Comment by projectazorian | Hacker News Reader

Comment by projectazorian | Hacker News Reader

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> So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc.

Maybe this used to work, but it no longer does. I'm a regular at several local hangouts, hit the gym several days a week, and go out to other activities regularly. I rarely have conversations with anyone beyond perfunctory pleasantries with the staff. Neither does anyone else; since COVID people almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with.

There's been the odd occasion where I do get someone's contact info like the article suggests. So I text and the conversation tends to be some variation of "I'm busy the next couple of weeks, I'll text when I can hang out!" Of course they never do. Following up yields the same result and also reeks of desperation, so I no longer do that.

Meanwhile people seem to regard friendships as disposable lately. Within the past year I've been repeatedly ghosted and excluded from activities by longstanding friends for some perceived offense that I only found out about secondhand weeks later. Apologizing had no effect, and I regret doing it.

So now, I have almost no friends in my current town aside from my spouse, and rather than continue on with this charade we have decided to move back east - where probably the cycle will repeat itself, but at least in a more familiar environment where socializing is slightly easier.

I have a theory that most of us have become far more introverted than we realize.

A good friend of mine is very high on the extraversion scale. There is not a shred of introversion in him beyond him spending part of his free time studying philosophy. He has the ability to strike up long conversations with seemingly anyone, anywhere, anytime. This has been true before COVID, during COVID, and after COVID. What does he do? He simply starts talking to people. It can be about just about anything, though usually he will start conversations by making an observation or a light-hearted joke relevant to the situation. He will even ask people he doesn't know their opinion on something that's relevant to the situation. One might assume this strategy must blow up in his face with some frequency, but I've never seen that happen. Is it any coincidence that he has many friends and half the town seems to know him? I don't think so.

There's nothing he does that any of us can't do. It's not as if he is super handsome or well dressed. I do agree that people these days, depending on the region, have developed a tendency to stick to themselves, be soft-spoken, and not initiate anything. That doesn't mean people don't desire for someone to break up the monotony, even if they think they want to always be by themselves and not be bothered. By my observation, most people aren't bothered, and the ones who are will play along anyway. While others certainly put up a barrier, many of us who actively desire more human contact may not realize how much of a barrier that we put up ourselves.

Eventually, enough people need to acknowledge that putting up a barrier sucks, and that's got to start somewhere.

> almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with

Yes I've noticed this too, but what does "stick to themselves" mean? If you mean someone sitting alone I don't think that's much different from what you might look like to them. Say hello or smile. Never know.

Also, even when people are in groups they might be open to one more. People usually aren't that insular unless they're jerks anyway. Worst that can happen is they ignore you which is better than assuming. Yeah it's rougher out there than it used to be, but that makes it all the better when you do click with people. I feel like the current climate has more opportunity for genuine connections than it was before covid when people were posing and fronting all the time.

I concur. I'm at every local cafe, to the point that the baristas recognize my order, and I'm at the gym at the same time most days of the week. After gym, I go to the supermarket next to it to buy some fruit or a drink, and the cashiers recognize me. I'm also in a bunch of local meetups.

This has not led to any organic conversation that could lead to something deeper.

> since COVID people almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with.

I’ve noticed the same thing. I used to go out a lot, loved to out talk to people, maybe a party a bit. Sometimes I’d go with a group, often times I’d go out alone. It used to be pretty common if you were alone on a weekend, someone would invite you to come sit and chat with them.

Post-covid though I’ve pretty much stopped going out. People seem more antisocial outside of their insular groups, at least compared to pre-covid. The “friend” group I was part of imploded because of petty drama and nowadays, the only thing I get from going out alone is a bad hangover the next day.

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