm assuming you haven't seen people struggling with discrimination, especially trans people in conservative cities, trying to find these easy-to-get jobs which offer "good work for good pay". If you have suggestions of actual places in Chattanooga that would hire her yesterday and start payments in a week, I'm sure OP would be happy to pass that along.

Otherwise, please consider how trans people might be limited by obstacles that cis people don't even realize exist.

Quite the leap.

I’m not sure why the original comment even mentions this person is trans. How is that relevant to the situation other than to trigger the “victim” alarm in some people’s minds?

Also, how presumptuous of you to assume I’m cis. Be better.

Because it is relevant in a bunch of ways.

- It obviously increases the burn rate due to increased medical expenses which makes certain income thresholds to qualify for help harder to reach.

- It together with a comment suggesting parental abuse means she can't rely on family support

- There is discrimination against trans people. If xy% of people despise you because of your existince is a challange to their god and on those people decides how many hours you get that obviously has an impact.

I must congratulate you. Your cynical engagement both claiming this to maybe being a scam, acting worried for me and yet being very motivated to argue political points might have gotten this post removed from the top of AskHN where it was some time before you posted. I hope when i wake up that my genuine ask for help and advice got a few more eyeballs.

> Also, how presumptuous of you to assume I’m cis. Be better.

What I said:

> I'm assuming you haven't seen people struggling with discrimination, especially trans people in conservative cities

is only presuming exactly what I said, not even presuming that you're not trans, because that (on its own) is actually besides the point.

In the interest of keeping this more in the spirit with the HN conversation guidelines, I'll just say that I'd appreciate if you engaged with what I actually said instead of deflecting.

Because the situation for trans people in the US is horrific and only getting worse and worse each week. Last example in date: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politic...

If I were trans in the US I’d honestly just flee the country before the next elections, and start over somewhere else.

Unemployment numbers are among the most gamed in government, they are totally unreliable if you're trying to get a realistic view of anything. It's really hard to find work that pays above burger-flipping without a college degree or network in most areas, especially in tech fields. With the current downturn and layoffs combined with remote working craze, competition is higher than ever and it's much harder to get a foot in the door.

Both i and her have an effective social network reach of 0. I had considered asking for help but i have no idea where even to start. If you have any suggestion please email me. You seem to have a good grasp of her situation. Any lead would be helpful.

If you haven't seen i wrote about some code i was she had on her GitHub and we discussed here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35672617

I live in the southeast US, not Chattanooga, but not too far by US standards. At the moment basic, low skilled jobs are in high demand - almost every restaurant or store has a now hiring sign out, and the wages are 50% to 100% higher than before the pandemic. Similar story with manufacturing / warehousing. Amazon wants drivers, Walmart wants drivers, every grocery store wants drivers. I've never seen anything like it.

It sounds like most of the short-term emergency things could be fixed with a more steady income stream. [ $30K ] a year in a low cost of living area goes a long way compared to being homeless. It makes the car run, gets a Chromebook, plays for a cell phone plan with tethering.

I'm a programmer. I love it. As a teen I did manufacturing for six months, and I hated it. So I certainly understand grabbing a low skill job right doesn't look attractive, but it would stop the financial bleeding, and prevent things from getting out of hand while they find a software dev job.

On the immediate food side, I don't know about Chattanooga, but my town has super tiny food banks all over. There's not one centralized organization, and almost all of them are stocked at any one time. The are mom's on Facebook groups who keep track of them, and restock when low. (Some are as simple as a fridge on the side of a building, or a little library style box on a pole.) Most aren't listed on google. Not sure how to find them outside of asking around. Chattanooga has nine food banks listed on google. Odds are that they aren't all out of stock.

Good luck to both of you.

50 weeks at 15 dollars an hour, 40 hours a week is $30k.

I imagine there are better paying jobs but I do think that $40k is not an immediately accessible thing. Though to your point 15 seems in line with what’s on indeed for Chattanooga, many jobs are under that line as well (cashier stuff for $11 or $12), so it might be worth adjusting your preconceptions about the yearly wages that these positons offer.

I pulled my number off full time Amazon driving, vehicle provided, which is about $20/hr here. Most low skill jobs in my area are around $12-$17 an hour. Eleven or below is there, but rare. We're probably a slightly more happening town than Chattanooga though.

