Ask HN: How Can I Tell My Boss to Back Off? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How Can I Tell My Boss to Back Off?

2 pointsbrailsafe7 comments

Ever since the smallish startup I was working for was acquired by a huge company, and my team lead became a higher-level manager, he's essentially been smothering/micro-managing me, and seemingly ignoring any pleas for small concessions I ask for regarding missing the occasional meeting or managing my own day in a way that gives me the clarity of mind to focus on productively getting work done.

I have ADHD, and it's very easy for my sleep cycle to go off, and so occasionally I'll need to skip the extremely early standup because there's just a bit of volatility that I need to wrangle. Likewise, it's such a massive drag to wake up every day only to see that little number on the slack notifications, indicating that he's essentially tapping his toe waiting for an update regarding some mundane thing that I couldn't possibly have anything sufficiently interesting to update him on anyway.

I've burnt out bad before, and I'm scared of it, trying to please managers like this at all costs instead of managing my mental health in a more mature way, but this time there isn't even the prospect of finding alternative work and I fear getting fired most days. It's way more stress than the actual job requires. I tend not to beat around the bush when describing what I need to be successful, stopping only short of saying "I need you to stop micro-managing and heavily scrutinizing everything I do"; almost feels like a jealous boyfriend asking where I am multiple times a day. I don't have any other conflicts with other team members.

The fuck do I do?

Does your company offer phone/video therapy/counseling? I procrastinated on trying it through my company for many months because it felt like “going to a therapist“ was some high bar. But I think that what you are dealing with is very easily worth a call, and just talking things out can be hugely helpful. They probably won’t even have a deep inside, but verbalizing it will help, and it’s amazing how convenient it can be to have that to turn to once you realize how easy it can be.

Consider the Peter principle: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle

Also be honest with yourself if there is a reason in your past performance why your manager is treating you this way.

Ask for a 1-on-1. And don't allow this to be postponed endlessly past 2 weeks. There directly state that you feel being micro managed and that you are not feeling well being managed in this way. It never hurts to be brutally frank in a 1-on-1.

Immediately start interviewing for new positions, it never hurts. Regarding work your only loyality is to yourself, your kids, your partner in life, your family and good friends. Your work is not your family. Your health is part of your capital, so do not allow your capital to be diminished.

Can you just quit and find a new job? Honestly, that’s what I tend to do because getting people to actually change is an art that may not actually be possible. I think it’s largely up to their capacity as a leader to admit being wrong and growing. If they don’t have it, then you can’t force them to gain that understanding.

It's something I know I need to do, but the job market is...

If I do get laid off, I will have insurance to ride out for some time, but damn I'm sick of being in this cycle of instability.

Don’t be scared, tech skills are still in high demand. It doesn’t hurt to look.

I think tech skills are still in high demand, but because I've been looking periodically, it is really quite dire. Maybe a good time to work on less commodity skills though.

By inserting the words "the eff" between "back" and "off".

He won't advocate for you anymore, but you'll have peace.

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