Hacker News Reader

Comment by JohnFen | Hacker News Reader

As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.

View on HN

If you want those people to like you, you have to be relaxed and confident, which means you have to genuinely enjoy and be good at the thing. I like & am good at a reasonable spread of activities, some of which I can even do with friends, but the only ones that bring me new connections are work or work-adjacent. The activities known for meeting people contain nothing I'd actually do for its own sake.

Maybe nerdy people's choices of solo hobbies are downstream of social anxiety or social skills deficits. I've made a ton of progress there in my twenties, and there's no movement in my desire to go dancing or pottery-making or whatever, so I dunno.

I also think there's also some kind of subconscious relationship between social status and taste, such that most people end up with preferences that feel real and also just so happen to help them connect with their peer group. I mean, how is it that so many teenagers become obsessed with the same music their friends do? Music is between me and Spotify, alone in my room at night. I go to a concert & see people there who look like me, but not a single acquaintance in my Facebook social graph would have the artist in common (even back when that was a thing) so who am I going to invite?

I won't sit here and pretend to have totally authentic and uninfluenced preferences. But the ones I can trace, I trace to like, my dad. Or Hacker News. Seems like that mechanism misfired.

> not a single acquaintance in my Facebook social graph would have the artist in common

Doesn't matter, invite them anyway. Explain your circumstances - that you're looking to get out of the house and you really like the artist and enjoy the vibe of said person you're talking to. Repeat until you get a yes. If you get a rejection, say that you're trying to be more social and just want to get out and meet people as friends, because they have friends. Tell them why you like that artist and that they should give them a listen and see what they think. Some people enjoy discovering new music and will appreciate your introduction to a really awesome band they've never heard of before.

I think that big issue in "nerd" circles is the tendency to believe that everyone who attempts to engage in something they don't have as core hobby, is a beginner, is only dabbling in or is just checking out or purely for socializing is a poser doing something wrong.

So, they avoid trying to engage in other activities and treat newbies with suspicion. Outside of "nerd" circles, it is normal to engage in activities for social reasons only.

> I mean, how is it that so many teenagers become obsessed with the same music their friends do?

Their friends recommend them music and they check it out. They recommend music to friends. They engage with music friends like unless they absolutely hate it. Algorithms show them similar music too.

They go to concerts of artists they know nothing about, just to be there with friends.

> engage in something they don't have as core hobby, is a beginner, is only dabbling in or is just checking out or purely for socializing is a poser doing something wrong.

Have those people forgotten that for literally everything they do now, they started as a clueless newbie just checking it out?

Amazing.

> If you want those people to like you, you have to be relaxed and confident, which means you have to genuinely enjoy and be good at the thing.

I would say you should enjoy doing the thing, but you don't have to be even a little good at it.

I’ll add a corollary to it: sometimes you have to be the planner. Lots of people are like “yeah, I want to do $ACTIVITY but there’s nobody to it with.” There’s also a ton of people that are like “there’s nothing fun to do this weekend.” Post an event on Meetup / Facebook / etc. Say you’re going to do $ACTIVITY at $DATETIME and chances are pretty good you’ll find someone else interested in doing the thing with you. Good starter choices for $ACTIVITY include pub trivia, karaoke, and comedy nights but could also be things like going for a hike or a nice walk around a pond. It doesn’t have to be at a bar or expensive.

If you do this often enough, you’ll develop a group of regulars who will also want to do fun things and you can get one of them to host.

Be the first mover.

Off topic, but as an introvert lurking in an introvert thread, I want to say: this is true professionally, too.

My boss's boss's boss put it this way: no one is spinning around in his chair at his desk, twiddling his thumbs, thinking, "_When_ will Tom ask me to meet over coffee?" But if you send him a note, and ask politely, and convey earnestness, odds are good he will meet you for coffee.

Another way of looking at things is "just ask". What's the worst that'll happen? They say no, you lost nothing, gained nothing. But there's a surprising # of yeses out there to be had.

Which reminds me, I once asked this beautiful woman out, not thinking she'd say yes, but she did. We had a good run.

My business partner (an extrovert, where I'm an introvert) put it this way: if you don't ask, the answer is always "no".

Here is the issue though .. as a man, if I am not interested in clubbing, going to the bar, art class, etc. where do I meet women to ask? This was the conundrum I was in throughout grad school. It is really, really hard. As I have aged, I know there is a flip side of the coin, where women also wonder where the "high quality" men are hiding. But it is way too hard.

I do remember in my younger days approaching someone on the bus .. in a friendly, non-creepy way. It didn't go anywhere but we did become friends for a short period. I just don't think it is okay approaching women generally in places like the bus because it is not okay to make them feel creeped out.

Others have said, but institutionalized settings can be good for getting the "vetting" out of the way. Why do so many romances originate in school? Because each and every participant recognizes everyone else is in the exact same position he is -- a subject of circumstance.

Streets, transportation -- these are low-filter interstices. Maximum wariness is warranted, really regardless of sex.

If you're not interested in going to the club, bar, art class -- what are you interested in? Seriously. It's tough. If your hobbies are sticking your head in the sand / introspective study (mine are), you will need to jump outside your comfort zone or else expect some degree of social resignation.