But even so 30K is still a huge difference from having to scrap for food, or make a computer from spare parts. Changed post from $40K to $30K.

In Tennessee you can apply for unemployment if your employer suddenly reduces your work hours significantly. You don't have to wait until you lose your job completely.

This sounds useful. Does that apply to faux "independent contractors" too?

In Germany we have a word "Scheinselbständigkeit". People are formally self-employed/independent contractor which are actually totally dependent and this is used to circumvent social security protections.

I think something like that might be going on here.

If she's been an independent contractor, I don't think she qualifies

Is there a food bank in the area? That could at least help with one of the issues. I think it's at least worth asking about assistance like SNAP (used to be called "food stamps") https://www.tn.gov/humanservices/for-families/supplemental-n... , Community Service Block Grant agency for her county https://www.tn.gov/humanservices/for-families/community-serv... , Home Energy Assistance Program https://www.benefits.gov/benefit/1577 etc.

As far as i can see that food bank is totally overrun according to local news https://www.local3news.com/local-news/chattanooga-area-food-... . I will relay the other links but since she doesn't have children I am not sure in how far the /for-families/ links will be useful. She has been applying for SNAP.

Also EBT, and she can possibly make some money doing Uber/Lyft/Instacart/Instawork.

You are 100% right that it's hard to get a decent job in the US without connections and/or experience, especially in this economy and especially without formal education. Ideally there is some grant which will let someone like her go through high school and college, but I really have no idea. You will have to look for places like https://www.reddit/r/povertyfinance for people who understand poverty better much than I do.

This will be an unpopular opinion, but are you being scammed?

Is she asking you for money?

Thank you for being concerned. No she is not asking for money. I came into contact with her when i discussed a project of mine in a Discord server. She approached me to join that project, did good work, showed geniune interest and had good ideas she was working on. I was looking forward to collaborate more with her. Her hours were cut after she helped the workplace find an issue in their IT infrastructure (which she reported proprely and professionally). It became obvious she didn't deal well with that. She was very overwhelmed with that situation and i offered her which help she accepted.

I was thinking this same thing.

Please be cautious and avoid sending money.

you need to think one level deeper. are we sure we're not being scammed?

the amount of people willing to send complete strangers money over the internet is mind-blowing. check out /r/scams, and be amazed.

I know the internet is not a good place to be naive, but I find being overly cynical is not a good state of mind to be in - for me. I ocassionally override the "maybe scam" siren in my head if the help I provide is a small amount or non financial.

I can afford to give away the cost of a meal at a restaurant or other small equivalent once in a while without it making a material difference to my own finances.

Always be wary of giving away money, but sometimes a little money is the best help that can be provided.

Hey would she want a laptop for free? I have a 2007 macbook with lubuntu that works great. I used to use it for trips and it's a total workhorse.

The computer architecture is funky so it makes installing some distros a pain in the butt.

It was something like a 64-bit EFI bootloader for a 32-bit OS. The combo just doesn't work without compiling your own kernel. It's pretty uncommon. No biggie for someone that does C++ or embedded systems though.

Anyway, I'll shoot you an email with some pics and you can let me know what you think.

I've read your email. Thanky you very much for the offer. I relayed it. I would like to make sure it actually works when it arrives at her place. I heard the keyboards of those laptops are fine which would be a huge plus over her programming on her phone.

Most public libraries will have a public workstation where web based editor might be used if that helps. After that, a base chromebook is like 300 bucks new

She is accessing PCs at work and when she is over with friends. Web technology is great for making stuff accessible. That the local library has a reservation system for public "workstations" makes me dubious one could productively programm there. That the computers in many locations are not available on the weekend makes this harder.

> Public computers and WiFi are available at all five branches of the Chattanooga Public Library. Access to the computers is limited to 2 hours per day if other patrons are waiting. Reservations can be made for the next available computer by phone or in person.

Maybe they can find a local Hackerspace that will help get a better dev environment setup?

If the have tech skills I would think they could get a basic job easily.

I had not looked into that. There actually is a hackerspace however the rates for membership are $60 per month[1]. The discounted rates don't seem to apply to her situation. [2] It is not obvious whether that space even would be trans friendly. I can see if i can reach someone from there to get a vibe or an idea.

> If the have tech skills I would think they could get a basic job easily.

One would think so naively. I am working towards trying to help her find a job. I have not been at it for long. If you have some insight where i might help her find a basic job making use of her embedded/backend C, C++ skills developing cross platform {Linux, Windows} x {ARM, x86_64} emulator writing tools which work as library and as application with integrated LUA interpreters i would be thankful. It doesn't have to be that specific but that might give people an idea what flame she is cooking with.

[1] https://wiki.chattlab.org/joining_steps [2] https://wiki.chattlab.org/membership

> It is not obvious whether that space even would be trans friendly.

It’s probably safe to assume most places are “trans friendly” these days — nobody wants the twitter mob[0] after them for <whatever>.

[0] Is that even a thing anymore or did all the dogpilers move to a more “friendly” place?

—edit—

And before I get dogpiled I should say that I mean regular people don’t care not politically motivated health care debates like in other comments.

She needs to move.

The psychological pressure we trans people are under in red states is breathtaking. Many of us are losing our health care. This is not a minor thing for us -- speaking personally, I'd rather die.

Even if it hasn't happened directly to her, it will have happened to her friends. We all talk. It's hard not to empathize with one another. I myself feel like I'm a tiny leaf on a river of grief, most days.

Just today, another one of us was shot in Atlanta.

Your friend needs to get to a sanctuary state. Someplace like California or Washington.

This will be very difficult. But we're literally now refugees.

Watch what happens to us. Learn what lives in the heart of the America. Disgust is appropriate.

You are right. This kind of justified anxiety fets stacked on top. But she is currently not in a position to move. I have already done the equivalent of a FIOA to German immigration office[1] to get their current evaluation of the trans situation in the US and whether they qualify for asylum status.

They don't take it as serious as they should. However atleast the orders how to deal with trans peoples seem respectful of their status and some of the complications.

[1] https://fragdenstaat.de/anfrage/bewertung-der-menschenrechts...

Is there a New England state with acceptably good conditions for trans people? Being physically closer to your original state could be really useful.

Eastern Massachusetts. Also there are literally programs to help people like her move, such as https://www.rainbowrailroad.org/

But unless her friends are also moving its a hard sell. Her living situation won't be much better if at all, it could even be worse because everything is also more expensive and she knows no-one.

Generally curious, how are trans people loosing access to health care in red states?

This is easily googled. Look what just happened in Missouri. Florida is next.

And then there's the fact that dozens of red states have banned health care for trans youth.

We will die by the dozen. By our own hand; by gunshot. 'Death before detransition,' as we say.

But you will remember who really pulled the trigger, and who did nothing. It can and should haunt you.

I encourage you look into reports from amnesty international, they document such stuff well. They are usually a year behind on stuff, the German report about 2022 reads

> Darüber hinaus wurden in verschiedenen Bundesstaaten Dutzende von Gesetzentwürfen eingebracht, die darauf abzielten, den Zugang zu gender-bestätigender Gesundheitsversorgung ("gender-affirming healthcare") für trans Jugendliche einzuschränken. [1]

Which i would loosely translate: Different states introduced dozens of law proposals which aim to reduce access to gender-affirming health care for trans teenagers.

In 2023 a lot more stuff has happened [2] and might be in preperation.

Gender-affirming care is as far as the data suggests the best way to treat ICD-10 F64.0 and sub categories. Denying people those treatments to a legitimate and internationally recognized diagnosis is depriving them health care. Health care is a human right [3].

[1] https://www.amnesty.de/informieren/amnesty-report/usa-2022#s...

[2] https://thehill.com/changing-america/respect/diversity-inclu...

[3] https://www.ohchr.org/sites/default/files/Documents/Publicat...

Republicans have made trans people the target of their newest culture war.

They're pushing to ban gender-affirming care, usually focusing on minors but some of the bans are for people up to age 26, and they're making noise about restricting or banning it for adults too.

Most people in her situation have an issue with drugs or alcohol, which I know because I've met many like her in my struggles. If she's in Nashville I'd recommend she go to the Friendship House and ask for advice, even if she doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem. Nice people there who understand struggle.

https://202friendshiphouse.org/