> What's the worst that'll happen?

It depends on how bad you are at following rules #1 (be attractive) and #2 (don't be ugly). If poorly enough, then even a coffee invite will get you fired with a sexual harassment suit following you around for the rest of your life.

> rules #1 (be attractive) and #2 (don't be ugly).

Those are imaginary rules. Physical attractiveness isn't as important as many people think. Charm and confidence are much more important.

> even a coffee invite will get you fired with a sexual harassment suit following you around for the rest of your life.

No, it won't, unless you're actually engaging in sexual harassment.

> do things that put you around people.

I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer.

Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.

Dancing, there are always women learning to dance and they far outnumber the men.

Krav Maga. Constant inflow of women.

Is that so? That's good to hear, learning some self defence is such an important skill. If it ends up in romance too, I reckon that's a double win!

sarcasm?

Probably not, martial arts classes that are marketed as self defense or exercise rather than as training for combat sports get a significant number of women

Maybe it's just me but it seems tone deaf to go pick up women in a course about kicking harassers butts. It feels like something they would do in Wedding Crashers.

Putting yourself in the vicinity of the opposite sex while doing some useful activity is not quite the same as picking up women.

Single usually means young, so you have to go where the young (adult) women hang out, or do what they like to do. I don’t know what that is though, sorry.

Single has nothing to do with age. It means you are not in a committed relationship.

> Single usually means young

I don't think this is significantly true.

Most running clubs I've tried are 50/50. Dance classes/social dancing are usually female-heavy (The SF bay is probably an exception here). No one minds if you're bad at dancing as long as you are friendly and don't injure anyone.

Book clubs if you like reading fiction. I'm happily married, but the only guy in a book club of 20.

When I was a single, I went to a book club, all women except me, and I couldn't relate or get any small talk in. I am somewhat introverted, so it was very difficult.

I can see this. I am not quite an introvert. They treat me as a bit of a novelty, and that often feels lie it includes more “attention” than anyone else in the group.

My book club is all men.

Haha, they just choose different activities. Of the ones I've tried, the top five ones with a high female participation rate were (in order from highest to lowest): sewing, ceramics, fencing, archery, fitness clubs.

I made friends through those clubs, though, and never dated anyone from there.

Indoor rock climbing is something I’ve found to be pretty gender-diverse a well as welcoming!

Been bouldering pretty heavily for the last three years but I have not found it to be a very good place for meeting people.

Interesting. Maybe each club is different. I’m pretty introverted but I’ve found that people frequently take breaks on the floor and chit chat with strangers in between climbs.

Do volunteer work. I did work for New York Cares for a while and in addition to actually helping a good cause you inevitably meet single women who are also volunteering. I probably averaged about two leads and one actual date per event I volunteered at. Putting together bags of food for food pantries can be boring work, and you inevitably chat with your neighbor.

"Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities."

I'd strongly disagree with this. They seem to be organising and doing things constantly, in my experience (married 40s male).

Most people do things with their existing social circles. In fact most activities are pretexts (or more charitably, venues) for hanging out with people you already know and like. If you are open to new people, and you're a sociable, attractive young woman, you can probably find a more desirable and less creepy mix of suitors in the guests at parties you're invited to, or setups from your friends, than in Meetup.com attendees or bar patrons. So it would not surprise me if there were fewer women, or at least less openness to romantic encounters, in these open-access spaces.

The sort of people that need to improve their strategy of meeting women like this sometimes overthink the motives and behaviour of those they're hoping to meet. In a marketing sense, it's about the funnel. Someone upthread talked about just needing to meet more people. Put yourself in a position where you're meeting more and more people, widening the mouth of the funnel, and you improve your prospects at the results end of the funnel.

Generally as a result of being active and sociable, you become a person people want to be around. You can't give off a 'desperate to meet girls' vibe, so focusing on too many details can work against you.

I met my wife volunteering for a charity. Heavy bias of female to male in the volunteer group. Regular meetings to keeping seeing the same group and getting to know each other.

Counter anecdote about skiing:

My cousin who is an underemployed balding middle aged divorcee (at times living with his mother - cue George from Seinfeld) met his current long term girlfriend on a skiing trip.

Granted this was somewhere in the Alps. Also my cousin is awesome at smalltalk and unrealistic business ideas.

The ski slopes are full of women of all ages? Camping groups are full of women and even families? Plenty of women do hiking ... maybe less then men but if you did not met a single one, it is odd.

> The ski slopes are full of women of all ages?

they are all paired up

I sang in a choir. Lots of women and not that many men. Several of the men ended up with a long-term relationship there.

In my part of the US, you'll find at least as many women doing these things as men. But perhaps there's a regional difference. Women in your area are certainly doing something. Maybe a little detective work is in order.

Try a co-ed bowling league, or stop by your local pub on karaoke night and you'll be astonished at how many women are there.

Worse, if someone does knock on your door, it's a safe bet you're about to be scammed.

The Roman poet Ovid summed up the same sentiment perfectly: "She will not come to you through the shimmering air, you must venture to meet the one you will love".

Reply on news.ycombinator.com